The Public's Right To Know

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in a while, been super busy. But I have been thinking about what to write and what to say. So I haven't left everyone completely hanging. So here is today's post!

Back in my sophomore year in high school, I was in a GSA. In this group, we were making a project and teacher's names were thrown around to help us. I might have asked if there were any gay teachers, but one of the guidance counselors came up. The advisor of our club admitted to us that he was gay. I couldn't believe it, I was truelly astonished. But I couldn't believe it. I still had some misconceptions and stereotypes about being gay that I held with me and couldn't match any with him.

Later on that year, I heard rumors going around that he really was gay. I still couldn't believe it. So I asked him if he was married, which he replied, no I am not married. So again, I stood there in astonishment.

Once I had actually considered in my head that he was gay, I thought so much more of him. Not in a sexual way, but in a fascinated way. I wanted to know so much about him and his story, but I knew he wouldn't talk about it. At that point, I had been left with the idea of him being gay and never a sure answer. So I kind of forgot about it, but everytime I seen him since that year, it always crossed my mind.

I was at a point in my life where I felt like I needed a feeling of understanding, but I couldn't find the type of understanding I wanted from kids, I needed it from people of experience. I wanted to hear those coming out stories that I had watched all night sometimes in person. I wanted to hear that it was going to be ok from someone who actually knew. Someone who had been through it. Someone who knew exactly what I needed.

So a couple of weeks ago, a friend and I were hanging out after school and he came up. My friends said she had seen him with his boyfriend at a restaurant and they were holding hands. At this point I was pissed. Why? Because maybe a couple days before that, I told him about me.

I was in the office just killing time and hanging out as I normally do, and he happened to have had free time which he spent talking to me. Now, this man is not my guidance counselor. I had only known him because he introduced himself to me freshman year to tell me how phenomibal I was as a person. But anyways, we were just talking about our summers and what we did and just random conversation. After a bit of rambling, I brought up how I was planning to move out and why. Like I said, I came out to him, but in more words than it could have been said in. I didn't come straight out with it, I insinuated it; but any person with a brain could figure out what the hell I was talking about!

So when my friend had told me that he was gay, I was a little angry. I had pretty much laid my entire situation out to him and he couldn't tell me anything. I understand coming out is a hard process and a personal one, but if you know what that process is like, why wouldn't you try and help another coming out soul?

Only one part of me is a little peeved. The other part of me understands. If he is gay, maybe he isn't in a place where he feels he could come out and help anyone. But at the same time, I feel like if you're gay, you have a responsibility to help gay youth understand themselves or help guide them, or if you are in the same place, at least let each other know that you are not alone.

For years I had been looking for someone to relate to. Someone who had been in my position and could just give me a hug and let me know everything was going to be alright. All the weird conversations and weird feelings, they won't be there anymore. Even if they do happen to appear, they won't hurt as much because they aren't as strong as they used to be. That love was going to be knocking on my door. That my family wouldn't leave or react to badly. That I would meet many people like me that I could connect me.

This is an argument a lot of gay people have towards celebrities. One of whom was Anderson Cooper. Everyone knew for years that he was gay, but didn't have assurance and therefore, a lot of stereotypes hadn't been broken. A lot of those years, there were fights and campaigns he could've been helping fight and push, but didn't. It almost made it seem like he was ashamed of being gay. Him and all the other gay celebrities like Jodie Foster and Jane Lynch. Is that the message that you really want to send to gay youth? That your job is more important than who you are and what you stand for? That you should have to hide who you are because your job place isn't accepting of it? Yes, you will have to give some things up for work, but in a public position, you should want to help. Your coming out could stop that child who had been pushed to his last nerve and ready to jump realize that he is not alone. You could give that kid who felt like he couldn't make it as a reporter or a basketball player or a football player so he decided to give up on everything, the hope that he had been looking for.

