I'm Jealous

One of the most annoying things people can say, and my dad always says, is gay people make the choice to be gay. They always say how they don't feel bad for them when they get bullied or treated unfairly because they wished it upon themselves. They asked for it by leading the lives that the bible calls a sin. But it you think about it... That really doesn't make sense.

Now I'm not saying that gay people are necessarily born gay, because I don't have any clue. However, I will say two things: if I made the decision to be gay, I certainly don't remember making it and it must've really stuck because of how hard I've tried to change. Two, why would I chose to be gay if I knew it would lead my life to such danger and despair? Why would I constantly and deliberately chose to live a life where I could be potentially attacked because someone foesnt think It's right? That doesn't even make sense! All those kids who killed themselves because they felt that it was all over for them, why didn't they just change if it was a choice?! If they were getting bullied to the point they felt suicide was their only answer, why didn't they just decide to be straight? Because if that was the case, don't you think they would have done it?

Now this post isn't about whether or not being gay is a choice or if you're born that way. I don't think I could write a post on that because there is just no way to tell for sure. Although I could make a good argument as to why we would be born that way, but frankly, it doesn't matter to me. Who cares?! Why does it matter? What would that change? The person is still gay! Or trans or bisexual! Who are you to tell then otherwise?!

No. This post is about a gay person's jealousy, and not only any gay person's, mine. In one of my previous posts, I wrote about how everything that was bad that happened to me, I blamed on being gay. I'm jealous of the people who don't have to deal with that. All those people who just have accidents, can just call them accidents. There was a time when I used to be a lot worse, but currently, It's still there. Faint, but still there. I crashed my car because I was a gay best friend. If I were straight, I wouldn't have had that problem. I would have told her no and hung out with the guys because I wouldn't have found her attractive and cared.

I'm jealous of the guys who have support from all ends. The people who come out of the closet and get praised from their parents, I'm jealous. I wish I had that! Instead, I get lecture after lecture about why I shouldn't be gay and how it is not the way to live. Instead, I get to worry everyday about getting kicked out of my house because my parents found out that I'm gay. Instead, I get to live a double life that must not intersect. I'm happy for those people who get the support we all crave, but I wish I had it.

I'm jealous of the LGBT people who have the sexiest friends that all share the same trait: their homosexuality. They hang out all the time and post pictures on instagram about how gay they are and how they always have a good time, while I get lectured about how all my friends are girls and they'll take advantage of me. While they get to hang around each other and talk about boys, I'll hang out with my straight friends and be forced to listen to them ogle and fantasize about girls, while they ignore and shut out anything gay. Or I can hang out with my girl friends and be one of the girls and be forced to listen to guy troubles and only their problems. All those guys who have bromances with their gay friends and just have fun. If I had gay bear friends, we could have as much fun as those guys on ny instagram feed have.

I'm jealous of those guys that get to date other hot guys. They get to go to these bear runs and gay clubs and party with all these guys that all want to hook up too and have a good time, while I'm over here working. Instead of getting to cruise guys at the bars or on scruff, I get to pick from the selection of girls I don't want to date! There aren't any gay guys around here that are my age, and if they are, they're not my kind of cute! I don't get that huge selection of people to date from. I am forced to stay single and datwless until I move out on my own.

I'm jealous of those guys that are always in new relationships or even in just one great one. They post all of these adorable pictures of them being such a cute couple, while I am single over here, have never been in a real relationship let alone gone on a date, and cuddle with my teddy bears. Those guys get cute text messages, almost always have someone yo hang out with, and have someone who cares for them. I would kill to have that. To have someone who likes to talk to me. Someone who wants to take pictures with me and play music. Someone who sends me cute little texts that make me smile. Someone who fights with me because we never hang out. Someone who just wants to cuddle up and watch a movie with me. Someone to kiss. Someone to hold me. Just someone.

Lastly, I'm jealous of the straight people. They don't have to fight for their right to love. They're allowed to get married to whoever they want. They're allowed to have the perfect family because they have a mommy and a daddy and biological kids. They get to hold hands in public without worrying if someone finds them disgusting or their love a sin. Us as homosexuals get fight day in and day out for equal treatment by the government. We get to be told our family isn't real or our kids aren't really ours because we didn't have them biologically and we are a family of two dads or two moms. We get to worry about who is going to hurt us because people are cruel and would go as far as violence to tell us our love is wrong.

