Like Father, different son?

Ok, there have been a couple of signs telling me I had to write about my dad. This morning and this afternoon, I just so happened to have caught to episodes of Law and Order: SVU. Coincidentally, both episodes had to do with disapproving attitudes from fathers to their homosexual sons. What are the odds that both the episodes pertained to an incident that happened about a day or two ago?

What was the incident you ask? Well everyone, gather round, cause It's story time! My friend, whom I consider my brother and refer to as bro, asked me to sleep over his house so we could watch cartoons. Now mind you, he is straight and has a girlfriend, plus he.lives down the street. I sleep over his house all the time, and his parents love it! They insist that me and my brother sleep over. His parents are going through a horrible divorce and us being around helps calm the tensions a little, that and help take my bro away from it all. Along with me sleeping over, he sleeps over here all the time! The problem occurred when my dad was in the process of saying no.

I wasn't thinking about what I was saying because he had already said no and therefore, I shut him out, but he asks "where do you sleep." And I said either on the couch, the floor, or on the bed with him. This set my father on a rant. Like I said, I hadn't thought of my answer. He went on and on about how I shouldn't be doing that and how It's wrong and more Bullshit. Which led to, I can't ever sleep over there again.

Obviously, My dad is VERY homophobic. He told me and my brother from day one that he doesn't condone "homosexual behavior" practice in his house. If we were old enough to make that "decision" to be gay, we were old enough to live in your own and therefore, get out. My sister thinks he would even go as far as to kill me. And the way he reacts to it, I am starting to see it myself.

How do I feel about this? Actually, I don't care to a certain degree. I care about what he says and I get pissed off, but to know that he may walk out of my life based on that one factor... I couldn't utter a flying fuck. Me and my dad have never been close. I have never had a heart to heart with him or a willing conversation. There was one point in my life where I said I despised him and everything he stood for. I didn't want any part of him in my life. It has only been recently, and hardly at that, that I would say I love him, but don't like him.

Where did this come from? Our history. I feel like it started with him hitting us as kids. It left bad imprints in our minds which started our hatred for him. And with that, we used to be exhilarated that he would be going to work. Then it was also the cold attitude he had towards everything. All of my friends notice it and they get a bad vibe off him. Another one, and one of the biggest, I can't stand his ignorant attitude. He acts as though he knows everything about everything because he's got a couple years of life on us and been around. He may know one aspect about one subject and base the whole thing off one generalization and then try to lecture us about it. Probably the last, but definetly the biggest reason, he hit my mother. I remember clearly her running downswairs into the basement to trying to get away from him and he followed her and beat her with his belt. I remember her screaming for him to stop and he kept doing it. Then he finally came upstairs and went to his room and left her in the basement crying.

Another time was when she was upstairs and telling him to leave her alone and then the next thing I hear is a bang. Followed by that bang was her cry. She was crying for him to stop, but he wouldn't. Next I heard what sounded like a vibration on the ceiling as he continuously hit her and she cried in pain...

I will NEVER forget those nights. They repeat back to me every couple of nights and I can't help but worry about her. This same man she sleeps next to every night is the same man who said he wouldn't do it again, but then did it again, and again... He hasn't done it in a while, but I will NEVER forgive him for that. You do not EVER put your hands on ANYONE. Especially not your spouse.

All of these factors are included in my resentment towards my father. It feels like I have gone most of my life without someone I'd like to call a father figure. He's been there, but hardly. My sister grew up without her biological father, and grew up with him. I told her I'd be fine with my father not being in my life anymore and I wouldn't care. She begs to differ. She feels that I will miss him and I will feel that difference.

But what will I be losing? Someone who tried to change me from who I was every step of the way. When I was younger and even still sometimes now, he criticizes everything I do because of how I do it. When I was a kid and used to play these pretend storylines with my brother, we would sometimes play as girls. At first I guess it was fine, but as we got older, my brother's voice changed first so I was the only one who could do a girl voice and ny dad had a problem. He asked, "why do you always talk in such a girly voice when playing?" When my niece lived with me, around the same time I was figuring out I was gay, I apparently picked up "gay tendencies". I talked with my hands a lot and exaggerated words when talking to my niece, whom was a baby at the time so I did it as baby talk. This came out to be a huge problem for him. He would expose these tendencies in front of everyone and let me know how unmanly it was.

