How to Get Away With Murder

Hey guys, since my last few posts have been a little negative, I thought I'd write about something positive. I don't want to project that I'm a negative person because in reality, I'm the exact opposite. I'm a positive person who sees the negative, however, projects as much positivity as I can. I heard a quote once that said, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." There's enough negativity in this world to kill half of it, so without further build up. . . Today's topic!

About a month ago, me and my boyfriend were searching through netflix. Every night we get home from work and we'll be looking for something to watch because let's face it, TV just isn't what it used to be. All that is ever on these days are shitty remakes of classic shows, shitty reality TV shows, and the shit that no one wants to watch. Of course there are some good shows in contrast to those, but you only ever catch them if you stay home all day or its one of those once a week type shows.

So we were scrolling through trying to do d something to watch, and we came across this show called How To Get Away With Murder. The show came up in Kyle's top picks or most recommended,  but honestly we don't pay much attention to that section because 12 other people use his netflix. (Sorry Netflix) However, we had both came across this previously in passing and decided to give it a shot; it was another series to get into and it starred the wonderful and fabulous Viola Davis.

Mrs. - miss? I don't know if she's married or not... she should be, she's fucking Viola Davis! - Viola Davis has been a huge star for both of us in everything she's played, especially for me. She played one of the main characters in the movie The Help, which was an incredible story about what it was like during the Civil rights movement of black people's rights. I loved her ever since that film because she had been a huge advocate for black people and a wide inspiration to many.

In this show, Davis plays the hard ass professor of a law class in what I believe to be in the graduate school level. On top of that, she is also an active defense attorney in the courtroom whom does not lose cases. From the very beginning she takes on five students she names the "Keating Five" ( because her name in the show is Annalise Keating) that she essentially interns them and takes them into the courtroom with her and they are to help her solve and fight her cases. They are taken under her wing with her two associates and must continue their struggle in hiding and uncovering more about their dirty, little secret.

Right off the bat, you can tell that this show is a crime - drama. It includes the law and the fighting in the courtroom, however it is so much more. If you wanted to see law fighting and excruciating cases, you could just watch Law and Order or NCIS, or something, but I brought you to this show! Why? Because once you are engaged, you are hooked and there is so much more that you need to know before you can just jump ship. You need to know how she does it. How does she somehow manage to get these people who admit murders to her, off? You need to know how she plans to hide their dirty little secret. You need to know why she cares so much for these students. You need to know why more and more shit keeps happening to her. You need to know, what happens to the students in the very end.

Like in every show, at least in every good one, you get attached to the characters. In all honesty, that's what creates a great movie in my book! My ability to connect with the characters is crucial to me enjoying most things. I guess that is the psych major and sociology minor in me speaking. I just love people and I love getting to know more and more about them. Why did I feel so connected to Harry Potter? Because I literally grew up with him. When he cried, I cried. Harry was like a good friend to me, I listened even when he thought no one else did. I was there fighting with him in every book, in every movie, and just like his parents, I never left his side. Same goes for divergent. I felt like I grew up with Tris Prior. I've only read up to Insurgent, but I've known her since she was 16 and finding out in herself that she didn't belong in abnegation. Her panic in understanding in what it was to be different and having to hide it and fall in line to secure your safety?  I couldn't understand more. Harry and Tris are both important people to me because I was able to connect with them. To me that is key. In that case, How to Get Away With Murder has got me.

I am so involved in these characters, it is unbelievable. I think it even helped to bring in a familiar face for me to, and I do remember it being one of the bigger pushes to me watching it as well. Alfred Enoch stars in HTGAWM (typing that out everytime was getting to be murder) as Wes Gibbons or amongst the "Keating Five" he was formally known as "wait list" because of his unprepared first day in class was do to him being just allowed in because he was wait listed. If you look at Alfred Enoch closely, or have watched Harry Potter as much as I have, you could tell that he is Dean Thomas from Harry Potter. Dean is a longtime friend between Harry, Ron, Seamus, and really the rest of Gryffindor house. In Order of the Pheonix, Dean Thomas is actually dating Ron Weasley ' s sister, Ginny Weasley. Already, I was hooked from there because it involved Mr. Mudblood Dean Thomas!

However, the character that has really got me clinging to my bed sheets - Sorry Dean -  is Jack Falahee's character Connor Walsh. Connor is the clever, smart guy in the room who also has that sexy appeal to him. It's funny how much he rivals another student in the Keating Five by using his sex appeal to get him what he wants. Now, if you guys know me really well, you guys will also know why he is my absolute favorite. He is more than just a pretty face with a brain. . . That's right readers, you've guessed it; he's gay. (Enter applause)

You don't know how proud I was to find out that he was gay. At the very beginning, you know he's a major character because of the dirty, little secret he's involved in, but you don't find out right off the bat that he's gay. If you've been following along for a while, and if I had posted the paper I wrote my freshman year of college on The Fosters, you'll know that I LOVE it when they don't make it obvious that a character is gay. I just find that in so many shows, four out of five, that the gay character has got to be the traditional stereotypical gay guy with the flamboyant voice and traditional gay attributes. It's insulting. Yes, there are guys with those attributes in the gay community, howevwr, that is not all we are made of! In my paper, I even address how Will from Will & Grace is even made out to be a "straight - acting" gay guy with feminine attributes and is even sought out to end up with Grace!  We are a community with as wide a range of personalities as any other community, and it's about mother fucking time they noticed it!

What made Connor so much more meaningful to me was the fact that he was actually even competent. More so, he and his life are both relevant! How many times do you get the gay character that can't stop focusing on himself enough to be fucking competent in anything that the rest of the cast is doing! In addition, how many times do we actually find a good representation of a gay guy and then he's only seen for fucking 5 minutes and then he's never seen again, and if he is, he's only there for only five more fucking minutes! We don't ever get to know him or what his real attributes are like; they just so happened to have leaked that he was gay, or they probably blurted it out just to say they had a gay character, and exempt him from the show and claim to the public that they are proud to include a gay character. Bull. Shit.