I'm jealous of straight people because they don't have to worry about being hurt because of who they are. They don't have to go to school because they are teased about how they are disgusting or are a faggot/carpet munched/ butt pirate. They don't have to worry about who leaves them or who will disown them because their way of life is unacceptable. But at least us gays do! We get to hide the part of us that should be the most celebrated. We get to tortured and taught that we're all alone and no one will ever accept us. We get shunned by our parents and closest friends because we're disgusting and only want to get with them. Lastly, we get told hateful things like you deserve this because you chose to be gay.

Just to let it be known, I love my life. No matter how much I may complain or be upset about it, I love who I am and the life I have lived and I wouldn't change it. I am also happy for all those people who exhibit all those traits and factors that I wished I had. I don't in any way wish they didn't have them. They worked hard and lived their own suffering to get where they are. Although I love my life, I do wish I had some of those traits and factors. It'd make me a lot happier in these moments.

I also didn't intend for it to be a post about how gay people would be born gay rather than they chose to be gay, but you see how that works. Why would we chose to be gay when everything I just said I'm jealous of other people about, we experience EVERYDAY. Like I said, it just doesn't make sense.

Thanks to everyone who read this post. I hope everyone has a great day!

~Be Breezy!~

Going Away...

I'm sorry guys, I'm going to go away for a while. I just have too much on my plate, too much to handle, and too much going on. I'm sorry to leave you guys like this, but.. umm.. JUST KIDDING! I would never! At least not for a while... Take a seat and listen to what this bear cub has to tell society!

Now, I'm not virtually going away, but I am physically. Whilst picking out colleges, I made sure the colleges in my decisions were away from home... Far away. So why am I telling you this? What does this have to do about being gay? Well my little fags and hags, this is also just a rough draft to what I might write into my essay for another college, but also to collect my ideas as to why I want to leave, and being gay has a lot to do with it...

So the schools I mainly wanted to go to were West Virginia University, Boston University, and North Carolina State University. All equally as far away from home. Why so far? I needed to find myself. I needed to explore and see what was out there in the world and see that I can handle it on my own. It gives me the chance to be independent. It gives me the opportunity to make every decision on my own and without anyone's supervision. It gives me leeway to grow up.

My brother started college close to home. He goes to college one exit away from us, therefore, he also stays home. This keeps him under my parent's watch and under their thumbs. While staying home for college, he doesn't get the same opportunities as I will. He won't get to explore much, he's lived here for the past 11 years! He won't get the chance to make executive decisions for himself because he'll have to pass through the whole, "you love under my roof, so you'll have to follow my rules!" Statement, which just ruins everything. He can't do much without our parents breathing down his neck.

But if I go away, if I wanted to try something, I could do it. If I wanted to stay out late, I could do it. If I wanted to sleep over a friend's house or even have a boy over, I could do that. If I wanted to explore the town at all hours of the night, I could do that! And if I want to pierce my ear, I could do that too! And who would I have to go through? No one. I'll be my own parent. Making decisions for myself.

Now comes the real reason.. I must go away to find myself. Finding yourself as a person is the hardest thing for anyone to do and it sometimes it takes people more than four years of college to figure out who they are. But the only way you'll find who you are as a person, is to go out and experience things. You'll never find out that you like skydiving of you stay at home listening to mommy and daddy tell you thats too dangerous. And never mind that, you'll never know you like skydiving if you don't go somewhere to try it!!!

College is more than just learning about what you want to do for the rest of your life. It's about finding what's best for you on your own. Your parents will want you to be the best that you can be, but what if their opinion of the best, isn't what you want? Then you have to break away from them and find out what is the best. And that's what I'll have to do.

My parents think they know everything, but they don't. They are ignorant. I hate to say it, but It's true. I can't be me or make experiences out of that. I have to find my own answers to everything and break down my own ignorances, which I can only do by going out and seeking out everything that I need to shape me as a better person.

