Why is it always the gay?

Ok, so this is more of an internal post. This is something really personal about me and something that I have never told anyone aloud. Frankly, this will be the first time I'm even admitting to it or even giving it some acknowledgence... It's something I've done all my life, and it always keeps me in a bind. Most of us blame society, I blame myself for everything.

This is my internal problem. I blame every bad thing that happens to me solely on the fact of me being gay. I just failed my test, all because I couldn't focus and all I could think about was being gay and men. I feel upset one day, must be the gay in me tearing me down. I don't want to walk to the other side of the classroom, why? Because I'm gay and everyone will talk about me behind my back because I am. Why don't I like hanging out with certain people, because I don't want to burden them with my gay.

It starts weighing down on me and almost giving me low self-esteem. I feel almost less than. I feel as though I don't belong and all I can say is because I'm gay.

Why? Why is that always my excuse? I feel like part of me does it because of all the stories I've heard about the internalized hate people had for themselbes for being gay and I felt I had to do the same to be gay. I felt like I got off easy in my coming out. I always pretty much knew since I was exposed to porn at a very young age. I knew I liked boys and eventually came to figure out that meant gay. The worst part about my coming out process might have been the lies. Beyond that, I wasn't bullied, I didn't have bad any reactions (so far), and I never went through any real self harm.

I know people are ok with me being gay, but somehow my mind always takes me back there. I'm always thinking the worst of things in advance. I dream about the moments where I get jumped for being gay or be involved in a hate crime. I feel like sometimes, it gives me happiness but also something to blame my issues on.

This is a short post being that I don't really know internally what is going on, but I know something is wrong. A clear sign was when I got drunk about two months ago when my parents weren't here and I told my friend I wanted to get drunk. People always say in the moments you are dunk, you are the most truthful. Well my truth came out, and I had bottled a lot in at that point... Still am. I was bottling up anger, frustration, loneliness, self-esteem issues, and questions of who I am. So in the midst of me being drunk, I noticed my friend walked away from me for a second and caught wind that he was talking to this girl. I knew he didn't have a problem with me or anything, by this time we'd been friends for about 4 or 5 years and he's known I was gay for about 2 or 3, but I was maybe a little jealous AMD emotional. I got overly upset and bursted into tears asking "why am I gay." I hated myself for it, I hated being gay solely because of the loneliness it brought me. I was so hysterically upset I called my sister and cried to her for maybe 10 minutes just repeating saying stuff I didn't think I believed, but would always dream about in my phases of blaming the gay. Finally, I calmed down and I realized this was something that could eventually get out of control.

I can't keep bottling this up... But I don't know who to turn to. I don't want to ask kids in my GSA because I don't lime referring to other kids on matters like these. I don't want to turn to friends because I don't like dumping my problems on people and I don't like being pitied. I don't want to turn to teachers because I don't want to worry anyone or get a reply I'm not ready to hear. And I can't turn to my parents because of my conditions as a closeted teen.

I don't know what to do, but I know something must be done. I can't keep bottling everything all in for it may end up in my drunken emotional breakdown or even worse. I don't know what I will need to make me feel better or even if there is anything truly wrong with me and it may all be in my head... I just don't know... And that's what scares me the most...

Being Left Behind...

We've all felt this. That feeling of everyone else is forming relationships and falling in love, while you're all alone. In high school, the feeling almost consumes you. Seeing couples after couples holding hands and kissing behind the stairwells and even partnering up in class. They are all over you Twitter feeds, instagram feeds, and facebook feeds and even become the topic of conversations. All of that starts to add up.

I never really had a relationship throughout my whole life. I was always the chubby nerdy kid that everyone befriended, but never dated. I was never too interested in girls, so I didn't care about dating them. I would always only fake crushes. But I had my first kind of real relationship the beginning of my sophmore year in high school. I dated this girl for pretty much two weeks. She was my first kiss and then we were over after two weeks. Beyond that, I haven't dated anyone.

I've never dated a guy, and being that I'm gay, I pretty much consider myself never even having a relationship. Now I have a lot of friends and I am very happy for all of them for finding love and finding themselves out. I am in no way mad at them for living their lives; but am I jealous, of FUCKING course.

I hate the fact that they get to date all these different girls and guys and have sexual experiences and go on dates, while I'm at home playing my piano by myself or watching cartoons by myself; anyone else seeing a pattern? They sit there and complain about their relationships and vent, while I sit there in jealousy wishing I could have those experiences.

I can't explore my sexuality, I can't date other guys, see what I like and what I don't; I'm stuck here guessing and fantasizing. Everyone else gets to date and fight and so on, while I sit on the sidelines living through them! I am to listen to my friends talk about the new guy or girl they're talking to and what's going on, while again, I live through them.

I hate it. It's like I'm on a complete different planet; their world keeps spinning and mine keeps tilting and stopping. Every step I take that gets me a little closer to something, then everything stops and I'm back at square one. I can't wait for the moment when I can finally join the race with everyone and find happiness. Right now, society has me on lockdown. Thanks for reading.

~Be Breezy~