Feeling defeated...

This is gonna be another internal post. Probably not too long because I don't really know what everything is until I get it all out. I hate expressing myself generally because it feels like complaining. There are so many people out in the world that are doing better than me. I have a pool, a big house, air hockey, my own room, a piano, a smart phone, etc., and I have the nerve to complain? But that's also why I started this blog. To get my feelings out there instead of always bottling everything inside and creating more destruction in my mind and hopefully not, my heart. So onwards!

These types of mornings pass me by every once in a while. Those mornings of just defeat. Where you feel like nothing has been going right or anything you want to happen is happening. Then you look for things that have gone wrong and let them weigh on you. It might be just me, I doubt it though. I feel a little spoiled when thinking about it actually. Throwing a tantrum because I'm not getting my way. But what's causing this defeat?

I couldn't sleep last night because I was so tired and sore that I kept twisting and turning. Then on top of that, I kept craving cashews. So no sleep. Then I bought my mother flowers last night. Just to tell her I loved her. What happens? She isn't coming home today. So now the flowers might not look as good by the time she sees them. Next, my mom gives us a coupon for the China buffet and I wanna go out to eat. The bros can't/ font feel like going. Everytime I try to make plans, they never work out because of that, but when everybody else wants to make plans, I'ma dick or It's my fault if I don't follow through. Same with six flags, I'm the only one tryna make these plans telling everyone to take off and they got a billion and one things. Next, there's nothing for breakfast. I planned on eating a steak sandwich, but there was only enough bread to make one.

With all that stuff going on, the only thing that comes to mind is, nothing is going right. Along with the terrible morning, I'm reminded that it is pride weekend and I can't go. I have to stay home and work... Closeted. I can't wear my rainbow bandana or suspenders or even buy ne a new pair. All over Instagram people are celebrating who they are and I can't. If nothing could go right this morning, why couldn't I at least be able to go to that?

It's also P-town this weekend. And all I'm gonna see is the big bear gatherings on instagram. How I missed out on all the insta meet and greets. How I don't get to party and drink. How I missed out on creating a bromance or brocubs or even a husbear.

On top of that, I'm reminded that I'm single. That I'm lonely. My bros have their girlfriends this weekend. They can kiss and act all lovely dovey and text all day while I sit in lonely despair. I have no cuddle buddy this weekend or anybody to share my happiness in the end of doma. Everyone else has got plans except me. Everyone's got somebody... Except me.

So now I get to eat my breakfast all alone, while watching digimon and get ready for another shift at work when I could be preparing for pride or even a good dinner tonight. Sorry for the story of defeat this morning everyone. I hope at least you're having a good weekend. Thanks for reading. Happy pride everyone!

~Be Breezy~

Cub Vs. Religion

Ok, so this is a hard thing to challenge. I'm going to piss some people off, but hey, this is my blog right?! Why is religion so hard to challenge? Because it is something that cannot be proven. Religion is something that is solely internal. Nothing is based off of fact. This is especially challenging for me because of this. I am one of those people where I need to see it to believe it. Sometimes... It was one thing as a kid and believing in stuff, but I grew out of that. But something that just popped into my head contradicted that statement.

When I was a kid, I remember watching The Santa Clause with Tim Allen. In this movie, Charlie says something to him that just struck me: "Have you ever seen a million bucks? Tim: "No." Charlie: "Just because you haven't seen it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist!" Which brings me back to my initial point of, it just can't be proven.

Another thing that makes this hard to challenge is the comprehension. The bible/Torah etc. Are all so hard to understand! You may understand it in one way, and it turns out to mean something completely different! Someone just posted on my instagram about how in the bible it says Leviticus 20:6 A man shall not lie with another man or he shall be stoned. That could be comprehended to mean gays must be high! I joke, but I'm also serious. People take things into different perspectives. Which is religion is a topic best to be left alone.

My problem with religion? Personally, me and religion never got along. It always seemed to keep people in fear and stop them from doing or thinking things they would normally do/think. I have friends for example who are very religious. They would not marry someone outside of their religion. Now, I an in no way saying there is anything wrong with that, but to me it seems utterly ridiculous! Just because she/he doesn't believe in your God she is somehow not worthy of your love? If there was no such thing as religion, then she would have an equal opportunity! Also, one of these friends said he felt bad about the sexual thoughts he had been having towards girls. Because (now I don't know the true line, but I'm paraphrasing) he shall not be lead by temptation. That's fucking ridiculous! Everyone has sexual thoughts! To deny those thoughts because someone who may or may not be real said that isn't right?! That sounds like your being more of a follower.

Which brings me to my next problem with religion. I am no follower. So I refuse to live my life according to some "higher being" and he may not be right or real. Who is he/she to tell me that I can't have sex before marriage? Who is he/she to tell me that I may not lie with another man?! I am my own person and I lead my life. I do not follow anyone. ESPECIALLY if he/she has no proof of it being wrong or anyone has any proof of this person being real.

So these problems I have with religion already put me on a bias about it. But even without those biases, it still has no place to be brought into a political argument. Why? Because it can NOT be proven. When people bring up God in a debate about homosexuality and say that he said that it is a sin, I want to burst out into a rant! Much like this... Because, how do you know he said that? Oh, because some man INSPIRED by this man wrote it down? Over 5 or so milleniums ago when there was no real written language and it was converted into a bunch of different languages where they don't necessarily have the same meaning? Oh... Ok. That makes perfect sense.

Fuck that! I am supposed to lead by that?! Not even by a man who MET this "God" and heard him preach that being gay was a sin?! And even if he heard this "God" preach that, who's to say he was right?! But for the sake of argument, let's say this happened. Who's to say that that's what he really said?! The written word has been changed so many times through language conversion and word of mouth that it could've said anything! And it was so long ago, how do you know if he really meant homosexuality in the general sense it means today?! It could have meant something completely different! It was so long ago, homosexuality probably wasn't even thought of, never mind it being thought of as being a problem! And the fact that people would still rather follow that than go for what America truelly stands for completely astounds me.

And that's what truelly eats at me and stops me from really liking religion. Because people are so quick to believe some dusty old book of stories rather than believe what's right in front of them: LOVE. Some people will quickly forget that we stand for a country of EQUAL opportunities. My main rights are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Not life under God, liberty if God said it was ok, and God's view of happiness. Why stop me from my GOD GIVEN rights as a human being because of something that cannot be proven? But I bet you I can prove that man kneeling down on one knee proposing to the man in front of him, loves him. I bet you I can prove that lesbian couple promising to stay together in sickness and in health, truelly love each other. You know what's great proof of that? The fight. The fight we have endured. We have lost countless family members, friends, work opportunities, etc. All because we were fighting for the right to love. If this was just a phase, why keep fighting? You can't prove to me that he didn't intend for us to win these fights. Because as you guys love to say, "God doesn't make mistakes."

Thanks for listening everyone. I hope I didn't piss off anyone too bad. My only goal was to open people's eyes, but by all means, fight me on it. But unless your God comes down to my face and proves he's real, your wrong. Until then, we'll keep winning battles of love. And if there really is a God, you know how I know he is ok with this? Because of our victory just the other day with marriage equality in California and the destruction of DOMA. There's your proof.