The Hunt For A Gay Best Friend

When I was 16, which feels like YEARS ago, I began this blog to document who I was and how I was feeling. My posts reflected my fay to day interactions with people and their ignorance, my parents and their ignorance, and my internal struggles with love and loneliness. In one of my first posts, I wrote about community and how it can effect people. I also wrote another post talking about the public's right to know if you're gay, to help create community. Recently, those posts have been racing through my mind constantly.

As most of you know, I no longer struggle with a life without love. I have been in a relationship for almost a year and a half, and I couldn't be happier. I have someone to love, kiss, hold, cuddle, etc. But that's not all I want. What I would like is to have that group of friends where we share that common feature: being gay.

About a week ago (cue song and dance) I was talking to Kyle, the boyfriend, about making other gay friends. We have friends that consist of my brother and our mutual best friend, and two of his clients. I also have my friends, who I admit I rarely ever get to see these days, that I made through my previous job that I love very much, but from this point of view, it just doesn't seem the same. The problem is I won't know until I actually have another gay friend. One with similar interests and that I can just hang out with.

I told him that I had created a scruff, gay app, to meet other gay people. He made a joke about it the night before I made one, so it had actually got me thinking. Those apps aren't solely for dating! People go on there all the time just to meet different people! Granted there are a lot of guys on there who just want to have sex and date, but there are people on there that just want to meet other gay guys to hang around. Unfortunately, I deleted it because I felt that Kyle wasn't approving of it and felt some type of way, whether he wanted to admit to it or not. I felt guilty about it from the start because I knew that that's how a lot of other gay guys just found hook ups. Sadly, that's what most of the guys on there were looking for; if it wasn't about dick, then you weren't it.

But if that's the case, how's another gay guy to meet another gay guy with similar interests? I wish I could say I could just go to clubs or the bars, but I haven't reached that stage in my life yet. I thought being 18 was going to be fucking great! I could get into clubs, go to strip clubs, I'm a legal age, etc. NOPE. I can smoke and that's it for the most part. Nowadays, night life prefers people to be 21 to enter so they don't need to worry about illegal alcohol consumption. JUST. MY. LUCK.

I wish I could say that I could just walk up to people and have a conversation, but even that's just not as easy anymore. For one thing, it's hard enough to even find out if someone is gay! Sometimes you get a very accurate guess, however, that is all it is - a guess. What if you're wrong?  Then what? Awkward pause and then pray to God that you can play that shit the fuck off! Then you've just got a wierd story to tell everytime you see the guy.

I even really suck with picking out if someone is gay! I couldn't tell my coworker was gay until he said and then when he did, it all can into perspective! Sometimes just looking for stereotypes isn't the trick. Most people can't determine if I'm gay because I don't follow a lot of those stereotypes. I don't have a high pitched voice, the gay lisp, walk with a strut, dress any different than any other guy, or talk with my hands. I actually put on a gay front, if you will, to actually give people an incite that I'm gay. I act very over the top excited, say phrases like "Hey girl, hey!" To everyone, and say things like "hair flip" or quote Beyonce. Sometimes I'll even wear my pride bracelet to let people in a bigger incite incase they don't catch those hints.

I don't hide any of those features because I think about how it would affect me if I saw another guy doing that. My stomach would drop due to excitement, my heart would lunge for the connection, and my brain would scramble due to the series of interactions that occur. I would be overly estatic if I seen that because that would mean another opportunity to meet someone else like me, more so because I actually enjoy being like that. I would hope that even if they weren't out of the closet, they could find trust in me to have that conversation with me and I pick up on it. After all, that's all I ever wanted growing up.

What makes me most upset, is the fact that I have seen a generous amount of gay people lately, of course while I'm at work, and they're just so rude. They may not even be rude, but they are just outright sassy, and don't care. It's as if they give me that same look our entire community has been given just for being gay. It's almost like a look of "I don't have time for you or your silly questions or gaymes. I figured it out by myself, so can you." I know that look because I've seen it in my boyfriend. I know that look because at one point I had given it in one way or another.