Along with finding myself comes being gay. I can find a community who will accept me. I won't have to worry about my parents meeting this person or how they feel about this guy, because they won't have a say. I can go make friends who understand my feelings and can talk me through them. Make brocubs and bromances. I can go to the bear events and make friends and have the possy of gays that I've always wanted. I could meet and date great guys or girls and not worry about who sees me.

I can completely recreate myself. I can kiss a girl without contradiction. I could eat cheese without everyone questioning. I could wear bunches of colors and wonder if that is still me. I'll be in a completely different crowd and different world that doesn't know Kaseem Parsley, and I'll have to show them who I am according to my own independent choices that I'll make.

My parents seem to be the main reason I need to get away. That and the area. I just need somewhere to explore and not be questioned about the things that I do while exploring. I don't need to have someone telling me what I can and can't do and what is and isn't right. And I don't need repetition and familiar views. I need spontaneity and variety. I need freedom and understanding. I need to go away.

So now that I've written this out, I still don't really know if I might write this for my essay. I'll read it to a couple people and see what they think. Thanks for listening and reading. Feel free to comment your college experiences and what you did and didn't like about going away to college. This cub is going to relax for the rest of the day away from school and work and and hope tomorrow isn't too bad. Everyone have a good night and explore something!

~Be Breezy!~

The Public's Right To Know

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in a while, been super busy. But I have been thinking about what to write and what to say. So I haven't left everyone completely hanging. So here is today's post!

Back in my sophomore year in high school, I was in a GSA. In this group, we were making a project and teacher's names were thrown around to help us. I might have asked if there were any gay teachers, but one of the guidance counselors came up. The advisor of our club admitted to us that he was gay. I couldn't believe it, I was truelly astonished. But I couldn't believe it. I still had some misconceptions and stereotypes about being gay that I held with me and couldn't match any with him.

Later on that year, I heard rumors going around that he really was gay. I still couldn't believe it. So I asked him if he was married, which he replied, no I am not married. So again, I stood there in astonishment.

Once I had actually considered in my head that he was gay, I thought so much more of him. Not in a sexual way, but in a fascinated way. I wanted to know so much about him and his story, but I knew he wouldn't talk about it. At that point, I had been left with the idea of him being gay and never a sure answer. So I kind of forgot about it, but everytime I seen him since that year, it always crossed my mind.

I was at a point in my life where I felt like I needed a feeling of understanding, but I couldn't find the type of understanding I wanted from kids, I needed it from people of experience. I wanted to hear those coming out stories that I had watched all night sometimes in person. I wanted to hear that it was going to be ok from someone who actually knew. Someone who had been through it. Someone who knew exactly what I needed.

So a couple of weeks ago, a friend and I were hanging out after school and he came up. My friends said she had seen him with his boyfriend at a restaurant and they were holding hands. At this point I was pissed. Why? Because maybe a couple days before that, I told him about me.

I was in the office just killing time and hanging out as I normally do, and he happened to have had free time which he spent talking to me. Now, this man is not my guidance counselor. I had only known him because he introduced himself to me freshman year to tell me how phenomibal I was as a person. But anyways, we were just talking about our summers and what we did and just random conversation. After a bit of rambling, I brought up how I was planning to move out and why. Like I said, I came out to him, but in more words than it could have been said in. I didn't come straight out with it, I insinuated it; but any person with a brain could figure out what the hell I was talking about!

So when my friend had told me that he was gay, I was a little angry. I had pretty much laid my entire situation out to him and he couldn't tell me anything. I understand coming out is a hard process and a personal one, but if you know what that process is like, why wouldn't you try and help another coming out soul?

Only one part of me is a little peeved. The other part of me understands. If he is gay, maybe he isn't in a place where he feels he could come out and help anyone. But at the same time, I feel like if you're gay, you have a responsibility to help gay youth understand themselves or help guide them, or if you are in the same place, at least let each other know that you are not alone.

For years I had been looking for someone to relate to. Someone who had been in my position and could just give me a hug and let me know everything was going to be alright. All the weird conversations and weird feelings, they won't be there anymore. Even if they do happen to appear, they won't hurt as much because they aren't as strong as they used to be. That love was going to be knocking on my door. That my family wouldn't leave or react to badly. That I would meet many people like me that I could connect me.

