Stop Lying.

I want to stop lying. To you. And you. And you. And especially to you. How long can I keep this up? I'm not doing anyone any favors. I want to stop lying. I hope I can. I think I'll start tonight, even though I kind of started two days ago. I'm petrified. I feel like these lies have gotten me this far, and taking them back might mean something bad. And I don't know how much more bad I can really take. Let me keep this short and to the point.

I'll start with you. I'm sorry I lied to you. We've gone through a lot. Adventures that people our ages couldn't imagine doing and people twice our age dreamt they could do. We were in love. We laughed. We fought. We yelled. We screamed. We kissed good night. We gave stuff up for each other. We fell apart. We're not friends.

For a while I had doubted our relationship. And for a while I had lied to you. I cheated on you. I can't even say just once. I did it multiple times. I did it because I knew we wouldn't have sex and it infuriated me. You either pushed me away or I had to thoroughly chase you and I never got chased back and I was fed up. I didn't even feel bad after a while. It just became something I felt I had to do.

The other night, I told you I didn't care about you. I didn't lie, but I was crude. I told you I didn't care about you, I took advantage of you, I manipulated you, and I didn't care. I knew I could get what I wanted out of you, so I did. I didn't even feel remorse for it. It was fucking with you, and I knew it. I knew it and I did it anyways.

To you, I'm sorry.

I want to stop lying to you, too.

I met you about two years ago. We met on grindr. We talked for a long time. Even talked over the phone. You were in a horrible spot. Hated your job, you were living with your ex and you could never have people over, etc. We tried to hook up multiple times, and we just never made it happen. Fast forward two years.

We reconnected after my break up. Finally. Somehow, I was hoping I'd run into you. We chatted for maybe 10 minutes. Very brief. I invited myself over and we connected very quickly. Very easily. I fell for you. Very easily and very quickly. I kept trying to tell myself not to fall so hard because I didn't think you'd like me back, but I did.

I'm sorry I told you I didn't think we should date. Every day I kick myself because of it.  Every day I wonder where would I have been if I had actually dated you. I thought we vibed very well together. I thought I saw a couple flaws between us and I let them scare me away, but I wish I hadn't. I don't think I'm in love with you because I've distanced myself enough to not get there, but I always get these deep feelings brought back whenever I think about you.

I lied to you. Maybe not directly, but by not speaking up. I should have told you how I felt. Told you the type of feelings I had developing for you. I should have told you how angry it made me when I felt like I was the only one making plans with you. I should have told you how angry it made me because it felt like you could never make time for me or how I never felt special because of it. What pushed me away was your inability to make me feel special and wanted. Maybe not wanted, but needed. I really like you. Immensely, but I'm scared to tell you because I feel like it won't be reciprocated or maybe I've missed my shot.

For that, I'm sorry.

I want to stop lying to you.

You are such a special person. Such a rare person. So strong willed. Strong minded. Strong in general. You always keep kicking. There have been tons of forces that would have told many to give up and turn off the light, but not you. You have this light, this fire that burns. Burns bright. And no matter how dim it gets, you always turn it back on somehow. You're funny, you're witty, you're smart, and you are going to go far. But maybe not with me.

I've lied to you. For a while now. Longer than I thought I had. Sometimes not intentionally. It sucks because I really like you and we have such a great time together, but it's pretty clear that we're not meant to be.

The other day, you told me you were falling for me. I've been almost dreading the moment that you were going to say that. I've been dreading it because I don't feel the same way, and I don't think I ever will. From the moment we met, you'd been talking about me in this special light. A light that is clearly different from the light I see you in. You say things like, "You've known all along" or "From the moment I saw you". Meanwhile I say things like, "I love when you" and "you, too".

I don't see you in that light. Part of that I blame on myself for not listening to you. For a while you had been telling me that we can't say certain things to each other because it will feel more like we are friends more so than we are boyfriends, and you were right. I feel like we work better as friends than we do as boyfriends. We make fun of each other, call each other hunty, etc. And it has somehow pushed you into the friend zone with me.

If I'm being totally honest, the lies don't stop there. I haven't enjoyed our sex life, or lack there of. I know we'd been easing our way into things, but I hadn't been having a lot of fun along the way and I lied to you when we finally accomplished something and I said I enjoyed it. To be honest, I couldn't enjoy myself because my focus was elsewhere and I couldn't keep going.

As shallow as it sounds, sex is a big part of my life, and I enjoy it. I want to enjoy having sex with the person I like and eventually love, but whatever we were doing wasn't it. And then we don't vibe well sexually. As much as we vibe well everywhere else, I never felt as though we could make it happen sexually. This pushed me to cheat. Sex already wasn't readily available to me and I didn't necessarily enjoy it when it was, so I sought it elsewhere. I wish I could say I only did it once, but I didn't. I wish I could say that I wish I could be the one for you, but I can't, and I shouldn't waste any more of your time.