What ever happened to being there for each other? What happened to just stopping for a moment and talking? Why does it seem so impossible to build a relationship with someone else so like you, but easier to dismiss them because you don't want to be bothered? Probably two weeks ago, I was at work where I see this guy every couple of nights and my "gaydar" goes off. He was a cute cub. he looked like a really cool and sweet genuine guy. Minutes later, I see him at the deli counter ordering and holding his boyfriend. Briefly, I see them share a kiss. It warmed my heart to see because naturally I feel like I'm the only gay guy for miles. But I know I'm not because my boyfriend is with me, making us the only two gay guys for miles, which can be very challenging for me at times because it makes me feel as though all eyes are on us and it makes me feel a little vulnerable. 
After they are done at the deli, they walk into the produce department, my department. At this point, my heart is racing. I'm ties between just not saying anything at all because I'm afraid of the rejection and how wierd it may come off, or being genuine and telling them how I really felt about it. What actually scared me was the thought of them being how my boyfriend would react if someone had complimented us. One time (what?! Another story while telling another one? Yeah, I'm trying something new.) me and Kyle were walking down the Jersey shore boardwalk hand in hand and another guy broke away from his group of friends and came over to tell us that we were the cutest couple and that he was happy for us. I genuinely said thank you and told him how much I appreciated it, but was kind of cut off by my boyfriend giving him a brief "uh-huh, thanks" and kept moving. Kyle solely thought the guy was just being a dick, but I thought the better of him.

It even happened while we were on vacation that another guy came over to talk to us just because we were gay and he wanted to express that it didn't matter and that his brother was gay. Kyle acted a little more genuine and continued talking, but he still wasn't very approving of what went on. He absolutely hates it when people just talk to us to give us their verification, as if we need it. However, I enjoy it. It shows me that the world is changing. Not all of us actually get to see it. He works in a profession that is very gay friendly - I do not. As of right now, I work in a grocery store in the produce department; no one is expecting me to be gay. I don't get to see the friendlier side of people with that all the time. Most of the time, I get the crazy older generation complain about us. It's nice to hear other straight people go out of their way to compliment us, because it is truly a compliment.

Back to the original story, I decided that I want to tell the couple how I felt about their kiss. I thought of it in my own shoes, I enjoy hearing that and it warms my heart, who's to say that they won't feel the same way? The cute cub did. As soon as I started talking, he cut me off and said "uh-huh, thanks." I had gotten halfway through the sentence to where I had saw the kiss and I thought it was cute and he just brushed me off and kept walking. He hardly acknowledged me; part of me thinks that he was half scared of what I was going to say so he just darted off because he didn't want to hear anything bad, but that would be me thinking the better of people. I know why he walked away.

That gave him a very bad look in my book. What is so bad about just accepting a compliment and building upon that? Honestly, it made him seem very sassy and rude, which is what I'm sure those people thought of Kyle whenever he dismissed them like that. Sad thing is he doesn't care, and neither do other guys who do this. They don't care how it comes off or what it does. I think about those repercussions and take them very seriously, mainly because they do not do us justice.

What they do is reinforce a stereotype. They reinforce the idea that we are very sassy and rude. That we believe ourselves to be above everyone and are uppity. That we don't want anything to do with the rest of the world unless it benefits us. I don't want to be looked at that way, and I certainly don't want to be referred to in that manner. Main thing is, he never even got to truly hear what I had to say, and now, he probably never will. He may not have known that I was gay, too, but would it have mattered if I was? To me, it should.

I believe you should want to make connections with people who share your community. Why not build and form a friendship? Some strong sensibility that makes us as gay people stronger. Who wouldn't want that? The black community does. That's why they formed together to create their own channel, their own movements, their own traditions. The 99 percent does. That's why they create their own marches, speeches, and outreach programs. The art community. That's why they have art shows, art sales, and contests. Why shouldn't we follow that example? More so, why shouldn't we branch out that community to our straight allies? They are who's votes truly mean a lot. They are our friends, our family, our neighbors, and our government. Why wouldn't you want to give them the opportunity to see who we truly are? Some people may not think a lot of this, but I do. And I think it's important.

I'm still on the hunt for a gay best friend. Someone just to hang out with. Go get dinner, work out with, be athletic with, etc.  I would prefer someone who was a part of the bear community as well, but being a part of the gay community is just as good. With this post, please remember that every interaction leaves a mark. Let's not leave a bad one.

~Be Breezy ~

Everything is gay

So I'm in target right now and I was just browsing around and I walk upon the book section. I had been telling myself for a while that I wanted to get myself into more reading. It just seems distinguishing, fun, and relaxing. But if I were to start reading, it would have to be something I'm interested in. Only one thing comes to mind... A little while ago I was searching for books to read and again, only one thing of interest came to mind.

A little while ago I wrote a post called Why is it always the gay where I explained how everything bad that happens to me I happen to blame on being gay. I think I found a little bit of an answer to that. I think It's more than just I'm blaming my bad luck on my homosexuality, the only thing I'm really interested in is homosexuality! Everywhere I go, that is the main thing on my mind. It's almost like I have an obsession with it.

