Too much of one thing...

I am a firm believer of "too much of one thing is bad for you". It just makes sense, and in more cases than one. If you have too much sugar, you're going to damage your heart and blood cells. Too much salt will give you high blood pressure. Spending too much time in front of a lit up screen will damage your eyes. Too much of one thing is never good.

This problem has developed in my life, and I'm sure many others out in the world. My too much is loneliness. This loneliness that I have been cursed with has made me almost develope problems out of anything and everything. I feel like I'm alone all the time. The feeling swallows me up in the moments when I am truly alone and in those moments I think of horrible things.

I think of moments when I would be jumped and had to fight people off on my own, getting held at gunpoint, being confronted about who I am by my parents, etc. This loneliness quickly takes the smile off my face and makes me feel something a lot worse than what is happening as if it were happening. I feel this empty feeling in my stomach and surrounding my heart as if it were building lonely blocks from the inside out. I hate it, but I have no control over it.

A huge sign of this forming is when I'm alone now, I talk to myself... And loudly at that. It's almost thinking aloud, but it seems like I do it to hear another voice for me to respond to. I was by myself selling things and my friend was wondering who I was talking to. It was then that I started looking into this more.

I feel as though there is a void that needs to be filled. A void that has been there long enough to create more voids in my body to where it is just a black hole sucking up all my valuables. I feel like I have no friends. I feel like my love is never reciprocated. I feel like I'm no one. I feel like I'm unloveable.

I feel like this all snowballed when I stopped allowing myself to fall for just about anyone that walked pass because it would only lead me to a dead end. Since then, I felt like the loneliness has just piled up and I haven't had anything to replace it. But I can't just start falling for people, even though I still feel I do, because that doesn't help either. I still felt lonely in those days, I was just chasing after someone who would never love me at the same time. So that's not going to help much.

I feel like I need love to distinguish this feeling as a whole. Maybe if part of this void was filled, I would snap out of the rest of it. If I had a boyfriend, maybe it'd snap me out of everything else. Maybe them I could hang out with other friends. Maybe the glass wall of fake problems that form will finally fall to this void of unprovided love and affection.

Like I said, too much of one thing is bad, and it my case, it consumes me. I fight as hard as I can, but I just can't shake it for good. I may stop myself for thinking about it for a second, but a minute later, I realize I am still alone...  Very very alone.

So I thank you all for reading and bearing through this internal battle I have with myself. I'm not yet ready to take this out into society, although society might be able to help me in this case. I should go ask for help, but I just can't allow myself to do it... Everyone, keep a smile on your face and in your heart and I hope you have a great day!

~Be Breezy!~