Okay, I've about had it. I've been putting off this post for a little while, and mainly just out of laziness and lack of experience. I figured one or two people opening their mouths doesn't mean much to me, but now I'm over it and it's time to speak up. Fighters, take your corners and prepare to fight. Keep your guard up, cause I'm going in.
Since I was young, I've had this attraction towards older men. I can remember a time in my life when I used to look at twink porn (skinny, young, hairless guys) because that was all I knew. It was when I was first figuring out what the word "gay" had even meant. So I was probably around the age of 10 or 11. (Yes, I was an early bloomer. . .) Don't get me wrong, it still got the job done, just not as well as the bears do.
Probably a year or so after that, I found the bear community and all its inhabitants. Immediately, I was hooked. I knew this was what I liked and what I was interested in. I even identified this persona (to some degree) with my junior high school music teacher and developed a crush for him. At this point I was around 11 or 12. This crush lasted until I had moved over into the high school and developed other crushes. Some on students and some on teachers.
So for as long as I can remember I have had this attraction for guys that are older than me. And obviously, we're not talking about guys that are about 2 - 4 years older than me. No, we're talking about men the same age as my dad or as my friends' parents. Coaches, gym teachers, teachers, friends' dads, random guys, etc. All guys that at that point were waayy too old for me (and for that matter, anyone who wasn't relatively MY age was too old for me at that point!).
At this point, I wasn't even out of the closet. Hell, I was hardly even out to myself at this point. I was still petrified of what everyone would think of me, how it would affect the future I wanted at this point, who would still be my friend, etc. You know, all of the fun stuff that we all went through before the government declared that everyone could have a civil right and the majority of the world got their shit together!
I didn't come out until my sophomore year in high school; The second semester. And even then I was still guided by fear. I was scared to talk about being gay, still apprehensive to tell certain people, still feeling wierd about it, and still lying about who I was attracted to. When people asked who I found to be attractive, I wanted to sprint straight to the most common answer - the one that was still very mainstream. You know, people like Matt LeBlanc, Hugh Jackman, and Ben Affleck, etc. It wasn't until I found community through my Instagram (and my best friend's disregard for my privacy) that I even became brave enough to to admit it. Actually, let's be real. It wasn't out of bravery, I was backed into a corner. (Those aca-bitches)
My brother (best friend) had went through my tablet one day while he was sleeping over and discovered some downloaded files of some of my favorite bear porn scenes. He asked me and I had no choice but to play it off and admit it. That was rough. When he asked me, all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and never be seen. He was laughing out of what I'm sure would have been awkwardness, but it certainly did not feel great. However, right after that, we both laughed it off and talked about it a little bit and it got better.
A little bit later, friends started to confront and ask me about what I was liking on my Instagram feed. On instagram, you can switch to a feed which shows what your friends are following and they had happened to see the abundance of tummy tuesday posts and risqué shots of these hairier, chubbier, older guys (not even that old). Again, backed into a corner. And these bitches weren't even considerate about it! They came kind of in little groups and I just kind of played coy as if it was known and I didn't care. Right at that point, I started less and less.
From that point on, it became a lot easier to tell everyone that I had liked bears. Eventually, the bear category expanded to the daddy category as well and it took up until the middle of last year or so until I became completely comfortable with who I was attracted to. I remember my first ex found out that I liked older daddies and he did nothing but poke fun at me for it and constantly announced it to everyone we were in front of. It was annoying. He was poking fun and making light of it, meanwhile this wasn't something that I was ready to talk about or anything, but I was too scared to say anything. So I continued to shrivel up and just brush it off quickly.
Soon after we broke up, I gained more bravery and pride in who I was and who I was attracted to. I learned that it was my life and if I succumbed to the fear of what everyone else or to who society thought I should be dating, then it wouldn't be my life I'm living, it would be theirs. I had my own apartment, my own social circle, my own strength.
Soon after, I met my previous ex. I haven't talked much about him, but that'll be for another posting. We dated two or so months after I broke up with my last ex, and we broke up after two and a half months. (Give or take) It was a short relationship, but I learned A LOT from him. Being with him gave me a lot of strength, inner and outer. I started less and less to give a fuck about what people thought about me, I became less ignorant, and he taught me it was okay to be EXACTLY who I was.
