Isn't It Sad?

Isn't it sad that what you're doing to me is what generally drives people to drink? Or even worse to be alcoholics? Let's dose it up a bit and bring up how long this has been going on and how often you do it? With the way those drug addicts talk, you would have potentially drove me to smoke; maybe not even stop there. I could have smoked weed and not given a shit about anything. Eventually throw my life all away and give into the temptation of Marijuana to "get away from everything," but no, I haven't done any of that.

Day after day, you blame me for everything that's going wrong. First, the problem was the broken relationship between you and your sister. Then it was your problems at work. Then it was my brother is incredibly quiet. Now it is me and my brother don't give a shit about anyone but ourselves and my being gay is tearing this family apart.

Let's get some things straight here. . . I'm not. Cliché to say, but it's fucking true. I had nothing to do with the lack of communication between you and your sister. YOUR sister decided to "out" me on that fucking cruise! She had nothing to do with MY business because I never included her in it, but she did it anyways. SHE ruined that fucking trip for you, and then YOU didn't want to talk to her because of the awkwardness and simply because it was none of her DAMN business.

YOU made that fucking decision. You two are fucking 50+ years old! If you want to talk to your sister, give her a mother fucking call. YOU are the reason why you didn't talk to her. If you didn't want to talk to her about me, then don't. Simple as that. Fucking immature ass problem, and for what? Because you're uncomfortable?  Well don't fucking look at me because she started that shit.

Next, you want to fucking blame me for your problems at work? Fuck that. I don't go to your fucking job. I function a state away. Two, if you take a different route! How the fuck am I compromising your coworkers behaviors? They don't fucking know me! If your coworkers - who mind you, work under you - disrespect you or you don't like how they are with you, fix it. That, again, had NOTHING to do with me.

Here's something else that had nothing to do with me! My brother is quiet? When the fuck hasn't he been?! Everytime there is a family gathering, is he not inside? Whenever we go to our cousin's house, does he not always just stay upstairs? If he doesn't want to talk, then he doesn't talk. He's a fucking big boy. He's 18, if he had something to say, trust me, he'd fucking say it. I did not somehow shut him up because of my homosexuality. I told him when I was 13, and you had NO fucking idea of a difference from then, so obviously, it has nothing to do with me.

Now, we come back from a weekend trip and we don't make a phone call because we're 18 and didn't know had to check in Everytime something happens, and we don't give a shit about anyone but ourselves and my being gay is ruining everything. For one thing, I understand that we haven't called all weekend or anything, but we're not fucking kids. If something went wrong, trust me, we'd let you know. We're 18, we do not need to call you for every little thing. If you had told us that you would have liked us to call you once we got there or got home, that would have been something different, but you didn't.

The main problem here is you don't communicate anything. We have NEVER done that. All of a sudden, we're just supposed to know that this is now a thing? No. If you want us to do sonething, ask and we'll execute it as best as we can, but until you do so, shut the fuck up.

Two, my being gay didn't ruin anything. You two are the ONLY two people who have EVER reacted badly to my being gay. If I "so-called" "ruined" our relationship, how come it was this easy to break and why were you two the ONLY ones who I am "ruining" this for? It's YOUR ignorant assess that continuously harass me and question me day in and day out, telling me "I'm wrong," and "I make everyone around me feel uncomfortable." Then don't be around me.

Frankly, I don't want either of you around me. After the constant harassment, lectures, and the not listening to me, why would I? So you can hurt my feelings more? To break my heart? Or maybe to threaten my relationship with my boyfriend? Or how about try to change me from who I am?

You refuse to listen to me, so why bother? My silence could be a sign that you're not worth the fight. I'm afraid that if I sang a song, you wouldn't hear it. I'm at the point where I don't even want to sing because this song is as tired as your ignorant comments. I don't know how your parents did it, but frankly, it doesn't matter. You can't not be a part of my social life for 18 years and then decide to jump in when things get interesting. Nope, sorry, that's now how things go in my line.

But that's just it. After 18 years, NOW you want to be and part of my social life? You claim that you want to have more conversations and stuff to become closer and create dialogue, but why didn't you do that two weeks beforehand? Or why don't you do it to my brother? I get it, because they're not "broken". So what happens after I "get fixed"? Do things go back to normal, because then that somehow does not sound like you wanted to become closer to me; that sounds like you wanted to make things go your way and then go back to where you were. Sorry, but you're either a part of my life, or you're not, and right now, you're not putting yourself in a good position to be a part of it.

It's truly sad. Sad to see that my parents, the people who love me no matter what, would rather have me gone than live with me because I'm gay. I have never done drugs, don't drink alcohol, I get good grades, people love me, but the one small thing about me you choose to let define me. For 18 years, who I dated or slept with had been completely irrelevant, but now it is.

You tell me not to lie to you, but all you want are lies. You say not to follow the crowd because all they are are flies. You say that we're family, but that's what kept me blind. You think you mean something to me? All you are to me is wasted time. Isn't it sad?

~Be Breezy~

Dear Mom and Dad

I apologize in advance for whatever mess this may turn out to be. I don't really know what I'm writing, I just felt like I was overwhelmed with my feelings and I didn't want to annoy anyone. It hurts to think that I would be annoying someone. I mean after all, they may not say it, but they really are. This is just me putting how I feel out there.

Dear Mom and Dad,
Thank you. Thank you for building me into the person I am today. Throughout all the stories and with my studies now, I'm sure I would've turned out to be an incredibly shy person, but I'm not. I mean, I get scared of bigger groups, but overall I'm not shy. However, that was because of you. Because you guys always pushed me to go talk to someone and made sure I got an answer that I do that today. Whenever my friends or someone is too nervous to ask something, I ask it. I don't care because if it was something I needed, I'm going to get it. I wasn't going to not get it if I had the opportunity to get it.

With this small lesson, I learned to make connections and make it far in what I do. I now have people who recognize me all over the county because I was never afraid to talk. I went out and I met people. I asked then their names, had a conversation, and left a footprint. It baffles me that many of my friends don't act in this same aspect, but I realize that it was because of you. I never would have been able to meet as many people and make as many connections as I have without that lesson, so for that, I thank you.

Dear Mom and Dad,
Thank you for the morals you have provided me with. I admit, back when I was taking those beatings, I was incredibly upset with you, but I realize the reasoning behind them. I find myself joking with my friends how I'd beat my kids with the same mentality. Obviously not physically abuse them, but pop them in the mouth when they say something they shouldn't have and "whoop they ass" if they did something they know they shouldn't have. When you beat me for not going to school, I understand, education is important. When we broke something, you probably told us not to play with something and we did it anyways, so ergo, my bad! When you beat us for attempting to steal some hallmark cards when we were 4, I get it, stealing's not cool! All those experiences made me into who I am today.

Those experiences along with whatever we came across gave me morals. I learned to address people by sir and ma'am and by their last names. I learned how to firmly shake someone's hand and how to be delicate as I shake a woman's hand. I learned how to keep myself presentable and be a strong individual, all throughout living my life by you guys. Those morals make people stop and acknowledge me. People want to get to know me and hear my story because of that mentality. People hold me with utmost respect and nothing less because with those first couple words of proper communication, you'd better match up or you'll look like an asshole. So for that, mom and dad, I thank you.

Dear Mom and Dad,
I thank you for the adventures that you have brought for me to experience. They were some of my favorite memories. I know we didn't always have the money, but you took us anyways and it was always worth it. Adventures like coney island, and universal studios, or MGM studios, and hurricane harbor were experiences that I could never forget. Driving in the race car with Tommy from Rugrats was one of the first memories I had! It's something I will hold near and dear to my heart for the rest of my life.

Or how about our trips to Florida or Myrtle Beach? Those were awesome! Despite the massive amount of sunburn and getting incredibly dark, I wouldn't have rather spent it any other way. Getting to have our own room in Myrtle Beach with my cousins and getting to do our own thing was incredible! Getting henna tattoos and hanging out on the beach and finally going parasailing was a once in a lifetime ordeal, one in which I can say I experienced, and for that, I thank you.

Dear Mom and Dad,
I want to thank you for my independence. All my life I had been doing things on my own, for the most part. I remember crossing the street by myself before I even knew how to spell your first names! One of my friends wasn't allowed to cross the street by himself until we were in middle school! I completely baffled me because of that was something I carried out independently for years at that point in time.

