Isn't It Sad?

Isn't it sad that what you're doing to me is what generally drives people to drink? Or even worse to be alcoholics? Let's dose it up a bit and bring up how long this has been going on and how often you do it? With the way those drug addicts talk, you would have potentially drove me to smoke; maybe not even stop there. I could have smoked weed and not given a shit about anything. Eventually throw my life all away and give into the temptation of Marijuana to "get away from everything," but no, I haven't done any of that.

Day after day, you blame me for everything that's going wrong. First, the problem was the broken relationship between you and your sister. Then it was your problems at work. Then it was my brother is incredibly quiet. Now it is me and my brother don't give a shit about anyone but ourselves and my being gay is tearing this family apart.

Let's get some things straight here. . . I'm not. Cliché to say, but it's fucking true. I had nothing to do with the lack of communication between you and your sister. YOUR sister decided to "out" me on that fucking cruise! She had nothing to do with MY business because I never included her in it, but she did it anyways. SHE ruined that fucking trip for you, and then YOU didn't want to talk to her because of the awkwardness and simply because it was none of her DAMN business.

YOU made that fucking decision. You two are fucking 50+ years old! If you want to talk to your sister, give her a mother fucking call. YOU are the reason why you didn't talk to her. If you didn't want to talk to her about me, then don't. Simple as that. Fucking immature ass problem, and for what? Because you're uncomfortable?  Well don't fucking look at me because she started that shit.

Next, you want to fucking blame me for your problems at work? Fuck that. I don't go to your fucking job. I function a state away. Two, if you take a different route! How the fuck am I compromising your coworkers behaviors? They don't fucking know me! If your coworkers - who mind you, work under you - disrespect you or you don't like how they are with you, fix it. That, again, had NOTHING to do with me.

Here's something else that had nothing to do with me! My brother is quiet? When the fuck hasn't he been?! Everytime there is a family gathering, is he not inside? Whenever we go to our cousin's house, does he not always just stay upstairs? If he doesn't want to talk, then he doesn't talk. He's a fucking big boy. He's 18, if he had something to say, trust me, he'd fucking say it. I did not somehow shut him up because of my homosexuality. I told him when I was 13, and you had NO fucking idea of a difference from then, so obviously, it has nothing to do with me.

Now, we come back from a weekend trip and we don't make a phone call because we're 18 and didn't know had to check in Everytime something happens, and we don't give a shit about anyone but ourselves and my being gay is ruining everything. For one thing, I understand that we haven't called all weekend or anything, but we're not fucking kids. If something went wrong, trust me, we'd let you know. We're 18, we do not need to call you for every little thing. If you had told us that you would have liked us to call you once we got there or got home, that would have been something different, but you didn't.

The main problem here is you don't communicate anything. We have NEVER done that. All of a sudden, we're just supposed to know that this is now a thing? No. If you want us to do sonething, ask and we'll execute it as best as we can, but until you do so, shut the fuck up.

Two, my being gay didn't ruin anything. You two are the ONLY two people who have EVER reacted badly to my being gay. If I "so-called" "ruined" our relationship, how come it was this easy to break and why were you two the ONLY ones who I am "ruining" this for? It's YOUR ignorant assess that continuously harass me and question me day in and day out, telling me "I'm wrong," and "I make everyone around me feel uncomfortable." Then don't be around me.

Frankly, I don't want either of you around me. After the constant harassment, lectures, and the not listening to me, why would I? So you can hurt my feelings more? To break my heart? Or maybe to threaten my relationship with my boyfriend? Or how about try to change me from who I am?

You refuse to listen to me, so why bother? My silence could be a sign that you're not worth the fight. I'm afraid that if I sang a song, you wouldn't hear it. I'm at the point where I don't even want to sing because this song is as tired as your ignorant comments. I don't know how your parents did it, but frankly, it doesn't matter. You can't not be a part of my social life for 18 years and then decide to jump in when things get interesting. Nope, sorry, that's now how things go in my line.