For that, I'm sorry.

Lastly, I want to stop lying to you. You are the most important person in my life. You are my absolute favorite person. Of all the people I should be honest with, you should be at the top of the list. At the beginning of the year, I told you I would stay true to you. Listen to your heart and follow everything that would make you happy. Good Vibes and good times. But I went back on that.

I'm not proud of myself. I'm not proud of you, whoever you are. Because of what I've done, you are not who I necessarily wanted you to be. For two months, I lied to you and drove you into this rut. This rut filled of fear, anxiety, solitude, hunger, etc. From that, I let you get talked into bad jobs, things you weren't ready for, and scary situations. I let you have a panic attack. Even passed that, I made you go back and have another one. I made you pull over to the side of the road and cry to your friend at 7 in the morning. I made you beat yourself up day in and day out for an hour until you got to your destination and then for12 more hours.

Now I've got you trapped between three guys. One whom you want almost nothing to do with. One you wish you could be the one for. And one you truly want to be with, but don't feel like could be with you. I feel like I don't even know what to tell you. I feel like I don't even know where to tell you to go next or what to do next.

For that, I'm sorry.

I want to do better. I want to start telling the truth. To you. And you. And you. And especially you. I hope I can somehow make you proud of me again.

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

I'm sick of being here I can't take it anymore! I feel like I'm wasting my time. Nothing here seems important. I could be out working or meeting new people or even working on music! I could be doing something productive to help get me closer to figuring out my future. What am I talking about? What Is this hell hole I speak of? I call it jail, but most others refer to it as high school.

I'm in my senior year of high school and I'm just done with it! There's nothing really going on. We're bot really doing anything where It's like we can't graduate or anything, so I guess that's what makes it seem like nothing. I'm not even there for long. I have to get up WAY too early to just go for two chore classes and two Bullshit classes. I probably wouldn't feel as bad about it if I had classes that I took a lot of interest in. In my previous years, I've taken all the music classes and now all I'm left with is piano which I've had three times. I would just like to leave and figure what I want to do for the rest of my life and be on my way!

Maybe if I had some people to really interact with, but I don't. Now I'm a big people person and can make friends anywhere, anyhow. The problem comes forth where I feel I can't connect with everyone. I like to be crazy and wild, but yet very mature and steady. I like to make dark jokes that go waayyy too far, but like civilized mature conversation. This explains why most of my friends lately have been older, I just connect with them better. They aren't caught up with kiddy drama or anything, just talk.

Most of the kids nowadays are so caught up in being ghetto and loud and other stupid shit. Otherwise, they are uppity and I just don't relate to them. Outside of school, I have a wider variety of people to talk to and meet, while in school, I'm stuck with what I got for 180 days...

I think if I had that group of friends I could connect and hang with, it wouldn't be so bad. I lost that group of friends when I became a junior and later a senior. All of my friends moved on to college and/or are doing their own thing. Meanwhile, I'm stuck here with the group of people I never really connected with and forced to deal with it. Now I'm stuck with all the annoying, immature athletes in my class and the whiney, uppity girls that surround them.

But that'd what I've got for now. I've just got to keep trucking until June and then I'm out of here! Thanks for reading and sorry this wasn't really a gay oriented post. The next one definetly will be. How everyone had a great day!

Coming Out

Today is a very special day. A day we as the LGBT community come together to celebrate a wonderful time in each other's lives. A very wonderful and personal point in time for us all. This day we pay tribute to on October 11 is called National coming out day.

A lot of straight people think this is kind of irrelevent, but they don't understand the importance of coming out. Coming out for anyone is a huge point in a person's life. It is a point in life where a person finds the courage to accept themselves for who they are and let the world know who they are. For LGBT people, this may include coming out as transgender, bisexual, lesbian, or in my case, gay. But coming out comes in different forms. For some people they may come out as a furry, or a gleek, or even an anime geek. Either way, acceptance is the key.

Another thing about coming out, It's something that never ends. We as different people are ALWAYS coming out. Most people will never know certain things about a person unless someone comes out and tells them. I am one of those people who breaks stereotypes pretty well, so with that, I'm constantly having to come out and tell people I'm gay. And of course with that comes with the second coming out as a gay cub. But just because people come out all the time doesn't make it any easier.

