Misconception vs. Reality

Ok, so a couple of weeks back, I came out at the barbershop. I used to go to school with one of the barbers there and he knew of my involvement in the school's GSA. I eventually gave way into his curiosity and came out to him. This was something I wasn't expecting...

I knew this kid as the immature party guy that everyone loved. He used to touch guys and rub us in chorus to make us feel uncomfortable, he was cool with everyone, and he was pretty attractive. I never thought this kid could be mature. He was a grade ahead of me, but acted like a freshman for as long as I knew him! But now, here was this same guy, grown up, married, graduated from high school, mature, and talking about his future. And he even had his very own mature thoughts in my sexuality and standing in my coming out process.

He explained that his sister's brother was gay and his grandfather was gay so he was used to it and he knew how it effected people. He was never really homophobic, I just thought he was one of those guys that acted gay, but when it came down to it, would punch the shit out of a guy who'd flirt with them!

Anyways, later throughout our conversation about homosexuality, my usual barber jumps into the conversation and then this conversation turned more into a debate. I was in no way offended by what they said because this was just a matter of sharing feelings and thoughts. I said what I thought and they thought what they thought. Did I agree with them? Not all the time, but that's part of debates. They also said some things that didn't quite make sense to them, but did to me, but they still would run around with it.

My usual barber had these misconceptions about being gay that most old-fashioned people would say, that were just blatantly wrong. I think I even heard my dad say some of these things... One of the things he said was that gay people try to hog attention. This I know my dad say. His example was with the new outing in the NBA by Jason Collins. "Who cares about him being gay?! It has nothing to do with the game! Don't think you're going to get special treatment because you're gay! And why do they make such a big deal about it in entertainment. It has nothing to do with anything!".

To this I knew the answer and he couldbt help but agree. These people in the public eye are viewed as role models. Kids look up to these people and it is important that these people set kids in the right direction, whether It's standing out against something, standing for something, or being true to yourself. Before Collins, there were no openly gay players in the NBA. This makes it seen like this sport isn't for gay people. This makes kids feel bad about themselves and feel like they can't follow their dreams because of their homosexuality. What Collins did by coming out was show that it is possible to be a basketball player and gay. Same goes for Anderson Cooper,  Ricky Martin, and frank ocean. What they did was show that you can be gay and a famous news reporter or entertainer. This made kids realize that they are not alone. That they have someone to relate to them and to look up to.

Another thing my barber had a problem with was "how gays push their homosexuality on everyone. It's only your business, you don't gotta tell the whole world you're gay. You don't see straight people running around saying 'I'm straight' or throwing parties and shit!" The answer to this misconception is we're not. We are not pushing anything on anyone. All we are doing is letting everyone know that we are here and we are going to be heard. We tell people so that they may know another gay person so they know whom it is that they may be talking about when they try to slander our names. So they can realize there is something other then straight families. You hear us all the time because we are fighting for acceptance. We are not trying to push anything on you. You know why straight people don't run around telling people their straight? Because it is accepted and expected. We have to go that extra mile to tell everyone that we don't like the opposite sex. And then on top of that, we have to deal with whoever just moved out of our lives! You know why we have pride parades, because most of us can't and aren't proud to be who we are and this is to say It's ok. Straight people font have to worry about that because they don't have to hide that aspect of themselves. We do.

