All Things Happen For A Reason.

Hello everyone. Long time no talk. It has been a supremely long time since the last time I have posted and I do apologize for that. Frankly, I have been pretty scared to write. I have been feeling like I can't get my ideas out and when I can, my writing style just isn't what it used to be. It scared me to think that my writing had taken a turn for the worst, but then I came to this realization: this started as something for me.

This blog was created to help me get my ideas out. To allow me to look back and see how far I have come. In addition to that purpose, I have the ability to help others through shared ideas and sharing stories, but the main idea was for me to be able to see my problems and life laid out. I figured getting all my thoughts down in one concrete place allowed me to see it for what it truly was and evaluate it. And now, I get to look back on it.

It has been an amazing journey to look back on. In my time, I did a lot of complaining, crying, and ranting. I think back to when I started this blog as a 15 (turning 16) year old who was petrified of coming out to his parents, but was completely comfortable with himself. Maybe completely is a little advanced, but I think I was a bit ahead of the game for my age. I was out in high school, all my coworkers new, and frankly so did a couple of customers. I was thinking about moving away and being completely out and not in fear. Not worrying about anything getting back to my parents, etc. Just wishing for love to come my way.

Now, I'm 20, turning 21 in a couple of months. I live alone (more or less), am completely out of the closet, have had two relationships, about to get my bachelor's degree, and head off to grad school. Lately, this has all been incredibly surreal. To be this accomplished and this far ahead at my age! To know next year I will be moving into a bigger city, like I had wished for ages, to finish up my college career and start my big boy life. It makes looking back at my old self and old posts seem that much more significant to me.

Earlier today, this guy (my age) was messaging me on scruff. Being that he had no face in his profile, I assumed that he was not out if the closet. Most people don't respond to faceless profiles, but there is something about them that makes me want to. I guess it is the fact that I know that it means that they are not out of the closet and they might just be looking for someone go relate to them. Or just someone to talk or hang with. 7 times out ten they are just looking to hook up, but I always keep my eye open for that 30%. This guy happened to be part of that 30%.

As we were talking I he confirmed my suspicions that he had not been out of the closet and if he goes go East Stroudsburg University,  etc. In the midst of our conversation, we were talking about why he had not come out of the closet, yet. This young Hispanic man had the similar fears as I and many other gay people out there scared of coming out. My parents are religious. My parents will kick me out. My family will disown me. My friends won't like me anymore. Etc. Of course I talked him down, but this really hit home to me in this moment. It had really made me think. . .

I was explaining to him my coming out. Both of them. To my friends and to my family. Friends supported me and parents put me through hell. Forced me into moving out. Made me into the man I am today. The thing that really struck me was when I told him I had been outed. My aunt outed me while I was on the other side of the island. From there, my mother forced me to tell my dad. I told him, if I had it my own way, I would not have come out to them that soon. If my aunt had not have outed me, where would I be?

As furious as I was with my aunt, I guess I had never really thought about it that way. In some regard, she did me a favor. She ripped off the bandaid for me. I had went through about 5 months of hell on a day to day basis, but the scariest part was over. I knew what my parents were going to do and how they felt. There was no more ambiguity. No fear of the unknown. The most my parents could do was stop me from going out and lecture me all of the time. I feared my dad would kill me. Literally kill me. At that point, that fear was gone. It didn't make my life that much easier, but I knew what to expect! I began to mentally adapt myself for each lecture, but that was the most they were going to do.

If my aunt had not outed me, I couldn't say that I would have had the same amount of fun or have been as successful. I had a plan that I would not come out to them until I was done with school. Therefore, I wouldn't have any living expenses and I could just save all of my money. I would have never moved out, I probably would have been pledged a fraternity, I would probably have bought a brand new car like my brothers, I would not have lasted as long as I did with my ex, and I would have never dated my second ex. Without that experience, I would have never developed my interest in HIV. I may not have picked clinical psychology as my path for the future. I definitely would not be working at Rainbow Mountain, I would have stayed at Giant. I never would have met all if the people I have up to this point. I would have never met this guy that means the world to me right now. I wouldn't be as close to my friends. I wouldn't know how to cook as much. Or budget. I would not have my place.

I would probably still be that lonely kid who watched bear movies and gay storylines on YouTube. I would most likely be that guy attached to his Instagram, following all of the other gay guys and living vicariously through them. I would still be alone. I would still feel alone. I would still want to leave home. I would still live every day of my life in fear of the unknown. I would still live my life getting aggravated because I just want to be me, but I'm scared that my parents wouldn't like me anymore. I am so thankful that that is not the case.

Coming out is something that is unique to each person. There is no rush to it. It is not a race. A person should come out when it is most convenient to them and when they aren't in any danger. And when they do, no matter how it happens, I promise the weight that is lofted off of your shoulders is astronomical. Sometimes I still can't believe it. I never would have imagined that my life would be like this. I never worked at a gay resort. Shit, I had never even been to one! Not to mention a gay, nudist campground!

In closing, everything happens for a reason. It may not work out the way we had hoped it would from the start, but I promise you it will all work out. Just live your life in a "good vibes only" manner and I promise you the good times will follow right after.

~Be Breezy!~

All Things Happen For A Reason.

Hello everyone. Long time no talk. It has been a supremely long time since the last time I have posted and I do apologize for that. Frankly, I have been pretty scared to write. I have been feeling like I can't get my ideas out and when I can, my writing style just isn't what it used to be. It scared me to think that my writing had taken a turn for the worst, but then I came to this realization: this started as something for me.

This blog was created to help me get my ideas out. To allow me to look back and see how far I have come. In addition to that purpose, I have the ability to help others through shared ideas and sharing stories, but the main idea was for me to be able to see my problems and life laid out. I figured getting all my thoughts down in one concrete place allowed me to see it for what it truly was and evaluate it. And now, I get to look back on it.

It has been an amazing journey to look back on. In my time, I did a lot of complaining, crying, and ranting. I think back to when I started this blog as a 15 (turning 16) year old who was petrified of coming out to his parents, but was completely comfortable with himself. Maybe completely is a little advanced, but I think I was a bit ahead of the game for my age. I was out in high school, all my coworkers new, and frankly so did a couple of customers. I was thinking about moving away and being completely out and not in fear. Not worrying about anything getting back to my parents, etc. Just wishing for love to come my way.

Now, I'm 20, turning 21 in a couple of months. I live alone (more or less), am completely out of the closet, have had two relationships, about to get my bachelor's degree, and head off to grad school. Lately, this has all been incredibly surreal. To be this accomplished and this far ahead at my age! To know next year I will be moving into a bigger city, like I had wished for ages, to finish up my college career and start my big boy life. It makes looking back at my old self and old posts seem that much more significant to me.

