I don't know how structured this will be more how long this will be. I normally have a flow of ideas going, but not this time. I'm going to try something that I don't do very often... Open up.
I never really open up; It's just not who I am. I had been raised to deal with my own problems and learned as I grew up not to complain. But lately, bottling things up just haven't been the answer. So I came here to start. To express how I feel. To admit what I had been denying for years now.
I'm lonely. I'm lonely and it bugs me, a lot. It bugs me so much that... That I can't even compare it to anything. Every waking moment I am sulking in it. I'm bottling up the tears that are desperate to come out because to me it sounds ridiculous. It sounds incredibly selfish and childish to be upset over something like that. Everyday people are starving and are running on E all the time, but that's one of my biggest issues?
Maybe It's because I'd been single for almost my entire life. I'm not okay with that. I'm a very cuddly and loving person, and I never got to express that towards anyone. My first "relationship" was when I was 10 and it lasted almost 9 months. I don't really count that because I was 10 for Christ's sake! I didn't give a rats ass about what we were! We had never even held hands let alone kissed! The most relationship part of that relationship was the fact that we talked on the phone everyday for about an hour, which I did with my regular friends anyways. After that ended, I hadn't really dated anyone else. I might have had two "relationships" after that til now, but they weren't real.
I describe them as "relationships" because it was just junior high school and mainly pity. I was maybe 11 and those girls didn't really like me, nor did I like them. We all had our sites set elsewhere. Granted mines was on my gay music teacher... But none of then were real. They felt bad for me and we were friends before that, so they didn't want to hurt me. So they said yes, only to end in then breaking up with me because "we were better as friends."
I had never dated anyone I really wanted to be with. At that, I had never dated anyone period, which just starts to weigh on a person like me. To look back through the years and see that no one could or would reciprocate the love that I coukdve given is saddening. I've always been told I'd make the perfect boyfriend, but no one ever gave me the chance to be. It makes me feel unwanted.
Everywhere I go I am reminded that I have no one to love me. No one to comfort me when I am sad; no one to call me annoying at times, but they love me anyways; and no one to go out with me. Everytime I go to work, my friends will talk about how they have another date with another guy, yet I'm over here listening, and waiting for my turn to arrive.
I've always been told that my time will come. I know it will. Chances are, I will meet a wonderful guy and get married and have kids and live happily ever after... But that's not what I'm upset about and that is certainly not what bothers me day in and day out. What bothers me is the journey there. The constant lunches by myself. The frequent nights I spend alone. The void of "I love you's" being passed around. Those moments where time seems to stand still and you feel on too of the world. Those days where you are just exhausted and all you want to do is lie down, talk about your day, and relax with the person you love, but none of that can be brought to life because you're still waiting for your time to come.
I wanted to be in love more than anything. It was my main push in my coming out process. I wanted to come out of the closet to be free of the rumors and questions that brought upon embarrassment and stress, but there was a much bigger reason. To find love. To find a guy who would care for me and show it to me everyday. To be able to date and explore my options. To be able to know how to be in a relationship so when I'm 25 looking for a partner, I'll know what I'm doing. But it didn't work out that way...
When I came out, I felt that huge weight get propped up. I felt as though I didn't have to hide and like I could be me. I had that feeling of acceptance without judgement and it felt phenomenal. But after all of that, I felt alone. Isolated. Lost. That huge weight was a lot lighter, but still there. I had no one who was like me. I had no one to get into a "relationship" with. I had eradicated my chance to date anyone, to be in a position where I couldn't date anyone. I felt better knowing I wasn't hurting anyone or wasting some girl's time by dating me, but I was hurting.
I know my time will come and that is the last thing I want to hear. I know my prince is coming as fast as he can, I don't want to hear that either. I know I'm young and have the rest of my life to date and should enjoy my youth! But the truth is, I can't. I wish people would stop telling me all those things. What I really need and want... Is a hug. Just a long warm hug. A hug of reassurance. A hug of hope.
I'm sorry this was such a depressing post, but this was something I had to het out. I always come off as such a happy go lucky guy, but everyone has their dark moments, and this is mine. My name is Kaseem Parsley, and I'm Lonely.
~Be Breezy~
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