The Public's Right To Know

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in a while, been super busy. But I have been thinking about what to write and what to say. So I haven't left everyone completely hanging. So here is today's post!

Back in my sophomore year in high school, I was in a GSA. In this group, we were making a project and teacher's names were thrown around to help us. I might have asked if there were any gay teachers, but one of the guidance counselors came up. The advisor of our club admitted to us that he was gay. I couldn't believe it, I was truelly astonished. But I couldn't believe it. I still had some misconceptions and stereotypes about being gay that I held with me and couldn't match any with him.

Later on that year, I heard rumors going around that he really was gay. I still couldn't believe it. So I asked him if he was married, which he replied, no I am not married. So again, I stood there in astonishment.

Once I had actually considered in my head that he was gay, I thought so much more of him. Not in a sexual way, but in a fascinated way. I wanted to know so much about him and his story, but I knew he wouldn't talk about it. At that point, I had been left with the idea of him being gay and never a sure answer. So I kind of forgot about it, but everytime I seen him since that year, it always crossed my mind.

I was at a point in my life where I felt like I needed a feeling of understanding, but I couldn't find the type of understanding I wanted from kids, I needed it from people of experience. I wanted to hear those coming out stories that I had watched all night sometimes in person. I wanted to hear that it was going to be ok from someone who actually knew. Someone who had been through it. Someone who knew exactly what I needed.

So a couple of weeks ago, a friend and I were hanging out after school and he came up. My friends said she had seen him with his boyfriend at a restaurant and they were holding hands. At this point I was pissed. Why? Because maybe a couple days before that, I told him about me.

I was in the office just killing time and hanging out as I normally do, and he happened to have had free time which he spent talking to me. Now, this man is not my guidance counselor. I had only known him because he introduced himself to me freshman year to tell me how phenomibal I was as a person. But anyways, we were just talking about our summers and what we did and just random conversation. After a bit of rambling, I brought up how I was planning to move out and why. Like I said, I came out to him, but in more words than it could have been said in. I didn't come straight out with it, I insinuated it; but any person with a brain could figure out what the hell I was talking about!

So when my friend had told me that he was gay, I was a little angry. I had pretty much laid my entire situation out to him and he couldn't tell me anything. I understand coming out is a hard process and a personal one, but if you know what that process is like, why wouldn't you try and help another coming out soul?

Only one part of me is a little peeved. The other part of me understands. If he is gay, maybe he isn't in a place where he feels he could come out and help anyone. But at the same time, I feel like if you're gay, you have a responsibility to help gay youth understand themselves or help guide them, or if you are in the same place, at least let each other know that you are not alone.

For years I had been looking for someone to relate to. Someone who had been in my position and could just give me a hug and let me know everything was going to be alright. All the weird conversations and weird feelings, they won't be there anymore. Even if they do happen to appear, they won't hurt as much because they aren't as strong as they used to be. That love was going to be knocking on my door. That my family wouldn't leave or react to badly. That I would meet many people like me that I could connect me.

This is an argument a lot of gay people have towards celebrities. One of whom was Anderson Cooper. Everyone knew for years that he was gay, but didn't have assurance and therefore, a lot of stereotypes hadn't been broken. A lot of those years, there were fights and campaigns he could've been helping fight and push, but didn't. It almost made it seem like he was ashamed of being gay. Him and all the other gay celebrities like Jodie Foster and Jane Lynch. Is that the message that you really want to send to gay youth? That your job is more important than who you are and what you stand for? That you should have to hide who you are because your job place isn't accepting of it? Yes, you will have to give some things up for work, but in a public position, you should want to help. Your coming out could stop that child who had been pushed to his last nerve and ready to jump realize that he is not alone. You could give that kid who felt like he couldn't make it as a reporter or a basketball player or a football player so he decided to give up on everything, the hope that he had been looking for.

Me, being who I am, decided to come out sophomore year. Not only because I was tired of hiding and wanted to find someone, but also to help tear down some of these misconceptions and stereotypes about being gay that everyone thought was true. I am gay and black. A lot of people expected me to be feminine, dress in women's clothing, wear make up, etc. But since I came out, a lot of people who thought that had their view broadened. Why wouldn't anyone want to help with that? It's not hard. All you have to do is speak up.

All I had to was admit who I was to people and then be myself. That's all you have to do sometimes. Sometimes, It's just giving a hug to help people. In this case, all you had to do was be honest. I asked him in the hallway one day in passing, but didn't come straight out with it and he told me he wasn't, but he knew people that were.

I felt horrible because if he wasn't, then I had been having all these mean thoughts and stuff about him for no reason and he had been doing exactly what I wanted, to be honest. But if he was lying, I feel bad because I made him worry about if he was doing a good job of hiding. I wanted to apologize, but I couldn't get up the courage.. I might have pushed his coming out further back than what it wad going to be. All because I was being selfish.

I had wanted help on who I was and wanted someone to relate to me, but I was so frustrated that I hadn't considered the fact that he was in the closet. I know what that's like, to try and fit in, but being seen right through as if you were a diary being hidden behind a window. To try and be something you're not and have it knocked right down.

But I still think in that circumstance, he could have admitted it because I had already admitted it to him that I was gay, so I could've related to him too. But what do you think? Should a person in the public eye have a responsibility to come out? Why and why not? I'd really like to know and all questions  and responses are welcome.

I hope everyone is having a great thanksgiving break and has happy holidays. Hopefully I could get another post out before Christmas. Right now this cub is off to work. Hope everyone is well! Take care!

~Be Breezy!~

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

I'm sick of being here I can't take it anymore! I feel like I'm wasting my time. Nothing here seems important. I could be out working or meeting new people or even working on music! I could be doing something productive to help get me closer to figuring out my future. What am I talking about? What Is this hell hole I speak of? I call it jail, but most others refer to it as high school.

I'm in my senior year of high school and I'm just done with it! There's nothing really going on. We're bot really doing anything where It's like we can't graduate or anything, so I guess that's what makes it seem like nothing. I'm not even there for long. I have to get up WAY too early to just go for two chore classes and two Bullshit classes. I probably wouldn't feel as bad about it if I had classes that I took a lot of interest in. In my previous years, I've taken all the music classes and now all I'm left with is piano which I've had three times. I would just like to leave and figure what I want to do for the rest of my life and be on my way!

Maybe if I had some people to really interact with, but I don't. Now I'm a big people person and can make friends anywhere, anyhow. The problem comes forth where I feel I can't connect with everyone. I like to be crazy and wild, but yet very mature and steady. I like to make dark jokes that go waayyy too far, but like civilized mature conversation. This explains why most of my friends lately have been older, I just connect with them better. They aren't caught up with kiddy drama or anything, just talk.

Most of the kids nowadays are so caught up in being ghetto and loud and other stupid shit. Otherwise, they are uppity and I just don't relate to them. Outside of school, I have a wider variety of people to talk to and meet, while in school, I'm stuck with what I got for 180 days...

I think if I had that group of friends I could connect and hang with, it wouldn't be so bad. I lost that group of friends when I became a junior and later a senior. All of my friends moved on to college and/or are doing their own thing. Meanwhile, I'm stuck here with the group of people I never really connected with and forced to deal with it. Now I'm stuck with all the annoying, immature athletes in my class and the whiney, uppity girls that surround them.

But that'd what I've got for now. I've just got to keep trucking until June and then I'm out of here! Thanks for reading and sorry this wasn't really a gay oriented post. The next one definetly will be. How everyone had a great day!

Bisexuality

This is a very hard topic to talk about. Why? Because it is something that is even hard for me to comprehend. I've held myself from starting this post from lack of knowledge or what exactly to say. But I thought to share my thoughts.

Bisexuality is the personal attraction of both genders instead of one like gay or straight. For me, as for most gay people, bisexuality was a stepping stone. It was easier to come out and say I'm bi, rather than I'm gay. This is because in the minds of those coming out, it let's you know that I'm still half normal. When I first started telling people, I was always telling them I'm bi because I was always scared to say gay. I figured that if they thought I still liked girls, they'd still like me. Of course, this poses many problems.

One of these problems, which isn't that bid a deal, is letting them know later down the line that you're not really bisexual, you're gay. The main problem this poses is the belief in bisexuality. Most people don't believe in bisexuality because most gay people just use it as a stepping stone. Or for straight people, it is used to explain experimentation. Which leaves the questioning person thinking, is there such thing? Can a person truelly be attracted to both sexes?

When I was younger, I pretty much knew that I hadn't felt anything towards girls. I was always watching gay porn and always found myself looking at guys. But when it came to me defining who I am, came along questions. At first I was definite, but every now and then I find myself questioning the statement I am gay. I still only watch gay porn and find myself imagining about men, but women cross me as a phenomenon. I don't think of them sexually, just romantically. With men, I think of then sexually and romantically. So where does that leave me?