I don't know what it is about being gay. I am just so fathomized by it. The stories on how people figured out who they were. The rejections, the acceptions, the coming process in general! It's one thing that I am attracted to guys and all I can think about is guys, but I feel the need to involve it in my everyday life. The people I watched on YouTube when I was first coming out used to say being gay is just a little piece of you. It is not everything about you. For me It's the opposite! It's a huge part of me! Shapes my character, who I wanna be around, who wants to be around me, my thought process, and my social conversation.

I try not to talk about it a lot because I know a lot of other people don't care nor do they wanna hear about it, but truth is, I love talking about it! I love writing, learning, and reading anything that has to do with it! Not even a lot of gay people like talking about it that much. They feel it is just a little piece that they just glide on over. But me, It's more than just that. It is a huge part of my interests. Like I said, it shapes who I am as a person right now.

Is this a problem? I guess the answer's yes and no. Everyone has their obsession and mines happens to be my sexuality. But I can't let it be everything about me because that's how you turn people away. If some people don't want to hear it, I just have to respect that and move on. But it is an interest of mine and it's fine that I like to read and learn about it! It shows passion and drive! This could even be a sign of me brig a future activist! Who knows?!

Anyways, thanks for reading. Just thought I'd post a thought while I wad waiting for my shift to start and meanwhile it did kill a little time, I still got another 51 minutes... Shoot me..

Pride

Pride. The feeling of pleasure in one's own achievements. To feel proud of one's self. Today, I am missing the pride parade in New York City. While everyone one is out partaking in this celebration of who they are, I am staying home in the closet baby sitting and working. It really upsets me to be missing this celebration because we have even more to celebrate! The Defense of Marriage Act was named unconstitutional and marriage equality is now brought into California. So not only do we get the chance to celebrate who we are, we get to celebrate another step closer to true equality. But going to pride is a lot more than just a celebration to me. For me, it goes much deeper than that.

I am closeted at home. So I have no way of really being who I am. I can't walk around with rainbows on and throw myself out very flamboyantly. I can't scream out "I'm gay" and feel happy. I won't have that feeling of safety amongst my gay community. I won't have that feeling of community around me.

At the parade, I could hang out with my cousins and rejoice in celebration. I could wear my rainbow suspenders and bandana with pride. I can kiss another guy in pure happiness without having to fear anything. I can dance to all the music that's playing. I could feel safe amongst my gay family. I could mingle amongst more gay people and make some longtime friends.

For me, pride is an opportunity to be as flamboyant as I want and wear as many rainbows as I can without feeling self conscious. It is a place to feel like I belong somewhere. Out here, I don't have that feeling. I don't have many gay friends and I don't like wearing my rainbows all the time because I feel as though I'm throwing it out there. Pride is my opportunity to be proud if who I am, which isn't always easy to do.

I just recently started being able to admit that I like bears. Before, I thought it was something i had to hide. I was ashamed of it. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone because I wasn't ok with it... But now I have started taking pride into that part of me. I have learned that it was ok to like other bears and that there are others like me. This is something to celebrate. The ability to feel happy about who I am.

Over all, I hope everyone has a great time at the pride parade. I wish I could take part in the celebration, but things just didn't seem to work out in that way. Thanks for reading! Happy pride!

Who am I?

This is a question that plagues a lot of us, especially in the LGBT community. Life bring everyone on a unique journey that includes tons of different trials to shape who you are as a person. But as life goes on, do you ever really know who you really are? After all, your life isn't over, so therefore there are experiences that have yet to shape you, which lead us to the question of "who am I?"

I said especially for the LGBT community because there is a whole other side of us that we are to discover, which is very personal and very internal. This question haunts us because it is not something most of us could discover openly and freely. This question is stunted by society. Some people hate LGBT people, therefore putting people in fear of exploring themselves. People fear LGBT people and this fear results in the destruction of the mind.

LGBT people must learn to overcome these factors before they can ever really explore themselves. This is exactly what plagues me. My closet door disallows me to explore myself openly. I have not been able to date any guys because I am not completely open, but also because of the area I am in. I am disassociated with my type of guys which also brings my journey of who I am to a standstill.

But I can not put all the blame of my standstill on my surroundings, because I am partially to blame. I feel as though I came out too early and thus brought me to fear of telling people otherwise who exactly I am. Also, I feel as though I was influenced by what I had been seeing and I wanted to be something that I wasn't and it made it harder for me to except the fact that I wasn't because of the happiness it brought others. With that feeling, I ran and I rushed myself to come out before ever being really sure I was gay. I compared myself to others thinking maybe I was just like them when I had my own story I needed to figure out. I don't know how I feel about women now.

