Family Matters

I really do not want to get up and grab my psychology book, but I'm pretty sure that this title is a pragmatism in language, meaning that this phrase can be interpreted in two different ways. One way it can be interpreted is that family is important and will always mean something. The other interpretation is a situation that involves family, exclusively. Now, I addressed this to not only prove my consumption of information in my major, but also to make this clear that this post is about both. I decided it was time that I finally let out and gather my thoughts about how I truly feel about this family matter and how much this family matters. Hopefully my thoughts won't be too wild and hopefully everything stays pretty organized. I guess the best way to do this is to start from the very beginning. So without further ado, sound your trumpets, because King Kaseem is here to invoke the message!

As you may have read in a previous post, I met my boyfriend 6 months ago and we had dated all through the summer. It being the summer meant that I had a lot of free time. It was the summer of my graduation, of course I wanted to have fun! This was the summer that I believed was going to be the best because I didn't have to go back to high school and I was starting a new life elsewhere. Little did I know at that point in time that I wouldn't be attending WVU, but I did my best to enjoy the summer.

On top of it being the summer that I graduated, this was my first summer in a relationship. For that matter, it was my first time being in a relationship! Naturally, this would mean I was going to have a summer jam-packed with all sorts of events!  I was constantly going on dates and going to the movies and laying about, alongside working of course. Every day was another day to be filled with adventure, of course, unless my parents had anything to say about it.

All summer, my parents had been fighting me on going out at every possible chance. If I went out on monday, then it was a problem that I went out on wednesday. If I went out wednesday, then I didn't need to to go out for the rest of the week and into the following! This came across to me and any other person abstract because after all, I'm a teenager! For Christ's sake, all teenagers go out! All of them want to go do things in there free tine! Why would I want to stay at home and do nothing all day? That doesn't even make sense!

After the summer began to wind down, me and my family were just topping off our summer vacation with a cruise to the along the Mexican islands. During this trip, I had a great time. All the food we could eat, different sights every day, and some wild excursions from time to time. However, the trip did have its shortcomings when it came to excitement outside of the excursions. My brothers, cousins, and I were constantly looking for things to pass the time by, which was incredibly irritating. However, it was fun to spend some time with my brothers and cousins, for we are all hilarious together. And that's what this trip was about. We are the ones who all graduated from high school and we were celebrating it together as adults and away from our parents. Which in the end, led to an incredible change to my life.

During this trip, me and my brothers never spent time with my parents. We had never thought anything of it. We were old enough to do everything in our own and we paid for everything on our own! What could we possibly need them for? They did their grown up things and we did what we could in our age group. My dad made it very clear to us years ago that we can't have the same fun as them, so we let them have their fun just as we had ours.

We didn't do much with them because that just wasn't what we were used to. If they had asked, that would have been one thing, but they never did. They asked us for one night, which we gave to them, but beyond that, we did what we always did: our own thing. My family has never been the type to sit at the table together and have dinners or breakfast; it's just not something we did, ever. For this to all be a problem to my mother was a complete mystery to my brother and I because this had all been so natural to us, that it just seemed normal. We didn't have conversations with my dad because we just never have. Any time we did, it was a lecture, which we did not want to hear. Everything was exactly how it always had been, but to my mother, this was complete and utter disrespect.

When we arrived back home, she expressed to me and my brother exactly how she felt. Hurt, cheated, oucasted, all because we didn't call them or have dinner with them? I'm sorry, but we're not kids anymore. We are both in college and at that point I was a couple months from being 18, but we were still too old for that to be a legit excuse. We have far outgrown hanging out with our parents and wanting them to be with us. She knew this day was going to come and she cannot make the big stink that she is making about it now.

Sadly to say, this was still just the small part of the worst trip ever. During our cruise, whilst me and my brothers were on one side of Belize going zip lining, my aunt was on the other side of the island "outing" me to my mom. I hadn't even been there to stop it, but even worse, my aunt never even came to me to talk about it.

