Just Plain Tired

Hello everyone, just to inform everyone, this post is mainly going to be me venting. I want to start getting back into my writing and blogging and this will start if I can get my feelings and structure back into this. This will contain information that will pertain to future posts, but nothing that I will probably not reinform you about later. So for now, I'll take a large cookies and cream ice cream, and make it a double cause shit's about to get real.

Have you ever had that feeling of just plain... tired. Thinking back to what you did all day and just getting more and more exhausted as you look back? Tired like a toddler when it is waayy passed their bedtime. That's where I am. The entire week I have been dreading this weekend coming up as if I knew exactly what was coming. I mean, it's not like I'm psychic or anything, so how could I just know that this weekend was going to be soo... ah what's the word I'm thinking of? Umm... oh yeah! Right, umm... Tired.

My week was completely fine! Actually borderline great! Three days off and then some not too shabby days at job number one! I studied all week for my psych exam, did great on the exam, quit my sorry excuse for a step team, and of course, hung out with my amazing boyfriend. I had already dealt with work twice this week, so what could have added up to make things worse?

I guess it would start with my feelings that began and ran through the week. I guess it is kind of my fault; I did say I would stop holding in my feelings, but lately I feel nothing but emotional! I guess I got a little self-conscious with my feelings everywhere that I kind of kept it hidden for everyone else's sake. I didn't want to be that person who is constantly complaining all the time. That one who is always upset and all moody that no one would want to be around, but in actuality, that might just be who I am... but just a bit!

I started feeling these moments of complete stress. I always say that I have no social life jokingly, but to be honest... I have no social life! It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks, I work two jobs AND am a full time student! The only social life I have is with my customers and coworkers, who let's be real, either only care about themselves or don't care at all. I don't get to have much regular conversation or not feel any obligation for a while. And forget about it in college! Nobody really talks to anybody for more than 5 minutes, unless you have something in common. Unfortunately, I don't get many opportunities to meet anyone who I have anything in common with. As a commuter student, I kind of go there and come home. I gave up my only source, which was step, which I totally don't regret because of the circumstances, but that was my only way into my college. A way that is now gone and has left me by myself again.

Aside from that, I just started this second job, and nothing makes a person feel more like an idiot than a new job. My coworker told me that, and every time I work there, I can't help but relive that same experience over and over. This job is something entirely new to me and in a field I have never had to pay much attention to. I'm 17, I have never had to deal with curtain sizing and matching, and different bedsets, and shower heads, etc! I knew one day I would have to learn about them, but not like this. In this position, I just feel like a plain old idiot. Person after person coming at me shooting questions at me and me telling them all, "I'm sorry, I'm new. Just let me grab someone who knows what you're talking about." From there, I just follow along and try to retain as much information as I possibly can! I couldn't feel any more stupid and less than. At some points, customers actually try to school me or look back at me to make sure I'm listening! I'm someone who graduated in the top 15% of his class. Someone who had taken honors classes and excels at everything I do! There is not one thing that I do not put my all into, but this job just makes me feel like my all doesn't mean anything.

This in turn had me feeling upset and tired. At this point, I was even considering quitting a job just to reduce stress and the amount of running around. If I didn't have both jobs, I would have a little more time to hang out with friends, or focus more on my piano, or writing, or the man who deserves it the most, my guy.

On top of that, earlier in the week, I was thinking of my relationship with my mom. The entire story I will leave for another post, but me and mother have not had a legit conversation in about two weeks. Now if you read my previous posts, you know how much my mother means to me and how much this hurts. My mother meant the world to me, she was like one of my best friends. She was the one parent who I could joke with and have a good time with, but now nothing is the same. After what happened, I didn't want anything to do with her.

She hurt me in such a way that I don't think deserved to be forgiven. At least, not as easy as just a simple apology. For almost two months, she had been stressing me out, fighting with me over the same one thing, and I had had it. So now, we don't speak. I don't carry on a conversation with her, or my father, and I keep my distance. I go to school, come home, go to my room. I go to work, come home, and go to my room. Like I said, I keep my distance.