Beforehand, I never was attracted to girls as much as I was guys. I would never search for them on porn sites, imagined them in my sexual fantasies, or wanted to spend the rest of my life with one. I had had a couple of girlfriends when I was younger, but I only did that because of what society had taught me. I didn't even have my first kiss with a girl until my sophmore year in high school, and I was almost completely fine with that.

I had never been sexually aroused by women. The thought of a naked women usually always gave me the shivers. Now, I was exposed to porn at a very young age, so I don't know if that could have done something to my sexual development or what, but I do remember paying a lot more attention to the men in the porn than the women. I was even brought into my first sexual experience at a very young age as well, but I had no idea what I was doing; I just knew I liked it. It was with another young boy around the same age as me. I must have been 6 when we slept in the same bed and he had started touching me and I touched him back and things started going on their own. He was two years older than me, so he probably new more of what was going on than I did. Could that have messed with my sexual development?

I had never had an experience like that with a girl, and just like the kiss, I was completely ok with that. The closest I had ever gotten to a sexual experience with a girl was my first girlfriend back in 6th grade, back when I was ten and I couldn't care less about girls. But I certainly paid guys some attention! Mr and my gf at the time would have pretty much phone sex asking what ifs and what would you do's. Which would then lead on to us hanging up and me going into the shower to go "relieve myself" while thinking about guys.

So with all these experiences and thoughts, you would think It's pretty clear cut that I'm gay, but what about now? Now when I see a pretty girl, I acknowledge she's pretty, look at her ass, and move on. I talk to a lot of pretty girls, flirt a bit, and I get some kind of feeling... But I just can't decipher what this feeling is. I still am disgusted by a naked female, so what is this that I'm feeling? Is it loneliness? Why is it that I feel the need to flirt with girls sometimes and kiss them, when I generally only feel this towards men?

Does this mean I'm bisexual? I don't know, I guess that depends on your meaning behind each sexuality. I personally feel as though sexuality depicts on sexual feelings and love. If you can fall in love with the same sex or opposite sex or both and are physically attracted, you are clear cut gay, straight or bi. So where does that leave me?

There was this theory I heard of where no one is 100% one-sided when it comes to sexuality. That's when the influences started pushing on me that I was gay and somewhere in that spectrum of "in-between". And then I had read Ricky Martin's book where he explains how he could be attracted by a woman, but he could never be with a woman for the rest of his life and I compared that to myself and ran with it. Lastly, I found the depfox family on YouTube and thought, if I was gay, that could be my future and had it set in stone that I was gay.

But is that really who I am? What if those early sexual experiences and exposals had fooled me? What if it had messed me up? I won't even be able to experiment with women now that I am out as a gay man and the fear of taking that back stunts me from exploring a true answer.

This fear will plague me until I move away, which who know when that will be. The fear of coming out again. The fear of saying I was wrong. The fear of looki g stupid because it took me so long to figure out who I am. A fear I can not bare to withstand.

So I am plagued with the question of who am I. Always wondering if I am who people think I am or if I'm somebody else. Always wondering when I will find out or what will be the final journey to give me the answer. Always wondering when I will be able to be confident in who I am and not have to worry about this anymore.

Who had done this to me? My parents? God? My past? Society? Me? Maybe, but I'll find the answer. I just gotta wait out to an opportunity to take another path to another journey. Society got me here, and I let it. Thanks for listening guys, have a great night!

~Be Breezy!~

Crushes

Crushes. We all have them. I remember being a little kid in elementary school and everyone gave out little notes to their crushes and would hold hands. Friends would converse about who they were crushing on and so on.

I always hated getting crushes. I am a very loving and heartft person and I fall hard sometimes so it never really leaves me feeling good. I always felt I experienced the true mean of crushing. In elementary school I crushed on three girls, shockingly, but nothing serious. It was more forced upon if anything, but all they ended up being was crushes and left me feeling crushed. They all knew, of course that's how it works when you're young, and none of them reciprocated my feelings so I was left crushless.

The next time I really crushed on another peer was in my freshman year. I was just figuring out that I was gay, and at the time I was out to very little of my friends and hardly myself, but as a bisexual. In my first semester I crushed in this straight cub in my last block class. Like I said, I crush hard so I thought about this kid night and day and all through the day. I would day dream about how the perfect relationship between the two of us would be like and the amazing times we would have.

I usually have this experience with all of the guys I crush on. I gas it up in my head and fill my head up with all these fantasies getting myself more attached even though I know it isn't going to happen. Then, of course, leads to my soft-hearted ass left hurt. It never manages to fail. But I can't help it, never being in a real loving relationship, I can't help but fantasize about it.