When first defining myself, I never get like bisexual described me. I always felt weird saying and even describing myself as bi, as if it didn't fit me. When I figured I was gay, it almost clicked. It still felt weird at first, but it felt heartwarming, homey. It gave me a feeling of peace for the second... But does that make it true? What if I'm interpreting that wrong? Maybe now I've just gotten so accustomed to saying I'm gay that anything else feels weird to describe me.

When first defining myself, I figured I was just like Ricky Martin. I was able to deter whether or not a woman was good-looking or even sexy, but when it came down to it, women were not for me. I work with this girl who I could potentially see myself dating... She's cute and we're always joking around, but is it just flirting? Or am I really feeling something towards her? When we sat down and talked, I think some of those feelings were starting to fade, but why? Where'd they go? I never have those feelings towards guys.

But what about in general? Can a person truelly love a woman just as equally as they love a man? Can it not just solely be based on sex? I honestly don't know. Especially since most of the people I know end up with a person of the opposite sex and/or end up saying they are attracted to the opposite side more. And girls don't make the arguments easier! They always go for these lebianic experiences and say they're gay or bi now, but then will turn around and say they're strictly dickly!

They're are soo many things that go against bisexuality that honestly puts everything and everyone against them. I hate it because It's pretty much shunning people who are truelly bisexual and telling them they are a lie. But those are the very same people who need to speak up and tell their stories. But I open this up to all you readers. What do you think about bisexuality? Do you think It's real? Why and why not? Let me know cause I'd honestly like to hear some input. Hope everyone had a great weekend. It's back to work and school for me tomorrow. Have a great week everyone!

~Be Breezy~

Coming Out

Today is a very special day. A day we as the LGBT community come together to celebrate a wonderful time in each other's lives. A very wonderful and personal point in time for us all. This day we pay tribute to on October 11 is called National coming out day.

A lot of straight people think this is kind of irrelevent, but they don't understand the importance of coming out. Coming out for anyone is a huge point in a person's life. It is a point in life where a person finds the courage to accept themselves for who they are and let the world know who they are. For LGBT people, this may include coming out as transgender, bisexual, lesbian, or in my case, gay. But coming out comes in different forms. For some people they may come out as a furry, or a gleek, or even an anime geek. Either way, acceptance is the key.

Another thing about coming out, It's something that never ends. We as different people are ALWAYS coming out. Most people will never know certain things about a person unless someone comes out and tells them. I am one of those people who breaks stereotypes pretty well, so with that, I'm constantly having to come out and tell people I'm gay. And of course with that comes with the second coming out as a gay cub. But just because people come out all the time doesn't make it any easier.

Coming out is never easy. Especially the first couple of times. My first time coming out was terrifying. I remember my heart racing and my head going light, and I didn't even do it in person! The first person I told was this butch lesbian who was soo sure I was gay, but I came out to her as bisexual. We weren't close or anything, I guess I just felt like she really couldn't overreact to me because me and her really weren't very different. But after her brought upon the coming out to one of my closest friends. Again, very terrified and hesitant, and still not even in person. I couldn't even get up the courage to do it over instant messaging, I did it through a MySpace email. My heart was racing all the way until he called me later that day and he said he didn't really care. From there, it didn't get much easier.

Sometimes people feel coming out is a lot easier after the first time. That wasn't entirely true for me... I came out to some of my closest friends as bisexual, which wasn't really the truth. It took me until my sophomore year in high school to gain up the courage to ever try coming out again. My next coming out was in a GSA where I was completely choked up and damn near ashamed to say it in front of people who barely knew me and were in the same situation!

From there came the last time I was ever scared of coming out, which was when I decided to come out in school. In this case, I was completely full of anxiety because I knew what I was going to do, just how when was I going to do it? I first told my activity bus driver and we talked for a while about it and I got a little more comfortable and then the next day I ended up just blurting it out at the end of class and everyone accepted it and moved on.

I cherish my coming out and am very proud of it. As should everyone else, which is why I put so much feeling into this day. This is our day to appreciate and reflect on these memories and share our stories in pride and victory. I hope this tradition continues and everyone celebrates the true meaning of coming out. Happy national coming out day and thanks for reading! Feel free to share your stories or kik me or instagram me. Have a great night everyone!

~Be Breezy~

LGB... What's the last letter?

The other day, I was incredibly disgusted. I was so blatantly shocked this happened to us. I know things like this happen all the time, which doesn't make it ok, but I wasn't expecting that to happen that night. It even escalated to the cops being called... Sit down and let me tell you a story...

The other night, me and a couple of friends went to a gay club in Wilkes-Barre and met a couple of great people and decided to go out afterwards. We had decided to go to McDonalds because it was cheap, down the street, and we were hungry. So we go into McDonald's and meet some more people that came from a different gay club and they ate with us. Soon after the tranny from the club we went to comes in with her friends and a group of guys followed soon after.

So as we sit down we hear the tranny, Selina, scream at them for shouting homophobic slurs to her. She gives them the finger and we really overhear them screaming slurs to her. I get up and stand up to them and tell them to leave her alone and mind their own business. The main guy screams at me telling me to "shut the fuck up you faggot, you probably suck her dick too! You ain't gonna do shit!" I told him I wasn't going to do anything, but just tried reasoning with him. His friends tried to calm him down, but this guy was completely consumed by alcohol. His brother even tries reasoning with him only to end with getting punches in the side of the face.

This did result in us all calling the cops and him getting arrested, but me and my friends were so utterly disgusted. The guys all got away free only with getting DUIs. I was calm outside, but furious on the inside. The whole drive home I couldn't help but relive it all in my head.

He continuously harassed Selina for no reason. Yeah, he was drunk, but that's no excuse. If a guy was drunk and had done that to anyone else, he'd've been arrested. He was drunk, disturbing the public, and he hit his brother! I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for him getting away...

I could've talked to the police. I could've told them what he said. There could've been something that I could've done, but I didn't. I just felt helpless.

I really feel for transgendered people and trannies. I feel bad that they are so misunderstood. I hate that they have to worry about what civilization will do to them today. I hate that they have to be scared to walk down the street at night or even use the bathroom, and apparently even walk into a McDonald's.

I really want to learn more about transgendered people, but a lot of them are too scared to even talk about it, but who could blame them when things like this happen all the time. I hope everyone takes consideration into this post and stands up for anyone when they are being picked on because regardless of what we look like on the outside, we are all people and we all deserve respect. Stay safe everyone. Have a good night.

How come he don't want me man...

Today's episode of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air actually really touched me this morning. Actually made me cry. I found it super ironic that that episode would come on today and it has never felt as powerful as it did today. I've seen it a thousand times and even knew the next part, but it still got me choked up.

The episode that was playing was the episode where his father comes back into Will's life and asks to be apart of it. Although I claim to hate my father on moalst occasions and  we don't really have a great, or even ok, relationship, I know who he is and he is here in my life. Most people don't have that. My sister never really had that, my cousin never really had that, and some of my closest friends never had that. Some were lucky enough to have a memory of who their dad was; some don't. Some are left wondering who or what their father was and the only knowledge of them they have is whatever bad comments the family makes about him. Most if not all of these deprived people are always left wondering: Why did he leave? When will he be back? Did I do something? Why doesn't he want me? And that was the part that hit me hard.

Ironically, today is my dad's birthday. And even more ironically, he's not here. But that's because him and my mom left for vacation. But this episode reminded me of how things might go when I come out to him. I actually felt the pain that some of these kids go through for a moment and it all just got to me. My dad has said since day one that if we were grown up to make the decision to be gay, then you were grown up to be on your own. He might even just walk out of my life forever. Not wanting to see me over holidays or my kids.

This is just something I can't understand. I ask myself "how could anyone just pack up and leave like that?" I think about it being related to adoption. When in a bad position, you want to give your kids a better life, so you try to give them away to a good family. But that's not what these people are doing. And I say these people because women do it too. These people are leaving their kid behind with one parent. Almost COMPLETELY making it harder for the child to have a good life. With two of them, they had two salaries or so. Now there's one, if that.

I saw Shark Tale again yesterday for the first time in a while. It hit me that Lenny, the vegetarian dolphin dressing shark, was gay. You had to read between the lines a little bit. It first hit me when he was laying on Oscar's(Will Smith) bed and essentially coming out to him. Lenny tells Oscar how he's never told anyone this, but he is a vegetarian. And it immediately all started coming together. How Lenny was scared to tell him because of ridicule, how he was scared to tell his dad because of fear of rejection, how he had a pretty flamboyant voice and acted a little flamboyant, and the clothing. It all just pointed to him being gay. At the end, he ends up telling his dad that he's a vegetarian and how he enjoys dressing like a dolphin and Oscar sticks up for him telling his dad that he should accept his son for who he is instead of trying to turn him into something he's not. And the father accepts him.