Me, being who I am, decided to come out sophomore year. Not only because I was tired of hiding and wanted to find someone, but also to help tear down some of these misconceptions and stereotypes about being gay that everyone thought was true. I am gay and black. A lot of people expected me to be feminine, dress in women's clothing, wear make up, etc. But since I came out, a lot of people who thought that had their view broadened. Why wouldn't anyone want to help with that? It's not hard. All you have to do is speak up.

All I had to was admit who I was to people and then be myself. That's all you have to do sometimes. Sometimes, It's just giving a hug to help people. In this case, all you had to do was be honest. I asked him in the hallway one day in passing, but didn't come straight out with it and he told me he wasn't, but he knew people that were.

I felt horrible because if he wasn't, then I had been having all these mean thoughts and stuff about him for no reason and he had been doing exactly what I wanted, to be honest. But if he was lying, I feel bad because I made him worry about if he was doing a good job of hiding. I wanted to apologize, but I couldn't get up the courage.. I might have pushed his coming out further back than what it wad going to be. All because I was being selfish.

I had wanted help on who I was and wanted someone to relate to me, but I was so frustrated that I hadn't considered the fact that he was in the closet. I know what that's like, to try and fit in, but being seen right through as if you were a diary being hidden behind a window. To try and be something you're not and have it knocked right down.

But I still think in that circumstance, he could have admitted it because I had already admitted it to him that I was gay, so I could've related to him too. But what do you think? Should a person in the public eye have a responsibility to come out? Why and why not? I'd really like to know and all questions  and responses are welcome.

I hope everyone is having a great thanksgiving break and has happy holidays. Hopefully I could get another post out before Christmas. Right now this cub is off to work. Hope everyone is well! Take care!

~Be Breezy!~

Ashamed or Scared?

Have you ever thought about why people lie? We all hate being lied to and most hate having to come up with a good excuse. In my opinion, people lie when they don't want people to know something about them because they're ashamed of a certain part of them or their scared of what people will think of them afterwards.

In the gay community, a trending lie is during the coming out process. We lie everyday before coming out because we are either ashamed of what we are or scared of what people will think of us. Before I came out, I was terrified of what anyone would think of me. I lied because I wanted to keep my friends and family around. Even now I still lie sometimes about the kind of guys I like. I used to lie because I was ashamed of what I was into and scared on top of that. And I still am a little scared of what people will think of me afterwards.

But I have held onto a lie much longer than I should have. I wish I would have killed it off once I started coming out, but I didn't. And now I converse with some of my closest friends with the knowledge that I must keep up with this lie or be exposed as a fraud.

The lie I have assumed was having sex with a female. Why do I continue this lie? I am not ashamed of being gay or scared of what people will think. Some people already know that I have never had sex with a girl, so why do I lie to some of my closer friends? I know how they would react and I have had plenty of chances to admit to them the truth, but a part of me hold on to that lie...

But why? There is nothing wrong with being a gold star gay, in fact, most other gay guys like that. Maybe there is a part of me that still wishes that I was straight and that was my way of proving I'm not entirely different or to ensure my homosexuality. But I am going to break this lying barrier today. Society will no longer hold me back from the truth. Thanks for listening everyone and don't let yourself get tied up in lies. The truth will set you free.

~Be Breezy~

Crushes

Crushes. We all have them. I remember being a little kid in elementary school and everyone gave out little notes to their crushes and would hold hands. Friends would converse about who they were crushing on and so on.

I always hated getting crushes. I am a very loving and heartft person and I fall hard sometimes so it never really leaves me feeling good. I always felt I experienced the true mean of crushing. In elementary school I crushed on three girls, shockingly, but nothing serious. It was more forced upon if anything, but all they ended up being was crushes and left me feeling crushed. They all knew, of course that's how it works when you're young, and none of them reciprocated my feelings so I was left crushless.

The next time I really crushed on another peer was in my freshman year. I was just figuring out that I was gay, and at the time I was out to very little of my friends and hardly myself, but as a bisexual. In my first semester I crushed in this straight cub in my last block class. Like I said, I crush hard so I thought about this kid night and day and all through the day. I would day dream about how the perfect relationship between the two of us would be like and the amazing times we would have.

