I Admit It...

I don't know how structured this will be more how long this will be. I normally have a flow of ideas going, but not this time. I'm going to try something that I don't do very often... Open up.

I never really open up; It's just not who I am. I had been raised to deal with my own problems and learned as I grew up not to complain. But lately, bottling things up just haven't been the answer. So I came here to start. To express how I feel. To admit what I had been denying for years now.

I'm lonely. I'm lonely and it bugs me, a lot. It bugs me so much that... That I can't even compare it to anything. Every waking moment I am sulking in it. I'm bottling up the tears that are desperate to come out because to me it sounds ridiculous. It sounds incredibly selfish and childish to be upset over something like that. Everyday people are starving and are running on E all the time, but that's one of my biggest issues?

Maybe It's because I'd been single for almost my entire life. I'm not okay with that. I'm a very cuddly and loving person, and I never got to express that towards anyone. My first "relationship" was when I was 10 and it lasted almost 9 months. I don't really count that because I was 10 for Christ's sake! I didn't give a rats ass about what we were! We had never even held hands let alone kissed! The most relationship part of that relationship was the fact that we talked on the phone everyday for about an hour, which I did with my regular friends anyways. After that ended, I hadn't really dated anyone else. I might have had two "relationships" after that til now, but they weren't real.

I describe them as "relationships" because it was just junior high school and mainly pity. I was maybe 11 and those girls didn't really like me, nor did I like them. We all had our sites set elsewhere. Granted mines was on my gay music teacher... But none of then were real. They felt bad for me and we were friends before that, so they didn't want to hurt me. So they said yes, only to end in then breaking up with me because "we were better as friends."

I had never dated anyone I really wanted to be with. At that, I had never dated anyone period, which just starts to weigh on a person like me. To look back through the years and see that no one could or would reciprocate the love that I coukdve given is saddening. I've always been told I'd make the perfect boyfriend, but no one ever gave me the chance to be. It makes me feel unwanted.

Everywhere I go I am reminded that I have no one to love me. No one to comfort me when I am sad; no one to call me annoying at times, but they love me anyways; and no one to go out with me. Everytime I go to work, my friends will talk about how they have another date with another guy, yet I'm over here listening, and waiting for my turn to arrive.

I've always been told that my time will come. I know it will. Chances are, I will meet a wonderful guy and get married and have kids and live happily ever after... But that's not what I'm upset about and that is certainly not what bothers me day in and day out. What bothers me is the journey there. The constant lunches by myself. The frequent nights I spend alone. The void of "I love you's" being passed around. Those moments where time seems to stand still and you feel on too of the world. Those days where you are just exhausted and all you want to do is lie down, talk about your day, and relax with the person you love, but none of that can be brought to life because you're still waiting for your time to come.

I wanted to be in love more than anything. It was my main push in my coming out process. I wanted to come out of the closet to be free of the rumors and questions that brought upon embarrassment and stress, but there was a much bigger reason. To find love. To find a guy who would care for me and show it to me everyday. To be able to date and explore my options. To be able to know how to be in a relationship so when I'm 25 looking for a partner, I'll know what I'm doing. But it didn't work out that way...

When I came out, I felt that huge weight get propped up. I felt as though I didn't have to hide and like I could be me. I had that feeling of acceptance without judgement and it felt phenomenal. But after all of that, I felt alone. Isolated. Lost. That huge weight was a lot lighter, but still there. I had no one who was like me. I had no one to get into a "relationship" with. I had eradicated my chance to date anyone, to be in a position where I couldn't date anyone. I felt better knowing I wasn't hurting anyone or wasting some girl's time by dating me, but I was hurting.

I know my time will come and that is the last thing I want to hear. I know my prince is coming as fast as he can, I don't want to hear that either. I know I'm young and have the rest of my life to date and should enjoy my youth! But the truth is, I can't. I wish people would stop telling me all those things. What I really need and want... Is a hug. Just a long warm hug. A hug of reassurance. A hug of hope.

I'm sorry this was such a depressing post, but this was something I had to het out. I always come off as such a happy go lucky guy, but everyone has their dark moments, and this is mine. My name is Kaseem Parsley, and I'm Lonely.

~Be Breezy~

I'm Jealous

One of the most annoying things people can say, and my dad always says, is gay people make the choice to be gay. They always say how they don't feel bad for them when they get bullied or treated unfairly because they wished it upon themselves. They asked for it by leading the lives that the bible calls a sin. But it you think about it... That really doesn't make sense.

Now I'm not saying that gay people are necessarily born gay, because I don't have any clue. However, I will say two things: if I made the decision to be gay, I certainly don't remember making it and it must've really stuck because of how hard I've tried to change. Two, why would I chose to be gay if I knew it would lead my life to such danger and despair? Why would I constantly and deliberately chose to live a life where I could be potentially attacked because someone foesnt think It's right? That doesn't even make sense! All those kids who killed themselves because they felt that it was all over for them, why didn't they just change if it was a choice?! If they were getting bullied to the point they felt suicide was their only answer, why didn't they just decide to be straight? Because if that was the case, don't you think they would have done it?