Same goes for most of the other aspects. I had been walking everywhere I needed to go since middle school. Let me just inform the world that I live in the middle of what city folk would call nothing, and we had to hike to get anywhere; it was a fucking journey, but I took myself anywhere I needed to be. I never had to wait on my parents because generally they didn't want to take us anyways, so we would have to depend on our own two legs to get us to and from. That little spark of independence led us to continue doing things on our own without having to ask for my parents help, especially after we got jobs and started driving.

This in turn, reflected in my school work and everything I did. I was always wanting to work by myself. I just found it easier and more convenient. I always knew what I wanted to do and how I was going to do it and I didn't have to argue or explain anything to anyone! With my initiative to do everything and my independence to do it in my own, I became capable of running things without being watched, therefore, being able to run things as a leader. I have run events and been a speaker for certain programs all because of my ability to independently take charge. So for that mom and dad, I thank you.

Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the attitude I may carry at times. I heard a song recently and one of the lines were "I come off a little rude, cause I got everything to lose." A line has never represented me so closely. I honestly feel that way in everything I do, and I get frustrated because I don't have much time so I don't need it to be ruined or wasted. I've got too much going on. Two jobs and school and whatever else comes my way! I don't need any extra frustrations and when I receive them, they completely infuriate me. Another thing I carry with me in everything I do.

Most of all Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm sorry I'm not the son you expected to have or wanted to have. By that, of course I mean a gay one. I wish I could say I wished I wasn't gay so that maybe we would be on better terms. Maybe when I came home, I wouldn't feel this fiery hatred I feel burning inside me every time I hear your voice. Maybe I wouldn't mind being home. Maybe I wouldn't compare being home to being in a prison cell when what's being held captive is who I really am. Maybe I could be the athlete you always wanted me to be; making shots from the foul point line and crossing over every opponent that came my way. Or maybe catching that long pass across the field and darting through the end zone scoring a touchdown. Maybe I wouldn't make you feel like you failed as parents and that I am treading down a horrible path.

I wish I could say that, but I can't. I'd be lying, and if I'd learned anything from watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, it was one mustn't tell lies. Realizing and accepting my homosexuality has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. In this process, I learned to be honest with myself, but not only to be honest, but to love myself. I remember knowing what I was feeling wasn't normal and I would test myself almost everyday with online tests that would tell me if I were gay or not. Whenever the results told me I was gay, which was about half of the time, I remember hating myself for it. I remember playing sad music and sitting downstairs hoping I'd freeze the gay out of me. I had never felt so alone and misunderstood. The only connection I had was with my music teacher who I was too scared to even talk to. But not anymore.

I learned that it was okay to be me. After a while, I became okay with all aspects of me. I remember walking into a forest and this man told me there was nothing being myself. I learned to embrace those stereotypes and flamboyant moments to make me a better and stronger person. I wasn't going to wallow in not being straight. I was going to make being gay work for me. I learned I am who I am, and I can't change it. My dark skin, I was going to have to get accustomed to it because it wasn't going anywhere. My weight, can't do a heck a lot more. My chubby cheeks and big lips, that as well. The fact that I like older, hairer, and chubbier guys, thats right at the top! Most importantly, I learned that we are all unique and beautiful in our own ways.

I learned that not everyone is going to like me, and I'm okay with that. If someone didn't like me, as rare as that was, it generally wasn't because I was gay, and if it was, we probably weren't going to be friends anyways! I learned who were my real friends and who were only around for the good times. Whoever was really my friend wasn't going to change when I came out, and if you acted funny, we weren't going to be friends for too much longer. Not everyone can be my friend; we all have different interests, and that's okay.

In being gay, I found love. My entire life I had been looking for someone to be affectionate with. To hold, kiss, annoy, cuddle, etc. I could never find that in women. I never cared to. I was already never really attracted to them, so I never wanted to do anything else! I began to fall head over heels for guys like never before until I found the love of my life. The way he makes me feel is never one that a girl could make me feel. He is incredible. He can make me smile, cry, angry, laugh, annoyed, and estatic. He is just truly someone who I wouldn't want to bare a thought without.

I'm sorry that I can't give that up. I'm sorry, but I won't give that up. I'm sorry that you don't choose to understand. I'm sorry that this is something you don't want to accept. I'm mainly sorry because that means you are no longer someone I can continue being around.

Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm sorry I learned what true family is. Family is someone who loves and supports you no matter what. Someone who wants to be in your life and accepts your faults. Someone who wants you to be happy and successful above all else. Someone who is not necessarily blood, but they love you as if they were attached by the waist. Someone who would only do things in your best interest. Someone who tries to understand what you're going through and listens.

Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm sorry that means you don't fall into that category. I'm sorry you can't accept me for who I am. Having to create lectures upon lectures with me to tell me I'm wrong for what I'm thinking. You want to change me at any cost. Even If that meant spending money. You would keep me confined in the house under your supervision to make sure I turn out Ike you. You'd take away the person I love most to make sure that I didn't turn out this way.

This does not make me want to keep you around. These attributes are only pushing me away. I understand that you don't accept, but understand that I am happy the way things have been and I will not let anything stand in the way of that. I will not want to keep around someone who is constantly telling me I am wrong and won't even give me a chance. I will not have someone who is going to down talk my relationship for the rest of my life. I will not have someone who is going to bring that around my future kids. Like I said before, I'm sorry I figured out what family really is, and I'm even more sorry to say that so far, that does not include you.

Dear Mom and Dad,
Above all else, I've wanted nothing from your but for you to listen and try to understand. I never said you had to accept it, or really understand, just that you respect the fact that I'm going to lead my life openly and happily, and I'm sorry if that may include writing you guys out of my family tree.

Please won't you just see the error in your ways, Dear Mom and Dad.

~Be Breezy~

Family Matters

I really do not want to get up and grab my psychology book, but I'm pretty sure that this title is a pragmatism in language, meaning that this phrase can be interpreted in two different ways. One way it can be interpreted is that family is important and will always mean something. The other interpretation is a situation that involves family, exclusively. Now, I addressed this to not only prove my consumption of information in my major, but also to make this clear that this post is about both. I decided it was time that I finally let out and gather my thoughts about how I truly feel about this family matter and how much this family matters. Hopefully my thoughts won't be too wild and hopefully everything stays pretty organized. I guess the best way to do this is to start from the very beginning. So without further ado, sound your trumpets, because King Kaseem is here to invoke the message!

As you may have read in a previous post, I met my boyfriend 6 months ago and we had dated all through the summer. It being the summer meant that I had a lot of free time. It was the summer of my graduation, of course I wanted to have fun! This was the summer that I believed was going to be the best because I didn't have to go back to high school and I was starting a new life elsewhere. Little did I know at that point in time that I wouldn't be attending WVU, but I did my best to enjoy the summer.

On top of it being the summer that I graduated, this was my first summer in a relationship. For that matter, it was my first time being in a relationship! Naturally, this would mean I was going to have a summer jam-packed with all sorts of events!  I was constantly going on dates and going to the movies and laying about, alongside working of course. Every day was another day to be filled with adventure, of course, unless my parents had anything to say about it.

All summer, my parents had been fighting me on going out at every possible chance. If I went out on monday, then it was a problem that I went out on wednesday. If I went out wednesday, then I didn't need to to go out for the rest of the week and into the following! This came across to me and any other person abstract because after all, I'm a teenager! For Christ's sake, all teenagers go out! All of them want to go do things in there free tine! Why would I want to stay at home and do nothing all day? That doesn't even make sense!

After the summer began to wind down, me and my family were just topping off our summer vacation with a cruise to the along the Mexican islands. During this trip, I had a great time. All the food we could eat, different sights every day, and some wild excursions from time to time. However, the trip did have its shortcomings when it came to excitement outside of the excursions. My brothers, cousins, and I were constantly looking for things to pass the time by, which was incredibly irritating. However, it was fun to spend some time with my brothers and cousins, for we are all hilarious together. And that's what this trip was about. We are the ones who all graduated from high school and we were celebrating it together as adults and away from our parents. Which in the end, led to an incredible change to my life.