In HTGAWM, everything Connor does has an impact on the show, his life, and the Keating Five. I believe in either the first or the second episode, he reveals that he is gay by seducing a member of the jury or a client and it works in their favor, also shooting at the sexual appeals of his rival, Michaela. Can we just stop to talk about this for a moment! The fact that his rival is supposed to be fucking Aja Naomi King is fucking awesome! She's an incredible actress, she's fucking gorgeous, and she's a great advocate for a black woman. Usually in these kinds of shows, there are two girls battling between sex appeal and brains, but in this case, they brought a King and a Queen. ( Ba Dum Dum) In this show, both of them are great looking people with great brains.

Back to Connor, the show holds him at being a little promiscuous, but as I'm growing up, I'm learning that what young adult isn't? It's not like they are doing it because he's gay and that's a stereotype, most young adults are just a little over horny, trust me, I know what I'm talking about! Even his colleague, Asher, is the same way! It is just nice to see that for once there is a character that can represent for those of us in the community who are so widely underrepresented. The nice thing is, a tiny spoiler, he grows out of being the obnoxious, sex crazing guy he is and "gets comfy."

In addition to Connor, and this is just me being the horny, young adult I am, you get to see some really good looking guys! Good thing is, everyone in the show so far is actually very attractive, but this guy Charlie Weber has got me running to all my girlfriends! I must have told almost 100 people about this guy. Google even knows when I'm going to search him up and what picture I want. Naturally, I don't go for the skinny and in fit guys as much, however, the second I seen that guy, I was fully hooked onto the show. He's not as big a character as Connor or the rest of the Keating Five, but he does have a pretty major role.

This show is a fantastic show. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone under the age of 16, but it is absolutely incredible. I am the furthest thing from being included in the topic of law, and this show still appeals to me. I think what this show has really even done to me has made me make that final push to thinking that I want to be a professor. For the longest time, I've always thought about being a twacher, but I could never find the age group that I liked enough to put up with it. On top of that, teaching jobs are hard to come by and there isn't anything within the couple subjects that schools teach that I would really want to teach to the extent I would want to. I have the patience to be a teacher and I think I have the personal skills for it as well. I think if I could be anything, I would want to be just like Annalise, just without the dirty little secrets everywhere.

I would love to teach my own class and then have my own little group of interns to work under me and I can get to know them all individually and I can build them up and set them off into the workplace, maybe even make my own office and have them work for me. I just love the idea of getting to be a role model just as she was. To have people look up to me and want to be me as people look up to Annalise and want to be like her. I would love to have that diverse group of interns that we all have something in common and individually we have even more in common and just becoming a good group altogether is amazing to me.

I have a research study that I take part in on campus that makes me feel almost how I would imagine Annalise makes the Keating Five feel. Everytime I am in the classroom with my professor and the other students, I feel special. Honorable. When she speaks about certain things, she keeps an extra eye out for us and we sneak glimpses at each other knowing that we're the special group she'll be talking about. Moreover, we've even got our own research lab! We've decorated it, brought in chairs and snacks and stuffs. I even go there in between classes as my time to get away. We've just gotten so comfortable in there and it has really given me that connected feeling to ESU that I always wanted in a college. In that form, is what I would want to give to kids in the future along with my own profession on the side.

How To Get Away With Murder is a must see. I have told everyone about this show because it is truly a show that needs to be known out there because of the underlying strengths that it carries. All of the first season is up on netflix and Hulu and the second season is playing on all the major news channels - excluding Fox and NBC - at 10 o'clock (I don't know what central, I guess 9?) on Thursdays. Please give this show a watch because that will make it continue to grow and we need more shows like this on TV that can actually benefit society.

That's it for today's post. I hope you guys had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. I enjoy writing about topics like this. They just flow so much better for me, especially since I've probably told this story almost 40 times. I hope to write again soon, and check out the show! Tell me what you think! I'd love to hear how everyone feels about it.  Or even just to say Hi! I have slowly been looking into more and more posts. I know these things are mostly internal, I love to hear from people, so I assume so do others.

Have a great weekend everyone!
~Be Breezy!~

Making Us Look Bad

Good morning guys, I know it's been a while, and I'm sure you're expecting the same usual BS. Well, that's good because that's really all it is. (Enter shameful emoji)

Today's post is brought to you by an experience I've been having in my Intro to Cultural Diversity lecture class. I can only hope that my writing is getting better as time goes on; however, being that I keep taking such huge hiatuses, it may be getting worse. But this post is mainly to get my thoughts out, however crude they may be, and hopefully get some feedback or answer my own questions.

I have an 8 AM lecture class that is required for my minor in Sociology and required for most other people's majors and minors, whatever they may be. In difference to some others, I actually find this course interesting, which I assume should be important if it is related to your choice of field. I actually care about what the professor is talking about and find the information interesting and engaging from time to time. Now, because I'm saying that I find the topics interesting doesn't mean that I don't find some parts uninteresting and boring. To all wide range courses, there are parts you like and dislike. In general, I think there are parts of things that you like and dislike, but you have to take the good with the bad. In fact, this course was going to be the deciding factor on if I was going to keep sociology as my minor because I didn't find the first course I took, Intro to Sociology, that interesting. It turned out to be my professor that I found less interesting than the course itself, which is good because it means I have a good professor this semester to keep me engaged. The problem this semester lies with this insanely rude student in the class.

This is a class of AT LEAST 100 students! The fact that ONE student could annoy me this much is insane! I never used to notice him until after he presented his project with his group. His group's topic of choice was nothing interesting and his performance was dull to say the least. What made him stand out to me was that he was obviously gay.

People like this always stand out to me because of their strength and their egos. They stand out to me because despite what the general population of males may think about guys who are flamboyant and for lack of a better term shoot rainbows or a purse falls out when the talk, they stay true to who they are and they do it with pride. This guy in particular where's the tight skinny jeans, the long, flowing cardigans, talks in a very effeminate voice, and paints his nails. I think the nails is what caught me right off the bat.

I remember painting my nails when I was little. I thought I looked soo cool. My older sister and mom did it, so I thought I would be just like them. And then my parents seen what I had done. My parents were obviously disapproving and made me take it off immediately. I never cared about it much growing up, it was just one of those things we did when we were little and got in trouble and never bothered with it again. I don't think about it now and I'm not jealous of the kid that wears it, I'm just proud of him for wearing it outright and proud.