I actually thought about showing the movie to my dad in reference to that. I can't help but think why anyone would just leave someone's life just because of that small part of themselves. So I'm gay... So what? I'm also an entertainer, fashionista, hard worker, intelligent, etc. But you choose to focus on the part of me that really has nothing to do with you? You'd really disown me because the person I choose to marry might be a man? How shallow do you sound?

Like I said, me and my dad were never really close anyways, so if he chooses to walk out, I won't chase him. But will it hurt, yeah. Knowing he couldn't accept that little piece of me, sure. It'll hurt for a while. But it'll hurt him too. He'll have to go in through his life as one of those people who left his kids, but he'll be the kind that did it because of me. I won't ever have to wonder why he left either, which will provide me with closure.

Thanks for reading everyone. Big thumbs up to those parents who stuck it out for their kids through the hard times! Let us all remember to just love each other for who we are and never try to change anyone because you don't like a certain part of them. I hope everyone has a great day!

~be breezy~

Tired of hiding

I'm sick of it. I don't know how much longer I'm going to last. I'm done being left behind. I'm done not having anyone. I'm done with the lonely nights and the textless phone. I'm done hiding tracks and the lies I hold.

Lately, I've been finding it harder and harder to hide the fact that I'm gay to my parents. This all probably started a little while ago back when I was picking out clothes. My mom was criticizing what I wear and said, "you know who wears tight clothing? Gay people." And my response? I don't care.

Normally, when it came to anything gay, I would deny deny deny. Now, it seems I am being more open with my thoughts and I couldn't care less about if they found something or heard something. Before, I would hide my suspenders and rainbow bandana in my backpack and carry it around with me to ensure that my parents wouldn't stumble upon it, but now, it sits in my piano bench. Where anyone can easily open and find it. I think about leaving my gay items around for them to find and not even be worried. But I know that also isn't good.

It's good that I'm mentally and emotionally ready to come out, but I'm not economically ready. I have to remember that I put my entire future at risk by coming out. If I slip up, my parents might kick me out. And then It's all over. I will have no way to really get to work, no shelter, and potentially no future.
I always think about it though. If I left something laying around for them to find and they call me upstairs into their room and we talk about it. I tell them my two cents and we move on. If I were to get kicked out, I could take buses to get to work, stay at a couple of my friends houses, save money and be ready for what the world brings next. I could do it. It is possible, but would that be the best thing to do?

I just can't help it. I'm sick of waiting. Sick of lying. I hate having to come up with a lie as to why I want to go to the library. Why I want to go to ESU. Where I wanna go on Friday night's. I hate having to hide the things that give me pride. My suspenders, rainbow bandana, pamphlets, books, websites, blogs, and videos. Lastly, I hate having to hide who I am. Gay geek. Flamboyant. Cub. Bear lover. Gay pride enthusiast. Gay best friend. Boyfriend.

The main thing is, I want to go out and meet someone! I wanna go to twist on a Friday night and meet a guy and chat and flirt. Have a great time and dance and exchange phone numbers. Text each other the next day to see what's up and when we can get together and move on from there. But while being in the closet, I can't really get there. I have to come up with a legit lie as to where I'm going, when I'll be back, why so late, how I'll get there, and what happened.

I'm just sick of being alone and this closet door isn't helping. I wanna go explore who I am, but I keep running into this annoying ass door! I don't know how much longer I'll last, hopefully I don't snap myself into a bad situation. I just can't help it anymore...

Everything is gay

So I'm in target right now and I was just browsing around and I walk upon the book section. I had been telling myself for a while that I wanted to get myself into more reading. It just seems distinguishing, fun, and relaxing. But if I were to start reading, it would have to be something I'm interested in. Only one thing comes to mind... A little while ago I was searching for books to read and again, only one thing of interest came to mind.

A little while ago I wrote a post called Why is it always the gay where I explained how everything bad that happens to me I happen to blame on being gay. I think I found a little bit of an answer to that. I think It's more than just I'm blaming my bad luck on my homosexuality, the only thing I'm really interested in is homosexuality! Everywhere I go, that is the main thing on my mind. It's almost like I have an obsession with it.

I don't know what it is about being gay. I am just so fathomized by it. The stories on how people figured out who they were. The rejections, the acceptions, the coming process in general! It's one thing that I am attracted to guys and all I can think about is guys, but I feel the need to involve it in my everyday life. The people I watched on YouTube when I was first coming out used to say being gay is just a little piece of you. It is not everything about you. For me It's the opposite! It's a huge part of me! Shapes my character, who I wanna be around, who wants to be around me, my thought process, and my social conversation.

I try not to talk about it a lot because I know a lot of other people don't care nor do they wanna hear about it, but truth is, I love talking about it! I love writing, learning, and reading anything that has to do with it! Not even a lot of gay people like talking about it that much. They feel it is just a little piece that they just glide on over. But me, It's more than just that. It is a huge part of my interests. Like I said, it shapes who I am as a person right now.

Is this a problem? I guess the answer's yes and no. Everyone has their obsession and mines happens to be my sexuality. But I can't let it be everything about me because that's how you turn people away. If some people don't want to hear it, I just have to respect that and move on. But it is an interest of mine and it's fine that I like to read and learn about it! It shows passion and drive! This could even be a sign of me brig a future activist! Who knows?!

Anyways, thanks for reading. Just thought I'd post a thought while I wad waiting for my shift to start and meanwhile it did kill a little time, I still got another 51 minutes... Shoot me..

Pride

Pride. The feeling of pleasure in one's own achievements. To feel proud of one's self. Today, I am missing the pride parade in New York City. While everyone one is out partaking in this celebration of who they are, I am staying home in the closet baby sitting and working. It really upsets me to be missing this celebration because we have even more to celebrate! The Defense of Marriage Act was named unconstitutional and marriage equality is now brought into California. So not only do we get the chance to celebrate who we are, we get to celebrate another step closer to true equality. But going to pride is a lot more than just a celebration to me. For me, it goes much deeper than that.

I am closeted at home. So I have no way of really being who I am. I can't walk around with rainbows on and throw myself out very flamboyantly. I can't scream out "I'm gay" and feel happy. I won't have that feeling of safety amongst my gay community. I won't have that feeling of community around me.

At the parade, I could hang out with my cousins and rejoice in celebration. I could wear my rainbow suspenders and bandana with pride. I can kiss another guy in pure happiness without having to fear anything. I can dance to all the music that's playing. I could feel safe amongst my gay family. I could mingle amongst more gay people and make some longtime friends.

For me, pride is an opportunity to be as flamboyant as I want and wear as many rainbows as I can without feeling self conscious. It is a place to feel like I belong somewhere. Out here, I don't have that feeling. I don't have many gay friends and I don't like wearing my rainbows all the time because I feel as though I'm throwing it out there. Pride is my opportunity to be proud if who I am, which isn't always easy to do.

I just recently started being able to admit that I like bears. Before, I thought it was something i had to hide. I was ashamed of it. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone because I wasn't ok with it... But now I have started taking pride into that part of me. I have learned that it was ok to like other bears and that there are others like me. This is something to celebrate. The ability to feel happy about who I am.

Over all, I hope everyone has a great time at the pride parade. I wish I could take part in the celebration, but things just didn't seem to work out in that way. Thanks for reading! Happy pride!

Feeling defeated...

This is gonna be another internal post. Probably not too long because I don't really know what everything is until I get it all out. I hate expressing myself generally because it feels like complaining. There are so many people out in the world that are doing better than me. I have a pool, a big house, air hockey, my own room, a piano, a smart phone, etc., and I have the nerve to complain? But that's also why I started this blog. To get my feelings out there instead of always bottling everything inside and creating more destruction in my mind and hopefully not, my heart. So onwards!

These types of mornings pass me by every once in a while. Those mornings of just defeat. Where you feel like nothing has been going right or anything you want to happen is happening. Then you look for things that have gone wrong and let them weigh on you. It might be just me, I doubt it though. I feel a little spoiled when thinking about it actually. Throwing a tantrum because I'm not getting my way. But what's causing this defeat?

I couldn't sleep last night because I was so tired and sore that I kept twisting and turning. Then on top of that, I kept craving cashews. So no sleep. Then I bought my mother flowers last night. Just to tell her I loved her. What happens? She isn't coming home today. So now the flowers might not look as good by the time she sees them. Next, my mom gives us a coupon for the China buffet and I wanna go out to eat. The bros can't/ font feel like going. Everytime I try to make plans, they never work out because of that, but when everybody else wants to make plans, I'ma dick or It's my fault if I don't follow through. Same with six flags, I'm the only one tryna make these plans telling everyone to take off and they got a billion and one things. Next, there's nothing for breakfast. I planned on eating a steak sandwich, but there was only enough bread to make one.

