GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

I'm sick of being here I can't take it anymore! I feel like I'm wasting my time. Nothing here seems important. I could be out working or meeting new people or even working on music! I could be doing something productive to help get me closer to figuring out my future. What am I talking about? What Is this hell hole I speak of? I call it jail, but most others refer to it as high school.

I'm in my senior year of high school and I'm just done with it! There's nothing really going on. We're bot really doing anything where It's like we can't graduate or anything, so I guess that's what makes it seem like nothing. I'm not even there for long. I have to get up WAY too early to just go for two chore classes and two Bullshit classes. I probably wouldn't feel as bad about it if I had classes that I took a lot of interest in. In my previous years, I've taken all the music classes and now all I'm left with is piano which I've had three times. I would just like to leave and figure what I want to do for the rest of my life and be on my way!

Maybe if I had some people to really interact with, but I don't. Now I'm a big people person and can make friends anywhere, anyhow. The problem comes forth where I feel I can't connect with everyone. I like to be crazy and wild, but yet very mature and steady. I like to make dark jokes that go waayyy too far, but like civilized mature conversation. This explains why most of my friends lately have been older, I just connect with them better. They aren't caught up with kiddy drama or anything, just talk.

Most of the kids nowadays are so caught up in being ghetto and loud and other stupid shit. Otherwise, they are uppity and I just don't relate to them. Outside of school, I have a wider variety of people to talk to and meet, while in school, I'm stuck with what I got for 180 days...

I think if I had that group of friends I could connect and hang with, it wouldn't be so bad. I lost that group of friends when I became a junior and later a senior. All of my friends moved on to college and/or are doing their own thing. Meanwhile, I'm stuck here with the group of people I never really connected with and forced to deal with it. Now I'm stuck with all the annoying, immature athletes in my class and the whiney, uppity girls that surround them.

But that'd what I've got for now. I've just got to keep trucking until June and then I'm out of here! Thanks for reading and sorry this wasn't really a gay oriented post. The next one definetly will be. How everyone had a great day!

Bisexuality

This is a very hard topic to talk about. Why? Because it is something that is even hard for me to comprehend. I've held myself from starting this post from lack of knowledge or what exactly to say. But I thought to share my thoughts.

Bisexuality is the personal attraction of both genders instead of one like gay or straight. For me, as for most gay people, bisexuality was a stepping stone. It was easier to come out and say I'm bi, rather than I'm gay. This is because in the minds of those coming out, it let's you know that I'm still half normal. When I first started telling people, I was always telling them I'm bi because I was always scared to say gay. I figured that if they thought I still liked girls, they'd still like me. Of course, this poses many problems.

One of these problems, which isn't that bid a deal, is letting them know later down the line that you're not really bisexual, you're gay. The main problem this poses is the belief in bisexuality. Most people don't believe in bisexuality because most gay people just use it as a stepping stone. Or for straight people, it is used to explain experimentation. Which leaves the questioning person thinking, is there such thing? Can a person truelly be attracted to both sexes?

When I was younger, I pretty much knew that I hadn't felt anything towards girls. I was always watching gay porn and always found myself looking at guys. But when it came to me defining who I am, came along questions. At first I was definite, but every now and then I find myself questioning the statement I am gay. I still only watch gay porn and find myself imagining about men, but women cross me as a phenomenon. I don't think of them sexually, just romantically. With men, I think of then sexually and romantically. So where does that leave me?

When first defining myself, I never get like bisexual described me. I always felt weird saying and even describing myself as bi, as if it didn't fit me. When I figured I was gay, it almost clicked. It still felt weird at first, but it felt heartwarming, homey. It gave me a feeling of peace for the second... But does that make it true? What if I'm interpreting that wrong? Maybe now I've just gotten so accustomed to saying I'm gay that anything else feels weird to describe me.

When first defining myself, I figured I was just like Ricky Martin. I was able to deter whether or not a woman was good-looking or even sexy, but when it came down to it, women were not for me. I work with this girl who I could potentially see myself dating... She's cute and we're always joking around, but is it just flirting? Or am I really feeling something towards her? When we sat down and talked, I think some of those feelings were starting to fade, but why? Where'd they go? I never have those feelings towards guys.

But what about in general? Can a person truelly love a woman just as equally as they love a man? Can it not just solely be based on sex? I honestly don't know. Especially since most of the people I know end up with a person of the opposite sex and/or end up saying they are attracted to the opposite side more. And girls don't make the arguments easier! They always go for these lebianic experiences and say they're gay or bi now, but then will turn around and say they're strictly dickly!