So why does he bother me? No doubt he made me proud and made me feel like I wasn't alone. He stood up against stigma and fought it off of him. He stays himself among anything else. Why does he annoy me to my last nerve? Because of the rest of his character.

Ever since I noticed him that day, EVERY time I'm in class, I know he's there. Not because I can see him, and not because I find him attractive. (Gross) It is because I can hear is rude, obnoxious ass.

Every class period, this guy is fucking belching up a storm and talking over the professor about the STUPIDEST shit! He'll be complaining, or talking about what he's doing or what he would want to be doing, or gossiping, or talking about someone, and those kind of people aggravate the SHIT out of me!

It would be one thing if I only heard him or he only annoyed me whenever I had to sit near him, but he's obnoxiously annoying from everywhere in the room! He always sits in the back left corner of the room and his voice just fucking travels; mainly because everyone else is fucking quiet. One day, I had to sit next to him because I was already late and I didn't want to be picky on where I sat, so I sat next to him and a friend of mine who is friends with him. I never wanted to hit someone as bad as I did that morning.

This guy kept fucking complaining that he was getting sick, and then how he was going to shop online, asking our mutual friend if she liked the sweater he was going to buy, and why he should get it, and other clothes that were ugly, and how he wanted to go get coffee. I shit you not, this is the short list of what he actually did. What made it all so much worse was that he knew he was being obnoxious, and he was feeding off of it.

Today was just as bad, if not considerably worse. Today, the professor won't off lecture and started to talk about an experience that had touched him personally about genocide. He went on about the topic and even broke down and started crying because of how strongly this topic meant to him, and the kid was still being obnoxious and whatnot. I was unbelievably infuriated that the kid could not even hold himself together while the professor is pouring his heart out in front of the class and couldn't help myself from shooting him dirty looks for the remainder of the lecture.

So why did I choose to write about him? I'm in college now, I've had TONS of people annoy me in this manner before, if not worse! What makes this guy special enough to make me write about him? The impression be leaves behind.

Over the summer, the United States courts finally did the right thing and legalized gay marriage in all 50 states. This was an incredible victory for the gay community, and I wish I could have gotten myself to post something before I went to work that day, but I couldn't. After the initial excitement and tears and feelings had been gradually eradicated, I couldn't help feeling like we still aren't where we need to be. No doubt, we passed an incredible milestone and have come a long way, however, our fight and struggle are not over. We still have battles of stigma we need to fight. What about our Transgender brother and sisters? What about the youth that kill themselves and struggle with the knowledge that coming out could mean dire repercussions and exile from family and friends. What about that guy that doesn't know that being gay doesn't have to change who you are?

What makes this guy different from anyone else to me is the impact that he has on other people's meaning of what it is to be gay. I remember my dad and my assistant manager talking about how "all gay guys are catty and throw themselves out there, etc." What this kid is doing is proving to some people that that stigma is true. He's showing how we only care about ourselves and be obnoxious, etc. Guys like him make it hard for guys like me who come out because we don't want to be stigmatized that way just because we're gay.

Standing on the inside, however, I understand and know that it shouldn't be looked at that way, but sadly, it is. I know that he shouldn't be looked at as a spokesman for gay people, but when the population is scarce and uncommon, that's what happens. He didn't ask to be, just like I didn't ask to be, but we are; the difference is, I plan to use it to benefit the community.

As I continue to write and rant, I can see how my arguments can sound kind of weak and may seem like I'm picking at straws, but to me, that's what I see. It's what racist people see whenever they see that ONE black guy act obnoxious, and that's what bigots and ignorant people will see when they see him. No matter where we go or what we do, we are constantly being watched and constantly being stigmatized. It is our job to turn that into a proactive thing. I'm not saying to change who you are as a person, because trust me, I am far from perfect! What I am saying is watch what you do and where you do it, because it can sometimes be your footprint that people find.

That's my rant for the day. I'm still deciding on if I want to confront this kid publicly or do I want to do it gracefully and pull him to the side. The problem is that this kid isn't going to take me seriously unless I make an impact, but I have to remember that this is college and that things don't work out as easily as they should. Let me hear your guys' input, I'd love to hear what you guys think.

Enjoy your weekend,
~Be Breezy ~

The Hunt For A Gay Best Friend

When I was 16, which feels like YEARS ago, I began this blog to document who I was and how I was feeling. My posts reflected my fay to day interactions with people and their ignorance, my parents and their ignorance, and my internal struggles with love and loneliness. In one of my first posts, I wrote about community and how it can effect people. I also wrote another post talking about the public's right to know if you're gay, to help create community. Recently, those posts have been racing through my mind constantly.

As most of you know, I no longer struggle with a life without love. I have been in a relationship for almost a year and a half, and I couldn't be happier. I have someone to love, kiss, hold, cuddle, etc. But that's not all I want. What I would like is to have that group of friends where we share that common feature: being gay.

About a week ago (cue song and dance) I was talking to Kyle, the boyfriend, about making other gay friends. We have friends that consist of my brother and our mutual best friend, and two of his clients. I also have my friends, who I admit I rarely ever get to see these days, that I made through my previous job that I love very much, but from this point of view, it just doesn't seem the same. The problem is I won't know until I actually have another gay friend. One with similar interests and that I can just hang out with.

I told him that I had created a scruff, gay app, to meet other gay people. He made a joke about it the night before I made one, so it had actually got me thinking. Those apps aren't solely for dating! People go on there all the time just to meet different people! Granted there are a lot of guys on there who just want to have sex and date, but there are people on there that just want to meet other gay guys to hang around. Unfortunately, I deleted it because I felt that Kyle wasn't approving of it and felt some type of way, whether he wanted to admit to it or not. I felt guilty about it from the start because I knew that that's how a lot of other gay guys just found hook ups. Sadly, that's what most of the guys on there were looking for; if it wasn't about dick, then you weren't it.

But if that's the case, how's another gay guy to meet another gay guy with similar interests? I wish I could say I could just go to clubs or the bars, but I haven't reached that stage in my life yet. I thought being 18 was going to be fucking great! I could get into clubs, go to strip clubs, I'm a legal age, etc. NOPE. I can smoke and that's it for the most part. Nowadays, night life prefers people to be 21 to enter so they don't need to worry about illegal alcohol consumption. JUST. MY. LUCK.