With all that stuff going on, the only thing that comes to mind is, nothing is going right. Along with the terrible morning, I'm reminded that it is pride weekend and I can't go. I have to stay home and work... Closeted. I can't wear my rainbow bandana or suspenders or even buy ne a new pair. All over Instagram people are celebrating who they are and I can't. If nothing could go right this morning, why couldn't I at least be able to go to that?

It's also P-town this weekend. And all I'm gonna see is the big bear gatherings on instagram. How I missed out on all the insta meet and greets. How I don't get to party and drink. How I missed out on creating a bromance or brocubs or even a husbear.

On top of that, I'm reminded that I'm single. That I'm lonely. My bros have their girlfriends this weekend. They can kiss and act all lovely dovey and text all day while I sit in lonely despair. I have no cuddle buddy this weekend or anybody to share my happiness in the end of doma. Everyone else has got plans except me. Everyone's got somebody... Except me.

So now I get to eat my breakfast all alone, while watching digimon and get ready for another shift at work when I could be preparing for pride or even a good dinner tonight. Sorry for the story of defeat this morning everyone. I hope at least you're having a good weekend. Thanks for reading. Happy pride everyone!

~Be Breezy~

Cub Vs. Guy Talk

You know that conversation that you have with your group of friends about how she looks cute? Or in girls' cases, he looks cute. Or how your friends talk about how they'd like to fuck this person in this position and run your toungue all over. That's what I'm talking about. Now, I'm calling it guy talk because I'm a guy and my issue mainly deals with guys. Not to say that females don't do this, because they probably do, I'm just more familiar with my bros doing it.

Every guy does this. They get comfortable and get raunchy. Which is fine! We all have sex, it ain't nothin to hide! We all masturbate; again, nothing to hide! And guys have thrown away their shame behind these mannerisms and just decide to be open about them. When he says how he'd like to fuck her in that hole with his finger here, he knows someone else was gonna say it anyways or they were gonna say it about somebody else.

My issue with this is when It's my turn. I have a lot of guy friends, most of which are straight. I don't mind you guy talking with me! Shit, I'll probably gas it up and join in! But when I start guy talking, I expect the same! I hate how I'm generous enough to listen and tag along in your guy talk and you dismiss mines! What, I can't be open about my sex life? Or lack of...

In this gay-themed movie called "Weekend", one of the main characters brings this up. He says how people are ignorant about what we do because we don't talk about it. And if they (straight people) get to be open about their sex, why can't we?! That's society's way of oppressing us. So with that, we should be open about our sex!

Now, I'm not too comfortable talking about me getting fucked or fucking him or anything like that, but I expect guys to be ready to listen ad I've listened to them. Just like one of my friends. He loves to talk about how he talks to all these girls and he never once asks me about how I am with guys. He never even considers it, and when I'm ready to talk about it, he has nothing to contribute to conversation! I understand that he is not too accepting about guys dating guys, but It's called being considerate. If I have to listen to you go in about girls, then you have to listen to me go on about guys!

This is kind of a short post, but It's ok. Feel free to add in your thoughts in the comments. Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has an awesome pride weekend!

Cub Vs. Religion

Ok, so this is a hard thing to challenge. I'm going to piss some people off, but hey, this is my blog right?! Why is religion so hard to challenge? Because it is something that cannot be proven. Religion is something that is solely internal. Nothing is based off of fact. This is especially challenging for me because of this. I am one of those people where I need to see it to believe it. Sometimes... It was one thing as a kid and believing in stuff, but I grew out of that. But something that just popped into my head contradicted that statement.

When I was a kid, I remember watching The Santa Clause with Tim Allen. In this movie, Charlie says something to him that just struck me: "Have you ever seen a million bucks? Tim: "No." Charlie: "Just because you haven't seen it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist!" Which brings me back to my initial point of, it just can't be proven.

Another thing that makes this hard to challenge is the comprehension. The bible/Torah etc. Are all so hard to understand! You may understand it in one way, and it turns out to mean something completely different! Someone just posted on my instagram about how in the bible it says Leviticus 20:6 A man shall not lie with another man or he shall be stoned. That could be comprehended to mean gays must be high! I joke, but I'm also serious. People take things into different perspectives. Which is religion is a topic best to be left alone.

My problem with religion? Personally, me and religion never got along. It always seemed to keep people in fear and stop them from doing or thinking things they would normally do/think. I have friends for example who are very religious. They would not marry someone outside of their religion. Now, I an in no way saying there is anything wrong with that, but to me it seems utterly ridiculous! Just because she/he doesn't believe in your God she is somehow not worthy of your love? If there was no such thing as religion, then she would have an equal opportunity! Also, one of these friends said he felt bad about the sexual thoughts he had been having towards girls. Because (now I don't know the true line, but I'm paraphrasing) he shall not be lead by temptation. That's fucking ridiculous! Everyone has sexual thoughts! To deny those thoughts because someone who may or may not be real said that isn't right?! That sounds like your being more of a follower.

Which brings me to my next problem with religion. I am no follower. So I refuse to live my life according to some "higher being" and he may not be right or real. Who is he/she to tell me that I can't have sex before marriage? Who is he/she to tell me that I may not lie with another man?! I am my own person and I lead my life. I do not follow anyone. ESPECIALLY if he/she has no proof of it being wrong or anyone has any proof of this person being real.

So these problems I have with religion already put me on a bias about it. But even without those biases, it still has no place to be brought into a political argument. Why? Because it can NOT be proven. When people bring up God in a debate about homosexuality and say that he said that it is a sin, I want to burst out into a rant! Much like this... Because, how do you know he said that? Oh, because some man INSPIRED by this man wrote it down? Over 5 or so milleniums ago when there was no real written language and it was converted into a bunch of different languages where they don't necessarily have the same meaning? Oh... Ok. That makes perfect sense.

Fuck that! I am supposed to lead by that?! Not even by a man who MET this "God" and heard him preach that being gay was a sin?! And even if he heard this "God" preach that, who's to say he was right?! But for the sake of argument, let's say this happened. Who's to say that that's what he really said?! The written word has been changed so many times through language conversion and word of mouth that it could've said anything! And it was so long ago, how do you know if he really meant homosexuality in the general sense it means today?! It could have meant something completely different! It was so long ago, homosexuality probably wasn't even thought of, never mind it being thought of as being a problem! And the fact that people would still rather follow that than go for what America truelly stands for completely astounds me.

And that's what truelly eats at me and stops me from really liking religion. Because people are so quick to believe some dusty old book of stories rather than believe what's right in front of them: LOVE. Some people will quickly forget that we stand for a country of EQUAL opportunities. My main rights are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Not life under God, liberty if God said it was ok, and God's view of happiness. Why stop me from my GOD GIVEN rights as a human being because of something that cannot be proven? But I bet you I can prove that man kneeling down on one knee proposing to the man in front of him, loves him. I bet you I can prove that lesbian couple promising to stay together in sickness and in health, truelly love each other. You know what's great proof of that? The fight. The fight we have endured. We have lost countless family members, friends, work opportunities, etc. All because we were fighting for the right to love. If this was just a phase, why keep fighting? You can't prove to me that he didn't intend for us to win these fights. Because as you guys love to say, "God doesn't make mistakes."

Thanks for listening everyone. I hope I didn't piss off anyone too bad. My only goal was to open people's eyes, but by all means, fight me on it. But unless your God comes down to my face and proves he's real, your wrong. Until then, we'll keep winning battles of love. And if there really is a God, you know how I know he is ok with this? Because of our victory just the other day with marriage equality in California and the destruction of DOMA. There's your proof.

Misconception vs. Reality

Ok, so a couple of weeks back, I came out at the barbershop. I used to go to school with one of the barbers there and he knew of my involvement in the school's GSA. I eventually gave way into his curiosity and came out to him. This was something I wasn't expecting...

I knew this kid as the immature party guy that everyone loved. He used to touch guys and rub us in chorus to make us feel uncomfortable, he was cool with everyone, and he was pretty attractive. I never thought this kid could be mature. He was a grade ahead of me, but acted like a freshman for as long as I knew him! But now, here was this same guy, grown up, married, graduated from high school, mature, and talking about his future. And he even had his very own mature thoughts in my sexuality and standing in my coming out process.

He explained that his sister's brother was gay and his grandfather was gay so he was used to it and he knew how it effected people. He was never really homophobic, I just thought he was one of those guys that acted gay, but when it came down to it, would punch the shit out of a guy who'd flirt with them!

