Family. A loving bond between people that cannot be broken. Caring for someone so much that it hurts. Having their back no matter what it may take. Doing what's best for them in their best interest. Looking passed their flaws and loving them regardless. Sharing a blood relationship doesn't make you family, it makes you related.
Being that Mother's Day has come and gone and now the arrival of Father's Day awaits me next and soon the Fourth of July, I have put more thought into my feelings towards my parents and my aunt. Things have been a lot better now. I have moved out and I do my own thing for myself. I don't need to hear criticism from them about what I choose to do and not do. If I want to leave my room messy, fine. If I want to put off dishes for a day, I can do that, too. If I want to sleep with a man in my arms, I can do it with my conscience at peace.
It makes me wonder if my mother chooses not to criticize me in anything because of her fear that I may never talk to her again. Every so often (more like every couple of days) when I haven't talked to my mom or seen her, she texts me and asks me what's going on. I assume she's doing this because I'm her youngest and I still JUST moved out, but part of me thinks she's afraid she's done something to upset me as to where I don't want to talk to her. Ma, if you're ever reading this. . . No, you didn't upset me. If anything, I was literally preoccupied with doing something else and calling or texting wasn't the thing on my mind.
When Mother's day came, I sought it as a complete chore and something I found more than difficult to take part in. It always hard finding the perfect gift for the ones you love, but it is especially hard when you are mad at them. When this year's Mother's Day came, I was utterly infuriated at the thought that I had to get her something. Even more so when my father called me the day of! He calls me (and mind you, my dad NEVER calls me) and asks me if I called her and had a present for her. I couldn't be any more annoyed at that point.
But why was I so annoyed? Now that I have moved out, my relationship with my mom is basically back to normal. Why was I so angry you ask? It was because 1. I had to basically move out or change my life to fit their views for us to continue ANY kind of relationship with her and 2. She had put me through a living hell for 5 MONTHS. Excuse me if I do not have a right to be angry.
When mother's day had come, I didn't feel she deserved anything. She was lucky I was still even talking to her! Let's recap: She harassed and forced me to tell my father I was gay, she idly stood back and watch my dad tear me down every step of the way, she kept me confined in that house not able to do anything, and BLAMED me for anything and everything that went wrong from that point on. My aunt and her were fighting, that was my fault. My brother was acting out, that was my fault. Her job was annoying her, that was my fault. My dad's blood pressure was rising, still my fault!
Why should I have to get her a damn thing? She certainly won mother of the year award with those actions! Even when I tried to talk to her, it's like she hadn't even listened to me. I basically poured my heart out to her and then next day, she proceeded to harass me about telling my father. It's like it went through one ear and out of the other.
My anger hadn't even stopped there. What annoyed me most was the fact that I was supposed to forget everything that happened between us and put forth my money to show my appreciation and love for her. How dare anyone say that? What I took out of my father's phone call that day was that I am to make sure I get her a present and give her a call because "it would be nice to hear from me".
I'm sure it was considering all that she'd done. To me, getting her a gift was giving up what she had done to me and saying that it was all okay. It was putting up this smokescreen saying that the passed five months never happened. Forget the fact that you told me that I'm the reason that my brother is acting out. Forget about when you told me that my dad can't handle this bullshit that I'm putting out. Forget the fact that you told me to get out of your house because I was causing such a havoc in your house that none of you could stand it, a week before my birthday.
But no, seriously, it's okay you did all of that. Excuse me as I pay for these two $60 plants for you to plant in your yard as a reward for being a great mother last year.
As Father's Day comes, I can't help but think the same thing. For my father, the anger digs even deeper. My father and I have never gotten along in my eyes. We've had times where he's chuckled at my jokes and I have brushed off his, but all in all, I just remained civil. I never felt like he deserved much of an award or reward for the kind of dad he was.
Yes, he took us on vacations and out to eat, and gave us clothes and stuffs; however, that doesn't make up for everything he lacked and missed. He never came to any of my performances, whether it was chorus or my independent performances. He never tried to truly interact with me or my brother, if he did, it was in his own interests. And how can we forget about the memories of the screams and terror in my brother and mother's eyes as you beat them. I still hear my brother screaming for you to stop hitting him. I still wake up in the middle of the night straining my ears to hear if the pair of you are arguing to the point where you hit her. I still remember getting up at 1 in the morning and racing up the stairs with my sister and niece and watching you pin my mother down as she screamed for you to stop and you told us to go away.