I wish I could say that I could just walk up to people and have a conversation, but even that's just not as easy anymore. For one thing, it's hard enough to even find out if someone is gay! Sometimes you get a very accurate guess, however, that is all it is - a guess. What if you're wrong?  Then what? Awkward pause and then pray to God that you can play that shit the fuck off! Then you've just got a wierd story to tell everytime you see the guy.

I even really suck with picking out if someone is gay! I couldn't tell my coworker was gay until he said and then when he did, it all can into perspective! Sometimes just looking for stereotypes isn't the trick. Most people can't determine if I'm gay because I don't follow a lot of those stereotypes. I don't have a high pitched voice, the gay lisp, walk with a strut, dress any different than any other guy, or talk with my hands. I actually put on a gay front, if you will, to actually give people an incite that I'm gay. I act very over the top excited, say phrases like "Hey girl, hey!" To everyone, and say things like "hair flip" or quote Beyonce. Sometimes I'll even wear my pride bracelet to let people in a bigger incite incase they don't catch those hints.

I don't hide any of those features because I think about how it would affect me if I saw another guy doing that. My stomach would drop due to excitement, my heart would lunge for the connection, and my brain would scramble due to the series of interactions that occur. I would be overly estatic if I seen that because that would mean another opportunity to meet someone else like me, more so because I actually enjoy being like that. I would hope that even if they weren't out of the closet, they could find trust in me to have that conversation with me and I pick up on it. After all, that's all I ever wanted growing up.

What makes me most upset, is the fact that I have seen a generous amount of gay people lately, of course while I'm at work, and they're just so rude. They may not even be rude, but they are just outright sassy, and don't care. It's as if they give me that same look our entire community has been given just for being gay. It's almost like a look of "I don't have time for you or your silly questions or gaymes. I figured it out by myself, so can you." I know that look because I've seen it in my boyfriend. I know that look because at one point I had given it in one way or another.

What ever happened to being there for each other? What happened to just stopping for a moment and talking? Why does it seem so impossible to build a relationship with someone else so like you, but easier to dismiss them because you don't want to be bothered? Probably two weeks ago, I was at work where I see this guy every couple of nights and my "gaydar" goes off. He was a cute cub. he looked like a really cool and sweet genuine guy. Minutes later, I see him at the deli counter ordering and holding his boyfriend. Briefly, I see them share a kiss. It warmed my heart to see because naturally I feel like I'm the only gay guy for miles. But I know I'm not because my boyfriend is with me, making us the only two gay guys for miles, which can be very challenging for me at times because it makes me feel as though all eyes are on us and it makes me feel a little vulnerable. 
After they are done at the deli, they walk into the produce department, my department. At this point, my heart is racing. I'm ties between just not saying anything at all because I'm afraid of the rejection and how wierd it may come off, or being genuine and telling them how I really felt about it. What actually scared me was the thought of them being how my boyfriend would react if someone had complimented us. One time (what?! Another story while telling another one? Yeah, I'm trying something new.) me and Kyle were walking down the Jersey shore boardwalk hand in hand and another guy broke away from his group of friends and came over to tell us that we were the cutest couple and that he was happy for us. I genuinely said thank you and told him how much I appreciated it, but was kind of cut off by my boyfriend giving him a brief "uh-huh, thanks" and kept moving. Kyle solely thought the guy was just being a dick, but I thought the better of him.

It even happened while we were on vacation that another guy came over to talk to us just because we were gay and he wanted to express that it didn't matter and that his brother was gay. Kyle acted a little more genuine and continued talking, but he still wasn't very approving of what went on. He absolutely hates it when people just talk to us to give us their verification, as if we need it. However, I enjoy it. It shows me that the world is changing. Not all of us actually get to see it. He works in a profession that is very gay friendly - I do not. As of right now, I work in a grocery store in the produce department; no one is expecting me to be gay. I don't get to see the friendlier side of people with that all the time. Most of the time, I get the crazy older generation complain about us. It's nice to hear other straight people go out of their way to compliment us, because it is truly a compliment.

Back to the original story, I decided that I want to tell the couple how I felt about their kiss. I thought of it in my own shoes, I enjoy hearing that and it warms my heart, who's to say that they won't feel the same way? The cute cub did. As soon as I started talking, he cut me off and said "uh-huh, thanks." I had gotten halfway through the sentence to where I had saw the kiss and I thought it was cute and he just brushed me off and kept walking. He hardly acknowledged me; part of me thinks that he was half scared of what I was going to say so he just darted off because he didn't want to hear anything bad, but that would be me thinking the better of people. I know why he walked away.

That gave him a very bad look in my book. What is so bad about just accepting a compliment and building upon that? Honestly, it made him seem very sassy and rude, which is what I'm sure those people thought of Kyle whenever he dismissed them like that. Sad thing is he doesn't care, and neither do other guys who do this. They don't care how it comes off or what it does. I think about those repercussions and take them very seriously, mainly because they do not do us justice.

What they do is reinforce a stereotype. They reinforce the idea that we are very sassy and rude. That we believe ourselves to be above everyone and are uppity. That we don't want anything to do with the rest of the world unless it benefits us. I don't want to be looked at that way, and I certainly don't want to be referred to in that manner. Main thing is, he never even got to truly hear what I had to say, and now, he probably never will. He may not have known that I was gay, too, but would it have mattered if I was? To me, it should.

I believe you should want to make connections with people who share your community. Why not build and form a friendship? Some strong sensibility that makes us as gay people stronger. Who wouldn't want that? The black community does. That's why they formed together to create their own channel, their own movements, their own traditions. The 99 percent does. That's why they create their own marches, speeches, and outreach programs. The art community. That's why they have art shows, art sales, and contests. Why shouldn't we follow that example? More so, why shouldn't we branch out that community to our straight allies? They are who's votes truly mean a lot. They are our friends, our family, our neighbors, and our government. Why wouldn't you want to give them the opportunity to see who we truly are? Some people may not think a lot of this, but I do. And I think it's important.

I'm still on the hunt for a gay best friend. Someone just to hang out with. Go get dinner, work out with, be athletic with, etc.  I would prefer someone who was a part of the bear community as well, but being a part of the gay community is just as good. With this post, please remember that every interaction leaves a mark. Let's not leave a bad one.