During this trip, me and my brothers never spent time with my parents. We had never thought anything of it. We were old enough to do everything in our own and we paid for everything on our own! What could we possibly need them for? They did their grown up things and we did what we could in our age group. My dad made it very clear to us years ago that we can't have the same fun as them, so we let them have their fun just as we had ours.

We didn't do much with them because that just wasn't what we were used to. If they had asked, that would have been one thing, but they never did. They asked us for one night, which we gave to them, but beyond that, we did what we always did: our own thing. My family has never been the type to sit at the table together and have dinners or breakfast; it's just not something we did, ever. For this to all be a problem to my mother was a complete mystery to my brother and I because this had all been so natural to us, that it just seemed normal. We didn't have conversations with my dad because we just never have. Any time we did, it was a lecture, which we did not want to hear. Everything was exactly how it always had been, but to my mother, this was complete and utter disrespect.

When we arrived back home, she expressed to me and my brother exactly how she felt. Hurt, cheated, oucasted, all because we didn't call them or have dinner with them? I'm sorry, but we're not kids anymore. We are both in college and at that point I was a couple months from being 18, but we were still too old for that to be a legit excuse. We have far outgrown hanging out with our parents and wanting them to be with us. She knew this day was going to come and she cannot make the big stink that she is making about it now.

Sadly to say, this was still just the small part of the worst trip ever. During our cruise, whilst me and my brothers were on one side of Belize going zip lining, my aunt was on the other side of the island "outing" me to my mom. I hadn't even been there to stop it, but even worse, my aunt never even came to me to talk about it.

I didn't find out until the very next day when my cousins all told me, which at that point, it had already been too late. When we arrived back in the states, I asked my mom about it, and her response was nothing less than hateful. "How could you do this to us, we raised you better than this, just wait til your father finds out!" Etc. I quickly hushed her to hide it from my father, but when we arrived home, I never heard the end of it.

When we got home, my mom had this very long talk to me about how she felt. She let me know that she doesn't believe me and how hurt she feels and then the rest about how she felt about me and my brother. All I could tell her was that it was the truth and that we hadn't known what we were doing. But it didn't end there. Over the course of another two weeks, I proceeded to try to make my mother understand. I tried to let her in and be honest with her and tell her how I felt. I read my old blog posts to her, revealed to her my fears, and unmasked the love of my life. I wanted to let her know that I was tired of lying, and tired of hiding. I wanted her to know that if I were sure that they wouldn't have left me, I would have told them. I wanted her to understand what it meant to be gay and that it was nothing that what she had been made to believe. I wanted to let her know, above all else, that I was happy with my life. That I was gay and I was proud.

Unfortunately, she was not listening. She basically ignored everything I had said and focused one thing: herself. She turned it all about her and how it made things worse for her. She was complaining about how she doesn't have a relationship with her sister anymore, and how she's stressing because my dad doesn't know, and work, etc. ever since she found out, she had been badgering me and harassing me to admit it to my father that I was gay. Constantly, I tried to have conversations with her and tried to continue vein honest, which she responded with anger and more badgering. For those two months, I was panicking because I was in fear that she was going to tell my father herself and/or that my day to tell him was coming up. She would give me deadlines as to when to tell him and then tell me not to. I would be all worked up and ready, where she would tell me it wasn't the right time because he wasn't feeling well. One of these times, I remember we had a conversation through text, one that I could never forget.

My dad had just undergone his eye surgery and I figured it had been the perfect opportunity to tell him because for one he couldn't give me any judgemental looks, but he also couldn't cause any possible harm due to his handicap. I figured this was the safest way to go about this, but my mom did not agree. That night, I told my mom exactly how I had been feeling about what she had been doing. I told her she is stressing me out and she is hurting me. I let her know of how scared I was and that I was not ready, but she didn't care. She responded with "I don't care how you feel" and proceeded to give me a deadline to tell him. At this point in time, I had had it.

For months she had been blaming me for the disconnection between her and her sister. She had been blaming me for the stress she had been experiencing from work and my father. She had been blaming me for what she couldn't handle and I wasn't dealing with it anymore. At this point, I wanted almost nothing to do with her. I had nothing to do with any of that. Your SISTER caused the disconnection between you two! Your sister decided to run her mouth off to you about something she was not sure of and on top of that, had nothing to do with her. No matter what her state of consciousness was, she should be able to take responsibility for her own actions. If you can't control yourself after that many drinks, than you obviously so not need that many. If you can't be at least somewhat conscious while you are drunk, than you don't need to be drinking. When I'm drunk, I know what I'm doing and what I'm saying, And I'm only 17. If you can't do that by the age of 50, then you need to reevaluate your habits.

Before I proceed with the story, allow me to further discuss exactly my problem with my aunt. If you were drunk, why can't you admit that you were wrong? If you were truly not in the right state of mind, why do you feel the need to defend yourself and not apologize? Things would probably be a little better if she had apologized and admitted that she was wrong, but she didn't. She won't even acknowledge the fact that she did wrong, which does not sound like it was done unintentionally. The main thing is, it had nothing to do with you. No matter what you thought or what your position was, you had no right to out me. On top of that, how could you do that to someone, ESPECIALLY your nephew. You know what that's like, your own son is gay! You should know better than that, but you didn't care. And you don't care. So therefore, we have nothing more to say to each other.

After that night with my mom, approximately two weeks after that night, my mom again forced me to tell my dad and I had had it. I told her if it'll get her to leave me alone, than consider it done. After that night, our relationship was over. Just like my aunt, we had nothing left to say to each other. So what does this mean? Don't have a conversation with me. Don't try and Crack jokes around me because they are not welcome, and neither are your comments. From that point on, we are no longer friends. I don't want anything to do with you. What further frustrates me is both my aunt and my mother have this tendency to act like nothing happened.

About a month ago (from the present) my aunt calls and says hello and tells my mom that my brother and find I don't call her anymore. Let's get something straight. For one, we have NEVER called her to have a conversation with her. If we had ever called, it had to do with a conversation that needed to be had with my cousin. If we didn't call you before, then why the FUCK would I call you now?!  Number two, don't fucking say hello to me like there is nothing wrong between me and you. You ruined that fucking relationship about a month ago (when she outed me). My mom has the same problem. She continues to try and joke around with me and act like nothing happened. No. We don't have that relationship anymore. You don't care about how I feel, so by those odds, why do you care if I joke with you now? For two months, you had been rushing me and stressing me to tell him, so now we don't have that relationship anymore. If you have anything to talk to me about, you keep it short, sweet, and to the point. Other then that, stay the fuck away from me.

So that night, I ended up telling my dad, which if you have read my previous posts,  obviously did not turn out well. It was about a four and a half hour conversation of him basically telling me I am wrong for what I am feeling and him getting frustrated by the rebuttles that I had been making. I made it very clear at the beginning of the "conversation" that I did not want to influence him. I told him I don't want to make you change your mind or make you accept this, I'm just letting you know. By the fourth hour, I grew tired of his ignorance and decided to let him to talk out of his ass. But just when I thought that would be the end.

Two days from then, we have another conversation about the topic. In this "conversation," he agreed to allow me to ask questions that he would then answer, which in turn only frustrated me. By the end of this "conversation," he informed me that if I continued to see my boyfriend, he was going to call the cops. At this point, I was thoroughly disgusted. I didn't want anything to do with either of them. Everything that applied to one of them, pretty much applied to all of them. For almost three weeks, I hadn't said anything more to them than what they asked me.

I wanted to get even with them. I wanted to hurt them in a way that I would hope compare to the pain they bared on me, but it didn't even compare. What could possibly hurt more than being told that you are wrong, to break up with the love of your life, and to change you all in one hour? Especially by the people who are supposedly supposed to be your family and love you unconditionally, but that was not the case. I was blunt and very wort with them because I wanted them to realize that I was happy with what I was, and if they cannot accept that, then they couldn't see me. That happy go lucky guy that loves to laugh and shined brighter than the sun is proud of who he is and being gay is apart of that. All of my happiness and enthusiasm comes from my pride of me being who I am. If you take that away from me, then silence is what you get, because I refuse to hide me, but me can avoid you.