The last thing that he said, which admittingly pissed me off a little, was "They are trying to teach little kids how to be gay. They are trying to teach my little 10 year old and 7 year old about cock and balls. Now I gotta worry about sending my children to a school where they talk about that? Fuck that, kidnergartners don't need to know about that shit!" My barber is referring to SB48 in California where it states that schools must provide education in homosexuality. For one thing, his facts were wrong, this policy is not for kindergartners. It is for kids that are mature enough to hear and handle this information. For me, sexual education happened right at the end of 5th grade to prepare us for this knowledge in 6th grade and so on. At this age we were about 9-11. At this point in time, some kids have already started going through puberty and most kids had already been dating and have had their first kisses done and over with a while back. This is where this knowledge comes in handy because this is the age where kids start experimenting and asking questions. They are not going to tell a kidnergartner who has no idea who the president is about any form of love. You don't tell your 1st grader about pussy and boobs right? Why would we tell them about cock and balls then? All SB48 is saying is to provide the homosexual information along with heterosexual. Which could basically be done by just acknowledging what it is and the dangers that can come from it.That is all they did with hetero sex, why would it be any different? To explain homosexuality, all you need to do is define it. Then tell them to throw on a condom and get tested. There is no explanation of what goes where and who does what. They don't tell us what goes where and how to do what with hetero sex. We are not teaching kids how to be gay or teaching any "homosexual behaviors". Just informing students that another form of love is out there known as homosex and that is just as risky as heterosex.

This is what I hate about debates, but also what I love about them. I hate it when people use this one thing that gay people have done, but don't loom into what it is and assume It's something bad. Then they pass it on as knowledge and then comes up as a misconception. I like when they come up against me with those misconceptions because then I have a chance to shut their dumbasses up! They have no idea what they're talking about or what we're doing, so don't try and create misconceptions out of something you don't understand.

Thanks for reading anyone, I hope everyone enjoyed! Have a great day guys!

~Be Breezy~

Ready, but not set...

Early this morning, I had an outfit I was planning to wear and I needed my mom to sew the shorts for me. So she forgot and said she would have it ready before it was time for me to leave. Finally she came back to me and told me she couldn't do it and it led to a problem of "what can I wear now".

Now, I don't know if I have a particular problem when it comes to choosing what to wear, but sometimes I just can't. I can't just throw on anything. It has to be perfect for the day almost. If it is warm outside, I can't just throw on any t-shirt and jeans or shorts... It's gotta be the right ones. My family hates helping me pick out what to wear because of this problem. But I don't think they fully understand the extent to which it bothers me.

If I put on something I feel is not right, it physically bugs me. Physically, i will feel wierd, as if I am not myself. And the mental aspect of me will let me feel every second of it. I will be non-stop thinking about how I look and what people will think of me while I'm wearing it; and I never really imagine them saying nice things. In the midst of me ironing my clothes coping with what I settled with wearing, I always think back to what else I could wear that could possibly be better;and then once I've found it, I run downstairs and grab the new stuff! Even though I have no time! It really bugs me and they just don't understand...

I know you're wondering, "what does this have to do with being gay?" Other then the fact of me having a stereotypical fashion sense.. while I was looking for that right outfit for today after she shot the idea of my first choice, she started criticizing all of the clothes I wear. How they're "too tight" or I always have to dress so "flamboyantly". I told her I simply like the style of it, It's just my sense of fashion and people seem to like it. Her response was, "Do you know who dresses like that? Gay people."

Obviously after this comment you can infer that my parents are homophobic. So my response was, for once, "I don't care!" I would never say that to comments like those to my parents because that would lead them to infer that I was gay. They can't know because that puts me and my future at risk. My dad has said since day one that he will not accept homosexual "behavior" in this house and if we think we're grown enough to make that "decision" then we are obviously grown enough toive on our own. I have worked way to hard in school and through life to throw it all away.

Another reason this puts me at risk is my safety. My sister insists I don't tell my dad in person because he might lose control. She thinks he just might kill me. Now I don't know if this is true, but I'm not gonna risk it. So saying this to my mom was a huge thing.

I hate having to lie about who I am. I want to be open and truthful about who I am because I am not ashamed of it. I wanna be able to wear my rainbow suspenders while leaving the house or not have to worry about my mom stumbling upon my rainbow bandana or suspenders. I don't want it to be a shock when I bring home a guy. I hate having to whisper about it and refer to it as the thing when my parents are around. It is simply ridiculous.