Earlier today, this guy (my age) was messaging me on scruff. Being that he had no face in his profile, I assumed that he was not out if the closet. Most people don't respond to faceless profiles, but there is something about them that makes me want to. I guess it is the fact that I know that it means that they are not out of the closet and they might just be looking for someone go relate to them. Or just someone to talk or hang with. 7 times out ten they are just looking to hook up, but I always keep my eye open for that 30%. This guy happened to be part of that 30%.

As we were talking I he confirmed my suspicions that he had not been out of the closet and if he goes go East Stroudsburg University,  etc. In the midst of our conversation, we were talking about why he had not come out of the closet, yet. This young Hispanic man had the similar fears as I and many other gay people out there scared of coming out. My parents are religious. My parents will kick me out. My family will disown me. My friends won't like me anymore. Etc. Of course I talked him down, but this really hit home to me in this moment. It had really made me think. . .

I was explaining to him my coming out. Both of them. To my friends and to my family. Friends supported me and parents put me through hell. Forced me into moving out. Made me into the man I am today. The thing that really struck me was when I told him I had been outed. My aunt outed me while I was on the other side of the island. From there, my mother forced me to tell my dad. I told him, if I had it my own way, I would not have come out to them that soon. If my aunt had not have outed me, where would I be?

As furious as I was with my aunt, I guess I had never really thought about it that way. In some regard, she did me a favor. She ripped off the bandaid for me. I had went through about 5 months of hell on a day to day basis, but the scariest part was over. I knew what my parents were going to do and how they felt. There was no more ambiguity. No fear of the unknown. The most my parents could do was stop me from going out and lecture me all of the time. I feared my dad would kill me. Literally kill me. At that point, that fear was gone. It didn't make my life that much easier, but I knew what to expect! I began to mentally adapt myself for each lecture, but that was the most they were going to do.

If my aunt had not outed me, I couldn't say that I would have had the same amount of fun or have been as successful. I had a plan that I would not come out to them until I was done with school. Therefore, I wouldn't have any living expenses and I could just save all of my money. I would have never moved out, I probably would have been pledged a fraternity, I would probably have bought a brand new car like my brothers, I would not have lasted as long as I did with my ex, and I would have never dated my second ex. Without that experience, I would have never developed my interest in HIV. I may not have picked clinical psychology as my path for the future. I definitely would not be working at Rainbow Mountain, I would have stayed at Giant. I never would have met all if the people I have up to this point. I would have never met this guy that means the world to me right now. I wouldn't be as close to my friends. I wouldn't know how to cook as much. Or budget. I would not have my place.

I would probably still be that lonely kid who watched bear movies and gay storylines on YouTube. I would most likely be that guy attached to his Instagram, following all of the other gay guys and living vicariously through them. I would still be alone. I would still feel alone. I would still want to leave home. I would still live every day of my life in fear of the unknown. I would still live my life getting aggravated because I just want to be me, but I'm scared that my parents wouldn't like me anymore. I am so thankful that that is not the case.

Coming out is something that is unique to each person. There is no rush to it. It is not a race. A person should come out when it is most convenient to them and when they aren't in any danger. And when they do, no matter how it happens, I promise the weight that is lofted off of your shoulders is astronomical. Sometimes I still can't believe it. I never would have imagined that my life would be like this. I never worked at a gay resort. Shit, I had never even been to one! Not to mention a gay, nudist campground!

In closing, everything happens for a reason. It may not work out the way we had hoped it would from the start, but I promise you it will all work out. Just live your life in a "good vibes only" manner and I promise you the good times will follow right after.

~Be Breezy!~

Love Not Lust?

Okay, so this whole morning, I have been indulging myself in videos and other blogs based on open relationships. (Okay, maybe some porn surfing on tumblr, too) This idea has been floating around in my head ever since I broke up with my first boyfriend, I believe. I don't even think I was fully aware of it up until that point, which shocks me because I've seen the BearCity movies about a hundred times and it features open relationships and polyamorous relationships. For the sake of my own sanity and for not offending anyone, I think I am going to split my post on this. Originally, I thought this post was going to include the ideals of monogamy, open relationships, and polyamory, but somehow it just does not feel right anymore. I guess down this path of unwinding thoughts and bottled up feelings, I will figure out my answer. Sit up straight class, and pay attention! Professor Parsley's class is in session. (I can't wait for that to be a reality!)

Ever since I have broken up with my first boyfriend, I feel like my world has expanded three times over. This baffles me. I used to think I was extremely well versed and I guess understood the workings of most things, when in fact I remained ignorant. I knew of a lot of things, but I never really knew to what extent they functioned or even how they functioned or even moreso, what they actually mean.

In my research, online and in person, I've learned that quite a few people indulge in open relationships. This passed summer, I started working at a gay resort called Rainbow Mountain, and this was the best experience I've ever had. Granted, there were definitely some times that made me want to blow the place up, but overall a good experience and I couldn't imagine where my head would be if I hadn't started working there. I don't think I would be as developed or far along as I would have been if I hadn't worked there. I say that because this was the first time I have ever been fully surrounded by other gay people on a constant basis and it had definitely taught me things. It was also a huge confidence booster, but mainly taught me things.

I think in my time there, I have seen more open relationships than I have seen closed. I was constantly being introduced to couples, obviously more couples than singles, and I would come to the realization that they were open due to their tendencies inside and out of the main building where I checked them in. For every one closed relationship I met, I probably met three or four open relationships. Even now, this still astounds me. I think what I question most of all, is why that still astounds me and what does this mean for me.

Obviously, the main reason as to why it astounds me is because I was raised with a different ideal, as I'm sure everyone else was, too. However, it goes beyond that for me. When I was first coming to accept my homosexuality, I would watch gay weddings, marriage proposals, and a channel called Gay Family Values where I would watch a family with two fathers raise their children and tackle topics of everyday life. In all of these videos, nothing led me to believe that anything else was possible, which was very ignorant and naive of me to think. In those videos, I think I pushed myself to see myself in those representations of gay people. Marrying one man, having kids, a pup(dog), and living happily ever after. In those videos, I never saw anything else possible, which at the time, I was okay with. I think I knew, for the most part, that ultimately this was what I wanted.

In those videos, the idea of open relationships were never brought up. In that same instance, looking back I think they were almost frowned upon. But now, it makes me wonder if that were entirely true. All of those videos focused on being "proper" gays and setting a representation for gay people and standing up for rights. They were always talking about what we all ultimately wanted and that was equality and the ability to love without fear. That being said, why would I believe that they were in open relationships or that they could even exist?