This did aggravate them, but only to mean another lecture on how being gay was wrong. My father proceeded to come up with more ignorant statements about what it meant to be gay, which I again refuted and again, ended in turmoil. What I got out of this conversation was that my method of staying silent and being blunt towards them was going to backfire. So I decided I'd just continue to be me and if they didn't like it, it was because I was gay. So what this meant was I could joke around with my mom again.

This created another problem for me. I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to have conversations again. I didn't want to let any of this go. How could I let up now? She'll think what she did is okay. She'll think it was just a phase that I just got over. I need her to know that that is not the case here.

I can't get passed that night. Those nights where she would constantly badger me of tell my mom, when she said she didn't care about how I felt and how she only cared about her own feelings, or how about when she didn't give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt and allowed my father to make me break up with him. How could I ever just forgive that? Whenever I see her, all of that just comes back up, and no joke is able to repair that. For my father, the anger goes a little bit deeper.

My anger towards my father is a little bit different than my anger towards my mother. Me and my mother had a relationship that is now gone. So there I pain there from me. With my father, we already didn't have a great relationship, so all he was doing was pushing me further and further away. What aggravates me about them both is that they both insist that they know me, but if you look back, you really didn't, did you? My father whom has never had any part in my social life, now all of of a sudden wants to be apart of it because he thinks I'm corrupted because I'm gay. The only reason he would want to have conversations and talk now is because I'm gay. If I hadn't told him I was gay, he would have never wanted to have more conversations which in turn, would have left our relationship exactly where it is now: nowhere.

Who are you to tell me what's good for me? You don't even know me. You don't know what I like, my favorite color, or even my major. What makes you think you know what is going to make me happy? As a father, you can suggest, but you can't rule my life, and I don't intend to let you. What he is soon going to learn is that I was gay last year, I am gay this year. I was gay yesterday, and I am gay today. Chances are, I'm going to be gay tomorrow, and gay next year.

I don't know where exactly this entire situation will situate itself, but anywhere else has got to be considerably better than this now. As far as I know, this shit can't be pulled in the future. I will not stand for it. I will not hold myself back from certain things that will make me happy solely because they are ignorant and they do not agree. They have the opportunity to understand and accept this, or they can let me go and lose sight of what's really here. Yeah, we're family, but does family do this to each other? No. My real family accepts me for who I am in the hopes that I will be happy in the end. So let's just get one thing clear, I'm happy with who I am and where I am. If you don't like me, then we have nothing more to say to each other.

~Be Breezy~

Just Plain Tired

Hello everyone, just to inform everyone, this post is mainly going to be me venting. I want to start getting back into my writing and blogging and this will start if I can get my feelings and structure back into this. This will contain information that will pertain to future posts, but nothing that I will probably not reinform you about later. So for now, I'll take a large cookies and cream ice cream, and make it a double cause shit's about to get real.

Have you ever had that feeling of just plain... tired. Thinking back to what you did all day and just getting more and more exhausted as you look back? Tired like a toddler when it is waayy passed their bedtime. That's where I am. The entire week I have been dreading this weekend coming up as if I knew exactly what was coming. I mean, it's not like I'm psychic or anything, so how could I just know that this weekend was going to be soo... ah what's the word I'm thinking of? Umm... oh yeah! Right, umm... Tired.

My week was completely fine! Actually borderline great! Three days off and then some not too shabby days at job number one! I studied all week for my psych exam, did great on the exam, quit my sorry excuse for a step team, and of course, hung out with my amazing boyfriend. I had already dealt with work twice this week, so what could have added up to make things worse?

I guess it would start with my feelings that began and ran through the week. I guess it is kind of my fault; I did say I would stop holding in my feelings, but lately I feel nothing but emotional! I guess I got a little self-conscious with my feelings everywhere that I kind of kept it hidden for everyone else's sake. I didn't want to be that person who is constantly complaining all the time. That one who is always upset and all moody that no one would want to be around, but in actuality, that might just be who I am... but just a bit!

I started feeling these moments of complete stress. I always say that I have no social life jokingly, but to be honest... I have no social life! It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks, I work two jobs AND am a full time student! The only social life I have is with my customers and coworkers, who let's be real, either only care about themselves or don't care at all. I don't get to have much regular conversation or not feel any obligation for a while. And forget about it in college! Nobody really talks to anybody for more than 5 minutes, unless you have something in common. Unfortunately, I don't get many opportunities to meet anyone who I have anything in common with. As a commuter student, I kind of go there and come home. I gave up my only source, which was step, which I totally don't regret because of the circumstances, but that was my only way into my college. A way that is now gone and has left me by myself again.

Aside from that, I just started this second job, and nothing makes a person feel more like an idiot than a new job. My coworker told me that, and every time I work there, I can't help but relive that same experience over and over. This job is something entirely new to me and in a field I have never had to pay much attention to. I'm 17, I have never had to deal with curtain sizing and matching, and different bedsets, and shower heads, etc! I knew one day I would have to learn about them, but not like this. In this position, I just feel like a plain old idiot. Person after person coming at me shooting questions at me and me telling them all, "I'm sorry, I'm new. Just let me grab someone who knows what you're talking about." From there, I just follow along and try to retain as much information as I possibly can! I couldn't feel any more stupid and less than. At some points, customers actually try to school me or look back at me to make sure I'm listening! I'm someone who graduated in the top 15% of his class. Someone who had taken honors classes and excels at everything I do! There is not one thing that I do not put my all into, but this job just makes me feel like my all doesn't mean anything.

This in turn had me feeling upset and tired. At this point, I was even considering quitting a job just to reduce stress and the amount of running around. If I didn't have both jobs, I would have a little more time to hang out with friends, or focus more on my piano, or writing, or the man who deserves it the most, my guy.

On top of that, earlier in the week, I was thinking of my relationship with my mom. The entire story I will leave for another post, but me and mother have not had a legit conversation in about two weeks. Now if you read my previous posts, you know how much my mother means to me and how much this hurts. My mother meant the world to me, she was like one of my best friends. She was the one parent who I could joke with and have a good time with, but now nothing is the same. After what happened, I didn't want anything to do with her.

She hurt me in such a way that I don't think deserved to be forgiven. At least, not as easy as just a simple apology. For almost two months, she had been stressing me out, fighting with me over the same one thing, and I had had it. So now, we don't speak. I don't carry on a conversation with her, or my father, and I keep my distance. I go to school, come home, go to my room. I go to work, come home, and go to my room. Like I said, I keep my distance.

Like I said, if you read my previous posts, you know how much this hurts me. At the beginning of this week, I started having feelings of nostalgia. I missed her. I wanted to laugh at her jokes, be sarcastic with her, and have conversations. But I couldn't do that. If I did that, that would mean that I would be letting her off the hook for what she did. That would make this seem like it was just a phase, and that's the last thing I want her to feel. I'm not a toddler who will just forget about what happened and then run back into your arms like everything is okay. No, I'm a grown man who you've now pissed off, and wants to prove a point.

I want her to realize that what she did is not acceptable, nor am I going to tolerate it. You either accept all of me, or none of me. Don't think you can say your point, shut me down, and then carry on with life! Because now, we're not friends. Now, you've broken that relationship we had, and now you have to either fix it, or let it go.

But that's what scares me. I'm scared she'll let it go. On the inside, I'm dying for her to just come to me and apologize and just want to talk it out. Allow for her to listen to my feelings and try to understand, at least make an effort. I don't want things to be this way. No matter what front I put on, I only want us to be friends again. Everyday it hurts me, knowing that I have to be blunt with her and shun her because she can't accept me? All because of something so stupid. All in all, I miss her.

Combined altogether with the notion of college, everything starts to add up. This weekend, I felt all of that. I woke up and went to job number one and felt like I was there forever to have to come home to the bad aura that surround it, to have to go back to work and feel like an idiot, to come home back to the horrible aura and know that I should probably read and practice my piano pieces. All of that, and then to remember that I have to do that ALL over again tomorrow. It's like a never ending cycle!

All I want to do at this point in time is snuggle into the arms of my incredible boyfriend as he strokes my hair and kisses my cheek... Or do that annoying ball tapping thing he does st the worst times! But just to be in a situation where I don't feel much obligation, and I don't feel like an idiot. Even though there are plenty occasions where I feel like an idiot around him, but none of them conquer the love and (lack of 😜) affection he shows me.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know what to do. I wish I could just be a kid again where my biggest worry was if I ripped my pull ups! *sigh* oh life, you certainly know how to spoil a guy. There's no other easy to explain it other than I'm Just. Plain. Tired.