That guy didn't give a fuck who was watching. He stuffed food in his mouth, dripped shit all over his clothes, and pulled out his belly wherever he wanted. He told me stories about older guys he had sex with and we would point out hot daddies together and he had fun just showing me around the bear scene. I couldn't have thanked him enough for that. He gave me a lot more than what I ever believed.
Beyond that, I started working at a gay resort. Working there has been the experience of a lifetime for me. I've met soo many nice people, old and young, and they've taught me so much. One of my coworkers as well. We had actually hooked up at the beginning of this year and he got me the job. At first, I thought he was a real dick and I wanted nothing but to punch him square in the face. But as everything slowed down, we got to talk on a more personal level, which I like. I've stopped being as coy with him and kind of revealed that I can be just as vulgar as he can, however, not as far as he can.
Between my coworker and my previous ex, they've taught me not to give a fuck, be more forward, and to own yourself. Guys find me attractive. A lot of them! Own it. It's not being conceited, it's the truth. You want to be with someonr, go talk to them. No one is going to hold your hand. And what is the worst they are going to do, "say no?" And finally, who cares about what anyone thinks. People are always going to talk, and all you can do is give them something to talk about. Again, "if you let others dictate your life, you're not living your life, you're living theirs. And they have the power to destroy it."
Which leads me to now. Now, I'm crushing on older men, younger men, chubbier guys, skinnier guys, students, staff, gay, straight, single, or partnered. I just don't care. Amongst all of my experiences, I've learned to own who I am and who I'm attracted to. If I point out a guy that I find to be attractive and my friends say "eeewww," I shrug it off. "Psht, that's fine, I'd fuck him! He could get it!" Everyone else gets to date who they want to, and I always don't think they're the most attractive people around, so why shouldn't I get to?
The problem that I am writing about today is about people trying to throw who I am attracted to back at me. Like I said at the beginning, I'M OVER IT.
What I wrote above shows the amount of effort it even took me to get this far! To get to a point where I feel comfortable announcing who I'm sleeping with or what I'm doing. I refuse to allow anyone to take that away from me. My brother thinks this guy that I have an immense amount of feelings for is too old for me, that's cool. HE and my other brother (best friend) are about the only ones, and my sister sometimes) who kind of have a say, but even then it gets overruled. I can't help who I like or crush on, but I can control my actions. And my actions are to go out with them (in any sense of the term).
This is partially the reason why my exes and I aren't friends. Either of them. During arguments, they both had this tendency to throw the fact of me liking older men into my face as if I'm some kind of sick freak. As if these crushes will get me absolutely nowhere and these daddies only want one thing from me. First off, depending on the daddy I only want one thing out of him as well! Just a good time and a good vibe! Not every fucking daddy I encounter has to be a fucking gentleman. Sometimes, and could be most of the time, these encounters are just a good vibe and a good time. Nothing more. Others, I do seek out friendships and something more. But if they do not want that, then they either tell me up front or I ask them. And for the God's sake, just because I like daddies does NOT mean I have daddy issues. (Enter my friend Caitie's best side eye)
It is my life and my perogative. I do what I want, who I want, and when I want. No one else can tell me how to dictate my life. I refuse to hand back over the reigns. I've seen plenty of relationships that involved a younger man and a guy twice his age or more and they work fine. Sure, there are definitely factors that everyone must think of when engaging in any relationship, but that doesn't make it wrong. OR disgusting!
If I were to be dating someone who was older than me (and I always have) I make it known that I do not give a fuck about the age difference and that I am not in the relationship to be coddled, babied, or taken care of. Not that I will be doing any of that, but I am in a relationship as equals. You pay for dinner and then I pay for dinner. We split this in half, EVENLY. Don't worry about my financial situation or anything, I've got myself covered. I am a big boy and I can take care of myself. I don't need nor do I want my daddy boyfriend to somehow become my father. One of my exes used to do this. Try to teach me something all the time. It got old, very quick. Don't take my age for a weakness, and I won't take yours for advantage.
That's all for this post everyone! Hope I didn't bore anyone, just had to get it out. With this post, let us realize that not everyone is the same. We all have different likes and attractions and that is okay. As long as you mind your business, I will mind mine.
~Be Breezy!~