Now I know that that isn't entirely true. Not all gay people want the same thing. Just as straight people don't. Not every women wants to get married and have kids. Some people are perfectly content with being single, or having a relationship and a puppy. Point is, we are all different and we all have different levels of satisfaction. And that is okay.

As for why it still may astound me? I don't exactly know. I think because I still hold onto those ideals from when I was younger. Part of me has more hope to see a relationship that stands strong in monogamy. Not to mean that other couples that are open aren't strong, but to stand out amongst the crowd in my belief makes you strong. When I see these cute couples, even though part of me wants to play with them, the other part wants to just hang with them and watch their love grow together. I think I saw that for the first time a couple of weeks ago.

On New Years Eve, there was a big Rainbow Mountain dinner. The restaurant was insane. The front desk (where I work) was even crazier. Aside from all the madness, there was an older couple who checked in and we're SUPER nice; their clothes even matched! After they sat for dinner, the one gentleman walks out of the restaurant in such distress and turns to me for conversation. In the midst of me being busy, I caught his distress and attempted to comfort him. He tells me that he is ready to propose to his boyfriend. At this moment, every bit of stress left me and I just gave him a big teary eyed hug. At this moment, not only was I happy for this man and his boyfriend, but I developed such a hope that that could be me one day. Proposing to one man and us tackling life together. And only together. Like I said, after all of the open relationships I had seen, this shocked me.

What does this mean for me? It may complicate things in a sense. Or it might simplify them. This means clarifying what exactly I want to do in a relationship. It means that I may have to be prepared to have that conversation someday. In some ways, this is good. Having an open relationship does open the door to further conversations. I believe that the only way for open relationships, among all other ones, only prosper due to healthy conversations. I would hope that a lot more of these couples have a healthy channel of communication. One that does not seem healthy is the "don't ask don't tell" method.

I could never see that format working for me. I would want to know who my partner is playing with and that he's being safe about it. I know two couples that follow this method, and it astounds me that they're still together. One seems to bash his partner for being "prudish" so he won't tell him things. In the other, one partner had contracted HIV, didn't tell his partner (or possibly didn't know) had sex with his partner, and he contracted it. The partner whom I knew (whom contracted it second) believed he contracted it from his husband. Again, absolutely astounds me.

I would never like to be in a relationship like these. Granted, they are still together and they work, but I would want to be open with my partner. If he didn't want to do it or I didn't, I would expect the other to accept that and not bash the other. If we were open, I would expect us to lay down ground rules and be open about what's happened. That's what this would mean for me.

Being in a relationship is difficult sometimes. I could never describe it as work. It is more of an art that you must provide constant attention to and practice. Being in an open relationship could be even more difficult because more conversations and adjustments must be had. For me, I don't know if I could be in an open relationship. It takes the right guy I guess.

Stop Lying.

I want to stop lying. To you. And you. And you. And especially to you. How long can I keep this up? I'm not doing anyone any favors. I want to stop lying. I hope I can. I think I'll start tonight, even though I kind of started two days ago. I'm petrified. I feel like these lies have gotten me this far, and taking them back might mean something bad. And I don't know how much more bad I can really take. Let me keep this short and to the point.

I'll start with you. I'm sorry I lied to you. We've gone through a lot. Adventures that people our ages couldn't imagine doing and people twice our age dreamt they could do. We were in love. We laughed. We fought. We yelled. We screamed. We kissed good night. We gave stuff up for each other. We fell apart. We're not friends.

For a while I had doubted our relationship. And for a while I had lied to you. I cheated on you. I can't even say just once. I did it multiple times. I did it because I knew we wouldn't have sex and it infuriated me. You either pushed me away or I had to thoroughly chase you and I never got chased back and I was fed up. I didn't even feel bad after a while. It just became something I felt I had to do.

The other night, I told you I didn't care about you. I didn't lie, but I was crude. I told you I didn't care about you, I took advantage of you, I manipulated you, and I didn't care. I knew I could get what I wanted out of you, so I did. I didn't even feel remorse for it. It was fucking with you, and I knew it. I knew it and I did it anyways.

To you, I'm sorry.

I want to stop lying to you, too.

I met you about two years ago. We met on grindr. We talked for a long time. Even talked over the phone. You were in a horrible spot. Hated your job, you were living with your ex and you could never have people over, etc. We tried to hook up multiple times, and we just never made it happen. Fast forward two years.

We reconnected after my break up. Finally. Somehow, I was hoping I'd run into you. We chatted for maybe 10 minutes. Very brief. I invited myself over and we connected very quickly. Very easily. I fell for you. Very easily and very quickly. I kept trying to tell myself not to fall so hard because I didn't think you'd like me back, but I did.

I'm sorry I told you I didn't think we should date. Every day I kick myself because of it.  Every day I wonder where would I have been if I had actually dated you. I thought we vibed very well together. I thought I saw a couple flaws between us and I let them scare me away, but I wish I hadn't. I don't think I'm in love with you because I've distanced myself enough to not get there, but I always get these deep feelings brought back whenever I think about you.

I lied to you. Maybe not directly, but by not speaking up. I should have told you how I felt. Told you the type of feelings I had developing for you. I should have told you how angry it made me when I felt like I was the only one making plans with you. I should have told you how angry it made me because it felt like you could never make time for me or how I never felt special because of it. What pushed me away was your inability to make me feel special and wanted. Maybe not wanted, but needed. I really like you. Immensely, but I'm scared to tell you because I feel like it won't be reciprocated or maybe I've missed my shot.

For that, I'm sorry.

I want to stop lying to you.

You are such a special person. Such a rare person. So strong willed. Strong minded. Strong in general. You always keep kicking. There have been tons of forces that would have told many to give up and turn off the light, but not you. You have this light, this fire that burns. Burns bright. And no matter how dim it gets, you always turn it back on somehow. You're funny, you're witty, you're smart, and you are going to go far. But maybe not with me.

I've lied to you. For a while now. Longer than I thought I had. Sometimes not intentionally. It sucks because I really like you and we have such a great time together, but it's pretty clear that we're not meant to be.

The other day, you told me you were falling for me. I've been almost dreading the moment that you were going to say that. I've been dreading it because I don't feel the same way, and I don't think I ever will. From the moment we met, you'd been talking about me in this special light. A light that is clearly different from the light I see you in. You say things like, "You've known all along" or "From the moment I saw you". Meanwhile I say things like, "I love when you" and "you, too".

I don't see you in that light. Part of that I blame on myself for not listening to you. For a while you had been telling me that we can't say certain things to each other because it will feel more like we are friends more so than we are boyfriends, and you were right. I feel like we work better as friends than we do as boyfriends. We make fun of each other, call each other hunty, etc. And it has somehow pushed you into the friend zone with me.