~Be Breezy~

The Real Gay Agenda

I am soo sorry to have disappeared on such a huge hiatus. Sadly to say, I still only have my same excuse of, "Life got ahold of me." A lot has changed since my last post, things that I hope to inform you all of a lot sooner than later. However, today's post is going to be something I have been trying to write about since I created this blog. This post actually was created as my second essay for my English composition class. The topic was to convince the reader to want to watch a show, so I decided to make this my first post in my return, however, it will go from being entirely a persuasive to be a conversation and a completion of my professor's questions and remarks. So without further ado, grab some tea and let's have a go!

All gay people are disgusting! Having unprotected sexual encounters, and not to mention molesting kids! (Yes professor, one of the WORST completely unfounded misconception ever!) All they want to do is ruin the fundamentals of life, marriage, and our youth! They can't really have kids, so what are they really contributing to life? Those flamboyant, dress wearing gays, and butch, masculine lesbians ain't nothin but trouble! Those are all comments that are continuously thrown at the gay community. The gay community is one big generalization to the world. Just look at shows like HBO's Looking and ABC Family's The New Normal. These  shows do nothing but continue these stereotypes hung on the door of what it means to be gay. How will the world ever understand the true gay agenda? First things first, turn on your televisions to ABC Family on Mondays at 9 o'clock, 8 o'clock central, and tune in to the gay community's life on a screen, The Foster's.

Viewers might be asking, "What's wrong with shows like The New Normal and Modern Family? The problem with these shows is the misrepresentation of what a gay person and gay couple look like. All they are doing is suggesting a new conceot, but continuing the same social ignorance and state of mind. What state of mind might these shows be expressing? That every family needs a mommy and a daddy and in ever relationship there is a woman and the man. Yeah, they are absolutely introducing the world to two men being in a relationship, but one of these men were OBVIOUSLY made out to be the girlfriend/mommy, whilst the other is made out to be the boyfriend/daddy. In The New Normal, Justin Bartha is made out to be the man in the relationshio, although he still follows the basic stereotypes of a gay man Meanwhile, his partner, Andrew Rannells, is about as manly as Legally Blonde's Elle Woods.

**Right here I'd like to answer one of my professor's statements. She writes in, "I think it is a 'beginning'. I think it might help the population embrace the concept of same-sex parents..." By "it" she is referring to my argument that each gay couple distinctively includes the idea of man and woman. I completely agree. The idea that both of these men would have to be flamboyant and one more flamboyant than the other keeps the viewers happy through entertainment. The producers have to please the people and the people want to see the flamboyant snaps and the exaggerated words. It is a beginning because at least we are being acknowledged, but is this how we should have been acknowledged from the start? Should we have allowed ourselves to be viewed in this stereotypical manner? My answer to this is pretty mixed.

I would say yes, that we should allow ourselves to be viewed in that way, but only to a certain point. A point that we have passed already. Before, we were only known as the ass fucking she wannabees! At least after those first representations we were seen as just she wannabees. But that's okay! There are gay men who are like that! Have high voices, a little more flamboyant than the rest, and over exaggerate things, and there's nothing wrong with that! If anything, that first view into our community let the world know that those men aren't harmful to people. However, I did say that my answer was double sided.

Like I said, we could be viewed in that manner, but until we reach the time where we realize that those roles are played out and are just plain ignorant. It's 2014 for Pete's sake! We know that not all gay people act like that, so portraying that on TV isn't helping the show, if anything, people are annoyed with that point of view. They know that that's not the only personality out there and they just want to see pure comedy, but not at the expense of their peers, colleagues, brothers and sisters.

**The same concept is applied to Modern Family. Jesse Tyler Ferguson plays our devoted husband, whilst Eric Stonestreet plays our loving stay-at-home "mom" that goes into the obvious field for women once the child is old enough to walk to school by themselves, a teacher. (I hate to say it, but it is true. Every old tv show and history books all say it and they couldn't help but lump the gay men with the women.) This indicates to the viewers that not only are both parties flamboyant, but they must participate in the religious views of man and woman. Not to say that there aren't gay men who are flanboyant, because there are; nor is this to bash the men who act in this manner. Simply,  that these two perpetuate the idea of man and woman being together, just with a different outer concept.

The HBO series Looking is no better. Although, television did make a milestone when they didn't create flamboyant characters, they still followed the bigoted state of mind that all gays want to do is sleep around and lead polygamous relationships because they obviously can't continue a monogamous relationship!  Within the first couple minutes of the first episode, his best friend is calling the main character, Patrick, a prude because he believed in the fundamentals of being in a relationship and not sleeping around. However, just when you start to gain some faith in the gay community, he sleeps with a random guy and does not proceed to have any further connection with him. Augustine, Patrick's best friend, is the artist of the griuo. He is also "the slut) of the grouo. This main character is in a monogamous relationship that he later turns into a threesome with a pornstar. The entire show could never continue without at least one scene for our horny viewers. They even included an episode with a very underexposed parade, Folsom Street Fair. Nothing says we're all about love and family like leather straps, whips, and masks. Way to stand up for the gay community.

All of these shows feed into the bigoted state of mind. When battles like proposition 8 and marriage equality arise, people are going to stick to what they know about gay people; Modern Family,  The New Normal, and heaven forbid, Looking. If the gay community is lucky, the general public will sympathize with Cameron Tucker's bubbly personality, but what the general public needs to see is who exactly they are hurting. They need to see the not all gay people act in the stereo typical fashion, again, not that there is anything wrong with that. They need to see that gay couples are not all about sex and entertainment. That gay families can function without the pairing of a mother and a father. They need to see The Foster's.

The Foster's is the first show to not only focus on a lesbian couple, an interracial lesbian couple at that, but also show a functioning relationship without social biases. A double Whammy! Most shows with heterosexual couples don't even deal with this big an issue is race! This sitcom not only takes on the social controversy of an interracial relationship, but also lesbian one; and they have mastered it beautifully. The couple is represented without bias to their race or their sexuality. Stephanie Foster is the Caucasian, "hard-ass" mom, being that she is a cop, while her wife, Lena Adams Foster, is the strong minded, but understanding principle. At the end of the day, they are presented as just moms. They are both stern when they have to be, but both the cuddling and loving type. And of course, what is any good sitcom with irony to the name? Their last names are Foster and they just so happen to be foster parents and legal parents.

Stephanie Foster, commonly known as Steff, is the biological mother of the eldest son, Brandon Foster, and adopted mother to twins, Marianna and Jesus, and hopefully soon to brother and sister pair, Callie and Jude. She was once married to Brandon's father, Mike, but broke up before the beginning of the actual show because of Steff's truth to being a lesbian. the two except no hard feelings and remain good friends. In actuality, they continue to be partners! However, being as she is a lesbian, of course this means they are partners in crime, literally. What connects Steff to most LGBT people is the loss of her relationship with her father. Her father refuses to acknowledge Steff's "change" which in the end bring them to a heated argument, which leads them on to a path of no return.

Lena Adams Foster is the adopted mother Brandon, Marianna, Jesus, and hopefully soon to Callie and Jude. Lena is the only one who is not biologically related to someone in the Fosters household, which soon brings her distress. She battles with the racism and bigotry of her African American mother, solely because of the challenges her mother thinks Lena will face being that she is of African American and Caucasian descent. She expresses to Marianna that blood cannot make her love for her any stronger, but when given the opportunity to be biologically related to a child will she give up on an opportunity?

This show is great for families. There is something for all age groups to engage and relate to. It has real life events, just with a comedic and dramatic effect put on them. What the show does for families is spark discussion. Interracial marriage, gay marriage, adoption, and correctional facilities are not always easy topics to bring up at the dinner table. And why not discuss feelings about these topics when presented right in front of you? Everything is presented in a family friendly manner, so you should take advantage. When Jesus is having sex, take that opportunity to have a conversation about the responsibilities of sex. When Mike battles alcoholism, take time to express the dangers of drinking. Or a crowd favorite, when little Jude puts on fingernail polish, take time to discuss with that could possibly need or everyone's feelings about it. Take time to discuss with each of these moments mane and tail and responsibilities and consequences behind them to your kids. They're going to learn about them anyway, why not control the learning process? Or if you don't have kids, these are great questions for significant others and other friends. This show not only keeps the viewers guessing, it also keeps all the viewers emotionally engaged. Whether it comes to Brandon's worry for his father, Callie's struggle to get her life together, or Marianna's strive to be accepted, or Jesus is battle with love, or Jude's connection with Connor, the viewer is always left with something to keep running back for more.