I usually have this experience with all of the guys I crush on. I gas it up in my head and fill my head up with all these fantasies getting myself more attached even though I know it isn't going to happen. Then, of course, leads to my soft-hearted ass left hurt. It never manages to fail. But I can't help it, never being in a real loving relationship, I can't help but fantasize about it.

And that's why I hate having a crush on a guy. It ALWAYS turns out to be on some guy I can't be with because of some circumstance. The guy I crushed on freshman year, both of them, both straight. Crushed on one of my closest friends my sophomore year, straight and a good friend. And lastly, which I always seem to get, crushes on teachers.

I have two teachers this semester who just so happen to really fit the "bear" persona and I can't help it as a gay cub to be attracted to it. My chemistry teacher is short, white, short brown hair, brown beard, really cute blue eyes, and a big belly. I have the biggest crush on him just because of his bear persona! It also doesn't help that he's funny and kind too. I can't help but watch his small little round body girate across the classroom and hope for the occasion where he wears a small shirt and lifts up his arms and I can sneak a peak at his belly.

Another teacher is my photography teacher. He's a cute young cub with a big belly, short dirty blonde beard and hair, nice green eyes, short stocky stature, and a soft voice. Sadly, he doesn't wear shirts that are never tucked in so I doubt I'll get to sneak a peak at his belly or his back.

But with all these crushes comes the unrealistic fantasies that will never happen and only leave me feeling lonely. And with that, it makes it a little awkward to be around them because they don't see me in the same view and I can only focus on their cuteness. Which is why I hate crushes. They only remind me of how lonely I am and how I yearn for affection.

That's all for tonight, thanks for reading. Hope everyone enjoyed their day without a big struggle from society.
~Be Breezy!~

Insult or Culture

So this is something that just came across to me yesterday. It never really crossed my mind until it clicked with a teacher. Why is it that being called "gay" is seen as an insult? I understand it if you're firm in your answer and not wanting to be claimed as something your not, but why take offence? Should I take offence for you taking offence? After all, I am gay, so if you're taking being gay as a bad thing, then I should be insulted for claiming I'm a bad thing.

This kind of also ties in with my last post, "The Power Of Slurs" because of the negative power given to the word "gay". Gay is seen as such a bad thing because of its supposed conflict with the bible. Everyone has heard it before: "In the bible it clearly states that a man shall not lie with another man." But I have heard contrary! From different priests and ministers, I've heard how the bible was written so long ago that it couldn't have been talking about homosexuality because it wasn't even acknowledged back then.

What brought this to the light was my experience yesterday in my chemistry class my teacher was joking about how I laugh at everything and that I'm a very cheerful and happy person. And through the list of adjectives describing how happy and cheerful I was, my friend brought out the adjective gay. Now, I am out in school and I couldn't care less that he called me gay; everyone had known anyways and if they didn't, they were bound to find out sooner or later. Furthermore, he made it very clear that he meant gay in the sense of being happy, so I really didn't care, actually I laughed at the irony of it.

The problem occurred when my teacher questioned it... He gave the look a person would give of why did you just say/do that to my friend and questioned why he would say that as if my friend was calling me gay in an ironic offensive way. Now I am in now way offended or mad at what my teacher did because he was doing what he felt was right and protected the word in its culture.

The problem crossed my mind that he fought against my friend because he assumed the word "gay" was an insult. Gay is not nor should be portrayed in an offensive way. It is a culture of love, not a slang slur that you can use to demean others. After acknowledging this epiphany, I kind of feel offended! It's just like the situation when someone calls a situation gay because it does not go in their favor.

Society gave the word "gay" to the homosexuals because we were portrayed as overly happy. Which I am ok, because I am a very happy person and that is not an insult at any standpoint. It is now when society is starting to coin gay as being stupid and therefore calling me stupid in a certain circumstance. That's where I start feeling a little offended.