I didn't find out until the very next day when my cousins all told me, which at that point, it had already been too late. When we arrived back in the states, I asked my mom about it, and her response was nothing less than hateful. "How could you do this to us, we raised you better than this, just wait til your father finds out!" Etc. I quickly hushed her to hide it from my father, but when we arrived home, I never heard the end of it.

When we got home, my mom had this very long talk to me about how she felt. She let me know that she doesn't believe me and how hurt she feels and then the rest about how she felt about me and my brother. All I could tell her was that it was the truth and that we hadn't known what we were doing. But it didn't end there. Over the course of another two weeks, I proceeded to try to make my mother understand. I tried to let her in and be honest with her and tell her how I felt. I read my old blog posts to her, revealed to her my fears, and unmasked the love of my life. I wanted to let her know that I was tired of lying, and tired of hiding. I wanted her to know that if I were sure that they wouldn't have left me, I would have told them. I wanted her to understand what it meant to be gay and that it was nothing that what she had been made to believe. I wanted to let her know, above all else, that I was happy with my life. That I was gay and I was proud.

Unfortunately, she was not listening. She basically ignored everything I had said and focused one thing: herself. She turned it all about her and how it made things worse for her. She was complaining about how she doesn't have a relationship with her sister anymore, and how she's stressing because my dad doesn't know, and work, etc. ever since she found out, she had been badgering me and harassing me to admit it to my father that I was gay. Constantly, I tried to have conversations with her and tried to continue vein honest, which she responded with anger and more badgering. For those two months, I was panicking because I was in fear that she was going to tell my father herself and/or that my day to tell him was coming up. She would give me deadlines as to when to tell him and then tell me not to. I would be all worked up and ready, where she would tell me it wasn't the right time because he wasn't feeling well. One of these times, I remember we had a conversation through text, one that I could never forget.

My dad had just undergone his eye surgery and I figured it had been the perfect opportunity to tell him because for one he couldn't give me any judgemental looks, but he also couldn't cause any possible harm due to his handicap. I figured this was the safest way to go about this, but my mom did not agree. That night, I told my mom exactly how I had been feeling about what she had been doing. I told her she is stressing me out and she is hurting me. I let her know of how scared I was and that I was not ready, but she didn't care. She responded with "I don't care how you feel" and proceeded to give me a deadline to tell him. At this point in time, I had had it.

For months she had been blaming me for the disconnection between her and her sister. She had been blaming me for the stress she had been experiencing from work and my father. She had been blaming me for what she couldn't handle and I wasn't dealing with it anymore. At this point, I wanted almost nothing to do with her. I had nothing to do with any of that. Your SISTER caused the disconnection between you two! Your sister decided to run her mouth off to you about something she was not sure of and on top of that, had nothing to do with her. No matter what her state of consciousness was, she should be able to take responsibility for her own actions. If you can't control yourself after that many drinks, than you obviously so not need that many. If you can't be at least somewhat conscious while you are drunk, than you don't need to be drinking. When I'm drunk, I know what I'm doing and what I'm saying, And I'm only 17. If you can't do that by the age of 50, then you need to reevaluate your habits.

Before I proceed with the story, allow me to further discuss exactly my problem with my aunt. If you were drunk, why can't you admit that you were wrong? If you were truly not in the right state of mind, why do you feel the need to defend yourself and not apologize? Things would probably be a little better if she had apologized and admitted that she was wrong, but she didn't. She won't even acknowledge the fact that she did wrong, which does not sound like it was done unintentionally. The main thing is, it had nothing to do with you. No matter what you thought or what your position was, you had no right to out me. On top of that, how could you do that to someone, ESPECIALLY your nephew. You know what that's like, your own son is gay! You should know better than that, but you didn't care. And you don't care. So therefore, we have nothing more to say to each other.

After that night with my mom, approximately two weeks after that night, my mom again forced me to tell my dad and I had had it. I told her if it'll get her to leave me alone, than consider it done. After that night, our relationship was over. Just like my aunt, we had nothing left to say to each other. So what does this mean? Don't have a conversation with me. Don't try and Crack jokes around me because they are not welcome, and neither are your comments. From that point on, we are no longer friends. I don't want anything to do with you. What further frustrates me is both my aunt and my mother have this tendency to act like nothing happened.