~Be Breezy ~

Just Because We're Family.

Family. A loving bond between people that cannot be broken. Caring for someone so much that it hurts. Having their back no matter what it may take. Doing what's best for them in their best interest. Looking passed their flaws and loving them regardless. Sharing a blood relationship doesn't make you family, it makes you related.

Being that Mother's Day has come and gone and now the arrival of Father's Day awaits me next and soon the Fourth of July, I have put more thought into my feelings towards my parents and my aunt. Things have been a lot better now. I have moved out and I do my own thing for myself. I don't need to hear criticism from them about what I choose to do and not do. If I want to leave my room messy, fine. If I want to put off dishes for a day, I can do that, too. If I want to sleep with a man in my arms, I can do it with my conscience at peace.

It makes me wonder if my mother chooses not to criticize me in anything because of her fear that I may never talk to her again. Every so often (more like every couple of days) when I haven't talked to my mom or seen her, she texts me and asks me what's going on. I assume she's doing this because I'm her youngest and I still JUST moved out, but part of me thinks she's afraid she's done something to upset me as to where I don't want to talk to her. Ma, if you're ever reading this. . . No, you didn't upset me. If anything, I was literally preoccupied with doing something else and calling or texting wasn't the thing on my mind.

When Mother's day came, I sought it as a complete chore and something I found more than difficult to take part in. It always hard finding the perfect gift for the ones you love, but it is especially hard when you are mad at them. When this year's Mother's Day came, I was utterly infuriated at the thought that I had to get her something. Even more so when my father called me the day of! He calls me (and mind you, my dad NEVER calls me) and asks me if I called her and had a present for her. I couldn't be any more annoyed at that point.

But why was I so annoyed? Now that I have moved out, my relationship with my mom is basically back to normal. Why was I so angry you ask? It was because 1. I had to basically move out or change my life to fit their views for us to continue ANY kind of relationship with her and 2. She had put me through a living hell for 5 MONTHS. Excuse me if I do not have a right to be angry.

When mother's day had come, I didn't feel she deserved anything. She was lucky I was still even talking to her! Let's recap: She harassed and forced me to tell my father I was gay, she idly stood back and watch my dad tear me down every step of the way, she kept me confined in that house not able to do anything, and BLAMED me for anything and everything that went wrong from that point on. My aunt and her were fighting, that was my fault. My brother was acting out, that was my fault. Her job was annoying her, that was my fault. My dad's blood pressure was rising, still my fault!

Why should I have to get her a damn thing? She certainly won mother of the year award with those actions! Even when I tried to talk to her, it's like she hadn't even listened to me. I basically poured my heart out to her and then next day, she proceeded to harass me about telling my father. It's like it went through one ear and out of the other.

My anger hadn't even stopped there. What annoyed me most was the fact that I was supposed to forget everything that happened between us and put forth my money to show my appreciation and love for her. How dare anyone say that? What I took out of my father's phone call that day was that I am to make sure I get her a present and give her a call because "it would be nice to hear from me".

I'm sure it was considering all that she'd done. To me, getting her a gift was giving up what she had done to me and saying that it was all okay. It was putting up this smokescreen saying that the passed five months never happened. Forget the fact that you told me that I'm the reason that my brother is acting out. Forget about when you told me that my dad can't handle this bullshit that I'm putting out. Forget the fact that you told me to get out of your house because I was causing such a havoc in your house that none of you could stand it, a week before my birthday.

But no, seriously, it's okay you did all of that. Excuse me as I pay for these two $60 plants for you to plant in your yard as a reward for being a great mother last year.

As Father's Day comes, I can't help but think the same thing. For my father, the anger digs even deeper. My father and I have never gotten along in my eyes. We've had times where he's chuckled at my jokes and I have brushed off his, but all in all, I just remained civil. I never felt like he deserved much of an award or reward for the kind of dad he was.

Yes, he took us on vacations and out to eat, and gave us clothes and stuffs; however, that doesn't make up for everything he lacked and missed. He never came to any of my performances, whether it was chorus or my independent performances. He never tried to truly interact with me or my brother, if he did, it was in his own interests. And how can we forget about the memories of the screams and terror in my brother and mother's eyes as you beat them. I still hear my brother screaming for you to stop hitting him. I still wake up in the middle of the night straining my ears to hear if the pair of you are arguing to the point where you hit her. I still remember getting up at 1 in the morning and racing up the stairs with my sister and niece and watching you pin my mother down as she screamed for you to stop and you told us to go away.

I will never believe you deserve father of the year awards for those memories. But even more so now that you haven't made it any easier. You also played a part in my coming out that I won't forget. When that night finally came, you made sure from that point on that you were going to do everything you could to change me. You never even tried to understand. Every day you would force me into your domain where you would basically telling me I'm wrong for what I'm thinking and feeling, comparing me to pedophiles at every chance you could. Threatening to call the cops on my Boyfriend for corruption of a minor. Confining me into that house where you kept your own ideas enforced without any view of enlightenment.

Why should you deserve anything? I have to give it to my mom, when I told my parents I was leaving, I told them they had a chance to reconcile and continue a relationship with me, but they had to let this all go. I feel that my mom takes my warning into consideration. She does not try to upset me, at that, she reaches out to me and tries. The most blatant way to put it is if my parents didn't shop at my store, I would probably never see my dad. Why? Because my dad doesn't care to put forth a foot to see or talk to me. Like I said above, my dad does not call me! He does not try to text me or contact me in any way! So why should I continue?

The last time I seen my dad and had a conversation one on one was probably a month and a half ago. We go to my brother's house, their house, to watch Game of Thrones on the big TV movie room in the basement, mainly it's because they're the only ones with HBO. at that point, I would go upstairs everytime I got there to say hello to my dad and tell him how everything was going and to see how it was there. The conversation headed in the direction of school (surprise, surprise) and I told him about this inappropriate professor that I had this semester. I told him how the professor was utterly and totally out of order and inappropriate with his topics of discussion and there was no way of justifying it. The professor taught computer science and talked about how the girls in the class were sexy and if they had nude pictures on their phones and edging the boys on about sexy women manipulating them, etc. My father decided to disregard this as nothing compared to how I live my life. At this point, I knew where the discussion was going.