The Foster's is an overall great show, and it does wonders for the gay community. For once, we are showing the not every lesbian is "butch". We are shown that not all gay people are promiscuous. Gay people can have a future, and a happy ending. Gay people can have a family and a life afterwards. When people think of gay people, they finally have something realistic to think about. Now, when they think about tearing apart families, they'll have the faces of Jude, Jesus, Marianna, Callie, and Brandon to think about. Family isn't proven by blood, but by love. It's not where you came from, it's where you end up, and the Foster's house is a pretty awesome place to end up.

**To finish up this post, I want to bring up the last couple comments my professor wrote in. One of these comments were the interesting fact that Cam in Modern Family is played by a straight man, meanwhile the "daddy" character is the gay actor. Her question is if it becomes problematic that the straight actor plays the "mom/girlfriend" role. My answer to this is again on the fence.

To have a straight actor play a gay role proves how natural it is. It shows the world that being gay is truly not that big a deal. Just as the person would not freak out about performing a 2 second kiss with the opposite sex, what would be the difference with the same sex? It just shows an immense amount of respect towards the actor. To be able to take your career to a level of maturity of that nature is impressive, because not every actor will go that far, but it shows that we are not so much different.

Now, at the same time, it may be bad, but not in the same circumstance. It is still great that the straight actor doesn't mind playing a gay character, but if the role is in the stereotypical manner, does it help anything? This may make it look like the straight actor believes in these role rigidities, therefore, they never play a gay character with real chracteristics. They may continue to try out for the roles with the same stereotype and never grow.

The main point of this post is to acknowledge the fact that we have finally moved passed the time period that gay people may only be portrayed stereotypically on tv. We still have a couple of those shows coming up, but hopefully the producers are seeing just as quickly as the viewers that we are not amused with these silly Will & Grace remakes. It is time that we were represented as who we truly are, even if that means the public may lose a couple laughs. We want to try and educate people on our culture, and we've got to allow ourselves to be seen. At this time, I'd want to thank straight actors who portray us on TV and in movies with such finesse,  because it is truly wonderful for them to respect our culture enough to portray us and not disrespect it. On behalf of my community, thank you all.

~Be Breezy!~

Mother vs. Father

Well, everyone has heard about how I've felt about my dad, so I guess it's time to write about my mom. The person I first had a connection with. The person who gave me life. The person who I'm most scared to lose. Let's dive in.

I'd have to say I'm a huge mama's boy. It's alright, I admit it! I used to hang around my mother all the time! I used to want her to come with me everywhere,  and whenever she worked too much and we would be away, I would cry and get upset because I missed her soo much. I would get out of the car to chase her back, I was constantly creating these spontaneous, crazy gifts for her for mother's day and her birthday. I'm her youngest, of course I'm a mama's boy because she held onto me the longest! That and because I'm her favorite, whether she wants to admit to it or not.

What makes her different from my dad? My dad always gave off this cold attitude. He was very inapproachable, which wasn't very inviting to me and my friends. My mom is different. She's funny, very inviting, and always has that come bug me look. I am highly sarcastic, and she understood that and would joke with it. Me, my brother, and my cousins always felt like we could just laugh and have a good time with my mother; meanwhile with my dad, he never really joked with us. If I was joking or being sarcastic about something, he'd take it seriously.

One time my mom joked about giving me a beer and she pulled out a water. He gave her a dirty look followed by a, "I was getting ready to slap you upside the head". Obviously it was a joke. But that's the kind of stuff that makes the connection with me. I don't like that I can't joke around with a person. I'm serious when I need to be, not 24/7.

My mom made it easy for us to ask her things because she didn't carry that cols attitude. When my dad said no, it felt personal. Like he was saying no specifically because he didn't like us. I know that's not why, but that's the way it felt, and when you're going to ask something, you kind of want to be let down easily. When we asked her, she would generally joke about saying no, but mean it. It would make for about little wiggle room to get a yes, but it felt more easing when she said no because when she said it, it was no to what we were asking. Plus, when I ask something, she talks to us about it. Whenever my dad talks about something, it doesn't even feel like he's talking to us. It feels like he's talking through us with all this information, which to me, half the time is irrelevant.

Modesty. Now this isn't a huge thing, but it's just something that annoys me about my dad. I know what both my parents have done for me. I know that they have done this on their own and half the time, didn't have the money for it. My dad is constantly boasting to his friends and no in front of us about how he got all this and how he is entitled. I'm the big chief around here, I'm the one who makes the law. Boy you guys don't know how good you got it! Nothing annoys me more. My mom doesn't do that. She's never constantly boasting or anything. She let's everyone admire what she's got and she keeps it pushing. Enter clapping hands emoji here.

So why did I choose to write about this? How am I relating this to being gay? My upbringing versus my coming out. My dad has said since day one that if we were grown up enough to make the decision to be gay, then we were grown up enough to be on our own. He made it very clear that he was against it and does not condone any of it. I have a gay cousin on my mother's side and he was very set on talking to him about it. He wanted to tell him he was wrong for it and it is because he grew up with all women. But he wouldn't take that out of us; we grew up with a man around. My sister used to tell me that I shouldn't even tell my dad in person because he may cause harm because of it. His entire feelings towards the matter created a bigger disconnection than anything.

I lost any interest in somebody who would only always try to change me. Since I was younger, if I had acted not manly in any sense, I was made known of it and told to stop it immediately. He made me scared to be me. I realized quickly that who I was, I couldn't admit to him. I never connected anything of what I was doing to be gay, I was just being me, which obviously my dad didn't like. So I tightened up. I created this false version of myself, which soon became me. Whenever I fell out of that tight rope of a personality, I became paranoid and would bug my friends about it.

Soon, I realized it was ok to be me. There was nothing wrong with the way I acted or the way I did things, it was my dad who had the problem. I liked who I was and who I am. I figured, if he didnt, then don't stick around me. I began to stray away from him so that he didn't have time to say anything, or he didn't have enough time to process it. He had already morphed me enough, as I grow to be the man I'm going to be, I have to like me, I don't need to care about what anyone else thinks. Naturally, this created a very thick wall between us, one I was not willing to let down.

My mom was a little bit different. She never told us that she would kick us out for being gay, but she still made it very clear that she was against it. She would say things like little faggot, or it looks faggish. She would tell us that it was ungodly and how it would never be accepted. She told me, there was no place for people like that.

My mom had this ability to hurt my feelings. Not something many people have. Most of the time, I brush off what people think about me or something else. What they said didn't affect me, and if it was about me, you were way too irrelevant to me and or your word didn't mean shit to me. But with her, ever since I was a kid, I would be upset with her because she had said something that deeply hurt me. This is no different.

She made me scared to be me because of fear of losing her. Even if she didn't kick me out, she wouldn't like me. What if she referred me to be the little faggot or everything I did to be very faggish? It would hurt. Especially coming from someone who I loved very much and didn't want to lose. I created that tight rope of a personality to keep her in my life. I figured she wouldn't like me if I was anything else. It wasn't fair, and it wasn't fun.

I remember how she would make me feel. Whenever she talked about gay people, she was disgusted. She would say that they are all diseased and they had no place. I knew not to believe her ignorant comments, but it still hurt. To think, that's what she thought of me. I remember when we were in the car one day and being gay came up somehow and I said people don't care anymore and she responded with no matter how much time passes, they will NEVER be accepted. I remember in that moment, I just wanted to jump out of the moving car right into traffic.