If I'm being totally honest, the lies don't stop there. I haven't enjoyed our sex life, or lack there of. I know we'd been easing our way into things, but I hadn't been having a lot of fun along the way and I lied to you when we finally accomplished something and I said I enjoyed it. To be honest, I couldn't enjoy myself because my focus was elsewhere and I couldn't keep going.

As shallow as it sounds, sex is a big part of my life, and I enjoy it. I want to enjoy having sex with the person I like and eventually love, but whatever we were doing wasn't it. And then we don't vibe well sexually. As much as we vibe well everywhere else, I never felt as though we could make it happen sexually. This pushed me to cheat. Sex already wasn't readily available to me and I didn't necessarily enjoy it when it was, so I sought it elsewhere. I wish I could say I only did it once, but I didn't. I wish I could say that I wish I could be the one for you, but I can't, and I shouldn't waste any more of your time.

For that, I'm sorry.

Lastly, I want to stop lying to you. You are the most important person in my life. You are my absolute favorite person. Of all the people I should be honest with, you should be at the top of the list. At the beginning of the year, I told you I would stay true to you. Listen to your heart and follow everything that would make you happy. Good Vibes and good times. But I went back on that.

I'm not proud of myself. I'm not proud of you, whoever you are. Because of what I've done, you are not who I necessarily wanted you to be. For two months, I lied to you and drove you into this rut. This rut filled of fear, anxiety, solitude, hunger, etc. From that, I let you get talked into bad jobs, things you weren't ready for, and scary situations. I let you have a panic attack. Even passed that, I made you go back and have another one. I made you pull over to the side of the road and cry to your friend at 7 in the morning. I made you beat yourself up day in and day out for an hour until you got to your destination and then for12 more hours.

Now I've got you trapped between three guys. One whom you want almost nothing to do with. One you wish you could be the one for. And one you truly want to be with, but don't feel like could be with you. I feel like I don't even know what to tell you. I feel like I don't even know where to tell you to go next or what to do next.

For that, I'm sorry.

I want to do better. I want to start telling the truth. To you. And you. And you. And especially you. I hope I can somehow make you proud of me again.

How to Get Away With Murder

Hey guys, since my last few posts have been a little negative, I thought I'd write about something positive. I don't want to project that I'm a negative person because in reality, I'm the exact opposite. I'm a positive person who sees the negative, however, projects as much positivity as I can. I heard a quote once that said, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." There's enough negativity in this world to kill half of it, so without further build up. . . Today's topic!

About a month ago, me and my boyfriend were searching through netflix. Every night we get home from work and we'll be looking for something to watch because let's face it, TV just isn't what it used to be. All that is ever on these days are shitty remakes of classic shows, shitty reality TV shows, and the shit that no one wants to watch. Of course there are some good shows in contrast to those, but you only ever catch them if you stay home all day or its one of those once a week type shows.

So we were scrolling through trying to do d something to watch, and we came across this show called How To Get Away With Murder. The show came up in Kyle's top picks or most recommended,  but honestly we don't pay much attention to that section because 12 other people use his netflix. (Sorry Netflix) However, we had both came across this previously in passing and decided to give it a shot; it was another series to get into and it starred the wonderful and fabulous Viola Davis.

Mrs. - miss? I don't know if she's married or not... she should be, she's fucking Viola Davis! - Viola Davis has been a huge star for both of us in everything she's played, especially for me. She played one of the main characters in the movie The Help, which was an incredible story about what it was like during the Civil rights movement of black people's rights. I loved her ever since that film because she had been a huge advocate for black people and a wide inspiration to many.

In this show, Davis plays the hard ass professor of a law class in what I believe to be in the graduate school level. On top of that, she is also an active defense attorney in the courtroom whom does not lose cases. From the very beginning she takes on five students she names the "Keating Five" ( because her name in the show is Annalise Keating) that she essentially interns them and takes them into the courtroom with her and they are to help her solve and fight her cases. They are taken under her wing with her two associates and must continue their struggle in hiding and uncovering more about their dirty, little secret.

Right off the bat, you can tell that this show is a crime - drama. It includes the law and the fighting in the courtroom, however it is so much more. If you wanted to see law fighting and excruciating cases, you could just watch Law and Order or NCIS, or something, but I brought you to this show! Why? Because once you are engaged, you are hooked and there is so much more that you need to know before you can just jump ship. You need to know how she does it. How does she somehow manage to get these people who admit murders to her, off? You need to know how she plans to hide their dirty little secret. You need to know why she cares so much for these students. You need to know why more and more shit keeps happening to her. You need to know, what happens to the students in the very end.

Like in every show, at least in every good one, you get attached to the characters. In all honesty, that's what creates a great movie in my book! My ability to connect with the characters is crucial to me enjoying most things. I guess that is the psych major and sociology minor in me speaking. I just love people and I love getting to know more and more about them. Why did I feel so connected to Harry Potter? Because I literally grew up with him. When he cried, I cried. Harry was like a good friend to me, I listened even when he thought no one else did. I was there fighting with him in every book, in every movie, and just like his parents, I never left his side. Same goes for divergent. I felt like I grew up with Tris Prior. I've only read up to Insurgent, but I've known her since she was 16 and finding out in herself that she didn't belong in abnegation. Her panic in understanding in what it was to be different and having to hide it and fall in line to secure your safety?  I couldn't understand more. Harry and Tris are both important people to me because I was able to connect with them. To me that is key. In that case, How to Get Away With Murder has got me.

I am so involved in these characters, it is unbelievable. I think it even helped to bring in a familiar face for me to, and I do remember it being one of the bigger pushes to me watching it as well. Alfred Enoch stars in HTGAWM (typing that out everytime was getting to be murder) as Wes Gibbons or amongst the "Keating Five" he was formally known as "wait list" because of his unprepared first day in class was do to him being just allowed in because he was wait listed. If you look at Alfred Enoch closely, or have watched Harry Potter as much as I have, you could tell that he is Dean Thomas from Harry Potter. Dean is a longtime friend between Harry, Ron, Seamus, and really the rest of Gryffindor house. In Order of the Pheonix, Dean Thomas is actually dating Ron Weasley ' s sister, Ginny Weasley. Already, I was hooked from there because it involved Mr. Mudblood Dean Thomas!