About a month ago (from the present) my aunt calls and says hello and tells my mom that my brother and find I don't call her anymore. Let's get something straight. For one, we have NEVER called her to have a conversation with her. If we had ever called, it had to do with a conversation that needed to be had with my cousin. If we didn't call you before, then why the FUCK would I call you now?!  Number two, don't fucking say hello to me like there is nothing wrong between me and you. You ruined that fucking relationship about a month ago (when she outed me). My mom has the same problem. She continues to try and joke around with me and act like nothing happened. No. We don't have that relationship anymore. You don't care about how I feel, so by those odds, why do you care if I joke with you now? For two months, you had been rushing me and stressing me to tell him, so now we don't have that relationship anymore. If you have anything to talk to me about, you keep it short, sweet, and to the point. Other then that, stay the fuck away from me.

So that night, I ended up telling my dad, which if you have read my previous posts,  obviously did not turn out well. It was about a four and a half hour conversation of him basically telling me I am wrong for what I am feeling and him getting frustrated by the rebuttles that I had been making. I made it very clear at the beginning of the "conversation" that I did not want to influence him. I told him I don't want to make you change your mind or make you accept this, I'm just letting you know. By the fourth hour, I grew tired of his ignorance and decided to let him to talk out of his ass. But just when I thought that would be the end.

Two days from then, we have another conversation about the topic. In this "conversation," he agreed to allow me to ask questions that he would then answer, which in turn only frustrated me. By the end of this "conversation," he informed me that if I continued to see my boyfriend, he was going to call the cops. At this point, I was thoroughly disgusted. I didn't want anything to do with either of them. Everything that applied to one of them, pretty much applied to all of them. For almost three weeks, I hadn't said anything more to them than what they asked me.

I wanted to get even with them. I wanted to hurt them in a way that I would hope compare to the pain they bared on me, but it didn't even compare. What could possibly hurt more than being told that you are wrong, to break up with the love of your life, and to change you all in one hour? Especially by the people who are supposedly supposed to be your family and love you unconditionally, but that was not the case. I was blunt and very wort with them because I wanted them to realize that I was happy with what I was, and if they cannot accept that, then they couldn't see me. That happy go lucky guy that loves to laugh and shined brighter than the sun is proud of who he is and being gay is apart of that. All of my happiness and enthusiasm comes from my pride of me being who I am. If you take that away from me, then silence is what you get, because I refuse to hide me, but me can avoid you.

This did aggravate them, but only to mean another lecture on how being gay was wrong. My father proceeded to come up with more ignorant statements about what it meant to be gay, which I again refuted and again, ended in turmoil. What I got out of this conversation was that my method of staying silent and being blunt towards them was going to backfire. So I decided I'd just continue to be me and if they didn't like it, it was because I was gay. So what this meant was I could joke around with my mom again.

This created another problem for me. I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to have conversations again. I didn't want to let any of this go. How could I let up now? She'll think what she did is okay. She'll think it was just a phase that I just got over. I need her to know that that is not the case here.

I can't get passed that night. Those nights where she would constantly badger me of tell my mom, when she said she didn't care about how I felt and how she only cared about her own feelings, or how about when she didn't give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt and allowed my father to make me break up with him. How could I ever just forgive that? Whenever I see her, all of that just comes back up, and no joke is able to repair that. For my father, the anger goes a little bit deeper.

My anger towards my father is a little bit different than my anger towards my mother. Me and my mother had a relationship that is now gone. So there I pain there from me. With my father, we already didn't have a great relationship, so all he was doing was pushing me further and further away. What aggravates me about them both is that they both insist that they know me, but if you look back, you really didn't, did you? My father whom has never had any part in my social life, now all of of a sudden wants to be apart of it because he thinks I'm corrupted because I'm gay. The only reason he would want to have conversations and talk now is because I'm gay. If I hadn't told him I was gay, he would have never wanted to have more conversations which in turn, would have left our relationship exactly where it is now: nowhere.

