All Things Happen For A Reason.

Hello everyone. Long time no talk. It has been a supremely long time since the last time I have posted and I do apologize for that. Frankly, I have been pretty scared to write. I have been feeling like I can't get my ideas out and when I can, my writing style just isn't what it used to be. It scared me to think that my writing had taken a turn for the worst, but then I came to this realization: this started as something for me.

This blog was created to help me get my ideas out. To allow me to look back and see how far I have come. In addition to that purpose, I have the ability to help others through shared ideas and sharing stories, but the main idea was for me to be able to see my problems and life laid out. I figured getting all my thoughts down in one concrete place allowed me to see it for what it truly was and evaluate it. And now, I get to look back on it.

It has been an amazing journey to look back on. In my time, I did a lot of complaining, crying, and ranting. I think back to when I started this blog as a 15 (turning 16) year old who was petrified of coming out to his parents, but was completely comfortable with himself. Maybe completely is a little advanced, but I think I was a bit ahead of the game for my age. I was out in high school, all my coworkers new, and frankly so did a couple of customers. I was thinking about moving away and being completely out and not in fear. Not worrying about anything getting back to my parents, etc. Just wishing for love to come my way.

Now, I'm 20, turning 21 in a couple of months. I live alone (more or less), am completely out of the closet, have had two relationships, about to get my bachelor's degree, and head off to grad school. Lately, this has all been incredibly surreal. To be this accomplished and this far ahead at my age! To know next year I will be moving into a bigger city, like I had wished for ages, to finish up my college career and start my big boy life. It makes looking back at my old self and old posts seem that much more significant to me.

Earlier today, this guy (my age) was messaging me on scruff. Being that he had no face in his profile, I assumed that he was not out if the closet. Most people don't respond to faceless profiles, but there is something about them that makes me want to. I guess it is the fact that I know that it means that they are not out of the closet and they might just be looking for someone go relate to them. Or just someone to talk or hang with. 7 times out ten they are just looking to hook up, but I always keep my eye open for that 30%. This guy happened to be part of that 30%.

As we were talking I he confirmed my suspicions that he had not been out of the closet and if he goes go East Stroudsburg University,  etc. In the midst of our conversation, we were talking about why he had not come out of the closet, yet. This young Hispanic man had the similar fears as I and many other gay people out there scared of coming out. My parents are religious. My parents will kick me out. My family will disown me. My friends won't like me anymore. Etc. Of course I talked him down, but this really hit home to me in this moment. It had really made me think. . .

I was explaining to him my coming out. Both of them. To my friends and to my family. Friends supported me and parents put me through hell. Forced me into moving out. Made me into the man I am today. The thing that really struck me was when I told him I had been outed. My aunt outed me while I was on the other side of the island. From there, my mother forced me to tell my dad. I told him, if I had it my own way, I would not have come out to them that soon. If my aunt had not have outed me, where would I be?

As furious as I was with my aunt, I guess I had never really thought about it that way. In some regard, she did me a favor. She ripped off the bandaid for me. I had went through about 5 months of hell on a day to day basis, but the scariest part was over. I knew what my parents were going to do and how they felt. There was no more ambiguity. No fear of the unknown. The most my parents could do was stop me from going out and lecture me all of the time. I feared my dad would kill me. Literally kill me. At that point, that fear was gone. It didn't make my life that much easier, but I knew what to expect! I began to mentally adapt myself for each lecture, but that was the most they were going to do.

If my aunt had not outed me, I couldn't say that I would have had the same amount of fun or have been as successful. I had a plan that I would not come out to them until I was done with school. Therefore, I wouldn't have any living expenses and I could just save all of my money. I would have never moved out, I probably would have been pledged a fraternity, I would probably have bought a brand new car like my brothers, I would not have lasted as long as I did with my ex, and I would have never dated my second ex. Without that experience, I would have never developed my interest in HIV. I may not have picked clinical psychology as my path for the future. I definitely would not be working at Rainbow Mountain, I would have stayed at Giant. I never would have met all if the people I have up to this point. I would have never met this guy that means the world to me right now. I wouldn't be as close to my friends. I wouldn't know how to cook as much. Or budget. I would not have my place.

I would probably still be that lonely kid who watched bear movies and gay storylines on YouTube. I would most likely be that guy attached to his Instagram, following all of the other gay guys and living vicariously through them. I would still be alone. I would still feel alone. I would still want to leave home. I would still live every day of my life in fear of the unknown. I would still live my life getting aggravated because I just want to be me, but I'm scared that my parents wouldn't like me anymore. I am so thankful that that is not the case.

Coming out is something that is unique to each person. There is no rush to it. It is not a race. A person should come out when it is most convenient to them and when they aren't in any danger. And when they do, no matter how it happens, I promise the weight that is lofted off of your shoulders is astronomical. Sometimes I still can't believe it. I never would have imagined that my life would be like this. I never worked at a gay resort. Shit, I had never even been to one! Not to mention a gay, nudist campground!

In closing, everything happens for a reason. It may not work out the way we had hoped it would from the start, but I promise you it will all work out. Just live your life in a "good vibes only" manner and I promise you the good times will follow right after.