Like I said, if you read my previous posts, you know how much this hurts me. At the beginning of this week, I started having feelings of nostalgia. I missed her. I wanted to laugh at her jokes, be sarcastic with her, and have conversations. But I couldn't do that. If I did that, that would mean that I would be letting her off the hook for what she did. That would make this seem like it was just a phase, and that's the last thing I want her to feel. I'm not a toddler who will just forget about what happened and then run back into your arms like everything is okay. No, I'm a grown man who you've now pissed off, and wants to prove a point.

I want her to realize that what she did is not acceptable, nor am I going to tolerate it. You either accept all of me, or none of me. Don't think you can say your point, shut me down, and then carry on with life! Because now, we're not friends. Now, you've broken that relationship we had, and now you have to either fix it, or let it go.

But that's what scares me. I'm scared she'll let it go. On the inside, I'm dying for her to just come to me and apologize and just want to talk it out. Allow for her to listen to my feelings and try to understand, at least make an effort. I don't want things to be this way. No matter what front I put on, I only want us to be friends again. Everyday it hurts me, knowing that I have to be blunt with her and shun her because she can't accept me? All because of something so stupid. All in all, I miss her.

Combined altogether with the notion of college, everything starts to add up. This weekend, I felt all of that. I woke up and went to job number one and felt like I was there forever to have to come home to the bad aura that surround it, to have to go back to work and feel like an idiot, to come home back to the horrible aura and know that I should probably read and practice my piano pieces. All of that, and then to remember that I have to do that ALL over again tomorrow. It's like a never ending cycle!

All I want to do at this point in time is snuggle into the arms of my incredible boyfriend as he strokes my hair and kisses my cheek... Or do that annoying ball tapping thing he does st the worst times! But just to be in a situation where I don't feel much obligation, and I don't feel like an idiot. Even though there are plenty occasions where I feel like an idiot around him, but none of them conquer the love and (lack of 😜) affection he shows me.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know what to do. I wish I could just be a kid again where my biggest worry was if I ripped my pull ups! *sigh* oh life, you certainly know how to spoil a guy. There's no other easy to explain it other than I'm Just. Plain. Tired.

~Be Breezy~

The Real Gay Agenda

I am soo sorry to have disappeared on such a huge hiatus. Sadly to say, I still only have my same excuse of, "Life got ahold of me." A lot has changed since my last post, things that I hope to inform you all of a lot sooner than later. However, today's post is going to be something I have been trying to write about since I created this blog. This post actually was created as my second essay for my English composition class. The topic was to convince the reader to want to watch a show, so I decided to make this my first post in my return, however, it will go from being entirely a persuasive to be a conversation and a completion of my professor's questions and remarks. So without further ado, grab some tea and let's have a go!

All gay people are disgusting! Having unprotected sexual encounters, and not to mention molesting kids! (Yes professor, one of the WORST completely unfounded misconception ever!) All they want to do is ruin the fundamentals of life, marriage, and our youth! They can't really have kids, so what are they really contributing to life? Those flamboyant, dress wearing gays, and butch, masculine lesbians ain't nothin but trouble! Those are all comments that are continuously thrown at the gay community. The gay community is one big generalization to the world. Just look at shows like HBO's Looking and ABC Family's The New Normal. These  shows do nothing but continue these stereotypes hung on the door of what it means to be gay. How will the world ever understand the true gay agenda? First things first, turn on your televisions to ABC Family on Mondays at 9 o'clock, 8 o'clock central, and tune in to the gay community's life on a screen, The Foster's.

Viewers might be asking, "What's wrong with shows like The New Normal and Modern Family? The problem with these shows is the misrepresentation of what a gay person and gay couple look like. All they are doing is suggesting a new conceot, but continuing the same social ignorance and state of mind. What state of mind might these shows be expressing? That every family needs a mommy and a daddy and in ever relationship there is a woman and the man. Yeah, they are absolutely introducing the world to two men being in a relationship, but one of these men were OBVIOUSLY made out to be the girlfriend/mommy, whilst the other is made out to be the boyfriend/daddy. In The New Normal, Justin Bartha is made out to be the man in the relationshio, although he still follows the basic stereotypes of a gay man Meanwhile, his partner, Andrew Rannells, is about as manly as Legally Blonde's Elle Woods.