I can't get my ears pierced because he thinks guys with ear rings are gay. He wouldn't let me wear anklets because they were gay. He got annoyed with me always hanging out with girls because it made me look gay. I couldn't do the play because it made me seem gay. He had a problem with most of the things I wanted to do and was when ibwas younger which brought down my confidence as a teenager.

I worry about being too flamboyant or talking with my hands or looking a certain way a little too much. I used to ask my friends all the time if they thought I was flamboyant and it would kill me more and more everytime. He took away a lot of my sense I had of who I was; a part I am trying to find today.

I will not miss that. Not in the slightest. I will also not miss someone who will be disapproving to the life I'm going to lead. I'm not going to miss that feeling of worry because I don't know how he will react to the man I love. I won't miss the worry I have for how he will react to the children I will have. I won't miss his judgemental stares. I won't miss his cold attitude, his ignorance, and especially his ability to do harm.

I will not miss it, and throughout this whole post I realize how much stuff he has put me through and how it had affected me. Don't get me wrong, I had a good life and he is partially responsible for that. But he is also responsible for mos of my insecurities and loss of who I am. In the end, time will tell if he will leave or not and if he does, I'll be ready for it. And I feel like it will hurt him a lot more than it will hurt me. Thanks for listening everyone. Just remember to love and cherish those that are close to you. And watch what you say, because you very well me be hurting the person who is closest to you... Have a great day!!!
~Be Breezy!~

Knock knock, don't come in!

I shouldn't deal with all the stuff I do by myself. I think about a lot and overthink a lot and I don't let it out. I don't let myself cry. I don't vent to anyone. I don't listen to anyone. I don't let anyone in. It's not healthy and is probably hurting me a lotore than I think, but it can't be worse than what it could be.

There are several reasons to why I don't tell people my problems. One because they are my own, two because I don't want them to think I'm always complaining, three because they wouldn't understand. Let's tackle these one by one.

In my first reasoning, I state they ate my own as my reason behind not letting people in. They are my own problems, not someone else's. They shouldn't have to listen to me bitch and moan. Plus, with all the people that can't keep their mouths shut, you can't tell most anyone anything anymore. People will tell their best friends and then that's already more people than I wanted to know! I don't want my business all out their on the street for everyone's discussion. That's how rumors get started and fake friends arise.

In my second reasoning, I state complaining ad my second reason. I hate sounding like a big cry baby. I don't physically have anything wrong with me, while there are other kids in hospital facing death in the fight against cancer and can't even live their own lives and I have the nerve to bitch and moan? I'm lucky I can have problems like these that fade in comparison to real diseases. Plus, I know what It's like to have someone complain to you all the time. It gets to be annoying and it seems that's all you end up talking about everytime they see you. I don't want to annoy anyone with my problems. My problems occur almost everyday it feels like, and I can see them getting annoyed.

Lastly, and my most important reason, they wouldn't understand. I HATE it when people pry and they give you answers like "it'll be ok" or "it'll happen" and especially "yeah, I understand.

How the fuck do you know of it'll be ok? What if everything that could possibly go wrong does? What do I do to make it get better? What do I do until then? Still think it'll be ok?

"It'll happen" generally refers to my huge issue with being single. The problem is not knowing whether not it will happen. The problem is waiting until then and coping with it. You telling me "it'll happen" is about as helpful as telling someone with a sprain, it'll heal... Obviously it'll heal, but what are they to do until then? My problem is I've been single for so long and it is obviously starting to hurt me mentally and emotionally. It'll happen, does not change my relationship status.

And lastly, "yeah, I understand". This one probably pisses me off the most! What the fuck do you know about being closeted to two old-fashioned black parents and knowing you're going to have to come out to them with the risk of losing them or even harm. What could you possibly understand about having to hide certain aspects of yourself because that part of you isn't socially acceptable? What could you possibly know what It's like to have to come out twice? To be that one person who can't find love because there isn't anyone for him around? To feel the shame after every sexual encounter you have because that isn't how it should've gone? To not know exactly who you are inside? To question who you are everyday? To consistently crush on people you can't have and end up hurting yourself?