My dad basically informed me that unless I admit I am wrong for being gay, then I cannot fully judge him on his actions for they are the same. First, let me clear that up here and now. My professor was nowhere under the age of 60 and he was describing these female students, whom were no less than 18 and no more than 20, as sexy individuals and coming up with scenarios where they would be portrayed nude. That is in NO WAY acceptable on any account! Number one: that's disgusting that he is that old talking about young girls like that! Number two: He is a professor and those are students, and that is no different than a teacher sleeping with a student, which is unacceptable and prohibited. That is in NO WAY comparable to being gay, nor is it relatable to my relationship with my boyfriend.

This to me was a complete slap in the face. He not only insulted my point of view, he insulted my community, my integrity, and my relationship, but because I was in his house, I did not argue it. I brushed it off, and told him it was time for me to leave. I had no intention of making it seem like I was okay with what he said, but he knew I was not okay with it. He knew what he said was completely out of line and inappropriate, but he didn't care. So my state of mind is, why should I?

Why should I care to continue tired conversations that I have to carry and lead into a direction where he doesn't pissed me off? Why do I have to go out of my way to make him feel special provided everything that he's done? Like I said, if it were up to me, he wouldn't get anything. He'd be lucky if I even called him on Father's day.

Lastly, my aunt. About a month ago, my sister texted me and told me that my aunt was having a fourth of July barbecue at her house in NY, as she usually does, and she would like for me to come. This is the very same aunt who outed me almost 7 months ago to my mom without permission. This is the same aunt who ruined everything for me. The same aunt who cursed out my mother a month and a half ago over this situation.This is the very same aunt, who has still not apologized to me for what she has done, nor has she called or talked to me in general.

This was nothing more than a slap in the face to me. What's more on top of that was the fact that my aunt couldn't even tell me herself! She told her daughter (my cousin) who told my sister and SHE told me. This situation more than most was one where it felt like she was telling me, "Forget about what happened, at the end of the day, we're family." This is what brought everything into perspective and probably what provided some of the anger to continue towards my parents.

The three of them seem to carry this one state of mind: Just because we're family, we should forget about what happened and move on. So what you're telling me is, I'm supposed to drop everything that happened and forgive you when you never even apologized, and jump back to where we were? And that's all because we're family? No. Not at all. Family doesn't do what you've done to each other. Family doesn't hurt one another intentionally and does not apologize for it. My family, doesn't do that to me. My family, hasn't done that to me; and I'll be damned if I'll be told a member of my family has done that and expects me to stick around.

In short, no, I don't think I will forget this. Maybe I'll quote Nicki Minaj and "Forgive, won't forget, but I'ma dead the issue." I want to make sure that this is a lesson that sinks in and is learned by everyone. It is not okay to hurt others in ways of no return. Moreover, sometimes a little "sorry" can go a long way. In my book, swallowing your pride and owning up to a mistake, one of the biggest ways you can go.

To all the mothers and fathers out there, don't think that because you have a day devoted to you that you have a right to be rewarded and awarded just because you provide for a child. It's the care for the child that counts.

~Be Breezy ~

Talking Professional

Woah, who's this guy?! I know, I have been on an incredible hiatus lately, a lot bigger than I had intended. I find it a bit funny that my reasoning is always that life has taken me away and I just never find the time to write, and yet, it is absolutely my reasoning! You would think after me quitting one of my jobs that I would have a bit more time, but I certainly don't! I work literally almost 40 hours a week and when I'm not there, I'm in class, and when I'm not there, I'm cleaning the apartment. The little bit of time I actually have to myself is generally on the bus when I just want to dive into the Harry Potter books.

Anywho, life in the apartment has been GREAT! It is literally the best thing I have ever done. I couldn't be happier. My life appears in this new light, a light called freedom and responsibility. In this light, I do whatever it is I deem beneficial to my life with my boyfriend, my job, and in pursuit of my career. I make all my choices and I don't have to refer to anyone else.

The best part is, no part of my move was detrimental to my relationship with my parents, at least not too much. My mom has come over and seen the entire apartment and even complimented on it! The parts that I was the most afraid of showing her were the parts that she seemed to have loved the most! I was petrified of showing her the bedroom, which holds two intimate pictures of me and Kyle and a Mr. And Mr. Sign, and the bathroom that holds two small his and his towels. She loved it all.

My dad has yet to see the apartment,  but according to my mom, he couldn't be more proud of me. She told me that he brags to everyone that I live on my own and how I afford it all with one job and I'm going to school. Every Sunday when we go to my parents house to watch whatever series me and my brothers are watching, I go to talk to my dad and he still talks to me, which is a plus, but beyond that, he seems the same.

Now that I have brought everyone up to speed, it is time to talk about the real topic. That's right everyone, I'm talking about the real scoop! The official trash. The bad mother SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Grab your cups of hot chocolate, take a swig, and let's discuss.

I work in a grocery store in the produce department. This place was even my first job. I have worked at this store since I was sixteen as a bag boy and have worked my way up since. I had gone from being a young bag boy, to being a cashier, to having worked with my managers, to now being in produce. Obviously, I like my job. I've been there for two years! I don't like working in certain parts of the store, but overall, it was a good first job and is a good place for me to hang out until I can work in my field.

The best part about my job are my coworkers. I get along with almost all of them and they all love me. They all know, for the most part, about me being gay and they're all cool with it. They've known me since I was just starting out and have seen me mature ever since. They love my work ethic and especially my ability to have fun at work. I'm always joking and always smiling. The customers love it, my coworkers love it, and it makes me smile to see such a smile on their faces.

Now that I work in a different department, I have more responsibilities and different coworkers. I still love them all the same, in fact, we're almost like a bit of a family. There's not many of us and we're not that close, but we work together pretty well and we get the job done. We know not to take each other seriously, we're a department filled with guys, NOTHING is ever too serious. Unless something gets messed up and puts us behind, then shit gets real. However, we all know what gets each other tick and sometimes we push on those buttons, but at the end of the day, we all have the same goal.

Me and my manager have a good relationship as well. I'm pretty sure I'm his third favorite part timer. There's this older gentleman who's been there for a long time, another guy who had been there longer than any other part timer other than the older gentleman, and then me. I've only been there about 5 months, so that's about what I expect.