More than anything all I wanted was for her to continue liking me and stay in my life. I realized that if I had told her about me, she would never like me again. Recently she would talk to me about being gay and I asked her what would she do if I was and she responded with I wouldn't know what to do. Whenever my friends would ask me why aren't I out to my mom, I would relate them to my biggest fear: I'm not out to my mom because I can't deal with the reality of her not being able to look at me. Whenever I walked into the kitchen, she wouldn't utter a word to me because she wouldn't like who I was. I never felt any closer to that until that night that she told me she wouldn't know what to do. I knew it would take her time, but I myself couldn't deal with those 2-3 weeks of her not being able to look at me.

This passed weekend, I was outed to my mom by my aunt. She said She needed to know. My biggest fear was beginning to become a reality and I had no control over it.

I was planning to come out to her. Just not now. I knew if I came out to her, I would then have to tell my dad. Which again, I was not prepared for. I would have sat her down and talked to her about who I was and how I got here. How I felt so alone. How years ago I hated myself for it. How I tried nothing more than to change myself. Then how it changed me; broadened my horizons. How I became a better person because of it. What brought me here. What support groups I had. Everything.

I wanted her to be apart of my life that I had accepted. This life that I loved more than anything. I wanted to show her with how happy I was. The amount of people who didn't care. The friends I have made because of the connections. The creativity it had brought me. The love it had connected me to.

I wasn't intending her to find out that way. If anything, I would have never guessed that out of everyone, my aunt was the one who would hurt both me and my mother in this way. After all, she had a gay son who lived with her. Why would she want to hurt us both like that? To have somebody who could now understand?  I don't think so, I don't believe she's that kind of person. I believe she was just as drunk as my cousins were saying. Either way, it wasn't right for her to take that away from me. I was supposed to tell her myself. Not have my mom find out from her aunt who may have just wanted to be even.

But now I've got to deal with this,  and then soon after with my father. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, but these are the cards I have been dealt and now I've got to play them with the best strategy I can give: honesty. It's time to play the cards, let's see how they unfold.

Finally. . .

Hey everyone! I'm sorry for being MIA for the last couple of months. You know how life is, it picks up. And boy oh boy, mine has certainly picked up! Sit down, grab your drink, and let's talk.

In my last post, I broke down and completely admitted my problem. I swallowed my pride and I said it. I'm lonely. For months, I had been drowning in my own pain and being consumed by it. I was waiting for love to pass me by so I could finally feel completed. I didn't have anyone to cuddle with, no one to share affection towards, and no one to ditch my friends for. As a result of this, I began to create problems that didn't exist in my head. I would indulge myself elsewhere and create a well focused problem to veer my loneliness. In conclusion, I wasn't in the right state of mind. . .

Now, to my readers who read closely at what I was saying in that last paragraph, you'll notice a change in pace. "I would; I wasn't; I didnt." That's all past tense words! That's right everyone, my time has come.

No longer will I be drowning in my own sorrows of loneliness. No longer will I have to be told, "My time will come," Or "He's coming as fast as he can!" And especially, "You can't go looking for him." I had hated being told that stuff, and it had never helped anything. But now, that's over. My time has come, he's finally made it, and I can stop looking for him.

Now I'm sure EVERYONE wants to hear how I met my handsome change of pace! As much as I hated hearing, "You can't go looking for him," ironically enough, I looked for him! It was back towards the end of April where I had my National Honor Society "Passing of the Torch" ceremony where us graduating NHS members were handing off our positions to the following class NHS members.

That day had been a complete blow to me because I had to go get something done for my car, which ALWAYS meant, my dad was coming. Now, I didn't mind too much because my dad is a good heckler, so he could get me a good deal. But in turn, he was around to lecture me and bug me. After we checked some things out, while he was inside, I decided to wipe my car down and when he came out, judgement came along with him.

Of course, he eyed down my outfit and complained that my clothes were way too tight and how I didn't have to follow the crowd. He had been telling me and my brother to be leaders and to create our own style for years, but the second I come up with a style I like, he's got everything to say about it! I brushed it off as I normally do and continued to ask him if I could go to wing night with a couple of friends. As I explained in a previous post, all wing night is is just a cheap dinner with a bunch of broke friends. We all have bills and shit to pay for, so we don't always have money for Red Robin's (Yum!), or chili's! So why not take advantage of a cheap, well cooked dinner?!

He continued with his usual, you always go to wing night, and then lectured me about who I was going with because one of my friends is gay and the rest of them are girls, to which he proceeded to tell me no, I couldn't go. At this point, I was completely infuriated. Not only was I going to the NHS induction ceremony by myself, but I also couldn't go to celebrate this evening with my friends! To see all my peers and the other kids getting worshipped and praised by their parents, I sat alone in on stage, not getting cheered for, and feeling more lonely than ever.

I didn't want to stay for cake and be surrounded by a bunch of people I didn't know or even cared about, so directly after the ceremony, I left and went to wing night anyways to at least catch up with my friends. I joked around with two of my friends from work and explained I couldn't stay long. I soon pointed out three guys in the room who had caught my eye in a joking matter, but I would have pounced on them in a second! This is where things picked up. . .

I knew the one guy I pointed out was the owner, so he was one: too old for me. And two: not gay. But between the other two guys, the one guy really caught my eye. This guy had been everything I had always dreamed in a man! He was blonde, he had pretty blue eyes, a beard, glasses, and had been chunky in all the right places! I couldn't believe it, and I was ogling over him the entire time!

Soon after I told my friends, I believe he looked up at me, to where I did what any smart man would do when they get caught looking. . . Quickly turn away and pretend you weren't staring!!! After we both exchanged a couple of looks, he got up and went to the bathroom. A lot of time passed in between those looks, so I thought nothing of it. He was obviously older than me, and he probably wasn't even gay! I assumed there wasn't much to look at, so he glanced over here. As soon as we seen him disappear into the bathroom, my friends push me to go into the bathroom with him. After a completely ludicrous argument, I finally gave into their pleading and went into the bathroom with him. Whilst in there, I complimented him on his shoes, which he then uttered in the cutest, highest, flamboyant voice, "Thanks!"

I was astonished. I couldn't believe it. I find a handsome guy that I'm attracted to, and he actually turns out to be gay! This excited me, but I still wasn't willing to go talk to him. He was still probably 10 years older than me, so there was no point to me. Then we continued to exchange looks between each other, where I continued to giggle, squeal, and panic like a little school girl. Finally, my friends gave me a push when his friend disappeared, and I thought he saw me; I figured, he's seen me look at him and now getting pushed, might as well! I thought I'd never see him again, and I happened to eat my words when he said, "You're soo cute!" After I extended my offer to take him to dinner.

That night, we texted until midnight, where we made plans to meet for dinner that friday. Five dates later, I had asked him to be my boyfriend and another date after that, he told me yes. Ever since May 2, 2014, I had been a very happy, committed man.

Now we face a new challenge, long distance. But that'll be for another post! Maybe after my first day or week in West Virginia. Until then everyone, take care. And as always,

~Be Breezy~

I Admit It...

I don't know how structured this will be more how long this will be. I normally have a flow of ideas going, but not this time. I'm going to try something that I don't do very often... Open up.

I never really open up; It's just not who I am. I had been raised to deal with my own problems and learned as I grew up not to complain. But lately, bottling things up just haven't been the answer. So I came here to start. To express how I feel. To admit what I had been denying for years now.

I'm lonely. I'm lonely and it bugs me, a lot. It bugs me so much that... That I can't even compare it to anything. Every waking moment I am sulking in it. I'm bottling up the tears that are desperate to come out because to me it sounds ridiculous. It sounds incredibly selfish and childish to be upset over something like that. Everyday people are starving and are running on E all the time, but that's one of my biggest issues?

Maybe It's because I'd been single for almost my entire life. I'm not okay with that. I'm a very cuddly and loving person, and I never got to express that towards anyone. My first "relationship" was when I was 10 and it lasted almost 9 months. I don't really count that because I was 10 for Christ's sake! I didn't give a rats ass about what we were! We had never even held hands let alone kissed! The most relationship part of that relationship was the fact that we talked on the phone everyday for about an hour, which I did with my regular friends anyways. After that ended, I hadn't really dated anyone else. I might have had two "relationships" after that til now, but they weren't real.

I describe them as "relationships" because it was just junior high school and mainly pity. I was maybe 11 and those girls didn't really like me, nor did I like them. We all had our sites set elsewhere. Granted mines was on my gay music teacher... But none of then were real. They felt bad for me and we were friends before that, so they didn't want to hurt me. So they said yes, only to end in then breaking up with me because "we were better as friends."