I am in no way unhappy about being gay. I love my attraction towards men and don't see how it can be used as an insult as it is just another form of love. It's just like being called a faggot. Now that society has linked the word faggot with the word gay, why should I feel offended for being something that I am; in its new meaning of course.

But maybe I'm being too sensitive about it... After all, some people don't get offended when you call an act of someone "niggerish" or "white". They are cultures as well, but they don't get quite offended. Maybe It's because they are accepted now. Maybe It's because we are still fighting through the hate and ignorance that surrounds our community that it is so focused on.

I'm not exactly sure why. So I open it up to my readers and society. Why is it that a culture that is formed completely of love and has the same morals as the straight community can be seen as an insult or an act of stupidity? I don't know if I beat society on this one, but I damn sure an on my way to beating it! Thanks for reading this cub's view on this. Please feel free to comment and add your thoughts, I am always happy to hear. Have a great day everyone!

~Be Breezy!~

The Power Of Slurs

Slurs, we all know them. They are within every community and there is one for EVERY community. For the black community there's nigger, slave, "help", for Asians it might be chinks, for white people there's honkey, for straight people there's breeders, religious communities bible thumper, and for the LGBT community, there's dyke, tranny, and faggot.

These slurs were always used to demean and insult people. As a black person, when you were called a nigger, you were being referred to as lower class. You were dirt. It was something that would potentially start a fight.

Nowadays, the power to the word "nigger" has been taken away... To a certain degree. Now, people use the word constantly, but used in a different way. They may argue that their saying "nigga" and not "nigger" being that there is a difference. But today, there is, isn't there?

When someone says "nigga", they generally don't mean harm and only mean another word such as bro, or people. Black people have turned that slur, nigger, into and everyday word where not many are offended by it. When people say "nigger" it is often used as a joke or to start a fight because they are using it in the meaning of a lower class person and dirt.

This used to be a word that I would refrain from using. When I was younger, I saw the word as one thing, a slur. The word wasn't funny, and it didn't describe me. But since I have grown up, I have become more loose about the word. In fact, I find myself saying it often. Where had my feelings about this word disappeared to? What made them change? Power.

I realized that the word had changed. Thanks to time, this word hadn't meant shit. It was just another word that used to be something that it isn't anymore. Just like words such as bitch and hoe. Words like these don't mean a damn thing like they used to. You find girls saying it to each other all the time and now even hear men saying it. The words have been powered down and have now lost their meaning.

I bring this up because I have heard a lot of the word "faggot" lately. Faggot was and is a word to oppress gay people, but the true meaning is a bundle of sticks. Just like the word "nigger", it wasn't a good thing to be called. It meant you were lower class and different then everyone and deserved to be called something "other".

I hear it a lot more than I used to and it does come from friends. I've told them that I don't like the word and they catch themselves saying it around me and sometimes hate having to sensor themselves. I do get the occasional, "Why does it bother you so much, I'm not talking about being gay!" And I would always respond with the sane answer I would when it was nigger getting tossed around: "I hate the word because it was used to oppress the LGBT people and the power of a word like that has been used to kill many of our LGBT youth and I will NEVER be accepting of a word like that!"

I felt the same way about the word "nigga". I refused to be one of those people who through around that word like it was nothing when it was a word used to oppress many people before me and people in my background. But look at me now, using the word without as much of a second thought of how it made other people feel. Sometimes I feel ashamed about it, but should I? Time has done this.

I realized, I am not one of those people. I know what the word means and the history it has. I am not using it in the context of its history. I'm using it to show how time has changed. To show how accepting our world has become to use a word like that and be ok. Maybe It's time to do that with the word "faggot". And not only faggot, but other slurs like dyke, queen, lesbo, and homo too. And I can't forget our "T" for tranny.

