Bisexuality

This is a very hard topic to talk about. Why? Because it is something that is even hard for me to comprehend. I've held myself from starting this post from lack of knowledge or what exactly to say. But I thought to share my thoughts.

Bisexuality is the personal attraction of both genders instead of one like gay or straight. For me, as for most gay people, bisexuality was a stepping stone. It was easier to come out and say I'm bi, rather than I'm gay. This is because in the minds of those coming out, it let's you know that I'm still half normal. When I first started telling people, I was always telling them I'm bi because I was always scared to say gay. I figured that if they thought I still liked girls, they'd still like me. Of course, this poses many problems.

One of these problems, which isn't that bid a deal, is letting them know later down the line that you're not really bisexual, you're gay. The main problem this poses is the belief in bisexuality. Most people don't believe in bisexuality because most gay people just use it as a stepping stone. Or for straight people, it is used to explain experimentation. Which leaves the questioning person thinking, is there such thing? Can a person truelly be attracted to both sexes?

When I was younger, I pretty much knew that I hadn't felt anything towards girls. I was always watching gay porn and always found myself looking at guys. But when it came to me defining who I am, came along questions. At first I was definite, but every now and then I find myself questioning the statement I am gay. I still only watch gay porn and find myself imagining about men, but women cross me as a phenomenon. I don't think of them sexually, just romantically. With men, I think of then sexually and romantically. So where does that leave me?

When first defining myself, I never get like bisexual described me. I always felt weird saying and even describing myself as bi, as if it didn't fit me. When I figured I was gay, it almost clicked. It still felt weird at first, but it felt heartwarming, homey. It gave me a feeling of peace for the second... But does that make it true? What if I'm interpreting that wrong? Maybe now I've just gotten so accustomed to saying I'm gay that anything else feels weird to describe me.

When first defining myself, I figured I was just like Ricky Martin. I was able to deter whether or not a woman was good-looking or even sexy, but when it came down to it, women were not for me. I work with this girl who I could potentially see myself dating... She's cute and we're always joking around, but is it just flirting? Or am I really feeling something towards her? When we sat down and talked, I think some of those feelings were starting to fade, but why? Where'd they go? I never have those feelings towards guys.

But what about in general? Can a person truelly love a woman just as equally as they love a man? Can it not just solely be based on sex? I honestly don't know. Especially since most of the people I know end up with a person of the opposite sex and/or end up saying they are attracted to the opposite side more. And girls don't make the arguments easier! They always go for these lebianic experiences and say they're gay or bi now, but then will turn around and say they're strictly dickly!

They're are soo many things that go against bisexuality that honestly puts everything and everyone against them. I hate it because It's pretty much shunning people who are truelly bisexual and telling them they are a lie. But those are the very same people who need to speak up and tell their stories. But I open this up to all you readers. What do you think about bisexuality? Do you think It's real? Why and why not? Let me know cause I'd honestly like to hear some input. Hope everyone had a great weekend. It's back to work and school for me tomorrow. Have a great week everyone!

~Be Breezy~

Tired of hiding

I'm sick of it. I don't know how much longer I'm going to last. I'm done being left behind. I'm done not having anyone. I'm done with the lonely nights and the textless phone. I'm done hiding tracks and the lies I hold.

Lately, I've been finding it harder and harder to hide the fact that I'm gay to my parents. This all probably started a little while ago back when I was picking out clothes. My mom was criticizing what I wear and said, "you know who wears tight clothing? Gay people." And my response? I don't care.

Normally, when it came to anything gay, I would deny deny deny. Now, it seems I am being more open with my thoughts and I couldn't care less about if they found something or heard something. Before, I would hide my suspenders and rainbow bandana in my backpack and carry it around with me to ensure that my parents wouldn't stumble upon it, but now, it sits in my piano bench. Where anyone can easily open and find it. I think about leaving my gay items around for them to find and not even be worried. But I know that also isn't good.