Coming out is never easy. Especially the first couple of times. My first time coming out was terrifying. I remember my heart racing and my head going light, and I didn't even do it in person! The first person I told was this butch lesbian who was soo sure I was gay, but I came out to her as bisexual. We weren't close or anything, I guess I just felt like she really couldn't overreact to me because me and her really weren't very different. But after her brought upon the coming out to one of my closest friends. Again, very terrified and hesitant, and still not even in person. I couldn't even get up the courage to do it over instant messaging, I did it through a MySpace email. My heart was racing all the way until he called me later that day and he said he didn't really care. From there, it didn't get much easier.

Sometimes people feel coming out is a lot easier after the first time. That wasn't entirely true for me... I came out to some of my closest friends as bisexual, which wasn't really the truth. It took me until my sophomore year in high school to gain up the courage to ever try coming out again. My next coming out was in a GSA where I was completely choked up and damn near ashamed to say it in front of people who barely knew me and were in the same situation!

From there came the last time I was ever scared of coming out, which was when I decided to come out in school. In this case, I was completely full of anxiety because I knew what I was going to do, just how when was I going to do it? I first told my activity bus driver and we talked for a while about it and I got a little more comfortable and then the next day I ended up just blurting it out at the end of class and everyone accepted it and moved on.

I cherish my coming out and am very proud of it. As should everyone else, which is why I put so much feeling into this day. This is our day to appreciate and reflect on these memories and share our stories in pride and victory. I hope this tradition continues and everyone celebrates the true meaning of coming out. Happy national coming out day and thanks for reading! Feel free to share your stories or kik me or instagram me. Have a great night everyone!

~Be Breezy~

Pride

Pride. The feeling of pleasure in one's own achievements. To feel proud of one's self. Today, I am missing the pride parade in New York City. While everyone one is out partaking in this celebration of who they are, I am staying home in the closet baby sitting and working. It really upsets me to be missing this celebration because we have even more to celebrate! The Defense of Marriage Act was named unconstitutional and marriage equality is now brought into California. So not only do we get the chance to celebrate who we are, we get to celebrate another step closer to true equality. But going to pride is a lot more than just a celebration to me. For me, it goes much deeper than that.

I am closeted at home. So I have no way of really being who I am. I can't walk around with rainbows on and throw myself out very flamboyantly. I can't scream out "I'm gay" and feel happy. I won't have that feeling of safety amongst my gay community. I won't have that feeling of community around me.

At the parade, I could hang out with my cousins and rejoice in celebration. I could wear my rainbow suspenders and bandana with pride. I can kiss another guy in pure happiness without having to fear anything. I can dance to all the music that's playing. I could feel safe amongst my gay family. I could mingle amongst more gay people and make some longtime friends.

For me, pride is an opportunity to be as flamboyant as I want and wear as many rainbows as I can without feeling self conscious. It is a place to feel like I belong somewhere. Out here, I don't have that feeling. I don't have many gay friends and I don't like wearing my rainbows all the time because I feel as though I'm throwing it out there. Pride is my opportunity to be proud if who I am, which isn't always easy to do.

I just recently started being able to admit that I like bears. Before, I thought it was something i had to hide. I was ashamed of it. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone because I wasn't ok with it... But now I have started taking pride into that part of me. I have learned that it was ok to like other bears and that there are others like me. This is something to celebrate. The ability to feel happy about who I am.

Over all, I hope everyone has a great time at the pride parade. I wish I could take part in the celebration, but things just didn't seem to work out in that way. Thanks for reading! Happy pride!

Feeling defeated...

This is gonna be another internal post. Probably not too long because I don't really know what everything is until I get it all out. I hate expressing myself generally because it feels like complaining. There are so many people out in the world that are doing better than me. I have a pool, a big house, air hockey, my own room, a piano, a smart phone, etc., and I have the nerve to complain? But that's also why I started this blog. To get my feelings out there instead of always bottling everything inside and creating more destruction in my mind and hopefully not, my heart. So onwards!

These types of mornings pass me by every once in a while. Those mornings of just defeat. Where you feel like nothing has been going right or anything you want to happen is happening. Then you look for things that have gone wrong and let them weigh on you. It might be just me, I doubt it though. I feel a little spoiled when thinking about it actually. Throwing a tantrum because I'm not getting my way. But what's causing this defeat?

I couldn't sleep last night because I was so tired and sore that I kept twisting and turning. Then on top of that, I kept craving cashews. So no sleep. Then I bought my mother flowers last night. Just to tell her I loved her. What happens? She isn't coming home today. So now the flowers might not look as good by the time she sees them. Next, my mom gives us a coupon for the China buffet and I wanna go out to eat. The bros can't/ font feel like going. Everytime I try to make plans, they never work out because of that, but when everybody else wants to make plans, I'ma dick or It's my fault if I don't follow through. Same with six flags, I'm the only one tryna make these plans telling everyone to take off and they got a billion and one things. Next, there's nothing for breakfast. I planned on eating a steak sandwich, but there was only enough bread to make one.