However, the character that has really got me clinging to my bed sheets - Sorry Dean -  is Jack Falahee's character Connor Walsh. Connor is the clever, smart guy in the room who also has that sexy appeal to him. It's funny how much he rivals another student in the Keating Five by using his sex appeal to get him what he wants. Now, if you guys know me really well, you guys will also know why he is my absolute favorite. He is more than just a pretty face with a brain. . . That's right readers, you've guessed it; he's gay. (Enter applause)

You don't know how proud I was to find out that he was gay. At the very beginning, you know he's a major character because of the dirty, little secret he's involved in, but you don't find out right off the bat that he's gay. If you've been following along for a while, and if I had posted the paper I wrote my freshman year of college on The Fosters, you'll know that I LOVE it when they don't make it obvious that a character is gay. I just find that in so many shows, four out of five, that the gay character has got to be the traditional stereotypical gay guy with the flamboyant voice and traditional gay attributes. It's insulting. Yes, there are guys with those attributes in the gay community, howevwr, that is not all we are made of! In my paper, I even address how Will from Will & Grace is even made out to be a "straight - acting" gay guy with feminine attributes and is even sought out to end up with Grace!  We are a community with as wide a range of personalities as any other community, and it's about mother fucking time they noticed it!

What made Connor so much more meaningful to me was the fact that he was actually even competent. More so, he and his life are both relevant! How many times do you get the gay character that can't stop focusing on himself enough to be fucking competent in anything that the rest of the cast is doing! In addition, how many times do we actually find a good representation of a gay guy and then he's only seen for fucking 5 minutes and then he's never seen again, and if he is, he's only there for only five more fucking minutes! We don't ever get to know him or what his real attributes are like; they just so happened to have leaked that he was gay, or they probably blurted it out just to say they had a gay character, and exempt him from the show and claim to the public that they are proud to include a gay character. Bull. Shit.

In HTGAWM, everything Connor does has an impact on the show, his life, and the Keating Five. I believe in either the first or the second episode, he reveals that he is gay by seducing a member of the jury or a client and it works in their favor, also shooting at the sexual appeals of his rival, Michaela. Can we just stop to talk about this for a moment! The fact that his rival is supposed to be fucking Aja Naomi King is fucking awesome! She's an incredible actress, she's fucking gorgeous, and she's a great advocate for a black woman. Usually in these kinds of shows, there are two girls battling between sex appeal and brains, but in this case, they brought a King and a Queen. ( Ba Dum Dum) In this show, both of them are great looking people with great brains.

Back to Connor, the show holds him at being a little promiscuous, but as I'm growing up, I'm learning that what young adult isn't? It's not like they are doing it because he's gay and that's a stereotype, most young adults are just a little over horny, trust me, I know what I'm talking about! Even his colleague, Asher, is the same way! It is just nice to see that for once there is a character that can represent for those of us in the community who are so widely underrepresented. The nice thing is, a tiny spoiler, he grows out of being the obnoxious, sex crazing guy he is and "gets comfy."

In addition to Connor, and this is just me being the horny, young adult I am, you get to see some really good looking guys! Good thing is, everyone in the show so far is actually very attractive, but this guy Charlie Weber has got me running to all my girlfriends! I must have told almost 100 people about this guy. Google even knows when I'm going to search him up and what picture I want. Naturally, I don't go for the skinny and in fit guys as much, however, the second I seen that guy, I was fully hooked onto the show. He's not as big a character as Connor or the rest of the Keating Five, but he does have a pretty major role.

This show is a fantastic show. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone under the age of 16, but it is absolutely incredible. I am the furthest thing from being included in the topic of law, and this show still appeals to me. I think what this show has really even done to me has made me make that final push to thinking that I want to be a professor. For the longest time, I've always thought about being a twacher, but I could never find the age group that I liked enough to put up with it. On top of that, teaching jobs are hard to come by and there isn't anything within the couple subjects that schools teach that I would really want to teach to the extent I would want to. I have the patience to be a teacher and I think I have the personal skills for it as well. I think if I could be anything, I would want to be just like Annalise, just without the dirty little secrets everywhere.

I would love to teach my own class and then have my own little group of interns to work under me and I can get to know them all individually and I can build them up and set them off into the workplace, maybe even make my own office and have them work for me. I just love the idea of getting to be a role model just as she was. To have people look up to me and want to be me as people look up to Annalise and want to be like her. I would love to have that diverse group of interns that we all have something in common and individually we have even more in common and just becoming a good group altogether is amazing to me.

I have a research study that I take part in on campus that makes me feel almost how I would imagine Annalise makes the Keating Five feel. Everytime I am in the classroom with my professor and the other students, I feel special. Honorable. When she speaks about certain things, she keeps an extra eye out for us and we sneak glimpses at each other knowing that we're the special group she'll be talking about. Moreover, we've even got our own research lab! We've decorated it, brought in chairs and snacks and stuffs. I even go there in between classes as my time to get away. We've just gotten so comfortable in there and it has really given me that connected feeling to ESU that I always wanted in a college. In that form, is what I would want to give to kids in the future along with my own profession on the side.

How To Get Away With Murder is a must see. I have told everyone about this show because it is truly a show that needs to be known out there because of the underlying strengths that it carries. All of the first season is up on netflix and Hulu and the second season is playing on all the major news channels - excluding Fox and NBC - at 10 o'clock (I don't know what central, I guess 9?) on Thursdays. Please give this show a watch because that will make it continue to grow and we need more shows like this on TV that can actually benefit society.

That's it for today's post. I hope you guys had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. I enjoy writing about topics like this. They just flow so much better for me, especially since I've probably told this story almost 40 times. I hope to write again soon, and check out the show! Tell me what you think! I'd love to hear how everyone feels about it.  Or even just to say Hi! I have slowly been looking into more and more posts. I know these things are mostly internal, I love to hear from people, so I assume so do others.

Have a great weekend everyone!
~Be Breezy!~

Just Because We're Family.

Family. A loving bond between people that cannot be broken. Caring for someone so much that it hurts. Having their back no matter what it may take. Doing what's best for them in their best interest. Looking passed their flaws and loving them regardless. Sharing a blood relationship doesn't make you family, it makes you related.

Being that Mother's Day has come and gone and now the arrival of Father's Day awaits me next and soon the Fourth of July, I have put more thought into my feelings towards my parents and my aunt. Things have been a lot better now. I have moved out and I do my own thing for myself. I don't need to hear criticism from them about what I choose to do and not do. If I want to leave my room messy, fine. If I want to put off dishes for a day, I can do that, too. If I want to sleep with a man in my arms, I can do it with my conscience at peace.

It makes me wonder if my mother chooses not to criticize me in anything because of her fear that I may never talk to her again. Every so often (more like every couple of days) when I haven't talked to my mom or seen her, she texts me and asks me what's going on. I assume she's doing this because I'm her youngest and I still JUST moved out, but part of me thinks she's afraid she's done something to upset me as to where I don't want to talk to her. Ma, if you're ever reading this. . . No, you didn't upset me. If anything, I was literally preoccupied with doing something else and calling or texting wasn't the thing on my mind.