Who are you to tell me what's good for me? You don't even know me. You don't know what I like, my favorite color, or even my major. What makes you think you know what is going to make me happy? As a father, you can suggest, but you can't rule my life, and I don't intend to let you. What he is soon going to learn is that I was gay last year, I am gay this year. I was gay yesterday, and I am gay today. Chances are, I'm going to be gay tomorrow, and gay next year.

I don't know where exactly this entire situation will situate itself, but anywhere else has got to be considerably better than this now. As far as I know, this shit can't be pulled in the future. I will not stand for it. I will not hold myself back from certain things that will make me happy solely because they are ignorant and they do not agree. They have the opportunity to understand and accept this, or they can let me go and lose sight of what's really here. Yeah, we're family, but does family do this to each other? No. My real family accepts me for who I am in the hopes that I will be happy in the end. So let's just get one thing clear, I'm happy with who I am and where I am. If you don't like me, then we have nothing more to say to each other.

~Be Breezy~

Finally. . .

Hey everyone! I'm sorry for being MIA for the last couple of months. You know how life is, it picks up. And boy oh boy, mine has certainly picked up! Sit down, grab your drink, and let's talk.

In my last post, I broke down and completely admitted my problem. I swallowed my pride and I said it. I'm lonely. For months, I had been drowning in my own pain and being consumed by it. I was waiting for love to pass me by so I could finally feel completed. I didn't have anyone to cuddle with, no one to share affection towards, and no one to ditch my friends for. As a result of this, I began to create problems that didn't exist in my head. I would indulge myself elsewhere and create a well focused problem to veer my loneliness. In conclusion, I wasn't in the right state of mind. . .

Now, to my readers who read closely at what I was saying in that last paragraph, you'll notice a change in pace. "I would; I wasn't; I didnt." That's all past tense words! That's right everyone, my time has come.

No longer will I be drowning in my own sorrows of loneliness. No longer will I have to be told, "My time will come," Or "He's coming as fast as he can!" And especially, "You can't go looking for him." I had hated being told that stuff, and it had never helped anything. But now, that's over. My time has come, he's finally made it, and I can stop looking for him.

Now I'm sure EVERYONE wants to hear how I met my handsome change of pace! As much as I hated hearing, "You can't go looking for him," ironically enough, I looked for him! It was back towards the end of April where I had my National Honor Society "Passing of the Torch" ceremony where us graduating NHS members were handing off our positions to the following class NHS members.

That day had been a complete blow to me because I had to go get something done for my car, which ALWAYS meant, my dad was coming. Now, I didn't mind too much because my dad is a good heckler, so he could get me a good deal. But in turn, he was around to lecture me and bug me. After we checked some things out, while he was inside, I decided to wipe my car down and when he came out, judgement came along with him.

Of course, he eyed down my outfit and complained that my clothes were way too tight and how I didn't have to follow the crowd. He had been telling me and my brother to be leaders and to create our own style for years, but the second I come up with a style I like, he's got everything to say about it! I brushed it off as I normally do and continued to ask him if I could go to wing night with a couple of friends. As I explained in a previous post, all wing night is is just a cheap dinner with a bunch of broke friends. We all have bills and shit to pay for, so we don't always have money for Red Robin's (Yum!), or chili's! So why not take advantage of a cheap, well cooked dinner?!

He continued with his usual, you always go to wing night, and then lectured me about who I was going with because one of my friends is gay and the rest of them are girls, to which he proceeded to tell me no, I couldn't go. At this point, I was completely infuriated. Not only was I going to the NHS induction ceremony by myself, but I also couldn't go to celebrate this evening with my friends! To see all my peers and the other kids getting worshipped and praised by their parents, I sat alone in on stage, not getting cheered for, and feeling more lonely than ever.

I didn't want to stay for cake and be surrounded by a bunch of people I didn't know or even cared about, so directly after the ceremony, I left and went to wing night anyways to at least catch up with my friends. I joked around with two of my friends from work and explained I couldn't stay long. I soon pointed out three guys in the room who had caught my eye in a joking matter, but I would have pounced on them in a second! This is where things picked up. . .