With all that stuff going on, the only thing that comes to mind is, nothing is going right. Along with the terrible morning, I'm reminded that it is pride weekend and I can't go. I have to stay home and work... Closeted. I can't wear my rainbow bandana or suspenders or even buy ne a new pair. All over Instagram people are celebrating who they are and I can't. If nothing could go right this morning, why couldn't I at least be able to go to that?

It's also P-town this weekend. And all I'm gonna see is the big bear gatherings on instagram. How I missed out on all the insta meet and greets. How I don't get to party and drink. How I missed out on creating a bromance or brocubs or even a husbear.

On top of that, I'm reminded that I'm single. That I'm lonely. My bros have their girlfriends this weekend. They can kiss and act all lovely dovey and text all day while I sit in lonely despair. I have no cuddle buddy this weekend or anybody to share my happiness in the end of doma. Everyone else has got plans except me. Everyone's got somebody... Except me.

So now I get to eat my breakfast all alone, while watching digimon and get ready for another shift at work when I could be preparing for pride or even a good dinner tonight. Sorry for the story of defeat this morning everyone. I hope at least you're having a good weekend. Thanks for reading. Happy pride everyone!

~Be Breezy~

Cub Vs. Guy Talk

You know that conversation that you have with your group of friends about how she looks cute? Or in girls' cases, he looks cute. Or how your friends talk about how they'd like to fuck this person in this position and run your toungue all over. That's what I'm talking about. Now, I'm calling it guy talk because I'm a guy and my issue mainly deals with guys. Not to say that females don't do this, because they probably do, I'm just more familiar with my bros doing it.

Every guy does this. They get comfortable and get raunchy. Which is fine! We all have sex, it ain't nothin to hide! We all masturbate; again, nothing to hide! And guys have thrown away their shame behind these mannerisms and just decide to be open about them. When he says how he'd like to fuck her in that hole with his finger here, he knows someone else was gonna say it anyways or they were gonna say it about somebody else.

My issue with this is when It's my turn. I have a lot of guy friends, most of which are straight. I don't mind you guy talking with me! Shit, I'll probably gas it up and join in! But when I start guy talking, I expect the same! I hate how I'm generous enough to listen and tag along in your guy talk and you dismiss mines! What, I can't be open about my sex life? Or lack of...

In this gay-themed movie called "Weekend", one of the main characters brings this up. He says how people are ignorant about what we do because we don't talk about it. And if they (straight people) get to be open about their sex, why can't we?! That's society's way of oppressing us. So with that, we should be open about our sex!

Now, I'm not too comfortable talking about me getting fucked or fucking him or anything like that, but I expect guys to be ready to listen ad I've listened to them. Just like one of my friends. He loves to talk about how he talks to all these girls and he never once asks me about how I am with guys. He never even considers it, and when I'm ready to talk about it, he has nothing to contribute to conversation! I understand that he is not too accepting about guys dating guys, but It's called being considerate. If I have to listen to you go in about girls, then you have to listen to me go on about guys!

This is kind of a short post, but It's ok. Feel free to add in your thoughts in the comments. Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has an awesome pride weekend!

Misconception vs. Reality

Ok, so a couple of weeks back, I came out at the barbershop. I used to go to school with one of the barbers there and he knew of my involvement in the school's GSA. I eventually gave way into his curiosity and came out to him. This was something I wasn't expecting...

I knew this kid as the immature party guy that everyone loved. He used to touch guys and rub us in chorus to make us feel uncomfortable, he was cool with everyone, and he was pretty attractive. I never thought this kid could be mature. He was a grade ahead of me, but acted like a freshman for as long as I knew him! But now, here was this same guy, grown up, married, graduated from high school, mature, and talking about his future. And he even had his very own mature thoughts in my sexuality and standing in my coming out process.

He explained that his sister's brother was gay and his grandfather was gay so he was used to it and he knew how it effected people. He was never really homophobic, I just thought he was one of those guys that acted gay, but when it came down to it, would punch the shit out of a guy who'd flirt with them!

Anyways, later throughout our conversation about homosexuality, my usual barber jumps into the conversation and then this conversation turned more into a debate. I was in no way offended by what they said because this was just a matter of sharing feelings and thoughts. I said what I thought and they thought what they thought. Did I agree with them? Not all the time, but that's part of debates. They also said some things that didn't quite make sense to them, but did to me, but they still would run around with it.