Now this post isn't about whether or not being gay is a choice or if you're born that way. I don't think I could write a post on that because there is just no way to tell for sure. Although I could make a good argument as to why we would be born that way, but frankly, it doesn't matter to me. Who cares?! Why does it matter? What would that change? The person is still gay! Or trans or bisexual! Who are you to tell then otherwise?!

No. This post is about a gay person's jealousy, and not only any gay person's, mine. In one of my previous posts, I wrote about how everything that was bad that happened to me, I blamed on being gay. I'm jealous of the people who don't have to deal with that. All those people who just have accidents, can just call them accidents. There was a time when I used to be a lot worse, but currently, It's still there. Faint, but still there. I crashed my car because I was a gay best friend. If I were straight, I wouldn't have had that problem. I would have told her no and hung out with the guys because I wouldn't have found her attractive and cared.

I'm jealous of the guys who have support from all ends. The people who come out of the closet and get praised from their parents, I'm jealous. I wish I had that! Instead, I get lecture after lecture about why I shouldn't be gay and how it is not the way to live. Instead, I get to worry everyday about getting kicked out of my house because my parents found out that I'm gay. Instead, I get to live a double life that must not intersect. I'm happy for those people who get the support we all crave, but I wish I had it.

I'm jealous of the LGBT people who have the sexiest friends that all share the same trait: their homosexuality. They hang out all the time and post pictures on instagram about how gay they are and how they always have a good time, while I get lectured about how all my friends are girls and they'll take advantage of me. While they get to hang around each other and talk about boys, I'll hang out with my straight friends and be forced to listen to them ogle and fantasize about girls, while they ignore and shut out anything gay. Or I can hang out with my girl friends and be one of the girls and be forced to listen to guy troubles and only their problems. All those guys who have bromances with their gay friends and just have fun. If I had gay bear friends, we could have as much fun as those guys on ny instagram feed have.

I'm jealous of those guys that get to date other hot guys. They get to go to these bear runs and gay clubs and party with all these guys that all want to hook up too and have a good time, while I'm over here working. Instead of getting to cruise guys at the bars or on scruff, I get to pick from the selection of girls I don't want to date! There aren't any gay guys around here that are my age, and if they are, they're not my kind of cute! I don't get that huge selection of people to date from. I am forced to stay single and datwless until I move out on my own.

I'm jealous of those guys that are always in new relationships or even in just one great one. They post all of these adorable pictures of them being such a cute couple, while I am single over here, have never been in a real relationship let alone gone on a date, and cuddle with my teddy bears. Those guys get cute text messages, almost always have someone yo hang out with, and have someone who cares for them. I would kill to have that. To have someone who likes to talk to me. Someone who wants to take pictures with me and play music. Someone who sends me cute little texts that make me smile. Someone who fights with me because we never hang out. Someone who just wants to cuddle up and watch a movie with me. Someone to kiss. Someone to hold me. Just someone.

Lastly, I'm jealous of the straight people. They don't have to fight for their right to love. They're allowed to get married to whoever they want. They're allowed to have the perfect family because they have a mommy and a daddy and biological kids. They get to hold hands in public without worrying if someone finds them disgusting or their love a sin. Us as homosexuals get fight day in and day out for equal treatment by the government. We get to be told our family isn't real or our kids aren't really ours because we didn't have them biologically and we are a family of two dads or two moms. We get to worry about who is going to hurt us because people are cruel and would go as far as violence to tell us our love is wrong.

I'm jealous of straight people because they don't have to worry about being hurt because of who they are. They don't have to go to school because they are teased about how they are disgusting or are a faggot/carpet munched/ butt pirate. They don't have to worry about who leaves them or who will disown them because their way of life is unacceptable. But at least us gays do! We get to hide the part of us that should be the most celebrated. We get to tortured and taught that we're all alone and no one will ever accept us. We get shunned by our parents and closest friends because we're disgusting and only want to get with them. Lastly, we get told hateful things like you deserve this because you chose to be gay.

Just to let it be known, I love my life. No matter how much I may complain or be upset about it, I love who I am and the life I have lived and I wouldn't change it. I am also happy for all those people who exhibit all those traits and factors that I wished I had. I don't in any way wish they didn't have them. They worked hard and lived their own suffering to get where they are. Although I love my life, I do wish I had some of those traits and factors. It'd make me a lot happier in these moments.

I also didn't intend for it to be a post about how gay people would be born gay rather than they chose to be gay, but you see how that works. Why would we chose to be gay when everything I just said I'm jealous of other people about, we experience EVERYDAY. Like I said, it just doesn't make sense.

Thanks to everyone who read this post. I hope everyone has a great day!

~Be Breezy!~