But that's just it. After 18 years, NOW you want to be and part of my social life? You claim that you want to have more conversations and stuff to become closer and create dialogue, but why didn't you do that two weeks beforehand? Or why don't you do it to my brother? I get it, because they're not "broken". So what happens after I "get fixed"? Do things go back to normal, because then that somehow does not sound like you wanted to become closer to me; that sounds like you wanted to make things go your way and then go back to where you were. Sorry, but you're either a part of my life, or you're not, and right now, you're not putting yourself in a good position to be a part of it.

It's truly sad. Sad to see that my parents, the people who love me no matter what, would rather have me gone than live with me because I'm gay. I have never done drugs, don't drink alcohol, I get good grades, people love me, but the one small thing about me you choose to let define me. For 18 years, who I dated or slept with had been completely irrelevant, but now it is.

You tell me not to lie to you, but all you want are lies. You say not to follow the crowd because all they are are flies. You say that we're family, but that's what kept me blind. You think you mean something to me? All you are to me is wasted time. Isn't it sad?

~Be Breezy~

Bisexuality

This is a very hard topic to talk about. Why? Because it is something that is even hard for me to comprehend. I've held myself from starting this post from lack of knowledge or what exactly to say. But I thought to share my thoughts.

Bisexuality is the personal attraction of both genders instead of one like gay or straight. For me, as for most gay people, bisexuality was a stepping stone. It was easier to come out and say I'm bi, rather than I'm gay. This is because in the minds of those coming out, it let's you know that I'm still half normal. When I first started telling people, I was always telling them I'm bi because I was always scared to say gay. I figured that if they thought I still liked girls, they'd still like me. Of course, this poses many problems.

One of these problems, which isn't that bid a deal, is letting them know later down the line that you're not really bisexual, you're gay. The main problem this poses is the belief in bisexuality. Most people don't believe in bisexuality because most gay people just use it as a stepping stone. Or for straight people, it is used to explain experimentation. Which leaves the questioning person thinking, is there such thing? Can a person truelly be attracted to both sexes?

When I was younger, I pretty much knew that I hadn't felt anything towards girls. I was always watching gay porn and always found myself looking at guys. But when it came to me defining who I am, came along questions. At first I was definite, but every now and then I find myself questioning the statement I am gay. I still only watch gay porn and find myself imagining about men, but women cross me as a phenomenon. I don't think of them sexually, just romantically. With men, I think of then sexually and romantically. So where does that leave me?

When first defining myself, I never get like bisexual described me. I always felt weird saying and even describing myself as bi, as if it didn't fit me. When I figured I was gay, it almost clicked. It still felt weird at first, but it felt heartwarming, homey. It gave me a feeling of peace for the second... But does that make it true? What if I'm interpreting that wrong? Maybe now I've just gotten so accustomed to saying I'm gay that anything else feels weird to describe me.

When first defining myself, I figured I was just like Ricky Martin. I was able to deter whether or not a woman was good-looking or even sexy, but when it came down to it, women were not for me. I work with this girl who I could potentially see myself dating... She's cute and we're always joking around, but is it just flirting? Or am I really feeling something towards her? When we sat down and talked, I think some of those feelings were starting to fade, but why? Where'd they go? I never have those feelings towards guys.

But what about in general? Can a person truelly love a woman just as equally as they love a man? Can it not just solely be based on sex? I honestly don't know. Especially since most of the people I know end up with a person of the opposite sex and/or end up saying they are attracted to the opposite side more. And girls don't make the arguments easier! They always go for these lebianic experiences and say they're gay or bi now, but then will turn around and say they're strictly dickly!

They're are soo many things that go against bisexuality that honestly puts everything and everyone against them. I hate it because It's pretty much shunning people who are truelly bisexual and telling them they are a lie. But those are the very same people who need to speak up and tell their stories. But I open this up to all you readers. What do you think about bisexuality? Do you think It's real? Why and why not? Let me know cause I'd honestly like to hear some input. Hope everyone had a great weekend. It's back to work and school for me tomorrow. Have a great week everyone!

~Be Breezy~