They're are soo many things that go against bisexuality that honestly puts everything and everyone against them. I hate it because It's pretty much shunning people who are truelly bisexual and telling them they are a lie. But those are the very same people who need to speak up and tell their stories. But I open this up to all you readers. What do you think about bisexuality? Do you think It's real? Why and why not? Let me know cause I'd honestly like to hear some input. Hope everyone had a great weekend. It's back to work and school for me tomorrow. Have a great week everyone!

~Be Breezy~

Coming Out

Today is a very special day. A day we as the LGBT community come together to celebrate a wonderful time in each other's lives. A very wonderful and personal point in time for us all. This day we pay tribute to on October 11 is called National coming out day.

A lot of straight people think this is kind of irrelevent, but they don't understand the importance of coming out. Coming out for anyone is a huge point in a person's life. It is a point in life where a person finds the courage to accept themselves for who they are and let the world know who they are. For LGBT people, this may include coming out as transgender, bisexual, lesbian, or in my case, gay. But coming out comes in different forms. For some people they may come out as a furry, or a gleek, or even an anime geek. Either way, acceptance is the key.

Another thing about coming out, It's something that never ends. We as different people are ALWAYS coming out. Most people will never know certain things about a person unless someone comes out and tells them. I am one of those people who breaks stereotypes pretty well, so with that, I'm constantly having to come out and tell people I'm gay. And of course with that comes with the second coming out as a gay cub. But just because people come out all the time doesn't make it any easier.

Coming out is never easy. Especially the first couple of times. My first time coming out was terrifying. I remember my heart racing and my head going light, and I didn't even do it in person! The first person I told was this butch lesbian who was soo sure I was gay, but I came out to her as bisexual. We weren't close or anything, I guess I just felt like she really couldn't overreact to me because me and her really weren't very different. But after her brought upon the coming out to one of my closest friends. Again, very terrified and hesitant, and still not even in person. I couldn't even get up the courage to do it over instant messaging, I did it through a MySpace email. My heart was racing all the way until he called me later that day and he said he didn't really care. From there, it didn't get much easier.

Sometimes people feel coming out is a lot easier after the first time. That wasn't entirely true for me... I came out to some of my closest friends as bisexual, which wasn't really the truth. It took me until my sophomore year in high school to gain up the courage to ever try coming out again. My next coming out was in a GSA where I was completely choked up and damn near ashamed to say it in front of people who barely knew me and were in the same situation!

From there came the last time I was ever scared of coming out, which was when I decided to come out in school. In this case, I was completely full of anxiety because I knew what I was going to do, just how when was I going to do it? I first told my activity bus driver and we talked for a while about it and I got a little more comfortable and then the next day I ended up just blurting it out at the end of class and everyone accepted it and moved on.

I cherish my coming out and am very proud of it. As should everyone else, which is why I put so much feeling into this day. This is our day to appreciate and reflect on these memories and share our stories in pride and victory. I hope this tradition continues and everyone celebrates the true meaning of coming out. Happy national coming out day and thanks for reading! Feel free to share your stories or kik me or instagram me. Have a great night everyone!

~Be Breezy~

LGB... What's the last letter?

The other day, I was incredibly disgusted. I was so blatantly shocked this happened to us. I know things like this happen all the time, which doesn't make it ok, but I wasn't expecting that to happen that night. It even escalated to the cops being called... Sit down and let me tell you a story...

The other night, me and a couple of friends went to a gay club in Wilkes-Barre and met a couple of great people and decided to go out afterwards. We had decided to go to McDonalds because it was cheap, down the street, and we were hungry. So we go into McDonald's and meet some more people that came from a different gay club and they ate with us. Soon after the tranny from the club we went to comes in with her friends and a group of guys followed soon after.

So as we sit down we hear the tranny, Selina, scream at them for shouting homophobic slurs to her. She gives them the finger and we really overhear them screaming slurs to her. I get up and stand up to them and tell them to leave her alone and mind their own business. The main guy screams at me telling me to "shut the fuck up you faggot, you probably suck her dick too! You ain't gonna do shit!" I told him I wasn't going to do anything, but just tried reasoning with him. His friends tried to calm him down, but this guy was completely consumed by alcohol. His brother even tries reasoning with him only to end with getting punches in the side of the face.