This is an argument a lot of gay people have towards celebrities. One of whom was Anderson Cooper. Everyone knew for years that he was gay, but didn't have assurance and therefore, a lot of stereotypes hadn't been broken. A lot of those years, there were fights and campaigns he could've been helping fight and push, but didn't. It almost made it seem like he was ashamed of being gay. Him and all the other gay celebrities like Jodie Foster and Jane Lynch. Is that the message that you really want to send to gay youth? That your job is more important than who you are and what you stand for? That you should have to hide who you are because your job place isn't accepting of it? Yes, you will have to give some things up for work, but in a public position, you should want to help. Your coming out could stop that child who had been pushed to his last nerve and ready to jump realize that he is not alone. You could give that kid who felt like he couldn't make it as a reporter or a basketball player or a football player so he decided to give up on everything, the hope that he had been looking for.

Me, being who I am, decided to come out sophomore year. Not only because I was tired of hiding and wanted to find someone, but also to help tear down some of these misconceptions and stereotypes about being gay that everyone thought was true. I am gay and black. A lot of people expected me to be feminine, dress in women's clothing, wear make up, etc. But since I came out, a lot of people who thought that had their view broadened. Why wouldn't anyone want to help with that? It's not hard. All you have to do is speak up.

All I had to was admit who I was to people and then be myself. That's all you have to do sometimes. Sometimes, It's just giving a hug to help people. In this case, all you had to do was be honest. I asked him in the hallway one day in passing, but didn't come straight out with it and he told me he wasn't, but he knew people that were.

I felt horrible because if he wasn't, then I had been having all these mean thoughts and stuff about him for no reason and he had been doing exactly what I wanted, to be honest. But if he was lying, I feel bad because I made him worry about if he was doing a good job of hiding. I wanted to apologize, but I couldn't get up the courage.. I might have pushed his coming out further back than what it wad going to be. All because I was being selfish.

I had wanted help on who I was and wanted someone to relate to me, but I was so frustrated that I hadn't considered the fact that he was in the closet. I know what that's like, to try and fit in, but being seen right through as if you were a diary being hidden behind a window. To try and be something you're not and have it knocked right down.

But I still think in that circumstance, he could have admitted it because I had already admitted it to him that I was gay, so I could've related to him too. But what do you think? Should a person in the public eye have a responsibility to come out? Why and why not? I'd really like to know and all questions  and responses are welcome.

I hope everyone is having a great thanksgiving break and has happy holidays. Hopefully I could get another post out before Christmas. Right now this cub is off to work. Hope everyone is well! Take care!

~Be Breezy!~

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

I'm sick of being here I can't take it anymore! I feel like I'm wasting my time. Nothing here seems important. I could be out working or meeting new people or even working on music! I could be doing something productive to help get me closer to figuring out my future. What am I talking about? What Is this hell hole I speak of? I call it jail, but most others refer to it as high school.

I'm in my senior year of high school and I'm just done with it! There's nothing really going on. We're bot really doing anything where It's like we can't graduate or anything, so I guess that's what makes it seem like nothing. I'm not even there for long. I have to get up WAY too early to just go for two chore classes and two Bullshit classes. I probably wouldn't feel as bad about it if I had classes that I took a lot of interest in. In my previous years, I've taken all the music classes and now all I'm left with is piano which I've had three times. I would just like to leave and figure what I want to do for the rest of my life and be on my way!

Maybe if I had some people to really interact with, but I don't. Now I'm a big people person and can make friends anywhere, anyhow. The problem comes forth where I feel I can't connect with everyone. I like to be crazy and wild, but yet very mature and steady. I like to make dark jokes that go waayyy too far, but like civilized mature conversation. This explains why most of my friends lately have been older, I just connect with them better. They aren't caught up with kiddy drama or anything, just talk.

Most of the kids nowadays are so caught up in being ghetto and loud and other stupid shit. Otherwise, they are uppity and I just don't relate to them. Outside of school, I have a wider variety of people to talk to and meet, while in school, I'm stuck with what I got for 180 days...