Anyways, later throughout our conversation about homosexuality, my usual barber jumps into the conversation and then this conversation turned more into a debate. I was in no way offended by what they said because this was just a matter of sharing feelings and thoughts. I said what I thought and they thought what they thought. Did I agree with them? Not all the time, but that's part of debates. They also said some things that didn't quite make sense to them, but did to me, but they still would run around with it.

My usual barber had these misconceptions about being gay that most old-fashioned people would say, that were just blatantly wrong. I think I even heard my dad say some of these things... One of the things he said was that gay people try to hog attention. This I know my dad say. His example was with the new outing in the NBA by Jason Collins. "Who cares about him being gay?! It has nothing to do with the game! Don't think you're going to get special treatment because you're gay! And why do they make such a big deal about it in entertainment. It has nothing to do with anything!".

To this I knew the answer and he couldbt help but agree. These people in the public eye are viewed as role models. Kids look up to these people and it is important that these people set kids in the right direction, whether It's standing out against something, standing for something, or being true to yourself. Before Collins, there were no openly gay players in the NBA. This makes it seen like this sport isn't for gay people. This makes kids feel bad about themselves and feel like they can't follow their dreams because of their homosexuality. What Collins did by coming out was show that it is possible to be a basketball player and gay. Same goes for Anderson Cooper,  Ricky Martin, and frank ocean. What they did was show that you can be gay and a famous news reporter or entertainer. This made kids realize that they are not alone. That they have someone to relate to them and to look up to.

Another thing my barber had a problem with was "how gays push their homosexuality on everyone. It's only your business, you don't gotta tell the whole world you're gay. You don't see straight people running around saying 'I'm straight' or throwing parties and shit!" The answer to this misconception is we're not. We are not pushing anything on anyone. All we are doing is letting everyone know that we are here and we are going to be heard. We tell people so that they may know another gay person so they know whom it is that they may be talking about when they try to slander our names. So they can realize there is something other then straight families. You hear us all the time because we are fighting for acceptance. We are not trying to push anything on you. You know why straight people don't run around telling people their straight? Because it is accepted and expected. We have to go that extra mile to tell everyone that we don't like the opposite sex. And then on top of that, we have to deal with whoever just moved out of our lives! You know why we have pride parades, because most of us can't and aren't proud to be who we are and this is to say It's ok. Straight people font have to worry about that because they don't have to hide that aspect of themselves. We do.

The last thing that he said, which admittingly pissed me off a little, was "They are trying to teach little kids how to be gay. They are trying to teach my little 10 year old and 7 year old about cock and balls. Now I gotta worry about sending my children to a school where they talk about that? Fuck that, kidnergartners don't need to know about that shit!" My barber is referring to SB48 in California where it states that schools must provide education in homosexuality. For one thing, his facts were wrong, this policy is not for kindergartners. It is for kids that are mature enough to hear and handle this information. For me, sexual education happened right at the end of 5th grade to prepare us for this knowledge in 6th grade and so on. At this age we were about 9-11. At this point in time, some kids have already started going through puberty and most kids had already been dating and have had their first kisses done and over with a while back. This is where this knowledge comes in handy because this is the age where kids start experimenting and asking questions. They are not going to tell a kidnergartner who has no idea who the president is about any form of love. You don't tell your 1st grader about pussy and boobs right? Why would we tell them about cock and balls then? All SB48 is saying is to provide the homosexual information along with heterosexual. Which could basically be done by just acknowledging what it is and the dangers that can come from it.That is all they did with hetero sex, why would it be any different? To explain homosexuality, all you need to do is define it. Then tell them to throw on a condom and get tested. There is no explanation of what goes where and who does what. They don't tell us what goes where and how to do what with hetero sex. We are not teaching kids how to be gay or teaching any "homosexual behaviors". Just informing students that another form of love is out there known as homosex and that is just as risky as heterosex.

This is what I hate about debates, but also what I love about them. I hate it when people use this one thing that gay people have done, but don't loom into what it is and assume It's something bad. Then they pass it on as knowledge and then comes up as a misconception. I like when they come up against me with those misconceptions because then I have a chance to shut their dumbasses up! They have no idea what they're talking about or what we're doing, so don't try and create misconceptions out of something you don't understand.

Thanks for reading anyone, I hope everyone enjoyed! Have a great day guys!

~Be Breezy~

Like Father, different son?

Ok, there have been a couple of signs telling me I had to write about my dad. This morning and this afternoon, I just so happened to have caught to episodes of Law and Order: SVU. Coincidentally, both episodes had to do with disapproving attitudes from fathers to their homosexual sons. What are the odds that both the episodes pertained to an incident that happened about a day or two ago?

What was the incident you ask? Well everyone, gather round, cause It's story time! My friend, whom I consider my brother and refer to as bro, asked me to sleep over his house so we could watch cartoons. Now mind you, he is straight and has a girlfriend, plus he.lives down the street. I sleep over his house all the time, and his parents love it! They insist that me and my brother sleep over. His parents are going through a horrible divorce and us being around helps calm the tensions a little, that and help take my bro away from it all. Along with me sleeping over, he sleeps over here all the time! The problem occurred when my dad was in the process of saying no.

I wasn't thinking about what I was saying because he had already said no and therefore, I shut him out, but he asks "where do you sleep." And I said either on the couch, the floor, or on the bed with him. This set my father on a rant. Like I said, I hadn't thought of my answer. He went on and on about how I shouldn't be doing that and how It's wrong and more Bullshit. Which led to, I can't ever sleep over there again.

Obviously, My dad is VERY homophobic. He told me and my brother from day one that he doesn't condone "homosexual behavior" practice in his house. If we were old enough to make that "decision" to be gay, we were old enough to live in your own and therefore, get out. My sister thinks he would even go as far as to kill me. And the way he reacts to it, I am starting to see it myself.

How do I feel about this? Actually, I don't care to a certain degree. I care about what he says and I get pissed off, but to know that he may walk out of my life based on that one factor... I couldn't utter a flying fuck. Me and my dad have never been close. I have never had a heart to heart with him or a willing conversation. There was one point in my life where I said I despised him and everything he stood for. I didn't want any part of him in my life. It has only been recently, and hardly at that, that I would say I love him, but don't like him.

Where did this come from? Our history. I feel like it started with him hitting us as kids. It left bad imprints in our minds which started our hatred for him. And with that, we used to be exhilarated that he would be going to work. Then it was also the cold attitude he had towards everything. All of my friends notice it and they get a bad vibe off him. Another one, and one of the biggest, I can't stand his ignorant attitude. He acts as though he knows everything about everything because he's got a couple years of life on us and been around. He may know one aspect about one subject and base the whole thing off one generalization and then try to lecture us about it. Probably the last, but definetly the biggest reason, he hit my mother. I remember clearly her running downswairs into the basement to trying to get away from him and he followed her and beat her with his belt. I remember her screaming for him to stop and he kept doing it. Then he finally came upstairs and went to his room and left her in the basement crying.

Another time was when she was upstairs and telling him to leave her alone and then the next thing I hear is a bang. Followed by that bang was her cry. She was crying for him to stop, but he wouldn't. Next I heard what sounded like a vibration on the ceiling as he continuously hit her and she cried in pain...

I will NEVER forget those nights. They repeat back to me every couple of nights and I can't help but worry about her. This same man she sleeps next to every night is the same man who said he wouldn't do it again, but then did it again, and again... He hasn't done it in a while, but I will NEVER forgive him for that. You do not EVER put your hands on ANYONE. Especially not your spouse.

All of these factors are included in my resentment towards my father. It feels like I have gone most of my life without someone I'd like to call a father figure. He's been there, but hardly. My sister grew up without her biological father, and grew up with him. I told her I'd be fine with my father not being in my life anymore and I wouldn't care. She begs to differ. She feels that I will miss him and I will feel that difference.

But what will I be losing? Someone who tried to change me from who I was every step of the way. When I was younger and even still sometimes now, he criticizes everything I do because of how I do it. When I was a kid and used to play these pretend storylines with my brother, we would sometimes play as girls. At first I guess it was fine, but as we got older, my brother's voice changed first so I was the only one who could do a girl voice and ny dad had a problem. He asked, "why do you always talk in such a girly voice when playing?" When my niece lived with me, around the same time I was figuring out I was gay, I apparently picked up "gay tendencies". I talked with my hands a lot and exaggerated words when talking to my niece, whom was a baby at the time so I did it as baby talk. This came out to be a huge problem for him. He would expose these tendencies in front of everyone and let me know how unmanly it was.