I knew the one guy I pointed out was the owner, so he was one: too old for me. And two: not gay. But between the other two guys, the one guy really caught my eye. This guy had been everything I had always dreamed in a man! He was blonde, he had pretty blue eyes, a beard, glasses, and had been chunky in all the right places! I couldn't believe it, and I was ogling over him the entire time!

Soon after I told my friends, I believe he looked up at me, to where I did what any smart man would do when they get caught looking. . . Quickly turn away and pretend you weren't staring!!! After we both exchanged a couple of looks, he got up and went to the bathroom. A lot of time passed in between those looks, so I thought nothing of it. He was obviously older than me, and he probably wasn't even gay! I assumed there wasn't much to look at, so he glanced over here. As soon as we seen him disappear into the bathroom, my friends push me to go into the bathroom with him. After a completely ludicrous argument, I finally gave into their pleading and went into the bathroom with him. Whilst in there, I complimented him on his shoes, which he then uttered in the cutest, highest, flamboyant voice, "Thanks!"

I was astonished. I couldn't believe it. I find a handsome guy that I'm attracted to, and he actually turns out to be gay! This excited me, but I still wasn't willing to go talk to him. He was still probably 10 years older than me, so there was no point to me. Then we continued to exchange looks between each other, where I continued to giggle, squeal, and panic like a little school girl. Finally, my friends gave me a push when his friend disappeared, and I thought he saw me; I figured, he's seen me look at him and now getting pushed, might as well! I thought I'd never see him again, and I happened to eat my words when he said, "You're soo cute!" After I extended my offer to take him to dinner.

That night, we texted until midnight, where we made plans to meet for dinner that friday. Five dates later, I had asked him to be my boyfriend and another date after that, he told me yes. Ever since May 2, 2014, I had been a very happy, committed man.

Now we face a new challenge, long distance. But that'll be for another post! Maybe after my first day or week in West Virginia. Until then everyone, take care. And as always,

~Be Breezy~

Coming Out

Today is a very special day. A day we as the LGBT community come together to celebrate a wonderful time in each other's lives. A very wonderful and personal point in time for us all. This day we pay tribute to on October 11 is called National coming out day.

A lot of straight people think this is kind of irrelevent, but they don't understand the importance of coming out. Coming out for anyone is a huge point in a person's life. It is a point in life where a person finds the courage to accept themselves for who they are and let the world know who they are. For LGBT people, this may include coming out as transgender, bisexual, lesbian, or in my case, gay. But coming out comes in different forms. For some people they may come out as a furry, or a gleek, or even an anime geek. Either way, acceptance is the key.

Another thing about coming out, It's something that never ends. We as different people are ALWAYS coming out. Most people will never know certain things about a person unless someone comes out and tells them. I am one of those people who breaks stereotypes pretty well, so with that, I'm constantly having to come out and tell people I'm gay. And of course with that comes with the second coming out as a gay cub. But just because people come out all the time doesn't make it any easier.

Coming out is never easy. Especially the first couple of times. My first time coming out was terrifying. I remember my heart racing and my head going light, and I didn't even do it in person! The first person I told was this butch lesbian who was soo sure I was gay, but I came out to her as bisexual. We weren't close or anything, I guess I just felt like she really couldn't overreact to me because me and her really weren't very different. But after her brought upon the coming out to one of my closest friends. Again, very terrified and hesitant, and still not even in person. I couldn't even get up the courage to do it over instant messaging, I did it through a MySpace email. My heart was racing all the way until he called me later that day and he said he didn't really care. From there, it didn't get much easier.

Sometimes people feel coming out is a lot easier after the first time. That wasn't entirely true for me... I came out to some of my closest friends as bisexual, which wasn't really the truth. It took me until my sophomore year in high school to gain up the courage to ever try coming out again. My next coming out was in a GSA where I was completely choked up and damn near ashamed to say it in front of people who barely knew me and were in the same situation!

From there came the last time I was ever scared of coming out, which was when I decided to come out in school. In this case, I was completely full of anxiety because I knew what I was going to do, just how when was I going to do it? I first told my activity bus driver and we talked for a while about it and I got a little more comfortable and then the next day I ended up just blurting it out at the end of class and everyone accepted it and moved on.

