Dear Mom and Dad

I apologize in advance for whatever mess this may turn out to be. I don't really know what I'm writing, I just felt like I was overwhelmed with my feelings and I didn't want to annoy anyone. It hurts to think that I would be annoying someone. I mean after all, they may not say it, but they really are. This is just me putting how I feel out there.

Dear Mom and Dad,
Thank you. Thank you for building me into the person I am today. Throughout all the stories and with my studies now, I'm sure I would've turned out to be an incredibly shy person, but I'm not. I mean, I get scared of bigger groups, but overall I'm not shy. However, that was because of you. Because you guys always pushed me to go talk to someone and made sure I got an answer that I do that today. Whenever my friends or someone is too nervous to ask something, I ask it. I don't care because if it was something I needed, I'm going to get it. I wasn't going to not get it if I had the opportunity to get it.

With this small lesson, I learned to make connections and make it far in what I do. I now have people who recognize me all over the county because I was never afraid to talk. I went out and I met people. I asked then their names, had a conversation, and left a footprint. It baffles me that many of my friends don't act in this same aspect, but I realize that it was because of you. I never would have been able to meet as many people and make as many connections as I have without that lesson, so for that, I thank you.

Dear Mom and Dad,
Thank you for the morals you have provided me with. I admit, back when I was taking those beatings, I was incredibly upset with you, but I realize the reasoning behind them. I find myself joking with my friends how I'd beat my kids with the same mentality. Obviously not physically abuse them, but pop them in the mouth when they say something they shouldn't have and "whoop they ass" if they did something they know they shouldn't have. When you beat me for not going to school, I understand, education is important. When we broke something, you probably told us not to play with something and we did it anyways, so ergo, my bad! When you beat us for attempting to steal some hallmark cards when we were 4, I get it, stealing's not cool! All those experiences made me into who I am today.

Those experiences along with whatever we came across gave me morals. I learned to address people by sir and ma'am and by their last names. I learned how to firmly shake someone's hand and how to be delicate as I shake a woman's hand. I learned how to keep myself presentable and be a strong individual, all throughout living my life by you guys. Those morals make people stop and acknowledge me. People want to get to know me and hear my story because of that mentality. People hold me with utmost respect and nothing less because with those first couple words of proper communication, you'd better match up or you'll look like an asshole. So for that, mom and dad, I thank you.

Dear Mom and Dad,
I thank you for the adventures that you have brought for me to experience. They were some of my favorite memories. I know we didn't always have the money, but you took us anyways and it was always worth it. Adventures like coney island, and universal studios, or MGM studios, and hurricane harbor were experiences that I could never forget. Driving in the race car with Tommy from Rugrats was one of the first memories I had! It's something I will hold near and dear to my heart for the rest of my life.

Or how about our trips to Florida or Myrtle Beach? Those were awesome! Despite the massive amount of sunburn and getting incredibly dark, I wouldn't have rather spent it any other way. Getting to have our own room in Myrtle Beach with my cousins and getting to do our own thing was incredible! Getting henna tattoos and hanging out on the beach and finally going parasailing was a once in a lifetime ordeal, one in which I can say I experienced, and for that, I thank you.

Dear Mom and Dad,
I want to thank you for my independence. All my life I had been doing things on my own, for the most part. I remember crossing the street by myself before I even knew how to spell your first names! One of my friends wasn't allowed to cross the street by himself until we were in middle school! I completely baffled me because of that was something I carried out independently for years at that point in time.

Same goes for most of the other aspects. I had been walking everywhere I needed to go since middle school. Let me just inform the world that I live in the middle of what city folk would call nothing, and we had to hike to get anywhere; it was a fucking journey, but I took myself anywhere I needed to be. I never had to wait on my parents because generally they didn't want to take us anyways, so we would have to depend on our own two legs to get us to and from. That little spark of independence led us to continue doing things on our own without having to ask for my parents help, especially after we got jobs and started driving.

This in turn, reflected in my school work and everything I did. I was always wanting to work by myself. I just found it easier and more convenient. I always knew what I wanted to do and how I was going to do it and I didn't have to argue or explain anything to anyone! With my initiative to do everything and my independence to do it in my own, I became capable of running things without being watched, therefore, being able to run things as a leader. I have run events and been a speaker for certain programs all because of my ability to independently take charge. So for that mom and dad, I thank you.

Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the attitude I may carry at times. I heard a song recently and one of the lines were "I come off a little rude, cause I got everything to lose." A line has never represented me so closely. I honestly feel that way in everything I do, and I get frustrated because I don't have much time so I don't need it to be ruined or wasted. I've got too much going on. Two jobs and school and whatever else comes my way! I don't need any extra frustrations and when I receive them, they completely infuriate me. Another thing I carry with me in everything I do.