I think if I had that group of friends I could connect and hang with, it wouldn't be so bad. I lost that group of friends when I became a junior and later a senior. All of my friends moved on to college and/or are doing their own thing. Meanwhile, I'm stuck here with the group of people I never really connected with and forced to deal with it. Now I'm stuck with all the annoying, immature athletes in my class and the whiney, uppity girls that surround them.

But that'd what I've got for now. I've just got to keep trucking until June and then I'm out of here! Thanks for reading and sorry this wasn't really a gay oriented post. The next one definetly will be. How everyone had a great day!

Coming Out

Today is a very special day. A day we as the LGBT community come together to celebrate a wonderful time in each other's lives. A very wonderful and personal point in time for us all. This day we pay tribute to on October 11 is called National coming out day.

A lot of straight people think this is kind of irrelevent, but they don't understand the importance of coming out. Coming out for anyone is a huge point in a person's life. It is a point in life where a person finds the courage to accept themselves for who they are and let the world know who they are. For LGBT people, this may include coming out as transgender, bisexual, lesbian, or in my case, gay. But coming out comes in different forms. For some people they may come out as a furry, or a gleek, or even an anime geek. Either way, acceptance is the key.

Another thing about coming out, It's something that never ends. We as different people are ALWAYS coming out. Most people will never know certain things about a person unless someone comes out and tells them. I am one of those people who breaks stereotypes pretty well, so with that, I'm constantly having to come out and tell people I'm gay. And of course with that comes with the second coming out as a gay cub. But just because people come out all the time doesn't make it any easier.

Coming out is never easy. Especially the first couple of times. My first time coming out was terrifying. I remember my heart racing and my head going light, and I didn't even do it in person! The first person I told was this butch lesbian who was soo sure I was gay, but I came out to her as bisexual. We weren't close or anything, I guess I just felt like she really couldn't overreact to me because me and her really weren't very different. But after her brought upon the coming out to one of my closest friends. Again, very terrified and hesitant, and still not even in person. I couldn't even get up the courage to do it over instant messaging, I did it through a MySpace email. My heart was racing all the way until he called me later that day and he said he didn't really care. From there, it didn't get much easier.

Sometimes people feel coming out is a lot easier after the first time. That wasn't entirely true for me... I came out to some of my closest friends as bisexual, which wasn't really the truth. It took me until my sophomore year in high school to gain up the courage to ever try coming out again. My next coming out was in a GSA where I was completely choked up and damn near ashamed to say it in front of people who barely knew me and were in the same situation!

From there came the last time I was ever scared of coming out, which was when I decided to come out in school. In this case, I was completely full of anxiety because I knew what I was going to do, just how when was I going to do it? I first told my activity bus driver and we talked for a while about it and I got a little more comfortable and then the next day I ended up just blurting it out at the end of class and everyone accepted it and moved on.

I cherish my coming out and am very proud of it. As should everyone else, which is why I put so much feeling into this day. This is our day to appreciate and reflect on these memories and share our stories in pride and victory. I hope this tradition continues and everyone celebrates the true meaning of coming out. Happy national coming out day and thanks for reading! Feel free to share your stories or kik me or instagram me. Have a great night everyone!

~Be Breezy~

How come he don't want me man...

Today's episode of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air actually really touched me this morning. Actually made me cry. I found it super ironic that that episode would come on today and it has never felt as powerful as it did today. I've seen it a thousand times and even knew the next part, but it still got me choked up.

The episode that was playing was the episode where his father comes back into Will's life and asks to be apart of it. Although I claim to hate my father on moalst occasions and  we don't really have a great, or even ok, relationship, I know who he is and he is here in my life. Most people don't have that. My sister never really had that, my cousin never really had that, and some of my closest friends never had that. Some were lucky enough to have a memory of who their dad was; some don't. Some are left wondering who or what their father was and the only knowledge of them they have is whatever bad comments the family makes about him. Most if not all of these deprived people are always left wondering: Why did he leave? When will he be back? Did I do something? Why doesn't he want me? And that was the part that hit me hard.