I will never believe you deserve father of the year awards for those memories. But even more so now that you haven't made it any easier. You also played a part in my coming out that I won't forget. When that night finally came, you made sure from that point on that you were going to do everything you could to change me. You never even tried to understand. Every day you would force me into your domain where you would basically telling me I'm wrong for what I'm thinking and feeling, comparing me to pedophiles at every chance you could. Threatening to call the cops on my Boyfriend for corruption of a minor. Confining me into that house where you kept your own ideas enforced without any view of enlightenment.
Why should you deserve anything? I have to give it to my mom, when I told my parents I was leaving, I told them they had a chance to reconcile and continue a relationship with me, but they had to let this all go. I feel that my mom takes my warning into consideration. She does not try to upset me, at that, she reaches out to me and tries. The most blatant way to put it is if my parents didn't shop at my store, I would probably never see my dad. Why? Because my dad doesn't care to put forth a foot to see or talk to me. Like I said above, my dad does not call me! He does not try to text me or contact me in any way! So why should I continue?
The last time I seen my dad and had a conversation one on one was probably a month and a half ago. We go to my brother's house, their house, to watch Game of Thrones on the big TV movie room in the basement, mainly it's because they're the only ones with HBO. at that point, I would go upstairs everytime I got there to say hello to my dad and tell him how everything was going and to see how it was there. The conversation headed in the direction of school (surprise, surprise) and I told him about this inappropriate professor that I had this semester. I told him how the professor was utterly and totally out of order and inappropriate with his topics of discussion and there was no way of justifying it. The professor taught computer science and talked about how the girls in the class were sexy and if they had nude pictures on their phones and edging the boys on about sexy women manipulating them, etc. My father decided to disregard this as nothing compared to how I live my life. At this point, I knew where the discussion was going.
My dad basically informed me that unless I admit I am wrong for being gay, then I cannot fully judge him on his actions for they are the same. First, let me clear that up here and now. My professor was nowhere under the age of 60 and he was describing these female students, whom were no less than 18 and no more than 20, as sexy individuals and coming up with scenarios where they would be portrayed nude. That is in NO WAY acceptable on any account! Number one: that's disgusting that he is that old talking about young girls like that! Number two: He is a professor and those are students, and that is no different than a teacher sleeping with a student, which is unacceptable and prohibited. That is in NO WAY comparable to being gay, nor is it relatable to my relationship with my boyfriend.
This to me was a complete slap in the face. He not only insulted my point of view, he insulted my community, my integrity, and my relationship, but because I was in his house, I did not argue it. I brushed it off, and told him it was time for me to leave. I had no intention of making it seem like I was okay with what he said, but he knew I was not okay with it. He knew what he said was completely out of line and inappropriate, but he didn't care. So my state of mind is, why should I?
Why should I care to continue tired conversations that I have to carry and lead into a direction where he doesn't pissed me off? Why do I have to go out of my way to make him feel special provided everything that he's done? Like I said, if it were up to me, he wouldn't get anything. He'd be lucky if I even called him on Father's day.
Lastly, my aunt. About a month ago, my sister texted me and told me that my aunt was having a fourth of July barbecue at her house in NY, as she usually does, and she would like for me to come. This is the very same aunt who outed me almost 7 months ago to my mom without permission. This is the same aunt who ruined everything for me. The same aunt who cursed out my mother a month and a half ago over this situation.This is the very same aunt, who has still not apologized to me for what she has done, nor has she called or talked to me in general.
This was nothing more than a slap in the face to me. What's more on top of that was the fact that my aunt couldn't even tell me herself! She told her daughter (my cousin) who told my sister and SHE told me. This situation more than most was one where it felt like she was telling me, "Forget about what happened, at the end of the day, we're family." This is what brought everything into perspective and probably what provided some of the anger to continue towards my parents.
The three of them seem to carry this one state of mind: Just because we're family, we should forget about what happened and move on. So what you're telling me is, I'm supposed to drop everything that happened and forgive you when you never even apologized, and jump back to where we were? And that's all because we're family? No. Not at all. Family doesn't do what you've done to each other. Family doesn't hurt one another intentionally and does not apologize for it. My family, doesn't do that to me. My family, hasn't done that to me; and I'll be damned if I'll be told a member of my family has done that and expects me to stick around.
In short, no, I don't think I will forget this. Maybe I'll quote Nicki Minaj and "Forgive, won't forget, but I'ma dead the issue." I want to make sure that this is a lesson that sinks in and is learned by everyone. It is not okay to hurt others in ways of no return. Moreover, sometimes a little "sorry" can go a long way. In my book, swallowing your pride and owning up to a mistake, one of the biggest ways you can go.
To all the mothers and fathers out there, don't think that because you have a day devoted to you that you have a right to be rewarded and awarded just because you provide for a child. It's the care for the child that counts.
~Be Breezy ~