I cherish my coming out and am very proud of it. As should everyone else, which is why I put so much feeling into this day. This is our day to appreciate and reflect on these memories and share our stories in pride and victory. I hope this tradition continues and everyone celebrates the true meaning of coming out. Happy national coming out day and thanks for reading! Feel free to share your stories or kik me or instagram me. Have a great night everyone!

~Be Breezy~

Everything is gay

So I'm in target right now and I was just browsing around and I walk upon the book section. I had been telling myself for a while that I wanted to get myself into more reading. It just seems distinguishing, fun, and relaxing. But if I were to start reading, it would have to be something I'm interested in. Only one thing comes to mind... A little while ago I was searching for books to read and again, only one thing of interest came to mind.

A little while ago I wrote a post called Why is it always the gay where I explained how everything bad that happens to me I happen to blame on being gay. I think I found a little bit of an answer to that. I think It's more than just I'm blaming my bad luck on my homosexuality, the only thing I'm really interested in is homosexuality! Everywhere I go, that is the main thing on my mind. It's almost like I have an obsession with it.

I don't know what it is about being gay. I am just so fathomized by it. The stories on how people figured out who they were. The rejections, the acceptions, the coming process in general! It's one thing that I am attracted to guys and all I can think about is guys, but I feel the need to involve it in my everyday life. The people I watched on YouTube when I was first coming out used to say being gay is just a little piece of you. It is not everything about you. For me It's the opposite! It's a huge part of me! Shapes my character, who I wanna be around, who wants to be around me, my thought process, and my social conversation.

I try not to talk about it a lot because I know a lot of other people don't care nor do they wanna hear about it, but truth is, I love talking about it! I love writing, learning, and reading anything that has to do with it! Not even a lot of gay people like talking about it that much. They feel it is just a little piece that they just glide on over. But me, It's more than just that. It is a huge part of my interests. Like I said, it shapes who I am as a person right now.

Is this a problem? I guess the answer's yes and no. Everyone has their obsession and mines happens to be my sexuality. But I can't let it be everything about me because that's how you turn people away. If some people don't want to hear it, I just have to respect that and move on. But it is an interest of mine and it's fine that I like to read and learn about it! It shows passion and drive! This could even be a sign of me brig a future activist! Who knows?!

Anyways, thanks for reading. Just thought I'd post a thought while I wad waiting for my shift to start and meanwhile it did kill a little time, I still got another 51 minutes... Shoot me..

Feeling defeated...

This is gonna be another internal post. Probably not too long because I don't really know what everything is until I get it all out. I hate expressing myself generally because it feels like complaining. There are so many people out in the world that are doing better than me. I have a pool, a big house, air hockey, my own room, a piano, a smart phone, etc., and I have the nerve to complain? But that's also why I started this blog. To get my feelings out there instead of always bottling everything inside and creating more destruction in my mind and hopefully not, my heart. So onwards!

These types of mornings pass me by every once in a while. Those mornings of just defeat. Where you feel like nothing has been going right or anything you want to happen is happening. Then you look for things that have gone wrong and let them weigh on you. It might be just me, I doubt it though. I feel a little spoiled when thinking about it actually. Throwing a tantrum because I'm not getting my way. But what's causing this defeat?

I couldn't sleep last night because I was so tired and sore that I kept twisting and turning. Then on top of that, I kept craving cashews. So no sleep. Then I bought my mother flowers last night. Just to tell her I loved her. What happens? She isn't coming home today. So now the flowers might not look as good by the time she sees them. Next, my mom gives us a coupon for the China buffet and I wanna go out to eat. The bros can't/ font feel like going. Everytime I try to make plans, they never work out because of that, but when everybody else wants to make plans, I'ma dick or It's my fault if I don't follow through. Same with six flags, I'm the only one tryna make these plans telling everyone to take off and they got a billion and one things. Next, there's nothing for breakfast. I planned on eating a steak sandwich, but there was only enough bread to make one.

With all that stuff going on, the only thing that comes to mind is, nothing is going right. Along with the terrible morning, I'm reminded that it is pride weekend and I can't go. I have to stay home and work... Closeted. I can't wear my rainbow bandana or suspenders or even buy ne a new pair. All over Instagram people are celebrating who they are and I can't. If nothing could go right this morning, why couldn't I at least be able to go to that?