Most of all Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm sorry I'm not the son you expected to have or wanted to have. By that, of course I mean a gay one. I wish I could say I wished I wasn't gay so that maybe we would be on better terms. Maybe when I came home, I wouldn't feel this fiery hatred I feel burning inside me every time I hear your voice. Maybe I wouldn't mind being home. Maybe I wouldn't compare being home to being in a prison cell when what's being held captive is who I really am. Maybe I could be the athlete you always wanted me to be; making shots from the foul point line and crossing over every opponent that came my way. Or maybe catching that long pass across the field and darting through the end zone scoring a touchdown. Maybe I wouldn't make you feel like you failed as parents and that I am treading down a horrible path.

I wish I could say that, but I can't. I'd be lying, and if I'd learned anything from watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, it was one mustn't tell lies. Realizing and accepting my homosexuality has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. In this process, I learned to be honest with myself, but not only to be honest, but to love myself. I remember knowing what I was feeling wasn't normal and I would test myself almost everyday with online tests that would tell me if I were gay or not. Whenever the results told me I was gay, which was about half of the time, I remember hating myself for it. I remember playing sad music and sitting downstairs hoping I'd freeze the gay out of me. I had never felt so alone and misunderstood. The only connection I had was with my music teacher who I was too scared to even talk to. But not anymore.

I learned that it was okay to be me. After a while, I became okay with all aspects of me. I remember walking into a forest and this man told me there was nothing being myself. I learned to embrace those stereotypes and flamboyant moments to make me a better and stronger person. I wasn't going to wallow in not being straight. I was going to make being gay work for me. I learned I am who I am, and I can't change it. My dark skin, I was going to have to get accustomed to it because it wasn't going anywhere. My weight, can't do a heck a lot more. My chubby cheeks and big lips, that as well. The fact that I like older, hairer, and chubbier guys, thats right at the top! Most importantly, I learned that we are all unique and beautiful in our own ways.

I learned that not everyone is going to like me, and I'm okay with that. If someone didn't like me, as rare as that was, it generally wasn't because I was gay, and if it was, we probably weren't going to be friends anyways! I learned who were my real friends and who were only around for the good times. Whoever was really my friend wasn't going to change when I came out, and if you acted funny, we weren't going to be friends for too much longer. Not everyone can be my friend; we all have different interests, and that's okay.

In being gay, I found love. My entire life I had been looking for someone to be affectionate with. To hold, kiss, annoy, cuddle, etc. I could never find that in women. I never cared to. I was already never really attracted to them, so I never wanted to do anything else! I began to fall head over heels for guys like never before until I found the love of my life. The way he makes me feel is never one that a girl could make me feel. He is incredible. He can make me smile, cry, angry, laugh, annoyed, and estatic. He is just truly someone who I wouldn't want to bare a thought without.

I'm sorry that I can't give that up. I'm sorry, but I won't give that up. I'm sorry that you don't choose to understand. I'm sorry that this is something you don't want to accept. I'm mainly sorry because that means you are no longer someone I can continue being around.

Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm sorry I learned what true family is. Family is someone who loves and supports you no matter what. Someone who wants to be in your life and accepts your faults. Someone who wants you to be happy and successful above all else. Someone who is not necessarily blood, but they love you as if they were attached by the waist. Someone who would only do things in your best interest. Someone who tries to understand what you're going through and listens.

Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm sorry that means you don't fall into that category. I'm sorry you can't accept me for who I am. Having to create lectures upon lectures with me to tell me I'm wrong for what I'm thinking. You want to change me at any cost. Even If that meant spending money. You would keep me confined in the house under your supervision to make sure I turn out Ike you. You'd take away the person I love most to make sure that I didn't turn out this way.

This does not make me want to keep you around. These attributes are only pushing me away. I understand that you don't accept, but understand that I am happy the way things have been and I will not let anything stand in the way of that. I will not want to keep around someone who is constantly telling me I am wrong and won't even give me a chance. I will not have someone who is going to down talk my relationship for the rest of my life. I will not have someone who is going to bring that around my future kids. Like I said before, I'm sorry I figured out what family really is, and I'm even more sorry to say that so far, that does not include you.

Dear Mom and Dad,
Above all else, I've wanted nothing from your but for you to listen and try to understand. I never said you had to accept it, or really understand, just that you respect the fact that I'm going to lead my life openly and happily, and I'm sorry if that may include writing you guys out of my family tree.

Please won't you just see the error in your ways, Dear Mom and Dad.

~Be Breezy~