Maybe that's exactly what our community needs. The power of these slurs to be removed. I grow tired of having to be annoyed with these word and fighting with my friends about why they should and shouldn't use them. There are people in our community who use these words with no problem, and maybe that's exactly what we need for our youth, so that they will no longer feel the oppression in this world. I hear gays with powerful voices use these words and notice how they never bat an eye. Calling each other fags, dykes, and homos in playful and accepting ways just to show how times have changed and how these words are only history that will soon be diminished, but never forgotten.

But is that the right thing to do with these words? Should we accept them? Maybe we should tear down these words and allow them never to be used. So that no one will ever feel their pain. No one will ever have to remember how they have been oppressed with those very same words and have it haunt them for the rest of their lives.

But then that brings controversy. People will fight and argue freedom of speech while others fight back saying that It's hate speech. People hate being censored, shit I should know. I have been cursing since I was in 6th grade and haven't stopped since. I hate having to watch what I say, because I have freedom of speech. Now I don't go around screaming "fuck you and fuck that and fuck this" in front of a group of kids, but I am growing as an adult and I should be able to speak my mind. But that only goes but so far.

I don't use my freedom of speech as hate speech, which is where the acceptance comes from. If people don't use these words in an oppressing matter, then it will be fine to use some of these words, depending on where you are and who you say it to of course. Just like the word nigger; as long as you don't have hateful intentions, you usually won't have a problem. Just as I feel it should be with other words sometimes.

But again, all this depends on the people you're around. I wouldn't advise you throwing these words around all the time because you feel they should be nothing because that's how you upset people. I don't really know how to feel about these words, so I open it up to everyone. How do you feel about these words? How do you feel they should be handled?

I think this gay cub has said enough for now. Society, I think I got you on this one. Have a great easter everyone and a great spring break to all the others!

~Be Breezy!~

Age Limitations

Sometimes, I HATE being young. For one thing, it stops me from being allowed to be myself, stops me from doing certain things, and meeting certain people. I know you're supposed to enjoy the time being young, and trust me I do, but I could see myself having the same amount if not more enjoyment if I was just 5 years older (21). Even if I was two years (18) older, I would probably have more fun! I can't think of something other then living at home for free that I couldn't do if I were a little bit older that I would miss.

This all came up when I was looking at colleges. I was being a good student and looking for colleges that fit the job I wanted to pursue and the area I would like to reside in with my studies. All the credentials that fit the area I want usually fit around the concept of drinking(of course), dating, clubbing, and bear events. ALL of those things I wish I could do now... Shit, I wish I'd be able to do them by my sophomore year in college.

Drinking and clubbing fit in the same category really and those aren't really that big a deal, since I party and drink now. The main thing I'm excited about is dating and going to bear events. Like I said in a previous post, I have been pretty much single all my life and I would like the chance to get to date... And date a bear/cub at that!

With my age limitation, I can't really date a bear because I'm too young for them and I can't date a cub or even in general because I can't go anywhere to meet anyone! I can't use online sites because there are no good teen dating sites... ESPECIALLY not for gay cubs. I can't find any in school and It's not like I can go out to a club to fund one. And I can't use the awesome bear apps like scruff or growlr you gotta be 18 to join and I'm an illegal age for those guys anyways!

If I was 18, I could go out to a gay club or gat bar and meet other gay guys and maybe even cubs. What would give me an even bigger chance is joining scruff or growlr or one of the other bear apps, which I'll finally be able to do. I could even go to a bear event and be with my own community and meet guys.

I'm always watching videos on YouTube of what I'm missing out on. Searching Provincetown bears or TBRU and watching the bears dance and chat and catch the occasional kiss. Those bears and cubs get to have the time if their lives woofing at each other and rubbing against each big bellied bear, while I am to watch from my tablet screen and imagine my turn. They make me feel better to watch them. Reminding me that I'm not alone and that I'm not completely weird. Showing me what I'm missing out on and what I can loom forward to in the future. It's exciting.

I even took that into consideration for what college I picked. "Will I be able to attend a bear event from there?" "Are there any good bear events around that place?" Now I didn't revolve my whole search around the bear events, but it was a thought in mind. Every time I saw a college I really liked, I immediately would search bear events that happened in that area. I'm really hoping I can get into a college in NY, MA, or TX for some of those big bear events.