This did result in us all calling the cops and him getting arrested, but me and my friends were so utterly disgusted. The guys all got away free only with getting DUIs. I was calm outside, but furious on the inside. The whole drive home I couldn't help but relive it all in my head.

He continuously harassed Selina for no reason. Yeah, he was drunk, but that's no excuse. If a guy was drunk and had done that to anyone else, he'd've been arrested. He was drunk, disturbing the public, and he hit his brother! I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for him getting away...

I could've talked to the police. I could've told them what he said. There could've been something that I could've done, but I didn't. I just felt helpless.

I really feel for transgendered people and trannies. I feel bad that they are so misunderstood. I hate that they have to worry about what civilization will do to them today. I hate that they have to be scared to walk down the street at night or even use the bathroom, and apparently even walk into a McDonald's.

I really want to learn more about transgendered people, but a lot of them are too scared to even talk about it, but who could blame them when things like this happen all the time. I hope everyone takes consideration into this post and stands up for anyone when they are being picked on because regardless of what we look like on the outside, we are all people and we all deserve respect. Stay safe everyone. Have a good night.

How come he don't want me man...

Today's episode of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air actually really touched me this morning. Actually made me cry. I found it super ironic that that episode would come on today and it has never felt as powerful as it did today. I've seen it a thousand times and even knew the next part, but it still got me choked up.

The episode that was playing was the episode where his father comes back into Will's life and asks to be apart of it. Although I claim to hate my father on moalst occasions and  we don't really have a great, or even ok, relationship, I know who he is and he is here in my life. Most people don't have that. My sister never really had that, my cousin never really had that, and some of my closest friends never had that. Some were lucky enough to have a memory of who their dad was; some don't. Some are left wondering who or what their father was and the only knowledge of them they have is whatever bad comments the family makes about him. Most if not all of these deprived people are always left wondering: Why did he leave? When will he be back? Did I do something? Why doesn't he want me? And that was the part that hit me hard.

Ironically, today is my dad's birthday. And even more ironically, he's not here. But that's because him and my mom left for vacation. But this episode reminded me of how things might go when I come out to him. I actually felt the pain that some of these kids go through for a moment and it all just got to me. My dad has said since day one that if we were grown up to make the decision to be gay, then you were grown up to be on your own. He might even just walk out of my life forever. Not wanting to see me over holidays or my kids.

This is just something I can't understand. I ask myself "how could anyone just pack up and leave like that?" I think about it being related to adoption. When in a bad position, you want to give your kids a better life, so you try to give them away to a good family. But that's not what these people are doing. And I say these people because women do it too. These people are leaving their kid behind with one parent. Almost COMPLETELY making it harder for the child to have a good life. With two of them, they had two salaries or so. Now there's one, if that.

I saw Shark Tale again yesterday for the first time in a while. It hit me that Lenny, the vegetarian dolphin dressing shark, was gay. You had to read between the lines a little bit. It first hit me when he was laying on Oscar's(Will Smith) bed and essentially coming out to him. Lenny tells Oscar how he's never told anyone this, but he is a vegetarian. And it immediately all started coming together. How Lenny was scared to tell him because of ridicule, how he was scared to tell his dad because of fear of rejection, how he had a pretty flamboyant voice and acted a little flamboyant, and the clothing. It all just pointed to him being gay. At the end, he ends up telling his dad that he's a vegetarian and how he enjoys dressing like a dolphin and Oscar sticks up for him telling his dad that he should accept his son for who he is instead of trying to turn him into something he's not. And the father accepts him.

I actually thought about showing the movie to my dad in reference to that. I can't help but think why anyone would just leave someone's life just because of that small part of themselves. So I'm gay... So what? I'm also an entertainer, fashionista, hard worker, intelligent, etc. But you choose to focus on the part of me that really has nothing to do with you? You'd really disown me because the person I choose to marry might be a man? How shallow do you sound?

Like I said, me and my dad were never really close anyways, so if he chooses to walk out, I won't chase him. But will it hurt, yeah. Knowing he couldn't accept that little piece of me, sure. It'll hurt for a while. But it'll hurt him too. He'll have to go in through his life as one of those people who left his kids, but he'll be the kind that did it because of me. I won't ever have to wonder why he left either, which will provide me with closure.

Thanks for reading everyone. Big thumbs up to those parents who stuck it out for their kids through the hard times! Let us all remember to just love each other for who we are and never try to change anyone because you don't like a certain part of them. I hope everyone has a great day!