And that's why I hate having a crush on a guy. It ALWAYS turns out to be on some guy I can't be with because of some circumstance. The guy I crushed on freshman year, both of them, both straight. Crushed on one of my closest friends my sophomore year, straight and a good friend. And lastly, which I always seem to get, crushes on teachers.

I have two teachers this semester who just so happen to really fit the "bear" persona and I can't help it as a gay cub to be attracted to it. My chemistry teacher is short, white, short brown hair, brown beard, really cute blue eyes, and a big belly. I have the biggest crush on him just because of his bear persona! It also doesn't help that he's funny and kind too. I can't help but watch his small little round body girate across the classroom and hope for the occasion where he wears a small shirt and lifts up his arms and I can sneak a peak at his belly.

Another teacher is my photography teacher. He's a cute young cub with a big belly, short dirty blonde beard and hair, nice green eyes, short stocky stature, and a soft voice. Sadly, he doesn't wear shirts that are never tucked in so I doubt I'll get to sneak a peak at his belly or his back.

But with all these crushes comes the unrealistic fantasies that will never happen and only leave me feeling lonely. And with that, it makes it a little awkward to be around them because they don't see me in the same view and I can only focus on their cuteness. Which is why I hate crushes. They only remind me of how lonely I am and how I yearn for affection.

That's all for tonight, thanks for reading. Hope everyone enjoyed their day without a big struggle from society.
~Be Breezy!~

Community

Community, that group of people with like minds that we all seek so we feel a little less judged. In a community, there are people who are generally in the same situation. Whether it is a neighborhood filled with houses that are similar in income situation and wants for being there, or in personality. The black community, Asian community, anime community, gay community, LGBT community, Facebook communities, or in my case, the bear community. The main important thing that is there for mostly every community, is acceptance. Something everyone deserves.

This is something that everyone deserves and should have, but sadly that's not how things are. I am in an area where there isn't much community for who I am. I feel like I am alone in this town and no one understands. I'm lacking that sense of community... That sense of acceptance.

The community that I take part in, or fall into, is the bear community. A bear is defined as a gay guy that is generally a little more masculine, a little on the heavier side, and very hairy. And sometimes even older, but I don't include that sometimes. Then with the bear comes a cub. Which is what I fall into. A cub is just a younger and more playful version of a bear. Also could be the more submissive in a bear/cub relationship, but not always.

This community is misjudged as a whole already, so I think to be without that sense of community there, times can be very lonely and very self judgmental. Bears and cubs are not really the "norm" when it comes to attraction and whenever it is brought up that a guy like that gets a person going, it usually makes the person on the other side get going on their merry way. They are sometimes shunned by their very own gay brothers. I always felt it was the hardest thing to come out as gay, but I was wrong.

I came out in school at the beginning of the second semester of my sophomore year in high school. I had so many struggles with who was gonna turn away and who would still be my friend and just change in general. But once I made that leap and found out there was nothing for me to fear, I noticed a new thing to fear. My second coming out. Not only do I like guys, but I don't like those skinny A-list gay guys that are over the top flamboyant and where make up and manscape. I like big burly men with hairy chests, a belly, and scruffy beards. I like my guys with some depth to them. I even like it when guys have love handles. So you see where my second closet door is.

And just like being gay, being a cub and liking bears is not something that is easy to take in. I remember when my bro found out that I liked bears... I was TERRIFIED!!! But just as he expected, I played it cool and brushed it off. But that doesn't escape me from the fear of everyone else knowing. I told one of my best friends for years about my attraction to bears maybe 4 years after I told him I was gay... And I did that over MySpace! It was like pulling teeth, and it was just as uncomfortable as coming out the first time. But I made the leap and now a couple of my closest friends know.
But again, that doesn't help me get it out. I've managed to get up the courage to like bear photos and follow bears on my instagram knowing that people can see that. But I still lie on occasion about what kind of guys I like. But it all comes from lack of acceptance, which can only be resolved (at least in my case) by community.

With community, I can converse with other bears and cubs and get myself to open up about my attraction and become more comfortable with myself. It can be so lonely being the only cub around and not getting to talk about it. And even worse, I don't want to talk about it even when people try and see because of the rejection that I'm scared of occurring. I'm afraid that people will be disgusted and give me a cold shoulder and never talk about anything gay ever again.

I long for the experience of a bear event. To be with a bunch of people who know me, have been me, who understand me. And I know people feel like this all the time. I just wish it didn't always take so long to fix.
So with this post, let us learn to stop judging people for who they are or what they like. And form one big community of love and acceptance. Thanks for listening!
~Be Breezy~