I can't get my ears pierced because he thinks guys with ear rings are gay. He wouldn't let me wear anklets because they were gay. He got annoyed with me always hanging out with girls because it made me look gay. I couldn't do the play because it made me seem gay. He had a problem with most of the things I wanted to do and was when ibwas younger which brought down my confidence as a teenager.

I worry about being too flamboyant or talking with my hands or looking a certain way a little too much. I used to ask my friends all the time if they thought I was flamboyant and it would kill me more and more everytime. He took away a lot of my sense I had of who I was; a part I am trying to find today.

I will not miss that. Not in the slightest. I will also not miss someone who will be disapproving to the life I'm going to lead. I'm not going to miss that feeling of worry because I don't know how he will react to the man I love. I won't miss the worry I have for how he will react to the children I will have. I won't miss his judgemental stares. I won't miss his cold attitude, his ignorance, and especially his ability to do harm.

I will not miss it, and throughout this whole post I realize how much stuff he has put me through and how it had affected me. Don't get me wrong, I had a good life and he is partially responsible for that. But he is also responsible for mos of my insecurities and loss of who I am. In the end, time will tell if he will leave or not and if he does, I'll be ready for it. And I feel like it will hurt him a lot more than it will hurt me. Thanks for listening everyone. Just remember to love and cherish those that are close to you. And watch what you say, because you very well me be hurting the person who is closest to you... Have a great day!!!
~Be Breezy!~

Knock knock, don't come in!

I shouldn't deal with all the stuff I do by myself. I think about a lot and overthink a lot and I don't let it out. I don't let myself cry. I don't vent to anyone. I don't listen to anyone. I don't let anyone in. It's not healthy and is probably hurting me a lotore than I think, but it can't be worse than what it could be.

There are several reasons to why I don't tell people my problems. One because they are my own, two because I don't want them to think I'm always complaining, three because they wouldn't understand. Let's tackle these one by one.

In my first reasoning, I state they ate my own as my reason behind not letting people in. They are my own problems, not someone else's. They shouldn't have to listen to me bitch and moan. Plus, with all the people that can't keep their mouths shut, you can't tell most anyone anything anymore. People will tell their best friends and then that's already more people than I wanted to know! I don't want my business all out their on the street for everyone's discussion. That's how rumors get started and fake friends arise.

In my second reasoning, I state complaining ad my second reason. I hate sounding like a big cry baby. I don't physically have anything wrong with me, while there are other kids in hospital facing death in the fight against cancer and can't even live their own lives and I have the nerve to bitch and moan? I'm lucky I can have problems like these that fade in comparison to real diseases. Plus, I know what It's like to have someone complain to you all the time. It gets to be annoying and it seems that's all you end up talking about everytime they see you. I don't want to annoy anyone with my problems. My problems occur almost everyday it feels like, and I can see them getting annoyed.

Lastly, and my most important reason, they wouldn't understand. I HATE it when people pry and they give you answers like "it'll be ok" or "it'll happen" and especially "yeah, I understand.

How the fuck do you know of it'll be ok? What if everything that could possibly go wrong does? What do I do to make it get better? What do I do until then? Still think it'll be ok?

"It'll happen" generally refers to my huge issue with being single. The problem is not knowing whether not it will happen. The problem is waiting until then and coping with it. You telling me "it'll happen" is about as helpful as telling someone with a sprain, it'll heal... Obviously it'll heal, but what are they to do until then? My problem is I've been single for so long and it is obviously starting to hurt me mentally and emotionally. It'll happen, does not change my relationship status.

And lastly, "yeah, I understand". This one probably pisses me off the most! What the fuck do you know about being closeted to two old-fashioned black parents and knowing you're going to have to come out to them with the risk of losing them or even harm. What could you possibly understand about having to hide certain aspects of yourself because that part of you isn't socially acceptable? What could you possibly know what It's like to have to come out twice? To be that one person who can't find love because there isn't anyone for him around? To feel the shame after every sexual encounter you have because that isn't how it should've gone? To not know exactly who you are inside? To question who you are everyday? To consistently crush on people you can't have and end up hurting yourself?

The answer to all of those questions is you don't. Don't say I understand because you don't. You probably never will, so don't act like you know what I'm going through. Don't act like you have an answer, cause you don't.

This is why I don't let people in. I don't want to involve someone who is irrelevant into my problem and then annoy them. I don't want to hear answers that won't help. I don't want you to try and understand or level with my pain, because you won't. So what is the point?

The point is to just be there. I am there for so many people, and it upsets me that they can't give me the same ear I gave them? I won't stop because I cant help but help, some people could at least show effort into knowing what I'm going through of trying to make me feel better, but they don't.

Oh well, such is life. This cub is tired out his mind, so I'll talk to you later society. Have a great memorial day weekend  everyone!

~Be breezy~

Ready, but not set...

Early this morning, I had an outfit I was planning to wear and I needed my mom to sew the shorts for me. So she forgot and said she would have it ready before it was time for me to leave. Finally she came back to me and told me she couldn't do it and it led to a problem of "what can I wear now".

Now, I don't know if I have a particular problem when it comes to choosing what to wear, but sometimes I just can't. I can't just throw on anything. It has to be perfect for the day almost. If it is warm outside, I can't just throw on any t-shirt and jeans or shorts... It's gotta be the right ones. My family hates helping me pick out what to wear because of this problem. But I don't think they fully understand the extent to which it bothers me.

If I put on something I feel is not right, it physically bugs me. Physically, i will feel wierd, as if I am not myself. And the mental aspect of me will let me feel every second of it. I will be non-stop thinking about how I look and what people will think of me while I'm wearing it; and I never really imagine them saying nice things. In the midst of me ironing my clothes coping with what I settled with wearing, I always think back to what else I could wear that could possibly be better;and then once I've found it, I run downstairs and grab the new stuff! Even though I have no time! It really bugs me and they just don't understand...

I know you're wondering, "what does this have to do with being gay?" Other then the fact of me having a stereotypical fashion sense.. while I was looking for that right outfit for today after she shot the idea of my first choice, she started criticizing all of the clothes I wear. How they're "too tight" or I always have to dress so "flamboyantly". I told her I simply like the style of it, It's just my sense of fashion and people seem to like it. Her response was, "Do you know who dresses like that? Gay people."

Obviously after this comment you can infer that my parents are homophobic. So my response was, for once, "I don't care!" I would never say that to comments like those to my parents because that would lead them to infer that I was gay. They can't know because that puts me and my future at risk. My dad has said since day one that he will not accept homosexual "behavior" in this house and if we think we're grown enough to make that "decision" then we are obviously grown enough toive on our own. I have worked way to hard in school and through life to throw it all away.

Another reason this puts me at risk is my safety. My sister insists I don't tell my dad in person because he might lose control. She thinks he just might kill me. Now I don't know if this is true, but I'm not gonna risk it. So saying this to my mom was a huge thing.

I hate having to lie about who I am. I want to be open and truthful about who I am because I am not ashamed of it. I wanna be able to wear my rainbow suspenders while leaving the house or not have to worry about my mom stumbling upon my rainbow bandana or suspenders. I don't want it to be a shock when I bring home a guy. I hate having to whisper about it and refer to it as the thing when my parents are around. It is simply ridiculous.

This is also why I don't have a problem with going to school. In school, I don't have to hide behind that closet door, as much. People don't know about the whole best community thing, but they know I'm gay so I don't have to worry about anything like that! I can freely say boyfriend or wear rainbows or even dress flamboyantly because it will be accepted and will kind of be expected.

But even though they understand the gay aspect of me, my school has yet to fully understand the bear aspect of me. I still hide behind the leaves that cover my tracks into the cave of bears. I hate having to hide and feel ashamed of that part of me because that is one of my favorite parts about me. I love the bear community and hate having to hide my love for it; but I am getting better. I hashtag gay bear and cub on instagram and people have found out through there or I have my favorite bear community photos on my lock screen and it shoots random photos so it is kind of sprung upon people.

But here's where the not set part comes into play. I want to come out from behind the closet doors, but if I do, I must be sure in who I am. Like I said in a previous post, I'm not exactly 100% sure I am gay. Sometimes I question it, other times I am sure. I never feel sexually attracted to a girl other then just wanting to hold them or kiss them, but it goes further with men. I want to hold, kiss, caress, cuddle, have sex with, etc.

I don't want to come out and then all of a sudden jump back in what I'm saying and figure out I'm straight and was just confused as a child. Or bisexual and just wasn't accepting it. That would give my parents and all those who think It's a decision a satisfaction I don't want them to have. That would hive them the opening they have been waiting for ti say, "see I told you you could change" or "I told you you weren't gay, and now that you have probably caught something, you wanna switch back."

I won't let them have it. That is why I must be sure first. I kind if fucked myself over in school because I came out as gay before ever really being 100% sure and now I can't go back on what I said if I am not sure. If I am all of a sudden attracted to some girl, I can't chase after her without someone questioning her or me, and I am just not ready or strong enough to deal with that yet.