It's also P-town this weekend. And all I'm gonna see is the big bear gatherings on instagram. How I missed out on all the insta meet and greets. How I don't get to party and drink. How I missed out on creating a bromance or brocubs or even a husbear.

On top of that, I'm reminded that I'm single. That I'm lonely. My bros have their girlfriends this weekend. They can kiss and act all lovely dovey and text all day while I sit in lonely despair. I have no cuddle buddy this weekend or anybody to share my happiness in the end of doma. Everyone else has got plans except me. Everyone's got somebody... Except me.

So now I get to eat my breakfast all alone, while watching digimon and get ready for another shift at work when I could be preparing for pride or even a good dinner tonight. Sorry for the story of defeat this morning everyone. I hope at least you're having a good weekend. Thanks for reading. Happy pride everyone!

~Be Breezy~

I'm Mr. Lonely

I hate this feeling. The feeling of being alone. Of the jealousy that burns behind my outer doors of emotions. Of feeling unloved...

Being in high school, you never escape the conversation of love, relationships, or crushes. That is the main topic of conversation, and it always has been. Life pretty much revolves around your love life. If you're in a long term relationship, you make decisions for "us", everything might be done for "we" and has be okay with both of us.

If you're in a relationship that just started, usually the world will revolve around it in conversation. You will want to talk about the new relationship, you will hear people say " Oh, you guys are so cute!" And have people asking how the relationship is. You share stories, they share stories, you vent, they vent; the word keeps spinning.

Lastly, but usually always forgotten, the singles. You would think that being single, your world wouldn't revolve around relationships... Unless you are newly single. When single, all you ever see and notice are other couples, the love notes being passed, the rumors getting spread, and how many lonely nights you face. People in relationships conversate with you about relationships, generally theirs, and they don't give a second thought about how you may be feeling about it.

That's what I mean by forgotten, that and being left with no plans because your "friend" decided to make plans over yours and go out with their partner and expect you to be ok. *annoyed face here* I can't say that that situation has happened to me a lot, but its happened. The part about people conversing about relationships to me knowing I've been single pretty much my whole damn life and not considering my feelings happens all the time. I know people can't read my mind and It's hard to read people when they put on a front, but some things are kind of common sense. A gay teenager who just came out about a year ago and has never had a real relationship has GOT to be lonely, of at least feel lonely. And all I want is someone to consider those odds and maybe just offer a little comfort. They don't need to know I'm lonely, but just a little kind reminder that I'll find someone. Usually, I have to remind myself that.

But I can't blame myself for feeling lonely. I haven't dated anyone since last year. And that was a girl! I've never dated a guy, so that true relationship feeling for me, has never been there. I used to talk to a guy, I mean talk, but that was not since the end of '12 and it wasn't even serious. In my 16 years of life, I have yet to feel like my love has been reciprocated in a loving relationship. And after a while, it starts to add up.

This was part of my movement into coming out. I am a very loving person and I wear my heart on my sleeves, so love is a big thing for me. When I was 13 and in my freshman year of high school, my loneliness was catching up to me. My grades were dropping in all my classes, my attitude towards people really started turning, and I got in trouble for snapping at teachers constantly. I was tired of the feeling by sophomore year, so I was urged to come out, as it may help me in my journey to find love. It didn't, but it helped some other parts of me. With my coming out, I did get a few messages from a few guys, but none were boyfriend material or even my type.

People say I'm picky, but I think I just know what I want. I generally like what is called a bear/cub. These types of guys are hairier, chubbier, and a lot more cuddly than most other guys. I don't require that a guy be a cub, but It's always a plus.

I loathe for the touch of a man. The heavy warm touch that they bring. The fur covering his body. To stroke my hands through his short hair. Stroke his scruffy beard. I yearn for the moment when I can wrap my arms around a thick bellied cub with fur down his chest down to where the sun don't shine and just cuddle with him and rub his chest. To feel his muscle and his strong arms wrap around my waste or my neck as he kisses me passionately. To feel the little scruff of a mustache and beard when his lips touch mine. His big heavy hands running all over my body. The touch of a man is unforgettable, and for me seems unattainable.