As I've said, everyone at my job knows that I'm gay, including him. Just to get this out there, he is in no way homophobic. He and a lot of my other new coworkers know that I'm gay and none of them give a shit. They hadn't done much more than a quick flinch when I slid it into conversation, but nothing more than that.

Today, I was joking with him and he always jumps to either gay jokes or black jokes, which I don't mind. I actually find them pretty hilarious if they're well thought out. Anyways, he made a joke to which me and another coworker laughed at and then my assistant store manager came over, which I couldn't care less. My assistant store manager is no more intimidating than my other coworkers, and he knows I'm gay as well.

The three of us just started joking around and bullshitting when my manager asked me about working tomorrow. I told him I could only work in the morning because I had already made plans with my partner. Quickly, he stopped and focused the conversation on the fact that I said "partner". He had done this once before but not as big as he did this time.

Just like he did once before, he asked me why I refer to my boyfriend as my partner and if my boyfriend appreciated the fact that I referred to him that way and if he refers to me that way. In the spur of the moment, I just joked with him and played it off as I did with anything that he said. I guess my assistant store manager felt a bit awkward cause he glanced at me and walked away chuckling. This moment ended with my manager giving a very nervous laugh meaning it was funny that my assistant store manager reacted that way even though it shouldn't have been brought up that way, but letting me know he was just joking and sorry if he annoyed me.

I hadn't really been annoyed with him, he just made me think. It was definetly something I had thought about before. This was the second time he said this. Why did he ask? Why does he care? He doesn't care, but why would he pick on that? The main important thing was, he was right.

Why did I refer to Kyle that way? Why does Kyle do it? Why do most gay guys do this? Was it just me? Does it mean anything? I certainly didn't like referring to him that way. So why did I do it? I wouldn't do it if I were talking to any of my other coworkers that I'm friends with.

It makes me wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that they were my managers? Maybe it's just a part of a professional front that I put on when around them? The only problem with that is I'm always talking to them as if they were just my friends; it's just how our relationships are.

Maybe it could be a defense mechanism. Just like in the way that I usually tell people I'm gay by just inconspicuously sliding it into conversation. I always kind of avoid just having to bluntly say "I'm gay" by usually using the word "partner" or something like that. It usually breaks the initial reaction of wanting to pause and focus on the fact that I just said I'm gay because it kind of explains that it isn't a big deal, nor is it something that we need to focus on.

By using the word "partner," I avoid directly and bluntly outing myself by saying boyfriend. When I say boyfriend, I feel like everyone automatically think of me having sex with another guy and/or they immediately think less or something of me and that's not what I want. I don't want anyone getting that thought that now there is this barrier between us that makes us different.

But is that right? Is that fair to Kyle? More so, is that fair to me? Is it fair that I don't acknowledge Kyle with as big a name as boyfriend. Is it fair that after all the fighting and arguing that I jump back into hiding mechanisms because I was too afraid to just come out and say that I'm dating another guy that I refer to as my boyfriend? No, it is not.

I think I would even be a little offended if Kyle referred to me as his "partner" rather than his boyfriend. In certain circumstances I understand, like in the case of the elderly where you just don't want to have the argument. However, when it's in everyday normal situations, we deserve to be as open as we want to. Straight couples don't refer to each other as their partner, so why should we?

Saying "boyfriend" does not make me somehow less professional.  If anything, it should make me feel empowered. To be able to take over conversation and not show any fear, or to show that I can be me and have a boyfriend. If anyone has a problem with it, they don't have to talk to me.

I should thank my manager for bringing this to the light for me, but I don't want to give him that much credit. Let me know what you all think, should saying partner matter? What is the difference in meaning between the two?

Thanks for reading everyone. Please remember to enjoy what you have and appreciate it. Don't take what you have for granted.

~Be Breezy ~

A New Life.

Hello everyone, the last time I wrote, I was in a very bad place. Actually, the last couple posts I had been in a very bad place; a place that I escape into often. I definetly don't regret writing those posts, as they were written "in the moment" and expressed my truest feelings. Every now and again I even find myself rereading those posts as a reminder of where I am and why I still may feel the way I have been. Now, time has passed and I've decided to take a huge leap in my life. In turn, this doesn't make room for much of an escape route in my mind. Sit down everyone, as this is going to be a bumpy ride.

Everyday, I face the the events that have scared me all my life. For years I had tried to keep my biggest fear, just a fear, but now, it's a reality. This reality is something that I face in my dreams, in my relationship, in my memory, and in my house hold. I knew coming out to my parents was going to be more than just revelation; more than just a weight off my shoulders. . . It was going to be an end of an era and life as I knew it.

My parents are incredibly homophobic. It sucks, but it's true. I've known it for years and I thought I had came to accept it. I remember thinking, "They can either choose to overlook this and stay in my life, or they can choose to deny and fight this and be exiled from my life." I always expected that to be easy. For that matter, I guess I kind of hoped those were just going to be words. I had hoped that my parents would never go that far and would just realize that this isn't a big deal, but so far, they haven't. Day in and day out, this is and problem that we face everytime we look at each other. And now, this is a problem I can no longer handle.

Back in October, or November, I made the decision to move out with my boyfriend. I had decided I can't deal with the stares any more. I could no longer deal with the silence. The lectures. The pointless battles. The constriction. The thoughts. The fear. My anxiety starts here.

For weeks, I couldn't study at home because I couldn't help thinking that everytime I wasn't around, they were talking about me. I would listen close to the voices amongst the walls, patiently waiting for my name to be recited in that tone of disappointment. I would pause to hear what I was going to be lectured about next. To hear what else they didn't like about me. To hear what was next to come my way.

I couldn't take it anymore. Before, I could just leave my house and hang out with my friends and be back later when everyone was too tired, but now that wasn't even an option. My dad once said, "there's no point in being home if you're not comfortable." And that was exactly where I was at. I couldn't be around my parents. Just the aura around them was enough to consume me and eat at me. Even now I feel that aura exuding around, and it is letting me know, I am not welcome.

I always hope that me and my parents would null and void these auras and reconcile our relationship, but that just doesn't seem like it will be a reality. Today, I had one of those moments. I had off from work today and so did he. After class, we were free to hang out together, as we never are for more than 3 hours. Usually, I'd use my excuse of "I have to work today," but today, like some others, I had a ray of hope. Maybe today I didn't have to comoletely lie to my mom. Maybe I could just tell her I'm going to go to dinner with my friends and hang out for a bit beforehand! Fortunately yet unfortunately, my boyfriend brought me back to reality.