But for now, this cub is trapped in solitude and imagination until he's old enough to go out and experience his own bear experience. Stuck in school crushing on his bear teachers for the while. Imagining them lifting up their arms high enough that their shirts will get untucked and I can sneak a peek of their bellies and watch their ass move when they walk... *sigh* looks like society got me here. Thanks for listening!

~Be Breezy!~

I'm Mr. Lonely

I hate this feeling. The feeling of being alone. Of the jealousy that burns behind my outer doors of emotions. Of feeling unloved...

Being in high school, you never escape the conversation of love, relationships, or crushes. That is the main topic of conversation, and it always has been. Life pretty much revolves around your love life. If you're in a long term relationship, you make decisions for "us", everything might be done for "we" and has be okay with both of us.

If you're in a relationship that just started, usually the world will revolve around it in conversation. You will want to talk about the new relationship, you will hear people say " Oh, you guys are so cute!" And have people asking how the relationship is. You share stories, they share stories, you vent, they vent; the word keeps spinning.

Lastly, but usually always forgotten, the singles. You would think that being single, your world wouldn't revolve around relationships... Unless you are newly single. When single, all you ever see and notice are other couples, the love notes being passed, the rumors getting spread, and how many lonely nights you face. People in relationships conversate with you about relationships, generally theirs, and they don't give a second thought about how you may be feeling about it.

That's what I mean by forgotten, that and being left with no plans because your "friend" decided to make plans over yours and go out with their partner and expect you to be ok. *annoyed face here* I can't say that that situation has happened to me a lot, but its happened. The part about people conversing about relationships to me knowing I've been single pretty much my whole damn life and not considering my feelings happens all the time. I know people can't read my mind and It's hard to read people when they put on a front, but some things are kind of common sense. A gay teenager who just came out about a year ago and has never had a real relationship has GOT to be lonely, of at least feel lonely. And all I want is someone to consider those odds and maybe just offer a little comfort. They don't need to know I'm lonely, but just a little kind reminder that I'll find someone. Usually, I have to remind myself that.

But I can't blame myself for feeling lonely. I haven't dated anyone since last year. And that was a girl! I've never dated a guy, so that true relationship feeling for me, has never been there. I used to talk to a guy, I mean talk, but that was not since the end of '12 and it wasn't even serious. In my 16 years of life, I have yet to feel like my love has been reciprocated in a loving relationship. And after a while, it starts to add up.

This was part of my movement into coming out. I am a very loving person and I wear my heart on my sleeves, so love is a big thing for me. When I was 13 and in my freshman year of high school, my loneliness was catching up to me. My grades were dropping in all my classes, my attitude towards people really started turning, and I got in trouble for snapping at teachers constantly. I was tired of the feeling by sophomore year, so I was urged to come out, as it may help me in my journey to find love. It didn't, but it helped some other parts of me. With my coming out, I did get a few messages from a few guys, but none were boyfriend material or even my type.

People say I'm picky, but I think I just know what I want. I generally like what is called a bear/cub. These types of guys are hairier, chubbier, and a lot more cuddly than most other guys. I don't require that a guy be a cub, but It's always a plus.

I loathe for the touch of a man. The heavy warm touch that they bring. The fur covering his body. To stroke my hands through his short hair. Stroke his scruffy beard. I yearn for the moment when I can wrap my arms around a thick bellied cub with fur down his chest down to where the sun don't shine and just cuddle with him and rub his chest. To feel his muscle and his strong arms wrap around my waste or my neck as he kisses me passionately. To feel the little scruff of a mustache and beard when his lips touch mine. His big heavy hands running all over my body. The touch of a man is unforgettable, and for me seems unattainable.