I thought when I started getting more mature I wasn't gonna have to play hide and seek anymore. It was fun as a child, but the fun has faded and I'm ready to play man hunt... The society that surrounds me has kept me in this bind for 16 years going on 17, and I don't know how much longer this cub can hold it. Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has a great memorial day weekend!

~Be Breezy!~

Too much of one thing...

I am a firm believer of "too much of one thing is bad for you". It just makes sense, and in more cases than one. If you have too much sugar, you're going to damage your heart and blood cells. Too much salt will give you high blood pressure. Spending too much time in front of a lit up screen will damage your eyes. Too much of one thing is never good.

This problem has developed in my life, and I'm sure many others out in the world. My too much is loneliness. This loneliness that I have been cursed with has made me almost develope problems out of anything and everything. I feel like I'm alone all the time. The feeling swallows me up in the moments when I am truly alone and in those moments I think of horrible things.

I think of moments when I would be jumped and had to fight people off on my own, getting held at gunpoint, being confronted about who I am by my parents, etc. This loneliness quickly takes the smile off my face and makes me feel something a lot worse than what is happening as if it were happening. I feel this empty feeling in my stomach and surrounding my heart as if it were building lonely blocks from the inside out. I hate it, but I have no control over it.

A huge sign of this forming is when I'm alone now, I talk to myself... And loudly at that. It's almost thinking aloud, but it seems like I do it to hear another voice for me to respond to. I was by myself selling things and my friend was wondering who I was talking to. It was then that I started looking into this more.

I feel as though there is a void that needs to be filled. A void that has been there long enough to create more voids in my body to where it is just a black hole sucking up all my valuables. I feel like I have no friends. I feel like my love is never reciprocated. I feel like I'm no one. I feel like I'm unloveable.

I feel like this all snowballed when I stopped allowing myself to fall for just about anyone that walked pass because it would only lead me to a dead end. Since then, I felt like the loneliness has just piled up and I haven't had anything to replace it. But I can't just start falling for people, even though I still feel I do, because that doesn't help either. I still felt lonely in those days, I was just chasing after someone who would never love me at the same time. So that's not going to help much.

I feel like I need love to distinguish this feeling as a whole. Maybe if part of this void was filled, I would snap out of the rest of it. If I had a boyfriend, maybe it'd snap me out of everything else. Maybe them I could hang out with other friends. Maybe the glass wall of fake problems that form will finally fall to this void of unprovided love and affection.

Like I said, too much of one thing is bad, and it my case, it consumes me. I fight as hard as I can, but I just can't shake it for good. I may stop myself for thinking about it for a second, but a minute later, I realize I am still alone...  Very very alone.

So I thank you all for reading and bearing through this internal battle I have with myself. I'm not yet ready to take this out into society, although society might be able to help me in this case. I should go ask for help, but I just can't allow myself to do it... Everyone, keep a smile on your face and in your heart and I hope you have a great day!

~Be Breezy!~

Flamboyance vs. Ignorance

Sorry about my last post being so personal. It was just something I really needed to get out and acknowledge in a format as such I did. But without further ado, the topic of flamboyance!

This is something that overly irritates me. And It's not the flamboyant guys, It's the ignorant people around them. This first came up because of this kid in my school. So this kid in my school is VERY flamboyant. This guy dies it and he does it well! *insert snaps here* he wears heels to school and leggings and the tightest of jeans. He wears the cut off shirts, long hair to be flipped with attitude, make up to keep him looking fierce, and tops it off with a bag that he struts down the hallways with as if they were runways.

This guy is obviously gay, and with that, very flamboyant. People are not too fond of this. People have everything to say about him wearing all of this make up and girl's clothing, but never to his face. I'm glad they don't say it to his face or anything, I'd hate for him to get hurt, cause I would be the first there to defend him! Not that he couldn't defend himself, I'm sure he carries around his own pocket sized bottle if mace in his bag.

All jokes aside, I asked him one day where does he get his strength to do this and what goes through his mind when he puts this stuff in. He told me, " The only thing that goes through my mind is if I look good!" He said no one bugs him so he doesn't care. I'm glad that he finds the strength to be him and sees nothing wrong with it.

As for the people around him, they should be ashamed. Every so often in class, my group of friends in the back have something to say about what he's wearing or how he acts. They always say stuff like how he looks ridiculous and how they hates gays like that. The part that annoyed me the most was when they said, "I couldn't be friends with someone like that." They would always end with I'm fine with gays like you and indigo, but when they start acting like that, I can't.

I was completely furious! I was completely stupified! But I can't wait for the next time someone says it. Because what if that were me. Would they simply disown me as a friend just because of what I'm wearing on the outside? Are they seriously that shallow? What if I was the same exact person on the inside? They would never even give me a chance solely because I chose to dress that way.

I feel bad for the men that feel more comfortable expressing themselves in this manner. All they receive is ill-made judgements and never really get a fair chance at life just because they don't "fit" society's definition if his a man should be. They may never be given a fair shot because no one will even acknowledge their presence in public.

As young children, we are taught that it is the inside that is important, not the outside. So why not carry that aspect here? Because you are scared of what people will think? What will they say?! You were talking to that gay guy, so you must be gay. Oh, they going to jail now! All jokes aside, fuck that! All you have to do is say no and move the fuck on! After you have made your point, It's over. If they choose to further the conversation with you being gay, then they might have a few issues or secrets of their own to be focusing so much on that aspect.

It's just like how things were before Martin Luther King Jr. came upon his activism. How if you were seen associating with a black person, you were trash too. Well, if most people haven't noticed, we're in 2013. We don't discriminate in that manner anymore. Plus, dressing like that does nkt even necessarily even make you gay! Look at prince and Michael Jackson! Stop being so judgmental on how people are on the outside and worry about yourself.

Society has really put a bind on these people. It has really left people scared to be themselves, but no longer shall I stand for it. Next time I hear someone make ignorant comments such as those I heard that day, the commenters will feel very ashamed at the end of it. Society, you've just been challenged, and this gay cub is ready to rumble! Bring on round 2!!!

~Be Breezy!~

Why is it always the gay?

Ok, so this is more of an internal post. This is something really personal about me and something that I have never told anyone aloud. Frankly, this will be the first time I'm even admitting to it or even giving it some acknowledgence... It's something I've done all my life, and it always keeps me in a bind. Most of us blame society, I blame myself for everything.

This is my internal problem. I blame every bad thing that happens to me solely on the fact of me being gay. I just failed my test, all because I couldn't focus and all I could think about was being gay and men. I feel upset one day, must be the gay in me tearing me down. I don't want to walk to the other side of the classroom, why? Because I'm gay and everyone will talk about me behind my back because I am. Why don't I like hanging out with certain people, because I don't want to burden them with my gay.

It starts weighing down on me and almost giving me low self-esteem. I feel almost less than. I feel as though I don't belong and all I can say is because I'm gay.

Why? Why is that always my excuse? I feel like part of me does it because of all the stories I've heard about the internalized hate people had for themselbes for being gay and I felt I had to do the same to be gay. I felt like I got off easy in my coming out. I always pretty much knew since I was exposed to porn at a very young age. I knew I liked boys and eventually came to figure out that meant gay. The worst part about my coming out process might have been the lies. Beyond that, I wasn't bullied, I didn't have bad any reactions (so far), and I never went through any real self harm.

I know people are ok with me being gay, but somehow my mind always takes me back there. I'm always thinking the worst of things in advance. I dream about the moments where I get jumped for being gay or be involved in a hate crime. I feel like sometimes, it gives me happiness but also something to blame my issues on.

This is a short post being that I don't really know internally what is going on, but I know something is wrong. A clear sign was when I got drunk about two months ago when my parents weren't here and I told my friend I wanted to get drunk. People always say in the moments you are dunk, you are the most truthful. Well my truth came out, and I had bottled a lot in at that point... Still am. I was bottling up anger, frustration, loneliness, self-esteem issues, and questions of who I am. So in the midst of me being drunk, I noticed my friend walked away from me for a second and caught wind that he was talking to this girl. I knew he didn't have a problem with me or anything, by this time we'd been friends for about 4 or 5 years and he's known I was gay for about 2 or 3, but I was maybe a little jealous AMD emotional. I got overly upset and bursted into tears asking "why am I gay." I hated myself for it, I hated being gay solely because of the loneliness it brought me. I was so hysterically upset I called my sister and cried to her for maybe 10 minutes just repeating saying stuff I didn't think I believed, but would always dream about in my phases of blaming the gay. Finally, I calmed down and I realized this was something that could eventually get out of control.