The answer to all of those questions is you don't. Don't say I understand because you don't. You probably never will, so don't act like you know what I'm going through. Don't act like you have an answer, cause you don't.

This is why I don't let people in. I don't want to involve someone who is irrelevant into my problem and then annoy them. I don't want to hear answers that won't help. I don't want you to try and understand or level with my pain, because you won't. So what is the point?

The point is to just be there. I am there for so many people, and it upsets me that they can't give me the same ear I gave them? I won't stop because I cant help but help, some people could at least show effort into knowing what I'm going through of trying to make me feel better, but they don't.

Oh well, such is life. This cub is tired out his mind, so I'll talk to you later society. Have a great memorial day weekend  everyone!

~Be breezy~

Ready, but not set...

Early this morning, I had an outfit I was planning to wear and I needed my mom to sew the shorts for me. So she forgot and said she would have it ready before it was time for me to leave. Finally she came back to me and told me she couldn't do it and it led to a problem of "what can I wear now".

Now, I don't know if I have a particular problem when it comes to choosing what to wear, but sometimes I just can't. I can't just throw on anything. It has to be perfect for the day almost. If it is warm outside, I can't just throw on any t-shirt and jeans or shorts... It's gotta be the right ones. My family hates helping me pick out what to wear because of this problem. But I don't think they fully understand the extent to which it bothers me.

If I put on something I feel is not right, it physically bugs me. Physically, i will feel wierd, as if I am not myself. And the mental aspect of me will let me feel every second of it. I will be non-stop thinking about how I look and what people will think of me while I'm wearing it; and I never really imagine them saying nice things. In the midst of me ironing my clothes coping with what I settled with wearing, I always think back to what else I could wear that could possibly be better;and then once I've found it, I run downstairs and grab the new stuff! Even though I have no time! It really bugs me and they just don't understand...

I know you're wondering, "what does this have to do with being gay?" Other then the fact of me having a stereotypical fashion sense.. while I was looking for that right outfit for today after she shot the idea of my first choice, she started criticizing all of the clothes I wear. How they're "too tight" or I always have to dress so "flamboyantly". I told her I simply like the style of it, It's just my sense of fashion and people seem to like it. Her response was, "Do you know who dresses like that? Gay people."

Obviously after this comment you can infer that my parents are homophobic. So my response was, for once, "I don't care!" I would never say that to comments like those to my parents because that would lead them to infer that I was gay. They can't know because that puts me and my future at risk. My dad has said since day one that he will not accept homosexual "behavior" in this house and if we think we're grown enough to make that "decision" then we are obviously grown enough toive on our own. I have worked way to hard in school and through life to throw it all away.

Another reason this puts me at risk is my safety. My sister insists I don't tell my dad in person because he might lose control. She thinks he just might kill me. Now I don't know if this is true, but I'm not gonna risk it. So saying this to my mom was a huge thing.

I hate having to lie about who I am. I want to be open and truthful about who I am because I am not ashamed of it. I wanna be able to wear my rainbow suspenders while leaving the house or not have to worry about my mom stumbling upon my rainbow bandana or suspenders. I don't want it to be a shock when I bring home a guy. I hate having to whisper about it and refer to it as the thing when my parents are around. It is simply ridiculous.

This is also why I don't have a problem with going to school. In school, I don't have to hide behind that closet door, as much. People don't know about the whole best community thing, but they know I'm gay so I don't have to worry about anything like that! I can freely say boyfriend or wear rainbows or even dress flamboyantly because it will be accepted and will kind of be expected.

But even though they understand the gay aspect of me, my school has yet to fully understand the bear aspect of me. I still hide behind the leaves that cover my tracks into the cave of bears. I hate having to hide and feel ashamed of that part of me because that is one of my favorite parts about me. I love the bear community and hate having to hide my love for it; but I am getting better. I hashtag gay bear and cub on instagram and people have found out through there or I have my favorite bear community photos on my lock screen and it shoots random photos so it is kind of sprung upon people.