**Right here I'd like to answer one of my professor's statements. She writes in, "I think it is a 'beginning'. I think it might help the population embrace the concept of same-sex parents..." By "it" she is referring to my argument that each gay couple distinctively includes the idea of man and woman. I completely agree. The idea that both of these men would have to be flamboyant and one more flamboyant than the other keeps the viewers happy through entertainment. The producers have to please the people and the people want to see the flamboyant snaps and the exaggerated words. It is a beginning because at least we are being acknowledged, but is this how we should have been acknowledged from the start? Should we have allowed ourselves to be viewed in this stereotypical manner? My answer to this is pretty mixed.

I would say yes, that we should allow ourselves to be viewed in that way, but only to a certain point. A point that we have passed already. Before, we were only known as the ass fucking she wannabees! At least after those first representations we were seen as just she wannabees. But that's okay! There are gay men who are like that! Have high voices, a little more flamboyant than the rest, and over exaggerate things, and there's nothing wrong with that! If anything, that first view into our community let the world know that those men aren't harmful to people. However, I did say that my answer was double sided.

Like I said, we could be viewed in that manner, but until we reach the time where we realize that those roles are played out and are just plain ignorant. It's 2014 for Pete's sake! We know that not all gay people act like that, so portraying that on TV isn't helping the show, if anything, people are annoyed with that point of view. They know that that's not the only personality out there and they just want to see pure comedy, but not at the expense of their peers, colleagues, brothers and sisters.

**The same concept is applied to Modern Family. Jesse Tyler Ferguson plays our devoted husband, whilst Eric Stonestreet plays our loving stay-at-home "mom" that goes into the obvious field for women once the child is old enough to walk to school by themselves, a teacher. (I hate to say it, but it is true. Every old tv show and history books all say it and they couldn't help but lump the gay men with the women.) This indicates to the viewers that not only are both parties flamboyant, but they must participate in the religious views of man and woman. Not to say that there aren't gay men who are flanboyant, because there are; nor is this to bash the men who act in this manner. Simply,  that these two perpetuate the idea of man and woman being together, just with a different outer concept.

The HBO series Looking is no better. Although, television did make a milestone when they didn't create flamboyant characters, they still followed the bigoted state of mind that all gays want to do is sleep around and lead polygamous relationships because they obviously can't continue a monogamous relationship!  Within the first couple minutes of the first episode, his best friend is calling the main character, Patrick, a prude because he believed in the fundamentals of being in a relationship and not sleeping around. However, just when you start to gain some faith in the gay community, he sleeps with a random guy and does not proceed to have any further connection with him. Augustine, Patrick's best friend, is the artist of the griuo. He is also "the slut) of the grouo. This main character is in a monogamous relationship that he later turns into a threesome with a pornstar. The entire show could never continue without at least one scene for our horny viewers. They even included an episode with a very underexposed parade, Folsom Street Fair. Nothing says we're all about love and family like leather straps, whips, and masks. Way to stand up for the gay community.

All of these shows feed into the bigoted state of mind. When battles like proposition 8 and marriage equality arise, people are going to stick to what they know about gay people; Modern Family,  The New Normal, and heaven forbid, Looking. If the gay community is lucky, the general public will sympathize with Cameron Tucker's bubbly personality, but what the general public needs to see is who exactly they are hurting. They need to see the not all gay people act in the stereo typical fashion, again, not that there is anything wrong with that. They need to see that gay couples are not all about sex and entertainment. That gay families can function without the pairing of a mother and a father. They need to see The Foster's.

The Foster's is the first show to not only focus on a lesbian couple, an interracial lesbian couple at that, but also show a functioning relationship without social biases. A double Whammy! Most shows with heterosexual couples don't even deal with this big an issue is race! This sitcom not only takes on the social controversy of an interracial relationship, but also lesbian one; and they have mastered it beautifully. The couple is represented without bias to their race or their sexuality. Stephanie Foster is the Caucasian, "hard-ass" mom, being that she is a cop, while her wife, Lena Adams Foster, is the strong minded, but understanding principle. At the end of the day, they are presented as just moms. They are both stern when they have to be, but both the cuddling and loving type. And of course, what is any good sitcom with irony to the name? Their last names are Foster and they just so happen to be foster parents and legal parents.