When Mother's day came, I sought it as a complete chore and something I found more than difficult to take part in. It always hard finding the perfect gift for the ones you love, but it is especially hard when you are mad at them. When this year's Mother's Day came, I was utterly infuriated at the thought that I had to get her something. Even more so when my father called me the day of! He calls me (and mind you, my dad NEVER calls me) and asks me if I called her and had a present for her. I couldn't be any more annoyed at that point.

But why was I so annoyed? Now that I have moved out, my relationship with my mom is basically back to normal. Why was I so angry you ask? It was because 1. I had to basically move out or change my life to fit their views for us to continue ANY kind of relationship with her and 2. She had put me through a living hell for 5 MONTHS. Excuse me if I do not have a right to be angry.

When mother's day had come, I didn't feel she deserved anything. She was lucky I was still even talking to her! Let's recap: She harassed and forced me to tell my father I was gay, she idly stood back and watch my dad tear me down every step of the way, she kept me confined in that house not able to do anything, and BLAMED me for anything and everything that went wrong from that point on. My aunt and her were fighting, that was my fault. My brother was acting out, that was my fault. Her job was annoying her, that was my fault. My dad's blood pressure was rising, still my fault!

Why should I have to get her a damn thing? She certainly won mother of the year award with those actions! Even when I tried to talk to her, it's like she hadn't even listened to me. I basically poured my heart out to her and then next day, she proceeded to harass me about telling my father. It's like it went through one ear and out of the other.

My anger hadn't even stopped there. What annoyed me most was the fact that I was supposed to forget everything that happened between us and put forth my money to show my appreciation and love for her. How dare anyone say that? What I took out of my father's phone call that day was that I am to make sure I get her a present and give her a call because "it would be nice to hear from me".

I'm sure it was considering all that she'd done. To me, getting her a gift was giving up what she had done to me and saying that it was all okay. It was putting up this smokescreen saying that the passed five months never happened. Forget the fact that you told me that I'm the reason that my brother is acting out. Forget about when you told me that my dad can't handle this bullshit that I'm putting out. Forget the fact that you told me to get out of your house because I was causing such a havoc in your house that none of you could stand it, a week before my birthday.

But no, seriously, it's okay you did all of that. Excuse me as I pay for these two $60 plants for you to plant in your yard as a reward for being a great mother last year.

As Father's Day comes, I can't help but think the same thing. For my father, the anger digs even deeper. My father and I have never gotten along in my eyes. We've had times where he's chuckled at my jokes and I have brushed off his, but all in all, I just remained civil. I never felt like he deserved much of an award or reward for the kind of dad he was.

Yes, he took us on vacations and out to eat, and gave us clothes and stuffs; however, that doesn't make up for everything he lacked and missed. He never came to any of my performances, whether it was chorus or my independent performances. He never tried to truly interact with me or my brother, if he did, it was in his own interests. And how can we forget about the memories of the screams and terror in my brother and mother's eyes as you beat them. I still hear my brother screaming for you to stop hitting him. I still wake up in the middle of the night straining my ears to hear if the pair of you are arguing to the point where you hit her. I still remember getting up at 1 in the morning and racing up the stairs with my sister and niece and watching you pin my mother down as she screamed for you to stop and you told us to go away.

I will never believe you deserve father of the year awards for those memories. But even more so now that you haven't made it any easier. You also played a part in my coming out that I won't forget. When that night finally came, you made sure from that point on that you were going to do everything you could to change me. You never even tried to understand. Every day you would force me into your domain where you would basically telling me I'm wrong for what I'm thinking and feeling, comparing me to pedophiles at every chance you could. Threatening to call the cops on my Boyfriend for corruption of a minor. Confining me into that house where you kept your own ideas enforced without any view of enlightenment.

Why should you deserve anything? I have to give it to my mom, when I told my parents I was leaving, I told them they had a chance to reconcile and continue a relationship with me, but they had to let this all go. I feel that my mom takes my warning into consideration. She does not try to upset me, at that, she reaches out to me and tries. The most blatant way to put it is if my parents didn't shop at my store, I would probably never see my dad. Why? Because my dad doesn't care to put forth a foot to see or talk to me. Like I said above, my dad does not call me! He does not try to text me or contact me in any way! So why should I continue?

The last time I seen my dad and had a conversation one on one was probably a month and a half ago. We go to my brother's house, their house, to watch Game of Thrones on the big TV movie room in the basement, mainly it's because they're the only ones with HBO. at that point, I would go upstairs everytime I got there to say hello to my dad and tell him how everything was going and to see how it was there. The conversation headed in the direction of school (surprise, surprise) and I told him about this inappropriate professor that I had this semester. I told him how the professor was utterly and totally out of order and inappropriate with his topics of discussion and there was no way of justifying it. The professor taught computer science and talked about how the girls in the class were sexy and if they had nude pictures on their phones and edging the boys on about sexy women manipulating them, etc. My father decided to disregard this as nothing compared to how I live my life. At this point, I knew where the discussion was going.

My dad basically informed me that unless I admit I am wrong for being gay, then I cannot fully judge him on his actions for they are the same. First, let me clear that up here and now. My professor was nowhere under the age of 60 and he was describing these female students, whom were no less than 18 and no more than 20, as sexy individuals and coming up with scenarios where they would be portrayed nude. That is in NO WAY acceptable on any account! Number one: that's disgusting that he is that old talking about young girls like that! Number two: He is a professor and those are students, and that is no different than a teacher sleeping with a student, which is unacceptable and prohibited. That is in NO WAY comparable to being gay, nor is it relatable to my relationship with my boyfriend.

This to me was a complete slap in the face. He not only insulted my point of view, he insulted my community, my integrity, and my relationship, but because I was in his house, I did not argue it. I brushed it off, and told him it was time for me to leave. I had no intention of making it seem like I was okay with what he said, but he knew I was not okay with it. He knew what he said was completely out of line and inappropriate, but he didn't care. So my state of mind is, why should I?

Why should I care to continue tired conversations that I have to carry and lead into a direction where he doesn't pissed me off? Why do I have to go out of my way to make him feel special provided everything that he's done? Like I said, if it were up to me, he wouldn't get anything. He'd be lucky if I even called him on Father's day.

Lastly, my aunt. About a month ago, my sister texted me and told me that my aunt was having a fourth of July barbecue at her house in NY, as she usually does, and she would like for me to come. This is the very same aunt who outed me almost 7 months ago to my mom without permission. This is the same aunt who ruined everything for me. The same aunt who cursed out my mother a month and a half ago over this situation.This is the very same aunt, who has still not apologized to me for what she has done, nor has she called or talked to me in general.