My usual barber had these misconceptions about being gay that most old-fashioned people would say, that were just blatantly wrong. I think I even heard my dad say some of these things... One of the things he said was that gay people try to hog attention. This I know my dad say. His example was with the new outing in the NBA by Jason Collins. "Who cares about him being gay?! It has nothing to do with the game! Don't think you're going to get special treatment because you're gay! And why do they make such a big deal about it in entertainment. It has nothing to do with anything!".

To this I knew the answer and he couldbt help but agree. These people in the public eye are viewed as role models. Kids look up to these people and it is important that these people set kids in the right direction, whether It's standing out against something, standing for something, or being true to yourself. Before Collins, there were no openly gay players in the NBA. This makes it seen like this sport isn't for gay people. This makes kids feel bad about themselves and feel like they can't follow their dreams because of their homosexuality. What Collins did by coming out was show that it is possible to be a basketball player and gay. Same goes for Anderson Cooper,  Ricky Martin, and frank ocean. What they did was show that you can be gay and a famous news reporter or entertainer. This made kids realize that they are not alone. That they have someone to relate to them and to look up to.

Another thing my barber had a problem with was "how gays push their homosexuality on everyone. It's only your business, you don't gotta tell the whole world you're gay. You don't see straight people running around saying 'I'm straight' or throwing parties and shit!" The answer to this misconception is we're not. We are not pushing anything on anyone. All we are doing is letting everyone know that we are here and we are going to be heard. We tell people so that they may know another gay person so they know whom it is that they may be talking about when they try to slander our names. So they can realize there is something other then straight families. You hear us all the time because we are fighting for acceptance. We are not trying to push anything on you. You know why straight people don't run around telling people their straight? Because it is accepted and expected. We have to go that extra mile to tell everyone that we don't like the opposite sex. And then on top of that, we have to deal with whoever just moved out of our lives! You know why we have pride parades, because most of us can't and aren't proud to be who we are and this is to say It's ok. Straight people font have to worry about that because they don't have to hide that aspect of themselves. We do.

The last thing that he said, which admittingly pissed me off a little, was "They are trying to teach little kids how to be gay. They are trying to teach my little 10 year old and 7 year old about cock and balls. Now I gotta worry about sending my children to a school where they talk about that? Fuck that, kidnergartners don't need to know about that shit!" My barber is referring to SB48 in California where it states that schools must provide education in homosexuality. For one thing, his facts were wrong, this policy is not for kindergartners. It is for kids that are mature enough to hear and handle this information. For me, sexual education happened right at the end of 5th grade to prepare us for this knowledge in 6th grade and so on. At this age we were about 9-11. At this point in time, some kids have already started going through puberty and most kids had already been dating and have had their first kisses done and over with a while back. This is where this knowledge comes in handy because this is the age where kids start experimenting and asking questions. They are not going to tell a kidnergartner who has no idea who the president is about any form of love. You don't tell your 1st grader about pussy and boobs right? Why would we tell them about cock and balls then? All SB48 is saying is to provide the homosexual information along with heterosexual. Which could basically be done by just acknowledging what it is and the dangers that can come from it.That is all they did with hetero sex, why would it be any different? To explain homosexuality, all you need to do is define it. Then tell them to throw on a condom and get tested. There is no explanation of what goes where and who does what. They don't tell us what goes where and how to do what with hetero sex. We are not teaching kids how to be gay or teaching any "homosexual behaviors". Just informing students that another form of love is out there known as homosex and that is just as risky as heterosex.

This is what I hate about debates, but also what I love about them. I hate it when people use this one thing that gay people have done, but don't loom into what it is and assume It's something bad. Then they pass it on as knowledge and then comes up as a misconception. I like when they come up against me with those misconceptions because then I have a chance to shut their dumbasses up! They have no idea what they're talking about or what we're doing, so don't try and create misconceptions out of something you don't understand.

Thanks for reading anyone, I hope everyone enjoyed! Have a great day guys!

~Be Breezy~

Like Father, different son?

Ok, there have been a couple of signs telling me I had to write about my dad. This morning and this afternoon, I just so happened to have caught to episodes of Law and Order: SVU. Coincidentally, both episodes had to do with disapproving attitudes from fathers to their homosexual sons. What are the odds that both the episodes pertained to an incident that happened about a day or two ago?

What was the incident you ask? Well everyone, gather round, cause It's story time! My friend, whom I consider my brother and refer to as bro, asked me to sleep over his house so we could watch cartoons. Now mind you, he is straight and has a girlfriend, plus he.lives down the street. I sleep over his house all the time, and his parents love it! They insist that me and my brother sleep over. His parents are going through a horrible divorce and us being around helps calm the tensions a little, that and help take my bro away from it all. Along with me sleeping over, he sleeps over here all the time! The problem occurred when my dad was in the process of saying no.