About three weeks ago, my mom even gave me trouble going to the movies after work. Granted I was going with my boyfriend, but my best friend (bro) was also going, which I informed her about. She asked me why I hadn't asked my brother, as he sometimes does go with us, and proceeded to end with, "unless you're not really going with bro." Obviously, she doesn't trust me and she still has bad blood from the passed couple months, which I carry with me as well.

What was I thinking? I was going to ruin my chance of hanging out with my boyfriend by telling her one little lie versus the believable lie? That's the hope I'm talking about. The hope where I believe that this is all over and things can go back to a very twisted version of normal. Maybe soon that'd turn into her being okay with me saying boyfriend. But unless we're being naive, chances are, that just won't happen.

I'm always thinking of where we'll end up. the other day, I was in the car with my boyfriend and his mother listening to them talk to his aunt. Cracking jokes with her and reminiscing. It hit me kind of abruptly; I don't have that anymore and I won't have that later. I've heard stories where people have come out and they've lost their relationship with their parents, but it feels much different when it's yours that's gone. I can't just walk into the kitchen and joke with my mom anymore. I won't get to introduce my family to my boyfriend as he introduced me to his. I won't be able to just call up my aunt or cousins and just have a conversation anymore because that thread is gone.

This creates a feeling of anxiety and stress on me that not many will understand, and if you don't already know how I feel about people trying to understand, let me set the record straight. . . I don't like it. Don't try to understand how I feel or relate, because you can't. So you may have an aunt that doesn't accept it. Maybe you have an uncle who turned his back. But you don't have your parents turning their back. You don't have those great memories with them, knowing that they're going to just be memories. You don't know how it feels to be disgusting in your mother and father's eyes and not wanting to be acknowledged more than a fly on the wall, so please. . . Don't try.

Move in day will be a day full of anxiety. For that matter, the week of is going to be filled with anxiety and stress. How will my parents feel about this? Will they pretend not to care and act as if they will be better off without me? Will they act as if they want me to stay? Will they fight me on leaving? Will they still want to keep a relationship with me after I leave? All these questions are ones that haunt me everyday. These are questions that make me nervous for the future.

Now to take a shift in focus, let's talk about my moving out. This is a step in my life that I hadn't intended to happen for at least a couple more years, but sometimes you've just got to take what life gives you and run with it. Although this was not something I had planned to happen for a while, I'm kind of excited that it is happening. To think, in a couple of weeks, I will be getting to decorate my own place and wake up next to the love of my life every morning and get to lie next to him every night when we go to bed. We will take turns cleaning, cooking, maybe washing clothes, etc. Soon, we'll get to do all the things we never got to do in the 10 months that we have been dating that couple would have normally done already. We'll finally get to stay in and watch movies, cook food for each other, sleep together, and shower together. I couldn't think of a better way to live other than with him.

However, this still brings me fear, anxiety, and stress. Along with this exciting adventure brings trials that I have never really had to face before. My parents had already made me pay "rent" since I was a senior in high school, so that's nothing entirely new, but now I will be paying for electricity, cable, car insurance, and groceries. Along with that, I will have to face doing my own laundry and learning how to do it well on my own.

This is a whole new world to me and it is nothing that I take lightly. This is more than just working, but also budgeting and time management. I have to assure that my job is giving me a certain amount of hours a week to afford everything. Along with that, I have to ensure I am providing myself with enough time for my school work. Now, i must take on the responsibility of doing my taxes in my own and filling out fafsa by myself. In this situation, both of them come first.

Moreover, I have to be conscious that I cannot put all my focus on those two attributes. He may not want to admit it, but I have to incorporate attention time to my boyfriend. I have to let him know how handsome he is, everyday. Let him know how much I love him, at least three times a day. Make sure I give him a hug, at least once. Do something wierd to him, constantly. Just make sure he knows that he is a main attribute to my life and that that will never change. No matter how overwhelmed I get, I must always ensure these rules.

Even right now, the anxiety trails through my head, but more in a self worth kind of way. I find it kind of hard to explain this, so I will do the best I can. In this move, I don't have much. I've accepted that most of the stuff I have, can't come with me. It almost makes me feel like an orphan with a box. You have a box full of stuff that you take with you, and that is your only memory of what you ever had.

Sadly, the best way to describe this is through comparison. My boyfriend is moving into our place with his dresser, his desk, his hutch, his car, his chairs, his tvs, and his curtains. In this move, I will be bringing my clothes. Granted, we bought stuff together, using his card.

Being that this is all new to me, I never took interest in buying couches, buying tables, rugs, etc. He took interest in all of this a while ago and was already on it. Everyday, he searched for the best deals and came to me with ideas and I just went to work and said, "I like that." This makes me feel inferior. Not only inferior, but as if I'm not contributing anything except for my side of the payments. Don't let me cut off anything, I feel as though I don't have anything.

I felt inferior because this was not something I took an interest in doing. This was something I should have been doing, too, but wasnt. I felt like I wasn't contributing anything because I never really had anything to bring to the table, and if I did, they weren't really great ideas anyways. Finally, I feel like I don't own anything because I don't. And worst of all, this should lead us to a conversation that neither of us want to have, one I am petrified to have, and if you read between the lines enough, you'll understand.

It all kind of hit me suddenly, but all I will have to my name will be the clothes I wear. Shit, if I'm lucky, I'll get my piano, too, but those will be the only things. I thought of it today while helping clean my boyfriend's car. He liked to do it himself because he takes pride in his own, meanwhile I stood there with the only things I owned.

Since we're moving in together, I shouldn't be thinking in the sense of mines, just ours, but it doesn't seem like something that is that simple to me. Like I said, this is all still brand new to me, and it will take some getting used to. All of it. The lack of ownership. The amount of responsibility. The lack of family. This was all going to be apart of my new life. Even though I'm scared shitless, I'm excited. I'm excited for the adventures that will await me and the trials that surround them. It's time to put my anxiety aside, and get ready to run full force. Ready. Set. Go.

~Be Breezy~