It's good that I'm mentally and emotionally ready to come out, but I'm not economically ready. I have to remember that I put my entire future at risk by coming out. If I slip up, my parents might kick me out. And then It's all over. I will have no way to really get to work, no shelter, and potentially no future.
I always think about it though. If I left something laying around for them to find and they call me upstairs into their room and we talk about it. I tell them my two cents and we move on. If I were to get kicked out, I could take buses to get to work, stay at a couple of my friends houses, save money and be ready for what the world brings next. I could do it. It is possible, but would that be the best thing to do?

I just can't help it. I'm sick of waiting. Sick of lying. I hate having to come up with a lie as to why I want to go to the library. Why I want to go to ESU. Where I wanna go on Friday night's. I hate having to hide the things that give me pride. My suspenders, rainbow bandana, pamphlets, books, websites, blogs, and videos. Lastly, I hate having to hide who I am. Gay geek. Flamboyant. Cub. Bear lover. Gay pride enthusiast. Gay best friend. Boyfriend.

The main thing is, I want to go out and meet someone! I wanna go to twist on a Friday night and meet a guy and chat and flirt. Have a great time and dance and exchange phone numbers. Text each other the next day to see what's up and when we can get together and move on from there. But while being in the closet, I can't really get there. I have to come up with a legit lie as to where I'm going, when I'll be back, why so late, how I'll get there, and what happened.

I'm just sick of being alone and this closet door isn't helping. I wanna go explore who I am, but I keep running into this annoying ass door! I don't know how much longer I'll last, hopefully I don't snap myself into a bad situation. I just can't help it anymore...

Everything is gay

So I'm in target right now and I was just browsing around and I walk upon the book section. I had been telling myself for a while that I wanted to get myself into more reading. It just seems distinguishing, fun, and relaxing. But if I were to start reading, it would have to be something I'm interested in. Only one thing comes to mind... A little while ago I was searching for books to read and again, only one thing of interest came to mind.

A little while ago I wrote a post called Why is it always the gay where I explained how everything bad that happens to me I happen to blame on being gay. I think I found a little bit of an answer to that. I think It's more than just I'm blaming my bad luck on my homosexuality, the only thing I'm really interested in is homosexuality! Everywhere I go, that is the main thing on my mind. It's almost like I have an obsession with it.

I don't know what it is about being gay. I am just so fathomized by it. The stories on how people figured out who they were. The rejections, the acceptions, the coming process in general! It's one thing that I am attracted to guys and all I can think about is guys, but I feel the need to involve it in my everyday life. The people I watched on YouTube when I was first coming out used to say being gay is just a little piece of you. It is not everything about you. For me It's the opposite! It's a huge part of me! Shapes my character, who I wanna be around, who wants to be around me, my thought process, and my social conversation.

I try not to talk about it a lot because I know a lot of other people don't care nor do they wanna hear about it, but truth is, I love talking about it! I love writing, learning, and reading anything that has to do with it! Not even a lot of gay people like talking about it that much. They feel it is just a little piece that they just glide on over. But me, It's more than just that. It is a huge part of my interests. Like I said, it shapes who I am as a person right now.

Is this a problem? I guess the answer's yes and no. Everyone has their obsession and mines happens to be my sexuality. But I can't let it be everything about me because that's how you turn people away. If some people don't want to hear it, I just have to respect that and move on. But it is an interest of mine and it's fine that I like to read and learn about it! It shows passion and drive! This could even be a sign of me brig a future activist! Who knows?!

Anyways, thanks for reading. Just thought I'd post a thought while I wad waiting for my shift to start and meanwhile it did kill a little time, I still got another 51 minutes... Shoot me..

Feeling defeated...

This is gonna be another internal post. Probably not too long because I don't really know what everything is until I get it all out. I hate expressing myself generally because it feels like complaining. There are so many people out in the world that are doing better than me. I have a pool, a big house, air hockey, my own room, a piano, a smart phone, etc., and I have the nerve to complain? But that's also why I started this blog. To get my feelings out there instead of always bottling everything inside and creating more destruction in my mind and hopefully not, my heart. So onwards!

These types of mornings pass me by every once in a while. Those mornings of just defeat. Where you feel like nothing has been going right or anything you want to happen is happening. Then you look for things that have gone wrong and let them weigh on you. It might be just me, I doubt it though. I feel a little spoiled when thinking about it actually. Throwing a tantrum because I'm not getting my way. But what's causing this defeat?