I can't keep bottling this up... But I don't know who to turn to. I don't want to ask kids in my GSA because I don't lime referring to other kids on matters like these. I don't want to turn to friends because I don't like dumping my problems on people and I don't like being pitied. I don't want to turn to teachers because I don't want to worry anyone or get a reply I'm not ready to hear. And I can't turn to my parents because of my conditions as a closeted teen.

I don't know what to do, but I know something must be done. I can't keep bottling everything all in for it may end up in my drunken emotional breakdown or even worse. I don't know what I will need to make me feel better or even if there is anything truly wrong with me and it may all be in my head... I just don't know... And that's what scares me the most...

Being Left Behind...

We've all felt this. That feeling of everyone else is forming relationships and falling in love, while you're all alone. In high school, the feeling almost consumes you. Seeing couples after couples holding hands and kissing behind the stairwells and even partnering up in class. They are all over you Twitter feeds, instagram feeds, and facebook feeds and even become the topic of conversations. All of that starts to add up.

I never really had a relationship throughout my whole life. I was always the chubby nerdy kid that everyone befriended, but never dated. I was never too interested in girls, so I didn't care about dating them. I would always only fake crushes. But I had my first kind of real relationship the beginning of my sophmore year in high school. I dated this girl for pretty much two weeks. She was my first kiss and then we were over after two weeks. Beyond that, I haven't dated anyone.

I've never dated a guy, and being that I'm gay, I pretty much consider myself never even having a relationship. Now I have a lot of friends and I am very happy for all of them for finding love and finding themselves out. I am in no way mad at them for living their lives; but am I jealous, of FUCKING course.

I hate the fact that they get to date all these different girls and guys and have sexual experiences and go on dates, while I'm at home playing my piano by myself or watching cartoons by myself; anyone else seeing a pattern? They sit there and complain about their relationships and vent, while I sit there in jealousy wishing I could have those experiences.

I can't explore my sexuality, I can't date other guys, see what I like and what I don't; I'm stuck here guessing and fantasizing. Everyone else gets to date and fight and so on, while I sit on the sidelines living through them! I am to listen to my friends talk about the new guy or girl they're talking to and what's going on, while again, I live through them.

I hate it. It's like I'm on a complete different planet; their world keeps spinning and mine keeps tilting and stopping. Every step I take that gets me a little closer to something, then everything stops and I'm back at square one. I can't wait for the moment when I can finally join the race with everyone and find happiness. Right now, society has me on lockdown. Thanks for reading.

~Be Breezy~

Ashamed or Scared?

Have you ever thought about why people lie? We all hate being lied to and most hate having to come up with a good excuse. In my opinion, people lie when they don't want people to know something about them because they're ashamed of a certain part of them or their scared of what people will think of them afterwards.

In the gay community, a trending lie is during the coming out process. We lie everyday before coming out because we are either ashamed of what we are or scared of what people will think of us. Before I came out, I was terrified of what anyone would think of me. I lied because I wanted to keep my friends and family around. Even now I still lie sometimes about the kind of guys I like. I used to lie because I was ashamed of what I was into and scared on top of that. And I still am a little scared of what people will think of me afterwards.

But I have held onto a lie much longer than I should have. I wish I would have killed it off once I started coming out, but I didn't. And now I converse with some of my closest friends with the knowledge that I must keep up with this lie or be exposed as a fraud.

The lie I have assumed was having sex with a female. Why do I continue this lie? I am not ashamed of being gay or scared of what people will think. Some people already know that I have never had sex with a girl, so why do I lie to some of my closer friends? I know how they would react and I have had plenty of chances to admit to them the truth, but a part of me hold on to that lie...

But why? There is nothing wrong with being a gold star gay, in fact, most other gay guys like that. Maybe there is a part of me that still wishes that I was straight and that was my way of proving I'm not entirely different or to ensure my homosexuality. But I am going to break this lying barrier today. Society will no longer hold me back from the truth. Thanks for listening everyone and don't let yourself get tied up in lies. The truth will set you free.

~Be Breezy~

Who am I?

This is a question that plagues a lot of us, especially in the LGBT community. Life bring everyone on a unique journey that includes tons of different trials to shape who you are as a person. But as life goes on, do you ever really know who you really are? After all, your life isn't over, so therefore there are experiences that have yet to shape you, which lead us to the question of "who am I?"

I said especially for the LGBT community because there is a whole other side of us that we are to discover, which is very personal and very internal. This question haunts us because it is not something most of us could discover openly and freely. This question is stunted by society. Some people hate LGBT people, therefore putting people in fear of exploring themselves. People fear LGBT people and this fear results in the destruction of the mind.

LGBT people must learn to overcome these factors before they can ever really explore themselves. This is exactly what plagues me. My closet door disallows me to explore myself openly. I have not been able to date any guys because I am not completely open, but also because of the area I am in. I am disassociated with my type of guys which also brings my journey of who I am to a standstill.

But I can not put all the blame of my standstill on my surroundings, because I am partially to blame. I feel as though I came out too early and thus brought me to fear of telling people otherwise who exactly I am. Also, I feel as though I was influenced by what I had been seeing and I wanted to be something that I wasn't and it made it harder for me to except the fact that I wasn't because of the happiness it brought others. With that feeling, I ran and I rushed myself to come out before ever being really sure I was gay. I compared myself to others thinking maybe I was just like them when I had my own story I needed to figure out. I don't know how I feel about women now.

Beforehand, I never was attracted to girls as much as I was guys. I would never search for them on porn sites, imagined them in my sexual fantasies, or wanted to spend the rest of my life with one. I had had a couple of girlfriends when I was younger, but I only did that because of what society had taught me. I didn't even have my first kiss with a girl until my sophmore year in high school, and I was almost completely fine with that.

I had never been sexually aroused by women. The thought of a naked women usually always gave me the shivers. Now, I was exposed to porn at a very young age, so I don't know if that could have done something to my sexual development or what, but I do remember paying a lot more attention to the men in the porn than the women. I was even brought into my first sexual experience at a very young age as well, but I had no idea what I was doing; I just knew I liked it. It was with another young boy around the same age as me. I must have been 6 when we slept in the same bed and he had started touching me and I touched him back and things started going on their own. He was two years older than me, so he probably new more of what was going on than I did. Could that have messed with my sexual development?

I had never had an experience like that with a girl, and just like the kiss, I was completely ok with that. The closest I had ever gotten to a sexual experience with a girl was my first girlfriend back in 6th grade, back when I was ten and I couldn't care less about girls. But I certainly paid guys some attention! Mr and my gf at the time would have pretty much phone sex asking what ifs and what would you do's. Which would then lead on to us hanging up and me going into the shower to go "relieve myself" while thinking about guys.

So with all these experiences and thoughts, you would think It's pretty clear cut that I'm gay, but what about now? Now when I see a pretty girl, I acknowledge she's pretty, look at her ass, and move on. I talk to a lot of pretty girls, flirt a bit, and I get some kind of feeling... But I just can't decipher what this feeling is. I still am disgusted by a naked female, so what is this that I'm feeling? Is it loneliness? Why is it that I feel the need to flirt with girls sometimes and kiss them, when I generally only feel this towards men?

Does this mean I'm bisexual? I don't know, I guess that depends on your meaning behind each sexuality. I personally feel as though sexuality depicts on sexual feelings and love. If you can fall in love with the same sex or opposite sex or both and are physically attracted, you are clear cut gay, straight or bi. So where does that leave me?

There was this theory I heard of where no one is 100% one-sided when it comes to sexuality. That's when the influences started pushing on me that I was gay and somewhere in that spectrum of "in-between". And then I had read Ricky Martin's book where he explains how he could be attracted by a woman, but he could never be with a woman for the rest of his life and I compared that to myself and ran with it. Lastly, I found the depfox family on YouTube and thought, if I was gay, that could be my future and had it set in stone that I was gay.

But is that really who I am? What if those early sexual experiences and exposals had fooled me? What if it had messed me up? I won't even be able to experiment with women now that I am out as a gay man and the fear of taking that back stunts me from exploring a true answer.

This fear will plague me until I move away, which who know when that will be. The fear of coming out again. The fear of saying I was wrong. The fear of looki g stupid because it took me so long to figure out who I am. A fear I can not bare to withstand.

So I am plagued with the question of who am I. Always wondering if I am who people think I am or if I'm somebody else. Always wondering when I will find out or what will be the final journey to give me the answer. Always wondering when I will be able to be confident in who I am and not have to worry about this anymore.

Who had done this to me? My parents? God? My past? Society? Me? Maybe, but I'll find the answer. I just gotta wait out to an opportunity to take another path to another journey. Society got me here, and I let it. Thanks for listening guys, have a great night!

~Be Breezy!~