Ironically, today is my dad's birthday. And even more ironically, he's not here. But that's because him and my mom left for vacation. But this episode reminded me of how things might go when I come out to him. I actually felt the pain that some of these kids go through for a moment and it all just got to me. My dad has said since day one that if we were grown up to make the decision to be gay, then you were grown up to be on your own. He might even just walk out of my life forever. Not wanting to see me over holidays or my kids.

This is just something I can't understand. I ask myself "how could anyone just pack up and leave like that?" I think about it being related to adoption. When in a bad position, you want to give your kids a better life, so you try to give them away to a good family. But that's not what these people are doing. And I say these people because women do it too. These people are leaving their kid behind with one parent. Almost COMPLETELY making it harder for the child to have a good life. With two of them, they had two salaries or so. Now there's one, if that.

I saw Shark Tale again yesterday for the first time in a while. It hit me that Lenny, the vegetarian dolphin dressing shark, was gay. You had to read between the lines a little bit. It first hit me when he was laying on Oscar's(Will Smith) bed and essentially coming out to him. Lenny tells Oscar how he's never told anyone this, but he is a vegetarian. And it immediately all started coming together. How Lenny was scared to tell him because of ridicule, how he was scared to tell his dad because of fear of rejection, how he had a pretty flamboyant voice and acted a little flamboyant, and the clothing. It all just pointed to him being gay. At the end, he ends up telling his dad that he's a vegetarian and how he enjoys dressing like a dolphin and Oscar sticks up for him telling his dad that he should accept his son for who he is instead of trying to turn him into something he's not. And the father accepts him.

I actually thought about showing the movie to my dad in reference to that. I can't help but think why anyone would just leave someone's life just because of that small part of themselves. So I'm gay... So what? I'm also an entertainer, fashionista, hard worker, intelligent, etc. But you choose to focus on the part of me that really has nothing to do with you? You'd really disown me because the person I choose to marry might be a man? How shallow do you sound?

Like I said, me and my dad were never really close anyways, so if he chooses to walk out, I won't chase him. But will it hurt, yeah. Knowing he couldn't accept that little piece of me, sure. It'll hurt for a while. But it'll hurt him too. He'll have to go in through his life as one of those people who left his kids, but he'll be the kind that did it because of me. I won't ever have to wonder why he left either, which will provide me with closure.

Thanks for reading everyone. Big thumbs up to those parents who stuck it out for their kids through the hard times! Let us all remember to just love each other for who we are and never try to change anyone because you don't like a certain part of them. I hope everyone has a great day!

~be breezy~

Tired of hiding

I'm sick of it. I don't know how much longer I'm going to last. I'm done being left behind. I'm done not having anyone. I'm done with the lonely nights and the textless phone. I'm done hiding tracks and the lies I hold.

Lately, I've been finding it harder and harder to hide the fact that I'm gay to my parents. This all probably started a little while ago back when I was picking out clothes. My mom was criticizing what I wear and said, "you know who wears tight clothing? Gay people." And my response? I don't care.

Normally, when it came to anything gay, I would deny deny deny. Now, it seems I am being more open with my thoughts and I couldn't care less about if they found something or heard something. Before, I would hide my suspenders and rainbow bandana in my backpack and carry it around with me to ensure that my parents wouldn't stumble upon it, but now, it sits in my piano bench. Where anyone can easily open and find it. I think about leaving my gay items around for them to find and not even be worried. But I know that also isn't good.

It's good that I'm mentally and emotionally ready to come out, but I'm not economically ready. I have to remember that I put my entire future at risk by coming out. If I slip up, my parents might kick me out. And then It's all over. I will have no way to really get to work, no shelter, and potentially no future.
I always think about it though. If I left something laying around for them to find and they call me upstairs into their room and we talk about it. I tell them my two cents and we move on. If I were to get kicked out, I could take buses to get to work, stay at a couple of my friends houses, save money and be ready for what the world brings next. I could do it. It is possible, but would that be the best thing to do?

I just can't help it. I'm sick of waiting. Sick of lying. I hate having to come up with a lie as to why I want to go to the library. Why I want to go to ESU. Where I wanna go on Friday night's. I hate having to hide the things that give me pride. My suspenders, rainbow bandana, pamphlets, books, websites, blogs, and videos. Lastly, I hate having to hide who I am. Gay geek. Flamboyant. Cub. Bear lover. Gay pride enthusiast. Gay best friend. Boyfriend.