I couldn't sleep last night because I was so tired and sore that I kept twisting and turning. Then on top of that, I kept craving cashews. So no sleep. Then I bought my mother flowers last night. Just to tell her I loved her. What happens? She isn't coming home today. So now the flowers might not look as good by the time she sees them. Next, my mom gives us a coupon for the China buffet and I wanna go out to eat. The bros can't/ font feel like going. Everytime I try to make plans, they never work out because of that, but when everybody else wants to make plans, I'ma dick or It's my fault if I don't follow through. Same with six flags, I'm the only one tryna make these plans telling everyone to take off and they got a billion and one things. Next, there's nothing for breakfast. I planned on eating a steak sandwich, but there was only enough bread to make one.

With all that stuff going on, the only thing that comes to mind is, nothing is going right. Along with the terrible morning, I'm reminded that it is pride weekend and I can't go. I have to stay home and work... Closeted. I can't wear my rainbow bandana or suspenders or even buy ne a new pair. All over Instagram people are celebrating who they are and I can't. If nothing could go right this morning, why couldn't I at least be able to go to that?

It's also P-town this weekend. And all I'm gonna see is the big bear gatherings on instagram. How I missed out on all the insta meet and greets. How I don't get to party and drink. How I missed out on creating a bromance or brocubs or even a husbear.

On top of that, I'm reminded that I'm single. That I'm lonely. My bros have their girlfriends this weekend. They can kiss and act all lovely dovey and text all day while I sit in lonely despair. I have no cuddle buddy this weekend or anybody to share my happiness in the end of doma. Everyone else has got plans except me. Everyone's got somebody... Except me.

So now I get to eat my breakfast all alone, while watching digimon and get ready for another shift at work when I could be preparing for pride or even a good dinner tonight. Sorry for the story of defeat this morning everyone. I hope at least you're having a good weekend. Thanks for reading. Happy pride everyone!

~Be Breezy~

Like Father, different son?

Ok, there have been a couple of signs telling me I had to write about my dad. This morning and this afternoon, I just so happened to have caught to episodes of Law and Order: SVU. Coincidentally, both episodes had to do with disapproving attitudes from fathers to their homosexual sons. What are the odds that both the episodes pertained to an incident that happened about a day or two ago?

What was the incident you ask? Well everyone, gather round, cause It's story time! My friend, whom I consider my brother and refer to as bro, asked me to sleep over his house so we could watch cartoons. Now mind you, he is straight and has a girlfriend, plus he.lives down the street. I sleep over his house all the time, and his parents love it! They insist that me and my brother sleep over. His parents are going through a horrible divorce and us being around helps calm the tensions a little, that and help take my bro away from it all. Along with me sleeping over, he sleeps over here all the time! The problem occurred when my dad was in the process of saying no.

I wasn't thinking about what I was saying because he had already said no and therefore, I shut him out, but he asks "where do you sleep." And I said either on the couch, the floor, or on the bed with him. This set my father on a rant. Like I said, I hadn't thought of my answer. He went on and on about how I shouldn't be doing that and how It's wrong and more Bullshit. Which led to, I can't ever sleep over there again.

Obviously, My dad is VERY homophobic. He told me and my brother from day one that he doesn't condone "homosexual behavior" practice in his house. If we were old enough to make that "decision" to be gay, we were old enough to live in your own and therefore, get out. My sister thinks he would even go as far as to kill me. And the way he reacts to it, I am starting to see it myself.

How do I feel about this? Actually, I don't care to a certain degree. I care about what he says and I get pissed off, but to know that he may walk out of my life based on that one factor... I couldn't utter a flying fuck. Me and my dad have never been close. I have never had a heart to heart with him or a willing conversation. There was one point in my life where I said I despised him and everything he stood for. I didn't want any part of him in my life. It has only been recently, and hardly at that, that I would say I love him, but don't like him.