But here's where the not set part comes into play. I want to come out from behind the closet doors, but if I do, I must be sure in who I am. Like I said in a previous post, I'm not exactly 100% sure I am gay. Sometimes I question it, other times I am sure. I never feel sexually attracted to a girl other then just wanting to hold them or kiss them, but it goes further with men. I want to hold, kiss, caress, cuddle, have sex with, etc.

I don't want to come out and then all of a sudden jump back in what I'm saying and figure out I'm straight and was just confused as a child. Or bisexual and just wasn't accepting it. That would give my parents and all those who think It's a decision a satisfaction I don't want them to have. That would hive them the opening they have been waiting for ti say, "see I told you you could change" or "I told you you weren't gay, and now that you have probably caught something, you wanna switch back."

I won't let them have it. That is why I must be sure first. I kind if fucked myself over in school because I came out as gay before ever really being 100% sure and now I can't go back on what I said if I am not sure. If I am all of a sudden attracted to some girl, I can't chase after her without someone questioning her or me, and I am just not ready or strong enough to deal with that yet.

I thought when I started getting more mature I wasn't gonna have to play hide and seek anymore. It was fun as a child, but the fun has faded and I'm ready to play man hunt... The society that surrounds me has kept me in this bind for 16 years going on 17, and I don't know how much longer this cub can hold it. Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has a great memorial day weekend!

~Be Breezy!~

Too much of one thing...

I am a firm believer of "too much of one thing is bad for you". It just makes sense, and in more cases than one. If you have too much sugar, you're going to damage your heart and blood cells. Too much salt will give you high blood pressure. Spending too much time in front of a lit up screen will damage your eyes. Too much of one thing is never good.

This problem has developed in my life, and I'm sure many others out in the world. My too much is loneliness. This loneliness that I have been cursed with has made me almost develope problems out of anything and everything. I feel like I'm alone all the time. The feeling swallows me up in the moments when I am truly alone and in those moments I think of horrible things.

I think of moments when I would be jumped and had to fight people off on my own, getting held at gunpoint, being confronted about who I am by my parents, etc. This loneliness quickly takes the smile off my face and makes me feel something a lot worse than what is happening as if it were happening. I feel this empty feeling in my stomach and surrounding my heart as if it were building lonely blocks from the inside out. I hate it, but I have no control over it.

A huge sign of this forming is when I'm alone now, I talk to myself... And loudly at that. It's almost thinking aloud, but it seems like I do it to hear another voice for me to respond to. I was by myself selling things and my friend was wondering who I was talking to. It was then that I started looking into this more.

I feel as though there is a void that needs to be filled. A void that has been there long enough to create more voids in my body to where it is just a black hole sucking up all my valuables. I feel like I have no friends. I feel like my love is never reciprocated. I feel like I'm no one. I feel like I'm unloveable.

I feel like this all snowballed when I stopped allowing myself to fall for just about anyone that walked pass because it would only lead me to a dead end. Since then, I felt like the loneliness has just piled up and I haven't had anything to replace it. But I can't just start falling for people, even though I still feel I do, because that doesn't help either. I still felt lonely in those days, I was just chasing after someone who would never love me at the same time. So that's not going to help much.

I feel like I need love to distinguish this feeling as a whole. Maybe if part of this void was filled, I would snap out of the rest of it. If I had a boyfriend, maybe it'd snap me out of everything else. Maybe them I could hang out with other friends. Maybe the glass wall of fake problems that form will finally fall to this void of unprovided love and affection.

Like I said, too much of one thing is bad, and it my case, it consumes me. I fight as hard as I can, but I just can't shake it for good. I may stop myself for thinking about it for a second, but a minute later, I realize I am still alone...  Very very alone.

So I thank you all for reading and bearing through this internal battle I have with myself. I'm not yet ready to take this out into society, although society might be able to help me in this case. I should go ask for help, but I just can't allow myself to do it... Everyone, keep a smile on your face and in your heart and I hope you have a great day!