I just want someone to hold and someone to hold me. I want somebody to cuddle with in the cold or during a movie or just in relaxation. I want someone to hold hands with and kiss in the corners of the stairwells and when we part ways. Someone to go on double dates and go to amusement parks with and always count on them to sit with me. Someone to allow me to ditch my "friend" because I thought they'd be fine. Someone to say I love you back to me and kiss me passionately. Give me tight hugs. Fight with. Tell me how if I were to live for 100 days, they'd only want to live til the second to last second of my life, so they wouldn't live a moment without me and have to worry about me living without them.

I just want a boyfriend. But until then, I must try to keep a smile on my face and in my heart and remain patient, for my time shall come. Thanks for listening!

~Be Breezy!~

Community

Community, that group of people with like minds that we all seek so we feel a little less judged. In a community, there are people who are generally in the same situation. Whether it is a neighborhood filled with houses that are similar in income situation and wants for being there, or in personality. The black community, Asian community, anime community, gay community, LGBT community, Facebook communities, or in my case, the bear community. The main important thing that is there for mostly every community, is acceptance. Something everyone deserves.

This is something that everyone deserves and should have, but sadly that's not how things are. I am in an area where there isn't much community for who I am. I feel like I am alone in this town and no one understands. I'm lacking that sense of community... That sense of acceptance.

The community that I take part in, or fall into, is the bear community. A bear is defined as a gay guy that is generally a little more masculine, a little on the heavier side, and very hairy. And sometimes even older, but I don't include that sometimes. Then with the bear comes a cub. Which is what I fall into. A cub is just a younger and more playful version of a bear. Also could be the more submissive in a bear/cub relationship, but not always.

This community is misjudged as a whole already, so I think to be without that sense of community there, times can be very lonely and very self judgmental. Bears and cubs are not really the "norm" when it comes to attraction and whenever it is brought up that a guy like that gets a person going, it usually makes the person on the other side get going on their merry way. They are sometimes shunned by their very own gay brothers. I always felt it was the hardest thing to come out as gay, but I was wrong.

I came out in school at the beginning of the second semester of my sophomore year in high school. I had so many struggles with who was gonna turn away and who would still be my friend and just change in general. But once I made that leap and found out there was nothing for me to fear, I noticed a new thing to fear. My second coming out. Not only do I like guys, but I don't like those skinny A-list gay guys that are over the top flamboyant and where make up and manscape. I like big burly men with hairy chests, a belly, and scruffy beards. I like my guys with some depth to them. I even like it when guys have love handles. So you see where my second closet door is.

And just like being gay, being a cub and liking bears is not something that is easy to take in. I remember when my bro found out that I liked bears... I was TERRIFIED!!! But just as he expected, I played it cool and brushed it off. But that doesn't escape me from the fear of everyone else knowing. I told one of my best friends for years about my attraction to bears maybe 4 years after I told him I was gay... And I did that over MySpace! It was like pulling teeth, and it was just as uncomfortable as coming out the first time. But I made the leap and now a couple of my closest friends know.
But again, that doesn't help me get it out. I've managed to get up the courage to like bear photos and follow bears on my instagram knowing that people can see that. But I still lie on occasion about what kind of guys I like. But it all comes from lack of acceptance, which can only be resolved (at least in my case) by community.

With community, I can converse with other bears and cubs and get myself to open up about my attraction and become more comfortable with myself. It can be so lonely being the only cub around and not getting to talk about it. And even worse, I don't want to talk about it even when people try and see because of the rejection that I'm scared of occurring. I'm afraid that people will be disgusted and give me a cold shoulder and never talk about anything gay ever again.

I long for the experience of a bear event. To be with a bunch of people who know me, have been me, who understand me. And I know people feel like this all the time. I just wish it didn't always take so long to fix.
So with this post, let us learn to stop judging people for who they are or what they like. And form one big community of love and acceptance. Thanks for listening!
~Be Breezy~

The Girlfriend Talk

Ok, so let's set up the scene. Right now I am a 16 year old closeted teenager living in the house of two old-fashioned African American parents that were born in the 60's. My parents aren't too religious, but they aren't too accepting of the "gay lifestyle". My dad has made it clear to me and my brother since day one that being gay is unacceptable and is ungodly, and if we think we're grown enough to make that "decision", then we were old enough to live on our own. He has yet to say one nice thing about gay people in my sixteen years of life, so you can imagine my fear in telling him.