This is also why I don't have a problem with going to school. In school, I don't have to hide behind that closet door, as much. People don't know about the whole best community thing, but they know I'm gay so I don't have to worry about anything like that! I can freely say boyfriend or wear rainbows or even dress flamboyantly because it will be accepted and will kind of be expected.

But even though they understand the gay aspect of me, my school has yet to fully understand the bear aspect of me. I still hide behind the leaves that cover my tracks into the cave of bears. I hate having to hide and feel ashamed of that part of me because that is one of my favorite parts about me. I love the bear community and hate having to hide my love for it; but I am getting better. I hashtag gay bear and cub on instagram and people have found out through there or I have my favorite bear community photos on my lock screen and it shoots random photos so it is kind of sprung upon people.

But here's where the not set part comes into play. I want to come out from behind the closet doors, but if I do, I must be sure in who I am. Like I said in a previous post, I'm not exactly 100% sure I am gay. Sometimes I question it, other times I am sure. I never feel sexually attracted to a girl other then just wanting to hold them or kiss them, but it goes further with men. I want to hold, kiss, caress, cuddle, have sex with, etc.

I don't want to come out and then all of a sudden jump back in what I'm saying and figure out I'm straight and was just confused as a child. Or bisexual and just wasn't accepting it. That would give my parents and all those who think It's a decision a satisfaction I don't want them to have. That would hive them the opening they have been waiting for ti say, "see I told you you could change" or "I told you you weren't gay, and now that you have probably caught something, you wanna switch back."

I won't let them have it. That is why I must be sure first. I kind if fucked myself over in school because I came out as gay before ever really being 100% sure and now I can't go back on what I said if I am not sure. If I am all of a sudden attracted to some girl, I can't chase after her without someone questioning her or me, and I am just not ready or strong enough to deal with that yet.

I thought when I started getting more mature I wasn't gonna have to play hide and seek anymore. It was fun as a child, but the fun has faded and I'm ready to play man hunt... The society that surrounds me has kept me in this bind for 16 years going on 17, and I don't know how much longer this cub can hold it. Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has a great memorial day weekend!

~Be Breezy!~

Being Left Behind...

We've all felt this. That feeling of everyone else is forming relationships and falling in love, while you're all alone. In high school, the feeling almost consumes you. Seeing couples after couples holding hands and kissing behind the stairwells and even partnering up in class. They are all over you Twitter feeds, instagram feeds, and facebook feeds and even become the topic of conversations. All of that starts to add up.

I never really had a relationship throughout my whole life. I was always the chubby nerdy kid that everyone befriended, but never dated. I was never too interested in girls, so I didn't care about dating them. I would always only fake crushes. But I had my first kind of real relationship the beginning of my sophmore year in high school. I dated this girl for pretty much two weeks. She was my first kiss and then we were over after two weeks. Beyond that, I haven't dated anyone.

I've never dated a guy, and being that I'm gay, I pretty much consider myself never even having a relationship. Now I have a lot of friends and I am very happy for all of them for finding love and finding themselves out. I am in no way mad at them for living their lives; but am I jealous, of FUCKING course.

I hate the fact that they get to date all these different girls and guys and have sexual experiences and go on dates, while I'm at home playing my piano by myself or watching cartoons by myself; anyone else seeing a pattern? They sit there and complain about their relationships and vent, while I sit there in jealousy wishing I could have those experiences.

I can't explore my sexuality, I can't date other guys, see what I like and what I don't; I'm stuck here guessing and fantasizing. Everyone else gets to date and fight and so on, while I sit on the sidelines living through them! I am to listen to my friends talk about the new guy or girl they're talking to and what's going on, while again, I live through them.

I hate it. It's like I'm on a complete different planet; their world keeps spinning and mine keeps tilting and stopping. Every step I take that gets me a little closer to something, then everything stops and I'm back at square one. I can't wait for the moment when I can finally join the race with everyone and find happiness. Right now, society has me on lockdown. Thanks for reading.

~Be Breezy~