I wasn't thinking about what I was saying because he had already said no and therefore, I shut him out, but he asks "where do you sleep." And I said either on the couch, the floor, or on the bed with him. This set my father on a rant. Like I said, I hadn't thought of my answer. He went on and on about how I shouldn't be doing that and how It's wrong and more Bullshit. Which led to, I can't ever sleep over there again.

Obviously, My dad is VERY homophobic. He told me and my brother from day one that he doesn't condone "homosexual behavior" practice in his house. If we were old enough to make that "decision" to be gay, we were old enough to live in your own and therefore, get out. My sister thinks he would even go as far as to kill me. And the way he reacts to it, I am starting to see it myself.

How do I feel about this? Actually, I don't care to a certain degree. I care about what he says and I get pissed off, but to know that he may walk out of my life based on that one factor... I couldn't utter a flying fuck. Me and my dad have never been close. I have never had a heart to heart with him or a willing conversation. There was one point in my life where I said I despised him and everything he stood for. I didn't want any part of him in my life. It has only been recently, and hardly at that, that I would say I love him, but don't like him.

Where did this come from? Our history. I feel like it started with him hitting us as kids. It left bad imprints in our minds which started our hatred for him. And with that, we used to be exhilarated that he would be going to work. Then it was also the cold attitude he had towards everything. All of my friends notice it and they get a bad vibe off him. Another one, and one of the biggest, I can't stand his ignorant attitude. He acts as though he knows everything about everything because he's got a couple years of life on us and been around. He may know one aspect about one subject and base the whole thing off one generalization and then try to lecture us about it. Probably the last, but definetly the biggest reason, he hit my mother. I remember clearly her running downswairs into the basement to trying to get away from him and he followed her and beat her with his belt. I remember her screaming for him to stop and he kept doing it. Then he finally came upstairs and went to his room and left her in the basement crying.

Another time was when she was upstairs and telling him to leave her alone and then the next thing I hear is a bang. Followed by that bang was her cry. She was crying for him to stop, but he wouldn't. Next I heard what sounded like a vibration on the ceiling as he continuously hit her and she cried in pain...

I will NEVER forget those nights. They repeat back to me every couple of nights and I can't help but worry about her. This same man she sleeps next to every night is the same man who said he wouldn't do it again, but then did it again, and again... He hasn't done it in a while, but I will NEVER forgive him for that. You do not EVER put your hands on ANYONE. Especially not your spouse.

All of these factors are included in my resentment towards my father. It feels like I have gone most of my life without someone I'd like to call a father figure. He's been there, but hardly. My sister grew up without her biological father, and grew up with him. I told her I'd be fine with my father not being in my life anymore and I wouldn't care. She begs to differ. She feels that I will miss him and I will feel that difference.

But what will I be losing? Someone who tried to change me from who I was every step of the way. When I was younger and even still sometimes now, he criticizes everything I do because of how I do it. When I was a kid and used to play these pretend storylines with my brother, we would sometimes play as girls. At first I guess it was fine, but as we got older, my brother's voice changed first so I was the only one who could do a girl voice and ny dad had a problem. He asked, "why do you always talk in such a girly voice when playing?" When my niece lived with me, around the same time I was figuring out I was gay, I apparently picked up "gay tendencies". I talked with my hands a lot and exaggerated words when talking to my niece, whom was a baby at the time so I did it as baby talk. This came out to be a huge problem for him. He would expose these tendencies in front of everyone and let me know how unmanly it was.

I can't get my ears pierced because he thinks guys with ear rings are gay. He wouldn't let me wear anklets because they were gay. He got annoyed with me always hanging out with girls because it made me look gay. I couldn't do the play because it made me seem gay. He had a problem with most of the things I wanted to do and was when ibwas younger which brought down my confidence as a teenager.

I worry about being too flamboyant or talking with my hands or looking a certain way a little too much. I used to ask my friends all the time if they thought I was flamboyant and it would kill me more and more everytime. He took away a lot of my sense I had of who I was; a part I am trying to find today.

I will not miss that. Not in the slightest. I will also not miss someone who will be disapproving to the life I'm going to lead. I'm not going to miss that feeling of worry because I don't know how he will react to the man I love. I won't miss the worry I have for how he will react to the children I will have. I won't miss his judgemental stares. I won't miss his cold attitude, his ignorance, and especially his ability to do harm.