This was nothing more than a slap in the face to me. What's more on top of that was the fact that my aunt couldn't even tell me herself! She told her daughter (my cousin) who told my sister and SHE told me. This situation more than most was one where it felt like she was telling me, "Forget about what happened, at the end of the day, we're family." This is what brought everything into perspective and probably what provided some of the anger to continue towards my parents.

The three of them seem to carry this one state of mind: Just because we're family, we should forget about what happened and move on. So what you're telling me is, I'm supposed to drop everything that happened and forgive you when you never even apologized, and jump back to where we were? And that's all because we're family? No. Not at all. Family doesn't do what you've done to each other. Family doesn't hurt one another intentionally and does not apologize for it. My family, doesn't do that to me. My family, hasn't done that to me; and I'll be damned if I'll be told a member of my family has done that and expects me to stick around.

In short, no, I don't think I will forget this. Maybe I'll quote Nicki Minaj and "Forgive, won't forget, but I'ma dead the issue." I want to make sure that this is a lesson that sinks in and is learned by everyone. It is not okay to hurt others in ways of no return. Moreover, sometimes a little "sorry" can go a long way. In my book, swallowing your pride and owning up to a mistake, one of the biggest ways you can go.

To all the mothers and fathers out there, don't think that because you have a day devoted to you that you have a right to be rewarded and awarded just because you provide for a child. It's the care for the child that counts.

~Be Breezy ~

Coming Out

Today is a very special day. A day we as the LGBT community come together to celebrate a wonderful time in each other's lives. A very wonderful and personal point in time for us all. This day we pay tribute to on October 11 is called National coming out day.

A lot of straight people think this is kind of irrelevent, but they don't understand the importance of coming out. Coming out for anyone is a huge point in a person's life. It is a point in life where a person finds the courage to accept themselves for who they are and let the world know who they are. For LGBT people, this may include coming out as transgender, bisexual, lesbian, or in my case, gay. But coming out comes in different forms. For some people they may come out as a furry, or a gleek, or even an anime geek. Either way, acceptance is the key.

Another thing about coming out, It's something that never ends. We as different people are ALWAYS coming out. Most people will never know certain things about a person unless someone comes out and tells them. I am one of those people who breaks stereotypes pretty well, so with that, I'm constantly having to come out and tell people I'm gay. And of course with that comes with the second coming out as a gay cub. But just because people come out all the time doesn't make it any easier.

Coming out is never easy. Especially the first couple of times. My first time coming out was terrifying. I remember my heart racing and my head going light, and I didn't even do it in person! The first person I told was this butch lesbian who was soo sure I was gay, but I came out to her as bisexual. We weren't close or anything, I guess I just felt like she really couldn't overreact to me because me and her really weren't very different. But after her brought upon the coming out to one of my closest friends. Again, very terrified and hesitant, and still not even in person. I couldn't even get up the courage to do it over instant messaging, I did it through a MySpace email. My heart was racing all the way until he called me later that day and he said he didn't really care. From there, it didn't get much easier.

Sometimes people feel coming out is a lot easier after the first time. That wasn't entirely true for me... I came out to some of my closest friends as bisexual, which wasn't really the truth. It took me until my sophomore year in high school to gain up the courage to ever try coming out again. My next coming out was in a GSA where I was completely choked up and damn near ashamed to say it in front of people who barely knew me and were in the same situation!

From there came the last time I was ever scared of coming out, which was when I decided to come out in school. In this case, I was completely full of anxiety because I knew what I was going to do, just how when was I going to do it? I first told my activity bus driver and we talked for a while about it and I got a little more comfortable and then the next day I ended up just blurting it out at the end of class and everyone accepted it and moved on.

I cherish my coming out and am very proud of it. As should everyone else, which is why I put so much feeling into this day. This is our day to appreciate and reflect on these memories and share our stories in pride and victory. I hope this tradition continues and everyone celebrates the true meaning of coming out. Happy national coming out day and thanks for reading! Feel free to share your stories or kik me or instagram me. Have a great night everyone!

~Be Breezy~

Cub Vs. Religion

Ok, so this is a hard thing to challenge. I'm going to piss some people off, but hey, this is my blog right?! Why is religion so hard to challenge? Because it is something that cannot be proven. Religion is something that is solely internal. Nothing is based off of fact. This is especially challenging for me because of this. I am one of those people where I need to see it to believe it. Sometimes... It was one thing as a kid and believing in stuff, but I grew out of that. But something that just popped into my head contradicted that statement.

When I was a kid, I remember watching The Santa Clause with Tim Allen. In this movie, Charlie says something to him that just struck me: "Have you ever seen a million bucks? Tim: "No." Charlie: "Just because you haven't seen it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist!" Which brings me back to my initial point of, it just can't be proven.

Another thing that makes this hard to challenge is the comprehension. The bible/Torah etc. Are all so hard to understand! You may understand it in one way, and it turns out to mean something completely different! Someone just posted on my instagram about how in the bible it says Leviticus 20:6 A man shall not lie with another man or he shall be stoned. That could be comprehended to mean gays must be high! I joke, but I'm also serious. People take things into different perspectives. Which is religion is a topic best to be left alone.

My problem with religion? Personally, me and religion never got along. It always seemed to keep people in fear and stop them from doing or thinking things they would normally do/think. I have friends for example who are very religious. They would not marry someone outside of their religion. Now, I an in no way saying there is anything wrong with that, but to me it seems utterly ridiculous! Just because she/he doesn't believe in your God she is somehow not worthy of your love? If there was no such thing as religion, then she would have an equal opportunity! Also, one of these friends said he felt bad about the sexual thoughts he had been having towards girls. Because (now I don't know the true line, but I'm paraphrasing) he shall not be lead by temptation. That's fucking ridiculous! Everyone has sexual thoughts! To deny those thoughts because someone who may or may not be real said that isn't right?! That sounds like your being more of a follower.

Which brings me to my next problem with religion. I am no follower. So I refuse to live my life according to some "higher being" and he may not be right or real. Who is he/she to tell me that I can't have sex before marriage? Who is he/she to tell me that I may not lie with another man?! I am my own person and I lead my life. I do not follow anyone. ESPECIALLY if he/she has no proof of it being wrong or anyone has any proof of this person being real.

So these problems I have with religion already put me on a bias about it. But even without those biases, it still has no place to be brought into a political argument. Why? Because it can NOT be proven. When people bring up God in a debate about homosexuality and say that he said that it is a sin, I want to burst out into a rant! Much like this... Because, how do you know he said that? Oh, because some man INSPIRED by this man wrote it down? Over 5 or so milleniums ago when there was no real written language and it was converted into a bunch of different languages where they don't necessarily have the same meaning? Oh... Ok. That makes perfect sense.