The main thing is, I want to go out and meet someone! I wanna go to twist on a Friday night and meet a guy and chat and flirt. Have a great time and dance and exchange phone numbers. Text each other the next day to see what's up and when we can get together and move on from there. But while being in the closet, I can't really get there. I have to come up with a legit lie as to where I'm going, when I'll be back, why so late, how I'll get there, and what happened.

I'm just sick of being alone and this closet door isn't helping. I wanna go explore who I am, but I keep running into this annoying ass door! I don't know how much longer I'll last, hopefully I don't snap myself into a bad situation. I just can't help it anymore...

Everything is gay

So I'm in target right now and I was just browsing around and I walk upon the book section. I had been telling myself for a while that I wanted to get myself into more reading. It just seems distinguishing, fun, and relaxing. But if I were to start reading, it would have to be something I'm interested in. Only one thing comes to mind... A little while ago I was searching for books to read and again, only one thing of interest came to mind.

A little while ago I wrote a post called Why is it always the gay where I explained how everything bad that happens to me I happen to blame on being gay. I think I found a little bit of an answer to that. I think It's more than just I'm blaming my bad luck on my homosexuality, the only thing I'm really interested in is homosexuality! Everywhere I go, that is the main thing on my mind. It's almost like I have an obsession with it.

I don't know what it is about being gay. I am just so fathomized by it. The stories on how people figured out who they were. The rejections, the acceptions, the coming process in general! It's one thing that I am attracted to guys and all I can think about is guys, but I feel the need to involve it in my everyday life. The people I watched on YouTube when I was first coming out used to say being gay is just a little piece of you. It is not everything about you. For me It's the opposite! It's a huge part of me! Shapes my character, who I wanna be around, who wants to be around me, my thought process, and my social conversation.

I try not to talk about it a lot because I know a lot of other people don't care nor do they wanna hear about it, but truth is, I love talking about it! I love writing, learning, and reading anything that has to do with it! Not even a lot of gay people like talking about it that much. They feel it is just a little piece that they just glide on over. But me, It's more than just that. It is a huge part of my interests. Like I said, it shapes who I am as a person right now.

Is this a problem? I guess the answer's yes and no. Everyone has their obsession and mines happens to be my sexuality. But I can't let it be everything about me because that's how you turn people away. If some people don't want to hear it, I just have to respect that and move on. But it is an interest of mine and it's fine that I like to read and learn about it! It shows passion and drive! This could even be a sign of me brig a future activist! Who knows?!

Anyways, thanks for reading. Just thought I'd post a thought while I wad waiting for my shift to start and meanwhile it did kill a little time, I still got another 51 minutes... Shoot me..

Pride

Pride. The feeling of pleasure in one's own achievements. To feel proud of one's self. Today, I am missing the pride parade in New York City. While everyone one is out partaking in this celebration of who they are, I am staying home in the closet baby sitting and working. It really upsets me to be missing this celebration because we have even more to celebrate! The Defense of Marriage Act was named unconstitutional and marriage equality is now brought into California. So not only do we get the chance to celebrate who we are, we get to celebrate another step closer to true equality. But going to pride is a lot more than just a celebration to me. For me, it goes much deeper than that.

I am closeted at home. So I have no way of really being who I am. I can't walk around with rainbows on and throw myself out very flamboyantly. I can't scream out "I'm gay" and feel happy. I won't have that feeling of safety amongst my gay community. I won't have that feeling of community around me.

At the parade, I could hang out with my cousins and rejoice in celebration. I could wear my rainbow suspenders and bandana with pride. I can kiss another guy in pure happiness without having to fear anything. I can dance to all the music that's playing. I could feel safe amongst my gay family. I could mingle amongst more gay people and make some longtime friends.

For me, pride is an opportunity to be as flamboyant as I want and wear as many rainbows as I can without feeling self conscious. It is a place to feel like I belong somewhere. Out here, I don't have that feeling. I don't have many gay friends and I don't like wearing my rainbows all the time because I feel as though I'm throwing it out there. Pride is my opportunity to be proud if who I am, which isn't always easy to do.