My mother... Is no different. She was born in the South, which everyone knows is one of the MOST close minded area. With that, she has her faith in god and reads her bible and has it set that gay is ungodly and unacceptable... Do you see why my parents are such a match made in heaven? In all the times being gay or homosexuals have come into conversation, she has usually referred to them as fags. I remember telling her that times have changed and people are more accepting nowadays and her response was, "gays will never be accepted!".

Now I don't want to create this whole bad energy around my parents because they are not awful people; ignorant and arrogant, yes, but not awful. My mom associates with the gay people in my family, but my dad will hardly give them a second look. My dad was tempted to tell his nephew to stay away from me and my brother so he wouldn't try to "influence our thought" or "enforce the gay upon us". So again, you can assume why I stay closeted at home.

But this is different at school. I know my school and peers to be very accepting of gay people. My school has done tons of anti-bullying assemblies and activities and we are all sick of it because we are very well off already. Now just because I say that doesn't mean I know there isn't any, because there is. But I didn't come out in school until last year, the second semester of my sophmore year. By that time, I already was friends with almost the whole student body and everyone had already had their opinions of me, and I knew it wouldn't change. I knew I was the same person regardless and my peers noticed that too when I came out. It gave them a chance to get to know me more and for me to allow them entry into my life.

The problem derrives from the split lives that I live. Kind of like that girl that you see on tv whom's parents are very religious and don't like her wearing certain things, so she keeps extra clothes in her locker or at a friend's house so she can change and lead the life she wants to outside of home. But as we all know, those fronts can only go on for so long. Being that my parents don't know I'm gay, they don't know that I don't like girls. And thus, the problem is revealed!

I hate having to continuously lie to my mother and father about why I don't have or want a girlfriend. Last week I had this modeling even that I was modeling in and my parents have always noticed that I have a lot of pretty girl's around me. So the general question is, why don't you have a girlfriend? What about that pretty girl? Why don't you like her?

I have a brother that is eleven months older than I am, so he is expected to be dating and so on as well. He will bring home girls and my parents enjoy meeting his girlfriends and him talk about he's going out on a date and so forth. But then there is me whom doesn't want a girlfriend, and I have to come up with a lie everytime as to why I don't.

Everytime I think I've defeated their reasonings and questions around this topic, they always come back again. Back when I was dating girls, my parents used to have everything to say about it! And then my sophomore year I purposely allowed my parents witness my kiss with a girl! Just to throw them off my gay trail! And then over the summer I told them I had a different girlfriend and after that I told them I didn't want a girlfriend because they either annoyed me, weren't right for me, or I was playing the field.

But they have all managed to be questioned! "Isn't that girl good enough for you?" "What's wrong with her?!" Why can't they just stay out of my business? I know they want me to be happy and find someone who is right for me, but you don't got to ask me every couple of weeks to see if there was a magical princess that is my knight in shining armour, or in their minds, Juliet to be Wed and bed.

And it doesn't stop there! All adults do this! They assume I'm straight, understandably, and ask if I'm a "killer with the ladies". Let these adults see one girl with her arm around mine or coming to see me and I'm a womanizer or pimp. They will all be ready to tell me to stop flirting or go off with that girl cause she's cute or you should get used to how girl's are because you'll be spending the rest of your life with her and it just upsets me cause it makes it harder to say I'm a player for the other team.

I may be getting upset over something that isn't a big deal to some, but it bugs me because these are the comments that tell some young guys that you should be with a girl. And that's what leads to young gay men feeling bad about themselves or hiding who they are even longer. But that is part of this gay cub's battle with society... But I'll win someday. Thanks for listening,

~Be breezy!~