I will not miss it, and throughout this whole post I realize how much stuff he has put me through and how it had affected me. Don't get me wrong, I had a good life and he is partially responsible for that. But he is also responsible for mos of my insecurities and loss of who I am. In the end, time will tell if he will leave or not and if he does, I'll be ready for it. And I feel like it will hurt him a lot more than it will hurt me. Thanks for listening everyone. Just remember to love and cherish those that are close to you. And watch what you say, because you very well me be hurting the person who is closest to you... Have a great day!!!
~Be Breezy!~

Ashamed or Scared?

Have you ever thought about why people lie? We all hate being lied to and most hate having to come up with a good excuse. In my opinion, people lie when they don't want people to know something about them because they're ashamed of a certain part of them or their scared of what people will think of them afterwards.

In the gay community, a trending lie is during the coming out process. We lie everyday before coming out because we are either ashamed of what we are or scared of what people will think of us. Before I came out, I was terrified of what anyone would think of me. I lied because I wanted to keep my friends and family around. Even now I still lie sometimes about the kind of guys I like. I used to lie because I was ashamed of what I was into and scared on top of that. And I still am a little scared of what people will think of me afterwards.

But I have held onto a lie much longer than I should have. I wish I would have killed it off once I started coming out, but I didn't. And now I converse with some of my closest friends with the knowledge that I must keep up with this lie or be exposed as a fraud.

The lie I have assumed was having sex with a female. Why do I continue this lie? I am not ashamed of being gay or scared of what people will think. Some people already know that I have never had sex with a girl, so why do I lie to some of my closer friends? I know how they would react and I have had plenty of chances to admit to them the truth, but a part of me hold on to that lie...

But why? There is nothing wrong with being a gold star gay, in fact, most other gay guys like that. Maybe there is a part of me that still wishes that I was straight and that was my way of proving I'm not entirely different or to ensure my homosexuality. But I am going to break this lying barrier today. Society will no longer hold me back from the truth. Thanks for listening everyone and don't let yourself get tied up in lies. The truth will set you free.

~Be Breezy~

Who am I?

This is a question that plagues a lot of us, especially in the LGBT community. Life bring everyone on a unique journey that includes tons of different trials to shape who you are as a person. But as life goes on, do you ever really know who you really are? After all, your life isn't over, so therefore there are experiences that have yet to shape you, which lead us to the question of "who am I?"

I said especially for the LGBT community because there is a whole other side of us that we are to discover, which is very personal and very internal. This question haunts us because it is not something most of us could discover openly and freely. This question is stunted by society. Some people hate LGBT people, therefore putting people in fear of exploring themselves. People fear LGBT people and this fear results in the destruction of the mind.

LGBT people must learn to overcome these factors before they can ever really explore themselves. This is exactly what plagues me. My closet door disallows me to explore myself openly. I have not been able to date any guys because I am not completely open, but also because of the area I am in. I am disassociated with my type of guys which also brings my journey of who I am to a standstill.

But I can not put all the blame of my standstill on my surroundings, because I am partially to blame. I feel as though I came out too early and thus brought me to fear of telling people otherwise who exactly I am. Also, I feel as though I was influenced by what I had been seeing and I wanted to be something that I wasn't and it made it harder for me to except the fact that I wasn't because of the happiness it brought others. With that feeling, I ran and I rushed myself to come out before ever being really sure I was gay. I compared myself to others thinking maybe I was just like them when I had my own story I needed to figure out. I don't know how I feel about women now.

Beforehand, I never was attracted to girls as much as I was guys. I would never search for them on porn sites, imagined them in my sexual fantasies, or wanted to spend the rest of my life with one. I had had a couple of girlfriends when I was younger, but I only did that because of what society had taught me. I didn't even have my first kiss with a girl until my sophmore year in high school, and I was almost completely fine with that.

I had never been sexually aroused by women. The thought of a naked women usually always gave me the shivers. Now, I was exposed to porn at a very young age, so I don't know if that could have done something to my sexual development or what, but I do remember paying a lot more attention to the men in the porn than the women. I was even brought into my first sexual experience at a very young age as well, but I had no idea what I was doing; I just knew I liked it. It was with another young boy around the same age as me. I must have been 6 when we slept in the same bed and he had started touching me and I touched him back and things started going on their own. He was two years older than me, so he probably new more of what was going on than I did. Could that have messed with my sexual development?

I had never had an experience like that with a girl, and just like the kiss, I was completely ok with that. The closest I had ever gotten to a sexual experience with a girl was my first girlfriend back in 6th grade, back when I was ten and I couldn't care less about girls. But I certainly paid guys some attention! Mr and my gf at the time would have pretty much phone sex asking what ifs and what would you do's. Which would then lead on to us hanging up and me going into the shower to go "relieve myself" while thinking about guys.