~Be Breezy!~

Flamboyance vs. Ignorance

Sorry about my last post being so personal. It was just something I really needed to get out and acknowledge in a format as such I did. But without further ado, the topic of flamboyance!

This is something that overly irritates me. And It's not the flamboyant guys, It's the ignorant people around them. This first came up because of this kid in my school. So this kid in my school is VERY flamboyant. This guy dies it and he does it well! *insert snaps here* he wears heels to school and leggings and the tightest of jeans. He wears the cut off shirts, long hair to be flipped with attitude, make up to keep him looking fierce, and tops it off with a bag that he struts down the hallways with as if they were runways.

This guy is obviously gay, and with that, very flamboyant. People are not too fond of this. People have everything to say about him wearing all of this make up and girl's clothing, but never to his face. I'm glad they don't say it to his face or anything, I'd hate for him to get hurt, cause I would be the first there to defend him! Not that he couldn't defend himself, I'm sure he carries around his own pocket sized bottle if mace in his bag.

All jokes aside, I asked him one day where does he get his strength to do this and what goes through his mind when he puts this stuff in. He told me, " The only thing that goes through my mind is if I look good!" He said no one bugs him so he doesn't care. I'm glad that he finds the strength to be him and sees nothing wrong with it.

As for the people around him, they should be ashamed. Every so often in class, my group of friends in the back have something to say about what he's wearing or how he acts. They always say stuff like how he looks ridiculous and how they hates gays like that. The part that annoyed me the most was when they said, "I couldn't be friends with someone like that." They would always end with I'm fine with gays like you and indigo, but when they start acting like that, I can't.

I was completely furious! I was completely stupified! But I can't wait for the next time someone says it. Because what if that were me. Would they simply disown me as a friend just because of what I'm wearing on the outside? Are they seriously that shallow? What if I was the same exact person on the inside? They would never even give me a chance solely because I chose to dress that way.

I feel bad for the men that feel more comfortable expressing themselves in this manner. All they receive is ill-made judgements and never really get a fair chance at life just because they don't "fit" society's definition if his a man should be. They may never be given a fair shot because no one will even acknowledge their presence in public.

As young children, we are taught that it is the inside that is important, not the outside. So why not carry that aspect here? Because you are scared of what people will think? What will they say?! You were talking to that gay guy, so you must be gay. Oh, they going to jail now! All jokes aside, fuck that! All you have to do is say no and move the fuck on! After you have made your point, It's over. If they choose to further the conversation with you being gay, then they might have a few issues or secrets of their own to be focusing so much on that aspect.

It's just like how things were before Martin Luther King Jr. came upon his activism. How if you were seen associating with a black person, you were trash too. Well, if most people haven't noticed, we're in 2013. We don't discriminate in that manner anymore. Plus, dressing like that does nkt even necessarily even make you gay! Look at prince and Michael Jackson! Stop being so judgmental on how people are on the outside and worry about yourself.

Society has really put a bind on these people. It has really left people scared to be themselves, but no longer shall I stand for it. Next time I hear someone make ignorant comments such as those I heard that day, the commenters will feel very ashamed at the end of it. Society, you've just been challenged, and this gay cub is ready to rumble! Bring on round 2!!!

~Be Breezy!~

Why is it always the gay?

Ok, so this is more of an internal post. This is something really personal about me and something that I have never told anyone aloud. Frankly, this will be the first time I'm even admitting to it or even giving it some acknowledgence... It's something I've done all my life, and it always keeps me in a bind. Most of us blame society, I blame myself for everything.

This is my internal problem. I blame every bad thing that happens to me solely on the fact of me being gay. I just failed my test, all because I couldn't focus and all I could think about was being gay and men. I feel upset one day, must be the gay in me tearing me down. I don't want to walk to the other side of the classroom, why? Because I'm gay and everyone will talk about me behind my back because I am. Why don't I like hanging out with certain people, because I don't want to burden them with my gay.

It starts weighing down on me and almost giving me low self-esteem. I feel almost less than. I feel as though I don't belong and all I can say is because I'm gay.