Where did this come from? Our history. I feel like it started with him hitting us as kids. It left bad imprints in our minds which started our hatred for him. And with that, we used to be exhilarated that he would be going to work. Then it was also the cold attitude he had towards everything. All of my friends notice it and they get a bad vibe off him. Another one, and one of the biggest, I can't stand his ignorant attitude. He acts as though he knows everything about everything because he's got a couple years of life on us and been around. He may know one aspect about one subject and base the whole thing off one generalization and then try to lecture us about it. Probably the last, but definetly the biggest reason, he hit my mother. I remember clearly her running downswairs into the basement to trying to get away from him and he followed her and beat her with his belt. I remember her screaming for him to stop and he kept doing it. Then he finally came upstairs and went to his room and left her in the basement crying.

Another time was when she was upstairs and telling him to leave her alone and then the next thing I hear is a bang. Followed by that bang was her cry. She was crying for him to stop, but he wouldn't. Next I heard what sounded like a vibration on the ceiling as he continuously hit her and she cried in pain...

I will NEVER forget those nights. They repeat back to me every couple of nights and I can't help but worry about her. This same man she sleeps next to every night is the same man who said he wouldn't do it again, but then did it again, and again... He hasn't done it in a while, but I will NEVER forgive him for that. You do not EVER put your hands on ANYONE. Especially not your spouse.

All of these factors are included in my resentment towards my father. It feels like I have gone most of my life without someone I'd like to call a father figure. He's been there, but hardly. My sister grew up without her biological father, and grew up with him. I told her I'd be fine with my father not being in my life anymore and I wouldn't care. She begs to differ. She feels that I will miss him and I will feel that difference.

But what will I be losing? Someone who tried to change me from who I was every step of the way. When I was younger and even still sometimes now, he criticizes everything I do because of how I do it. When I was a kid and used to play these pretend storylines with my brother, we would sometimes play as girls. At first I guess it was fine, but as we got older, my brother's voice changed first so I was the only one who could do a girl voice and ny dad had a problem. He asked, "why do you always talk in such a girly voice when playing?" When my niece lived with me, around the same time I was figuring out I was gay, I apparently picked up "gay tendencies". I talked with my hands a lot and exaggerated words when talking to my niece, whom was a baby at the time so I did it as baby talk. This came out to be a huge problem for him. He would expose these tendencies in front of everyone and let me know how unmanly it was.

I can't get my ears pierced because he thinks guys with ear rings are gay. He wouldn't let me wear anklets because they were gay. He got annoyed with me always hanging out with girls because it made me look gay. I couldn't do the play because it made me seem gay. He had a problem with most of the things I wanted to do and was when ibwas younger which brought down my confidence as a teenager.

I worry about being too flamboyant or talking with my hands or looking a certain way a little too much. I used to ask my friends all the time if they thought I was flamboyant and it would kill me more and more everytime. He took away a lot of my sense I had of who I was; a part I am trying to find today.

I will not miss that. Not in the slightest. I will also not miss someone who will be disapproving to the life I'm going to lead. I'm not going to miss that feeling of worry because I don't know how he will react to the man I love. I won't miss the worry I have for how he will react to the children I will have. I won't miss his judgemental stares. I won't miss his cold attitude, his ignorance, and especially his ability to do harm.

I will not miss it, and throughout this whole post I realize how much stuff he has put me through and how it had affected me. Don't get me wrong, I had a good life and he is partially responsible for that. But he is also responsible for mos of my insecurities and loss of who I am. In the end, time will tell if he will leave or not and if he does, I'll be ready for it. And I feel like it will hurt him a lot more than it will hurt me. Thanks for listening everyone. Just remember to love and cherish those that are close to you. And watch what you say, because you very well me be hurting the person who is closest to you... Have a great day!!!
~Be Breezy!~

Ready, but not set...

Early this morning, I had an outfit I was planning to wear and I needed my mom to sew the shorts for me. So she forgot and said she would have it ready before it was time for me to leave. Finally she came back to me and told me she couldn't do it and it led to a problem of "what can I wear now".

Now, I don't know if I have a particular problem when it comes to choosing what to wear, but sometimes I just can't. I can't just throw on anything. It has to be perfect for the day almost. If it is warm outside, I can't just throw on any t-shirt and jeans or shorts... It's gotta be the right ones. My family hates helping me pick out what to wear because of this problem. But I don't think they fully understand the extent to which it bothers me.