So with all these experiences and thoughts, you would think It's pretty clear cut that I'm gay, but what about now? Now when I see a pretty girl, I acknowledge she's pretty, look at her ass, and move on. I talk to a lot of pretty girls, flirt a bit, and I get some kind of feeling... But I just can't decipher what this feeling is. I still am disgusted by a naked female, so what is this that I'm feeling? Is it loneliness? Why is it that I feel the need to flirt with girls sometimes and kiss them, when I generally only feel this towards men?

Does this mean I'm bisexual? I don't know, I guess that depends on your meaning behind each sexuality. I personally feel as though sexuality depicts on sexual feelings and love. If you can fall in love with the same sex or opposite sex or both and are physically attracted, you are clear cut gay, straight or bi. So where does that leave me?

There was this theory I heard of where no one is 100% one-sided when it comes to sexuality. That's when the influences started pushing on me that I was gay and somewhere in that spectrum of "in-between". And then I had read Ricky Martin's book where he explains how he could be attracted by a woman, but he could never be with a woman for the rest of his life and I compared that to myself and ran with it. Lastly, I found the depfox family on YouTube and thought, if I was gay, that could be my future and had it set in stone that I was gay.

But is that really who I am? What if those early sexual experiences and exposals had fooled me? What if it had messed me up? I won't even be able to experiment with women now that I am out as a gay man and the fear of taking that back stunts me from exploring a true answer.

This fear will plague me until I move away, which who know when that will be. The fear of coming out again. The fear of saying I was wrong. The fear of looki g stupid because it took me so long to figure out who I am. A fear I can not bare to withstand.

So I am plagued with the question of who am I. Always wondering if I am who people think I am or if I'm somebody else. Always wondering when I will find out or what will be the final journey to give me the answer. Always wondering when I will be able to be confident in who I am and not have to worry about this anymore.

Who had done this to me? My parents? God? My past? Society? Me? Maybe, but I'll find the answer. I just gotta wait out to an opportunity to take another path to another journey. Society got me here, and I let it. Thanks for listening guys, have a great night!

~Be Breezy!~

Crushes

Crushes. We all have them. I remember being a little kid in elementary school and everyone gave out little notes to their crushes and would hold hands. Friends would converse about who they were crushing on and so on.

I always hated getting crushes. I am a very loving and heartft person and I fall hard sometimes so it never really leaves me feeling good. I always felt I experienced the true mean of crushing. In elementary school I crushed on three girls, shockingly, but nothing serious. It was more forced upon if anything, but all they ended up being was crushes and left me feeling crushed. They all knew, of course that's how it works when you're young, and none of them reciprocated my feelings so I was left crushless.

The next time I really crushed on another peer was in my freshman year. I was just figuring out that I was gay, and at the time I was out to very little of my friends and hardly myself, but as a bisexual. In my first semester I crushed in this straight cub in my last block class. Like I said, I crush hard so I thought about this kid night and day and all through the day. I would day dream about how the perfect relationship between the two of us would be like and the amazing times we would have.

I usually have this experience with all of the guys I crush on. I gas it up in my head and fill my head up with all these fantasies getting myself more attached even though I know it isn't going to happen. Then, of course, leads to my soft-hearted ass left hurt. It never manages to fail. But I can't help it, never being in a real loving relationship, I can't help but fantasize about it.

And that's why I hate having a crush on a guy. It ALWAYS turns out to be on some guy I can't be with because of some circumstance. The guy I crushed on freshman year, both of them, both straight. Crushed on one of my closest friends my sophomore year, straight and a good friend. And lastly, which I always seem to get, crushes on teachers.

I have two teachers this semester who just so happen to really fit the "bear" persona and I can't help it as a gay cub to be attracted to it. My chemistry teacher is short, white, short brown hair, brown beard, really cute blue eyes, and a big belly. I have the biggest crush on him just because of his bear persona! It also doesn't help that he's funny and kind too. I can't help but watch his small little round body girate across the classroom and hope for the occasion where he wears a small shirt and lifts up his arms and I can sneak a peak at his belly.

Another teacher is my photography teacher. He's a cute young cub with a big belly, short dirty blonde beard and hair, nice green eyes, short stocky stature, and a soft voice. Sadly, he doesn't wear shirts that are never tucked in so I doubt I'll get to sneak a peak at his belly or his back.

But with all these crushes comes the unrealistic fantasies that will never happen and only leave me feeling lonely. And with that, it makes it a little awkward to be around them because they don't see me in the same view and I can only focus on their cuteness. Which is why I hate crushes. They only remind me of how lonely I am and how I yearn for affection.

That's all for tonight, thanks for reading. Hope everyone enjoyed their day without a big struggle from society.
~Be Breezy!~