Fuck that! I am supposed to lead by that?! Not even by a man who MET this "God" and heard him preach that being gay was a sin?! And even if he heard this "God" preach that, who's to say he was right?! But for the sake of argument, let's say this happened. Who's to say that that's what he really said?! The written word has been changed so many times through language conversion and word of mouth that it could've said anything! And it was so long ago, how do you know if he really meant homosexuality in the general sense it means today?! It could have meant something completely different! It was so long ago, homosexuality probably wasn't even thought of, never mind it being thought of as being a problem! And the fact that people would still rather follow that than go for what America truelly stands for completely astounds me.

And that's what truelly eats at me and stops me from really liking religion. Because people are so quick to believe some dusty old book of stories rather than believe what's right in front of them: LOVE. Some people will quickly forget that we stand for a country of EQUAL opportunities. My main rights are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Not life under God, liberty if God said it was ok, and God's view of happiness. Why stop me from my GOD GIVEN rights as a human being because of something that cannot be proven? But I bet you I can prove that man kneeling down on one knee proposing to the man in front of him, loves him. I bet you I can prove that lesbian couple promising to stay together in sickness and in health, truelly love each other. You know what's great proof of that? The fight. The fight we have endured. We have lost countless family members, friends, work opportunities, etc. All because we were fighting for the right to love. If this was just a phase, why keep fighting? You can't prove to me that he didn't intend for us to win these fights. Because as you guys love to say, "God doesn't make mistakes."

Thanks for listening everyone. I hope I didn't piss off anyone too bad. My only goal was to open people's eyes, but by all means, fight me on it. But unless your God comes down to my face and proves he's real, your wrong. Until then, we'll keep winning battles of love. And if there really is a God, you know how I know he is ok with this? Because of our victory just the other day with marriage equality in California and the destruction of DOMA. There's your proof.

The Power Of Slurs

Slurs, we all know them. They are within every community and there is one for EVERY community. For the black community there's nigger, slave, "help", for Asians it might be chinks, for white people there's honkey, for straight people there's breeders, religious communities bible thumper, and for the LGBT community, there's dyke, tranny, and faggot.

These slurs were always used to demean and insult people. As a black person, when you were called a nigger, you were being referred to as lower class. You were dirt. It was something that would potentially start a fight.

Nowadays, the power to the word "nigger" has been taken away... To a certain degree. Now, people use the word constantly, but used in a different way. They may argue that their saying "nigga" and not "nigger" being that there is a difference. But today, there is, isn't there?

When someone says "nigga", they generally don't mean harm and only mean another word such as bro, or people. Black people have turned that slur, nigger, into and everyday word where not many are offended by it. When people say "nigger" it is often used as a joke or to start a fight because they are using it in the meaning of a lower class person and dirt.

This used to be a word that I would refrain from using. When I was younger, I saw the word as one thing, a slur. The word wasn't funny, and it didn't describe me. But since I have grown up, I have become more loose about the word. In fact, I find myself saying it often. Where had my feelings about this word disappeared to? What made them change? Power.

I realized that the word had changed. Thanks to time, this word hadn't meant shit. It was just another word that used to be something that it isn't anymore. Just like words such as bitch and hoe. Words like these don't mean a damn thing like they used to. You find girls saying it to each other all the time and now even hear men saying it. The words have been powered down and have now lost their meaning.

I bring this up because I have heard a lot of the word "faggot" lately. Faggot was and is a word to oppress gay people, but the true meaning is a bundle of sticks. Just like the word "nigger", it wasn't a good thing to be called. It meant you were lower class and different then everyone and deserved to be called something "other".

I hear it a lot more than I used to and it does come from friends. I've told them that I don't like the word and they catch themselves saying it around me and sometimes hate having to sensor themselves. I do get the occasional, "Why does it bother you so much, I'm not talking about being gay!" And I would always respond with the sane answer I would when it was nigger getting tossed around: "I hate the word because it was used to oppress the LGBT people and the power of a word like that has been used to kill many of our LGBT youth and I will NEVER be accepting of a word like that!"

I felt the same way about the word "nigga". I refused to be one of those people who through around that word like it was nothing when it was a word used to oppress many people before me and people in my background. But look at me now, using the word without as much of a second thought of how it made other people feel. Sometimes I feel ashamed about it, but should I? Time has done this.

I realized, I am not one of those people. I know what the word means and the history it has. I am not using it in the context of its history. I'm using it to show how time has changed. To show how accepting our world has become to use a word like that and be ok. Maybe It's time to do that with the word "faggot". And not only faggot, but other slurs like dyke, queen, lesbo, and homo too. And I can't forget our "T" for tranny.

Maybe that's exactly what our community needs. The power of these slurs to be removed. I grow tired of having to be annoyed with these word and fighting with my friends about why they should and shouldn't use them. There are people in our community who use these words with no problem, and maybe that's exactly what we need for our youth, so that they will no longer feel the oppression in this world. I hear gays with powerful voices use these words and notice how they never bat an eye. Calling each other fags, dykes, and homos in playful and accepting ways just to show how times have changed and how these words are only history that will soon be diminished, but never forgotten.

But is that the right thing to do with these words? Should we accept them? Maybe we should tear down these words and allow them never to be used. So that no one will ever feel their pain. No one will ever have to remember how they have been oppressed with those very same words and have it haunt them for the rest of their lives.

But then that brings controversy. People will fight and argue freedom of speech while others fight back saying that It's hate speech. People hate being censored, shit I should know. I have been cursing since I was in 6th grade and haven't stopped since. I hate having to watch what I say, because I have freedom of speech. Now I don't go around screaming "fuck you and fuck that and fuck this" in front of a group of kids, but I am growing as an adult and I should be able to speak my mind. But that only goes but so far.

I don't use my freedom of speech as hate speech, which is where the acceptance comes from. If people don't use these words in an oppressing matter, then it will be fine to use some of these words, depending on where you are and who you say it to of course. Just like the word nigger; as long as you don't have hateful intentions, you usually won't have a problem. Just as I feel it should be with other words sometimes.

But again, all this depends on the people you're around. I wouldn't advise you throwing these words around all the time because you feel they should be nothing because that's how you upset people. I don't really know how to feel about these words, so I open it up to everyone. How do you feel about these words? How do you feel they should be handled?

I think this gay cub has said enough for now. Society, I think I got you on this one. Have a great easter everyone and a great spring break to all the others!

~Be Breezy!~