If I put on something I feel is not right, it physically bugs me. Physically, i will feel wierd, as if I am not myself. And the mental aspect of me will let me feel every second of it. I will be non-stop thinking about how I look and what people will think of me while I'm wearing it; and I never really imagine them saying nice things. In the midst of me ironing my clothes coping with what I settled with wearing, I always think back to what else I could wear that could possibly be better;and then once I've found it, I run downstairs and grab the new stuff! Even though I have no time! It really bugs me and they just don't understand...

I know you're wondering, "what does this have to do with being gay?" Other then the fact of me having a stereotypical fashion sense.. while I was looking for that right outfit for today after she shot the idea of my first choice, she started criticizing all of the clothes I wear. How they're "too tight" or I always have to dress so "flamboyantly". I told her I simply like the style of it, It's just my sense of fashion and people seem to like it. Her response was, "Do you know who dresses like that? Gay people."

Obviously after this comment you can infer that my parents are homophobic. So my response was, for once, "I don't care!" I would never say that to comments like those to my parents because that would lead them to infer that I was gay. They can't know because that puts me and my future at risk. My dad has said since day one that he will not accept homosexual "behavior" in this house and if we think we're grown enough to make that "decision" then we are obviously grown enough toive on our own. I have worked way to hard in school and through life to throw it all away.

Another reason this puts me at risk is my safety. My sister insists I don't tell my dad in person because he might lose control. She thinks he just might kill me. Now I don't know if this is true, but I'm not gonna risk it. So saying this to my mom was a huge thing.

I hate having to lie about who I am. I want to be open and truthful about who I am because I am not ashamed of it. I wanna be able to wear my rainbow suspenders while leaving the house or not have to worry about my mom stumbling upon my rainbow bandana or suspenders. I don't want it to be a shock when I bring home a guy. I hate having to whisper about it and refer to it as the thing when my parents are around. It is simply ridiculous.

This is also why I don't have a problem with going to school. In school, I don't have to hide behind that closet door, as much. People don't know about the whole best community thing, but they know I'm gay so I don't have to worry about anything like that! I can freely say boyfriend or wear rainbows or even dress flamboyantly because it will be accepted and will kind of be expected.

But even though they understand the gay aspect of me, my school has yet to fully understand the bear aspect of me. I still hide behind the leaves that cover my tracks into the cave of bears. I hate having to hide and feel ashamed of that part of me because that is one of my favorite parts about me. I love the bear community and hate having to hide my love for it; but I am getting better. I hashtag gay bear and cub on instagram and people have found out through there or I have my favorite bear community photos on my lock screen and it shoots random photos so it is kind of sprung upon people.

But here's where the not set part comes into play. I want to come out from behind the closet doors, but if I do, I must be sure in who I am. Like I said in a previous post, I'm not exactly 100% sure I am gay. Sometimes I question it, other times I am sure. I never feel sexually attracted to a girl other then just wanting to hold them or kiss them, but it goes further with men. I want to hold, kiss, caress, cuddle, have sex with, etc.

I don't want to come out and then all of a sudden jump back in what I'm saying and figure out I'm straight and was just confused as a child. Or bisexual and just wasn't accepting it. That would give my parents and all those who think It's a decision a satisfaction I don't want them to have. That would hive them the opening they have been waiting for ti say, "see I told you you could change" or "I told you you weren't gay, and now that you have probably caught something, you wanna switch back."

I won't let them have it. That is why I must be sure first. I kind if fucked myself over in school because I came out as gay before ever really being 100% sure and now I can't go back on what I said if I am not sure. If I am all of a sudden attracted to some girl, I can't chase after her without someone questioning her or me, and I am just not ready or strong enough to deal with that yet.

I thought when I started getting more mature I wasn't gonna have to play hide and seek anymore. It was fun as a child, but the fun has faded and I'm ready to play man hunt... The society that surrounds me has kept me in this bind for 16 years going on 17, and I don't know how much longer this cub can hold it. Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has a great memorial day weekend!

~Be Breezy!~