I had never dated anyone I really wanted to be with. At that, I had never dated anyone period, which just starts to weigh on a person like me. To look back through the years and see that no one could or would reciprocate the love that I coukdve given is saddening. I've always been told I'd make the perfect boyfriend, but no one ever gave me the chance to be. It makes me feel unwanted.

Everywhere I go I am reminded that I have no one to love me. No one to comfort me when I am sad; no one to call me annoying at times, but they love me anyways; and no one to go out with me. Everytime I go to work, my friends will talk about how they have another date with another guy, yet I'm over here listening, and waiting for my turn to arrive.

I've always been told that my time will come. I know it will. Chances are, I will meet a wonderful guy and get married and have kids and live happily ever after... But that's not what I'm upset about and that is certainly not what bothers me day in and day out. What bothers me is the journey there. The constant lunches by myself. The frequent nights I spend alone. The void of "I love you's" being passed around. Those moments where time seems to stand still and you feel on too of the world. Those days where you are just exhausted and all you want to do is lie down, talk about your day, and relax with the person you love, but none of that can be brought to life because you're still waiting for your time to come.

I wanted to be in love more than anything. It was my main push in my coming out process. I wanted to come out of the closet to be free of the rumors and questions that brought upon embarrassment and stress, but there was a much bigger reason. To find love. To find a guy who would care for me and show it to me everyday. To be able to date and explore my options. To be able to know how to be in a relationship so when I'm 25 looking for a partner, I'll know what I'm doing. But it didn't work out that way...

When I came out, I felt that huge weight get propped up. I felt as though I didn't have to hide and like I could be me. I had that feeling of acceptance without judgement and it felt phenomenal. But after all of that, I felt alone. Isolated. Lost. That huge weight was a lot lighter, but still there. I had no one who was like me. I had no one to get into a "relationship" with. I had eradicated my chance to date anyone, to be in a position where I couldn't date anyone. I felt better knowing I wasn't hurting anyone or wasting some girl's time by dating me, but I was hurting.

I know my time will come and that is the last thing I want to hear. I know my prince is coming as fast as he can, I don't want to hear that either. I know I'm young and have the rest of my life to date and should enjoy my youth! But the truth is, I can't. I wish people would stop telling me all those things. What I really need and want... Is a hug. Just a long warm hug. A hug of reassurance. A hug of hope.

I'm sorry this was such a depressing post, but this was something I had to het out. I always come off as such a happy go lucky guy, but everyone has their dark moments, and this is mine. My name is Kaseem Parsley, and I'm Lonely.

~Be Breezy~

I'm Jealous

One of the most annoying things people can say, and my dad always says, is gay people make the choice to be gay. They always say how they don't feel bad for them when they get bullied or treated unfairly because they wished it upon themselves. They asked for it by leading the lives that the bible calls a sin. But it you think about it... That really doesn't make sense.

Now I'm not saying that gay people are necessarily born gay, because I don't have any clue. However, I will say two things: if I made the decision to be gay, I certainly don't remember making it and it must've really stuck because of how hard I've tried to change. Two, why would I chose to be gay if I knew it would lead my life to such danger and despair? Why would I constantly and deliberately chose to live a life where I could be potentially attacked because someone foesnt think It's right? That doesn't even make sense! All those kids who killed themselves because they felt that it was all over for them, why didn't they just change if it was a choice?! If they were getting bullied to the point they felt suicide was their only answer, why didn't they just decide to be straight? Because if that was the case, don't you think they would have done it?

Now this post isn't about whether or not being gay is a choice or if you're born that way. I don't think I could write a post on that because there is just no way to tell for sure. Although I could make a good argument as to why we would be born that way, but frankly, it doesn't matter to me. Who cares?! Why does it matter? What would that change? The person is still gay! Or trans or bisexual! Who are you to tell then otherwise?!

No. This post is about a gay person's jealousy, and not only any gay person's, mine. In one of my previous posts, I wrote about how everything that was bad that happened to me, I blamed on being gay. I'm jealous of the people who don't have to deal with that. All those people who just have accidents, can just call them accidents. There was a time when I used to be a lot worse, but currently, It's still there. Faint, but still there. I crashed my car because I was a gay best friend. If I were straight, I wouldn't have had that problem. I would have told her no and hung out with the guys because I wouldn't have found her attractive and cared.

I'm jealous of the guys who have support from all ends. The people who come out of the closet and get praised from their parents, I'm jealous. I wish I had that! Instead, I get lecture after lecture about why I shouldn't be gay and how it is not the way to live. Instead, I get to worry everyday about getting kicked out of my house because my parents found out that I'm gay. Instead, I get to live a double life that must not intersect. I'm happy for those people who get the support we all crave, but I wish I had it.

I'm jealous of the LGBT people who have the sexiest friends that all share the same trait: their homosexuality. They hang out all the time and post pictures on instagram about how gay they are and how they always have a good time, while I get lectured about how all my friends are girls and they'll take advantage of me. While they get to hang around each other and talk about boys, I'll hang out with my straight friends and be forced to listen to them ogle and fantasize about girls, while they ignore and shut out anything gay. Or I can hang out with my girl friends and be one of the girls and be forced to listen to guy troubles and only their problems. All those guys who have bromances with their gay friends and just have fun. If I had gay bear friends, we could have as much fun as those guys on ny instagram feed have.

I'm jealous of those guys that get to date other hot guys. They get to go to these bear runs and gay clubs and party with all these guys that all want to hook up too and have a good time, while I'm over here working. Instead of getting to cruise guys at the bars or on scruff, I get to pick from the selection of girls I don't want to date! There aren't any gay guys around here that are my age, and if they are, they're not my kind of cute! I don't get that huge selection of people to date from. I am forced to stay single and datwless until I move out on my own.

I'm jealous of those guys that are always in new relationships or even in just one great one. They post all of these adorable pictures of them being such a cute couple, while I am single over here, have never been in a real relationship let alone gone on a date, and cuddle with my teddy bears. Those guys get cute text messages, almost always have someone yo hang out with, and have someone who cares for them. I would kill to have that. To have someone who likes to talk to me. Someone who wants to take pictures with me and play music. Someone who sends me cute little texts that make me smile. Someone who fights with me because we never hang out. Someone who just wants to cuddle up and watch a movie with me. Someone to kiss. Someone to hold me. Just someone.

Lastly, I'm jealous of the straight people. They don't have to fight for their right to love. They're allowed to get married to whoever they want. They're allowed to have the perfect family because they have a mommy and a daddy and biological kids. They get to hold hands in public without worrying if someone finds them disgusting or their love a sin. Us as homosexuals get fight day in and day out for equal treatment by the government. We get to be told our family isn't real or our kids aren't really ours because we didn't have them biologically and we are a family of two dads or two moms. We get to worry about who is going to hurt us because people are cruel and would go as far as violence to tell us our love is wrong.

I'm jealous of straight people because they don't have to worry about being hurt because of who they are. They don't have to go to school because they are teased about how they are disgusting or are a faggot/carpet munched/ butt pirate. They don't have to worry about who leaves them or who will disown them because their way of life is unacceptable. But at least us gays do! We get to hide the part of us that should be the most celebrated. We get to tortured and taught that we're all alone and no one will ever accept us. We get shunned by our parents and closest friends because we're disgusting and only want to get with them. Lastly, we get told hateful things like you deserve this because you chose to be gay.

Just to let it be known, I love my life. No matter how much I may complain or be upset about it, I love who I am and the life I have lived and I wouldn't change it. I am also happy for all those people who exhibit all those traits and factors that I wished I had. I don't in any way wish they didn't have them. They worked hard and lived their own suffering to get where they are. Although I love my life, I do wish I had some of those traits and factors. It'd make me a lot happier in these moments.

I also didn't intend for it to be a post about how gay people would be born gay rather than they chose to be gay, but you see how that works. Why would we chose to be gay when everything I just said I'm jealous of other people about, we experience EVERYDAY. Like I said, it just doesn't make sense.

Thanks to everyone who read this post. I hope everyone has a great day!

~Be Breezy!~