~Be Breezy!~

All Things Happen For A Reason.

Hello everyone. Long time no talk. It has been a supremely long time since the last time I have posted and I do apologize for that. Frankly, I have been pretty scared to write. I have been feeling like I can't get my ideas out and when I can, my writing style just isn't what it used to be. It scared me to think that my writing had taken a turn for the worst, but then I came to this realization: this started as something for me.

This blog was created to help me get my ideas out. To allow me to look back and see how far I have come. In addition to that purpose, I have the ability to help others through shared ideas and sharing stories, but the main idea was for me to be able to see my problems and life laid out. I figured getting all my thoughts down in one concrete place allowed me to see it for what it truly was and evaluate it. And now, I get to look back on it.

It has been an amazing journey to look back on. In my time, I did a lot of complaining, crying, and ranting. I think back to when I started this blog as a 15 (turning 16) year old who was petrified of coming out to his parents, but was completely comfortable with himself. Maybe completely is a little advanced, but I think I was a bit ahead of the game for my age. I was out in high school, all my coworkers new, and frankly so did a couple of customers. I was thinking about moving away and being completely out and not in fear. Not worrying about anything getting back to my parents, etc. Just wishing for love to come my way.

Now, I'm 20, turning 21 in a couple of months. I live alone (more or less), am completely out of the closet, have had two relationships, about to get my bachelor's degree, and head off to grad school. Lately, this has all been incredibly surreal. To be this accomplished and this far ahead at my age! To know next year I will be moving into a bigger city, like I had wished for ages, to finish up my college career and start my big boy life. It makes looking back at my old self and old posts seem that much more significant to me.

Earlier today, this guy (my age) was messaging me on scruff. Being that he had no face in his profile, I assumed that he was not out if the closet. Most people don't respond to faceless profiles, but there is something about them that makes me want to. I guess it is the fact that I know that it means that they are not out of the closet and they might just be looking for someone go relate to them. Or just someone to talk or hang with. 7 times out ten they are just looking to hook up, but I always keep my eye open for that 30%. This guy happened to be part of that 30%.

As we were talking I he confirmed my suspicions that he had not been out of the closet and if he goes go East Stroudsburg University,  etc. In the midst of our conversation, we were talking about why he had not come out of the closet, yet. This young Hispanic man had the similar fears as I and many other gay people out there scared of coming out. My parents are religious. My parents will kick me out. My family will disown me. My friends won't like me anymore. Etc. Of course I talked him down, but this really hit home to me in this moment. It had really made me think. . .

I was explaining to him my coming out. Both of them. To my friends and to my family. Friends supported me and parents put me through hell. Forced me into moving out. Made me into the man I am today. The thing that really struck me was when I told him I had been outed. My aunt outed me while I was on the other side of the island. From there, my mother forced me to tell my dad. I told him, if I had it my own way, I would not have come out to them that soon. If my aunt had not have outed me, where would I be?

As furious as I was with my aunt, I guess I had never really thought about it that way. In some regard, she did me a favor. She ripped off the bandaid for me. I had went through about 5 months of hell on a day to day basis, but the scariest part was over. I knew what my parents were going to do and how they felt. There was no more ambiguity. No fear of the unknown. The most my parents could do was stop me from going out and lecture me all of the time. I feared my dad would kill me. Literally kill me. At that point, that fear was gone. It didn't make my life that much easier, but I knew what to expect! I began to mentally adapt myself for each lecture, but that was the most they were going to do.

If my aunt had not outed me, I couldn't say that I would have had the same amount of fun or have been as successful. I had a plan that I would not come out to them until I was done with school. Therefore, I wouldn't have any living expenses and I could just save all of my money. I would have never moved out, I probably would have been pledged a fraternity, I would probably have bought a brand new car like my brothers, I would not have lasted as long as I did with my ex, and I would have never dated my second ex. Without that experience, I would have never developed my interest in HIV. I may not have picked clinical psychology as my path for the future. I definitely would not be working at Rainbow Mountain, I would have stayed at Giant. I never would have met all if the people I have up to this point. I would have never met this guy that means the world to me right now. I wouldn't be as close to my friends. I wouldn't know how to cook as much. Or budget. I would not have my place.

I would probably still be that lonely kid who watched bear movies and gay storylines on YouTube. I would most likely be that guy attached to his Instagram, following all of the other gay guys and living vicariously through them. I would still be alone. I would still feel alone. I would still want to leave home. I would still live every day of my life in fear of the unknown. I would still live my life getting aggravated because I just want to be me, but I'm scared that my parents wouldn't like me anymore. I am so thankful that that is not the case.

Coming out is something that is unique to each person. There is no rush to it. It is not a race. A person should come out when it is most convenient to them and when they aren't in any danger. And when they do, no matter how it happens, I promise the weight that is lofted off of your shoulders is astronomical. Sometimes I still can't believe it. I never would have imagined that my life would be like this. I never worked at a gay resort. Shit, I had never even been to one! Not to mention a gay, nudist campground!

In closing, everything happens for a reason. It may not work out the way we had hoped it would from the start, but I promise you it will all work out. Just live your life in a "good vibes only" manner and I promise you the good times will follow right after.

~Be Breezy!~