~be breezy~

Tired of hiding

I'm sick of it. I don't know how much longer I'm going to last. I'm done being left behind. I'm done not having anyone. I'm done with the lonely nights and the textless phone. I'm done hiding tracks and the lies I hold.

Lately, I've been finding it harder and harder to hide the fact that I'm gay to my parents. This all probably started a little while ago back when I was picking out clothes. My mom was criticizing what I wear and said, "you know who wears tight clothing? Gay people." And my response? I don't care.

Normally, when it came to anything gay, I would deny deny deny. Now, it seems I am being more open with my thoughts and I couldn't care less about if they found something or heard something. Before, I would hide my suspenders and rainbow bandana in my backpack and carry it around with me to ensure that my parents wouldn't stumble upon it, but now, it sits in my piano bench. Where anyone can easily open and find it. I think about leaving my gay items around for them to find and not even be worried. But I know that also isn't good.

It's good that I'm mentally and emotionally ready to come out, but I'm not economically ready. I have to remember that I put my entire future at risk by coming out. If I slip up, my parents might kick me out. And then It's all over. I will have no way to really get to work, no shelter, and potentially no future.
I always think about it though. If I left something laying around for them to find and they call me upstairs into their room and we talk about it. I tell them my two cents and we move on. If I were to get kicked out, I could take buses to get to work, stay at a couple of my friends houses, save money and be ready for what the world brings next. I could do it. It is possible, but would that be the best thing to do?

I just can't help it. I'm sick of waiting. Sick of lying. I hate having to come up with a lie as to why I want to go to the library. Why I want to go to ESU. Where I wanna go on Friday night's. I hate having to hide the things that give me pride. My suspenders, rainbow bandana, pamphlets, books, websites, blogs, and videos. Lastly, I hate having to hide who I am. Gay geek. Flamboyant. Cub. Bear lover. Gay pride enthusiast. Gay best friend. Boyfriend.

The main thing is, I want to go out and meet someone! I wanna go to twist on a Friday night and meet a guy and chat and flirt. Have a great time and dance and exchange phone numbers. Text each other the next day to see what's up and when we can get together and move on from there. But while being in the closet, I can't really get there. I have to come up with a legit lie as to where I'm going, when I'll be back, why so late, how I'll get there, and what happened.

I'm just sick of being alone and this closet door isn't helping. I wanna go explore who I am, but I keep running into this annoying ass door! I don't know how much longer I'll last, hopefully I don't snap myself into a bad situation. I just can't help it anymore...

Everything is gay

So I'm in target right now and I was just browsing around and I walk upon the book section. I had been telling myself for a while that I wanted to get myself into more reading. It just seems distinguishing, fun, and relaxing. But if I were to start reading, it would have to be something I'm interested in. Only one thing comes to mind... A little while ago I was searching for books to read and again, only one thing of interest came to mind.

A little while ago I wrote a post called Why is it always the gay where I explained how everything bad that happens to me I happen to blame on being gay. I think I found a little bit of an answer to that. I think It's more than just I'm blaming my bad luck on my homosexuality, the only thing I'm really interested in is homosexuality! Everywhere I go, that is the main thing on my mind. It's almost like I have an obsession with it.

I don't know what it is about being gay. I am just so fathomized by it. The stories on how people figured out who they were. The rejections, the acceptions, the coming process in general! It's one thing that I am attracted to guys and all I can think about is guys, but I feel the need to involve it in my everyday life. The people I watched on YouTube when I was first coming out used to say being gay is just a little piece of you. It is not everything about you. For me It's the opposite! It's a huge part of me! Shapes my character, who I wanna be around, who wants to be around me, my thought process, and my social conversation.

I try not to talk about it a lot because I know a lot of other people don't care nor do they wanna hear about it, but truth is, I love talking about it! I love writing, learning, and reading anything that has to do with it! Not even a lot of gay people like talking about it that much. They feel it is just a little piece that they just glide on over. But me, It's more than just that. It is a huge part of my interests. Like I said, it shapes who I am as a person right now.

Is this a problem? I guess the answer's yes and no. Everyone has their obsession and mines happens to be my sexuality. But I can't let it be everything about me because that's how you turn people away. If some people don't want to hear it, I just have to respect that and move on. But it is an interest of mine and it's fine that I like to read and learn about it! It shows passion and drive! This could even be a sign of me brig a future activist! Who knows?!

Anyways, thanks for reading. Just thought I'd post a thought while I wad waiting for my shift to start and meanwhile it did kill a little time, I still got another 51 minutes... Shoot me..