Stephanie Foster, commonly known as Steff, is the biological mother of the eldest son, Brandon Foster, and adopted mother to twins, Marianna and Jesus, and hopefully soon to brother and sister pair, Callie and Jude. She was once married to Brandon's father, Mike, but broke up before the beginning of the actual show because of Steff's truth to being a lesbian. the two except no hard feelings and remain good friends. In actuality, they continue to be partners! However, being as she is a lesbian, of course this means they are partners in crime, literally. What connects Steff to most LGBT people is the loss of her relationship with her father. Her father refuses to acknowledge Steff's "change" which in the end bring them to a heated argument, which leads them on to a path of no return.

Lena Adams Foster is the adopted mother Brandon, Marianna, Jesus, and hopefully soon to Callie and Jude. Lena is the only one who is not biologically related to someone in the Fosters household, which soon brings her distress. She battles with the racism and bigotry of her African American mother, solely because of the challenges her mother thinks Lena will face being that she is of African American and Caucasian descent. She expresses to Marianna that blood cannot make her love for her any stronger, but when given the opportunity to be biologically related to a child will she give up on an opportunity?

This show is great for families. There is something for all age groups to engage and relate to. It has real life events, just with a comedic and dramatic effect put on them. What the show does for families is spark discussion. Interracial marriage, gay marriage, adoption, and correctional facilities are not always easy topics to bring up at the dinner table. And why not discuss feelings about these topics when presented right in front of you? Everything is presented in a family friendly manner, so you should take advantage. When Jesus is having sex, take that opportunity to have a conversation about the responsibilities of sex. When Mike battles alcoholism, take time to express the dangers of drinking. Or a crowd favorite, when little Jude puts on fingernail polish, take time to discuss with that could possibly need or everyone's feelings about it. Take time to discuss with each of these moments mane and tail and responsibilities and consequences behind them to your kids. They're going to learn about them anyway, why not control the learning process? Or if you don't have kids, these are great questions for significant others and other friends. This show not only keeps the viewers guessing, it also keeps all the viewers emotionally engaged. Whether it comes to Brandon's worry for his father, Callie's struggle to get her life together, or Marianna's strive to be accepted, or Jesus is battle with love, or Jude's connection with Connor, the viewer is always left with something to keep running back for more.

The Foster's is an overall great show, and it does wonders for the gay community. For once, we are showing the not every lesbian is "butch". We are shown that not all gay people are promiscuous. Gay people can have a future, and a happy ending. Gay people can have a family and a life afterwards. When people think of gay people, they finally have something realistic to think about. Now, when they think about tearing apart families, they'll have the faces of Jude, Jesus, Marianna, Callie, and Brandon to think about. Family isn't proven by blood, but by love. It's not where you came from, it's where you end up, and the Foster's house is a pretty awesome place to end up.

**To finish up this post, I want to bring up the last couple comments my professor wrote in. One of these comments were the interesting fact that Cam in Modern Family is played by a straight man, meanwhile the "daddy" character is the gay actor. Her question is if it becomes problematic that the straight actor plays the "mom/girlfriend" role. My answer to this is again on the fence.

To have a straight actor play a gay role proves how natural it is. It shows the world that being gay is truly not that big a deal. Just as the person would not freak out about performing a 2 second kiss with the opposite sex, what would be the difference with the same sex? It just shows an immense amount of respect towards the actor. To be able to take your career to a level of maturity of that nature is impressive, because not every actor will go that far, but it shows that we are not so much different.

Now, at the same time, it may be bad, but not in the same circumstance. It is still great that the straight actor doesn't mind playing a gay character, but if the role is in the stereotypical manner, does it help anything? This may make it look like the straight actor believes in these role rigidities, therefore, they never play a gay character with real chracteristics. They may continue to try out for the roles with the same stereotype and never grow.

The main point of this post is to acknowledge the fact that we have finally moved passed the time period that gay people may only be portrayed stereotypically on tv. We still have a couple of those shows coming up, but hopefully the producers are seeing just as quickly as the viewers that we are not amused with these silly Will & Grace remakes. It is time that we were represented as who we truly are, even if that means the public may lose a couple laughs. We want to try and educate people on our culture, and we've got to allow ourselves to be seen. At this time, I'd want to thank straight actors who portray us on TV and in movies with such finesse,  because it is truly wonderful for them to respect our culture enough to portray us and not disrespect it. On behalf of my community, thank you all.

~Be Breezy!~