Why? Why is that always my excuse? I feel like part of me does it because of all the stories I've heard about the internalized hate people had for themselbes for being gay and I felt I had to do the same to be gay. I felt like I got off easy in my coming out. I always pretty much knew since I was exposed to porn at a very young age. I knew I liked boys and eventually came to figure out that meant gay. The worst part about my coming out process might have been the lies. Beyond that, I wasn't bullied, I didn't have bad any reactions (so far), and I never went through any real self harm.

I know people are ok with me being gay, but somehow my mind always takes me back there. I'm always thinking the worst of things in advance. I dream about the moments where I get jumped for being gay or be involved in a hate crime. I feel like sometimes, it gives me happiness but also something to blame my issues on.

This is a short post being that I don't really know internally what is going on, but I know something is wrong. A clear sign was when I got drunk about two months ago when my parents weren't here and I told my friend I wanted to get drunk. People always say in the moments you are dunk, you are the most truthful. Well my truth came out, and I had bottled a lot in at that point... Still am. I was bottling up anger, frustration, loneliness, self-esteem issues, and questions of who I am. So in the midst of me being drunk, I noticed my friend walked away from me for a second and caught wind that he was talking to this girl. I knew he didn't have a problem with me or anything, by this time we'd been friends for about 4 or 5 years and he's known I was gay for about 2 or 3, but I was maybe a little jealous AMD emotional. I got overly upset and bursted into tears asking "why am I gay." I hated myself for it, I hated being gay solely because of the loneliness it brought me. I was so hysterically upset I called my sister and cried to her for maybe 10 minutes just repeating saying stuff I didn't think I believed, but would always dream about in my phases of blaming the gay. Finally, I calmed down and I realized this was something that could eventually get out of control.

I can't keep bottling this up... But I don't know who to turn to. I don't want to ask kids in my GSA because I don't lime referring to other kids on matters like these. I don't want to turn to friends because I don't like dumping my problems on people and I don't like being pitied. I don't want to turn to teachers because I don't want to worry anyone or get a reply I'm not ready to hear. And I can't turn to my parents because of my conditions as a closeted teen.

I don't know what to do, but I know something must be done. I can't keep bottling everything all in for it may end up in my drunken emotional breakdown or even worse. I don't know what I will need to make me feel better or even if there is anything truly wrong with me and it may all be in my head... I just don't know... And that's what scares me the most...

Being Left Behind...

We've all felt this. That feeling of everyone else is forming relationships and falling in love, while you're all alone. In high school, the feeling almost consumes you. Seeing couples after couples holding hands and kissing behind the stairwells and even partnering up in class. They are all over you Twitter feeds, instagram feeds, and facebook feeds and even become the topic of conversations. All of that starts to add up.

I never really had a relationship throughout my whole life. I was always the chubby nerdy kid that everyone befriended, but never dated. I was never too interested in girls, so I didn't care about dating them. I would always only fake crushes. But I had my first kind of real relationship the beginning of my sophmore year in high school. I dated this girl for pretty much two weeks. She was my first kiss and then we were over after two weeks. Beyond that, I haven't dated anyone.

I've never dated a guy, and being that I'm gay, I pretty much consider myself never even having a relationship. Now I have a lot of friends and I am very happy for all of them for finding love and finding themselves out. I am in no way mad at them for living their lives; but am I jealous, of FUCKING course.

I hate the fact that they get to date all these different girls and guys and have sexual experiences and go on dates, while I'm at home playing my piano by myself or watching cartoons by myself; anyone else seeing a pattern? They sit there and complain about their relationships and vent, while I sit there in jealousy wishing I could have those experiences.

I can't explore my sexuality, I can't date other guys, see what I like and what I don't; I'm stuck here guessing and fantasizing. Everyone else gets to date and fight and so on, while I sit on the sidelines living through them! I am to listen to my friends talk about the new guy or girl they're talking to and what's going on, while again, I live through them.

I hate it. It's like I'm on a complete different planet; their world keeps spinning and mine keeps tilting and stopping. Every step I take that gets me a little closer to something, then everything stops and I'm back at square one. I can't wait for the moment when I can finally join the race with everyone and find happiness. Right now, society has me on lockdown. Thanks for reading.

~Be Breezy~