Hello everyone, just to inform everyone, this post is mainly going to be me venting. I want to start getting back into my writing and blogging and this will start if I can get my feelings and structure back into this. This will contain information that will pertain to future posts, but nothing that I will probably not reinform you about later. So for now, I'll take a large cookies and cream ice cream, and make it a double cause shit's about to get real.
Have you ever had that feeling of just plain... tired. Thinking back to what you did all day and just getting more and more exhausted as you look back? Tired like a toddler when it is waayy passed their bedtime. That's where I am. The entire week I have been dreading this weekend coming up as if I knew exactly what was coming. I mean, it's not like I'm psychic or anything, so how could I just know that this weekend was going to be soo... ah what's the word I'm thinking of? Umm... oh yeah! Right, umm... Tired.
My week was completely fine! Actually borderline great! Three days off and then some not too shabby days at job number one! I studied all week for my psych exam, did great on the exam, quit my sorry excuse for a step team, and of course, hung out with my amazing boyfriend. I had already dealt with work twice this week, so what could have added up to make things worse?
I guess it would start with my feelings that began and ran through the week. I guess it is kind of my fault; I did say I would stop holding in my feelings, but lately I feel nothing but emotional! I guess I got a little self-conscious with my feelings everywhere that I kind of kept it hidden for everyone else's sake. I didn't want to be that person who is constantly complaining all the time. That one who is always upset and all moody that no one would want to be around, but in actuality, that might just be who I am... but just a bit!
I started feeling these moments of complete stress. I always say that I have no social life jokingly, but to be honest... I have no social life! It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks, I work two jobs AND am a full time student! The only social life I have is with my customers and coworkers, who let's be real, either only care about themselves or don't care at all. I don't get to have much regular conversation or not feel any obligation for a while. And forget about it in college! Nobody really talks to anybody for more than 5 minutes, unless you have something in common. Unfortunately, I don't get many opportunities to meet anyone who I have anything in common with. As a commuter student, I kind of go there and come home. I gave up my only source, which was step, which I totally don't regret because of the circumstances, but that was my only way into my college. A way that is now gone and has left me by myself again.
Aside from that, I just started this second job, and nothing makes a person feel more like an idiot than a new job. My coworker told me that, and every time I work there, I can't help but relive that same experience over and over. This job is something entirely new to me and in a field I have never had to pay much attention to. I'm 17, I have never had to deal with curtain sizing and matching, and different bedsets, and shower heads, etc! I knew one day I would have to learn about them, but not like this. In this position, I just feel like a plain old idiot. Person after person coming at me shooting questions at me and me telling them all, "I'm sorry, I'm new. Just let me grab someone who knows what you're talking about." From there, I just follow along and try to retain as much information as I possibly can! I couldn't feel any more stupid and less than. At some points, customers actually try to school me or look back at me to make sure I'm listening! I'm someone who graduated in the top 15% of his class. Someone who had taken honors classes and excels at everything I do! There is not one thing that I do not put my all into, but this job just makes me feel like my all doesn't mean anything.
This in turn had me feeling upset and tired. At this point, I was even considering quitting a job just to reduce stress and the amount of running around. If I didn't have both jobs, I would have a little more time to hang out with friends, or focus more on my piano, or writing, or the man who deserves it the most, my guy.
On top of that, earlier in the week, I was thinking of my relationship with my mom. The entire story I will leave for another post, but me and mother have not had a legit conversation in about two weeks. Now if you read my previous posts, you know how much my mother means to me and how much this hurts. My mother meant the world to me, she was like one of my best friends. She was the one parent who I could joke with and have a good time with, but now nothing is the same. After what happened, I didn't want anything to do with her.
She hurt me in such a way that I don't think deserved to be forgiven. At least, not as easy as just a simple apology. For almost two months, she had been stressing me out, fighting with me over the same one thing, and I had had it. So now, we don't speak. I don't carry on a conversation with her, or my father, and I keep my distance. I go to school, come home, go to my room. I go to work, come home, and go to my room. Like I said, I keep my distance.
Like I said, if you read my previous posts, you know how much this hurts me. At the beginning of this week, I started having feelings of nostalgia. I missed her. I wanted to laugh at her jokes, be sarcastic with her, and have conversations. But I couldn't do that. If I did that, that would mean that I would be letting her off the hook for what she did. That would make this seem like it was just a phase, and that's the last thing I want her to feel. I'm not a toddler who will just forget about what happened and then run back into your arms like everything is okay. No, I'm a grown man who you've now pissed off, and wants to prove a point.
I want her to realize that what she did is not acceptable, nor am I going to tolerate it. You either accept all of me, or none of me. Don't think you can say your point, shut me down, and then carry on with life! Because now, we're not friends. Now, you've broken that relationship we had, and now you have to either fix it, or let it go.
But that's what scares me. I'm scared she'll let it go. On the inside, I'm dying for her to just come to me and apologize and just want to talk it out. Allow for her to listen to my feelings and try to understand, at least make an effort. I don't want things to be this way. No matter what front I put on, I only want us to be friends again. Everyday it hurts me, knowing that I have to be blunt with her and shun her because she can't accept me? All because of something so stupid. All in all, I miss her.
Combined altogether with the notion of college, everything starts to add up. This weekend, I felt all of that. I woke up and went to job number one and felt like I was there forever to have to come home to the bad aura that surround it, to have to go back to work and feel like an idiot, to come home back to the horrible aura and know that I should probably read and practice my piano pieces. All of that, and then to remember that I have to do that ALL over again tomorrow. It's like a never ending cycle!
All I want to do at this point in time is snuggle into the arms of my incredible boyfriend as he strokes my hair and kisses my cheek... Or do that annoying ball tapping thing he does st the worst times! But just to be in a situation where I don't feel much obligation, and I don't feel like an idiot. Even though there are plenty occasions where I feel like an idiot around him, but none of them conquer the love and (lack of 😜) affection he shows me.
Sometimes I feel like I don't know what to do. I wish I could just be a kid again where my biggest worry was if I ripped my pull ups! *sigh* oh life, you certainly know how to spoil a guy. There's no other easy to explain it other than I'm Just. Plain. Tired.
~Be Breezy~
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