I just want someone to hold and someone to hold me. I want somebody to cuddle with in the cold or during a movie or just in relaxation. I want someone to hold hands with and kiss in the corners of the stairwells and when we part ways. Someone to go on double dates and go to amusement parks with and always count on them to sit with me. Someone to allow me to ditch my "friend" because I thought they'd be fine. Someone to say I love you back to me and kiss me passionately. Give me tight hugs. Fight with. Tell me how if I were to live for 100 days, they'd only want to live til the second to last second of my life, so they wouldn't live a moment without me and have to worry about me living without them.

I just want a boyfriend. But until then, I must try to keep a smile on my face and in my heart and remain patient, for my time shall come. Thanks for listening!

~Be Breezy!~

Community

Community, that group of people with like minds that we all seek so we feel a little less judged. In a community, there are people who are generally in the same situation. Whether it is a neighborhood filled with houses that are similar in income situation and wants for being there, or in personality. The black community, Asian community, anime community, gay community, LGBT community, Facebook communities, or in my case, the bear community. The main important thing that is there for mostly every community, is acceptance. Something everyone deserves.

This is something that everyone deserves and should have, but sadly that's not how things are. I am in an area where there isn't much community for who I am. I feel like I am alone in this town and no one understands. I'm lacking that sense of community... That sense of acceptance.

The community that I take part in, or fall into, is the bear community. A bear is defined as a gay guy that is generally a little more masculine, a little on the heavier side, and very hairy. And sometimes even older, but I don't include that sometimes. Then with the bear comes a cub. Which is what I fall into. A cub is just a younger and more playful version of a bear. Also could be the more submissive in a bear/cub relationship, but not always.

This community is misjudged as a whole already, so I think to be without that sense of community there, times can be very lonely and very self judgmental. Bears and cubs are not really the "norm" when it comes to attraction and whenever it is brought up that a guy like that gets a person going, it usually makes the person on the other side get going on their merry way. They are sometimes shunned by their very own gay brothers. I always felt it was the hardest thing to come out as gay, but I was wrong.

I came out in school at the beginning of the second semester of my sophomore year in high school. I had so many struggles with who was gonna turn away and who would still be my friend and just change in general. But once I made that leap and found out there was nothing for me to fear, I noticed a new thing to fear. My second coming out. Not only do I like guys, but I don't like those skinny A-list gay guys that are over the top flamboyant and where make up and manscape. I like big burly men with hairy chests, a belly, and scruffy beards. I like my guys with some depth to them. I even like it when guys have love handles. So you see where my second closet door is.

And just like being gay, being a cub and liking bears is not something that is easy to take in. I remember when my bro found out that I liked bears... I was TERRIFIED!!! But just as he expected, I played it cool and brushed it off. But that doesn't escape me from the fear of everyone else knowing. I told one of my best friends for years about my attraction to bears maybe 4 years after I told him I was gay... And I did that over MySpace! It was like pulling teeth, and it was just as uncomfortable as coming out the first time. But I made the leap and now a couple of my closest friends know.
But again, that doesn't help me get it out. I've managed to get up the courage to like bear photos and follow bears on my instagram knowing that people can see that. But I still lie on occasion about what kind of guys I like. But it all comes from lack of acceptance, which can only be resolved (at least in my case) by community.

With community, I can converse with other bears and cubs and get myself to open up about my attraction and become more comfortable with myself. It can be so lonely being the only cub around and not getting to talk about it. And even worse, I don't want to talk about it even when people try and see because of the rejection that I'm scared of occurring. I'm afraid that people will be disgusted and give me a cold shoulder and never talk about anything gay ever again.

I long for the experience of a bear event. To be with a bunch of people who know me, have been me, who understand me. And I know people feel like this all the time. I just wish it didn't always take so long to fix.
So with this post, let us learn to stop judging people for who they are or what they like. And form one big community of love and acceptance. Thanks for listening!
~Be Breezy~