I just recently started being able to admit that I like bears. Before, I thought it was something i had to hide. I was ashamed of it. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone because I wasn't ok with it... But now I have started taking pride into that part of me. I have learned that it was ok to like other bears and that there are others like me. This is something to celebrate. The ability to feel happy about who I am.

Over all, I hope everyone has a great time at the pride parade. I wish I could take part in the celebration, but things just didn't seem to work out in that way. Thanks for reading! Happy pride!

Feeling defeated...

This is gonna be another internal post. Probably not too long because I don't really know what everything is until I get it all out. I hate expressing myself generally because it feels like complaining. There are so many people out in the world that are doing better than me. I have a pool, a big house, air hockey, my own room, a piano, a smart phone, etc., and I have the nerve to complain? But that's also why I started this blog. To get my feelings out there instead of always bottling everything inside and creating more destruction in my mind and hopefully not, my heart. So onwards!

These types of mornings pass me by every once in a while. Those mornings of just defeat. Where you feel like nothing has been going right or anything you want to happen is happening. Then you look for things that have gone wrong and let them weigh on you. It might be just me, I doubt it though. I feel a little spoiled when thinking about it actually. Throwing a tantrum because I'm not getting my way. But what's causing this defeat?

I couldn't sleep last night because I was so tired and sore that I kept twisting and turning. Then on top of that, I kept craving cashews. So no sleep. Then I bought my mother flowers last night. Just to tell her I loved her. What happens? She isn't coming home today. So now the flowers might not look as good by the time she sees them. Next, my mom gives us a coupon for the China buffet and I wanna go out to eat. The bros can't/ font feel like going. Everytime I try to make plans, they never work out because of that, but when everybody else wants to make plans, I'ma dick or It's my fault if I don't follow through. Same with six flags, I'm the only one tryna make these plans telling everyone to take off and they got a billion and one things. Next, there's nothing for breakfast. I planned on eating a steak sandwich, but there was only enough bread to make one.

With all that stuff going on, the only thing that comes to mind is, nothing is going right. Along with the terrible morning, I'm reminded that it is pride weekend and I can't go. I have to stay home and work... Closeted. I can't wear my rainbow bandana or suspenders or even buy ne a new pair. All over Instagram people are celebrating who they are and I can't. If nothing could go right this morning, why couldn't I at least be able to go to that?

It's also P-town this weekend. And all I'm gonna see is the big bear gatherings on instagram. How I missed out on all the insta meet and greets. How I don't get to party and drink. How I missed out on creating a bromance or brocubs or even a husbear.

On top of that, I'm reminded that I'm single. That I'm lonely. My bros have their girlfriends this weekend. They can kiss and act all lovely dovey and text all day while I sit in lonely despair. I have no cuddle buddy this weekend or anybody to share my happiness in the end of doma. Everyone else has got plans except me. Everyone's got somebody... Except me.

So now I get to eat my breakfast all alone, while watching digimon and get ready for another shift at work when I could be preparing for pride or even a good dinner tonight. Sorry for the story of defeat this morning everyone. I hope at least you're having a good weekend. Thanks for reading. Happy pride everyone!

~Be Breezy~

Cub Vs. Guy Talk

You know that conversation that you have with your group of friends about how she looks cute? Or in girls' cases, he looks cute. Or how your friends talk about how they'd like to fuck this person in this position and run your toungue all over. That's what I'm talking about. Now, I'm calling it guy talk because I'm a guy and my issue mainly deals with guys. Not to say that females don't do this, because they probably do, I'm just more familiar with my bros doing it.

Every guy does this. They get comfortable and get raunchy. Which is fine! We all have sex, it ain't nothin to hide! We all masturbate; again, nothing to hide! And guys have thrown away their shame behind these mannerisms and just decide to be open about them. When he says how he'd like to fuck her in that hole with his finger here, he knows someone else was gonna say it anyways or they were gonna say it about somebody else.

My issue with this is when It's my turn. I have a lot of guy friends, most of which are straight. I don't mind you guy talking with me! Shit, I'll probably gas it up and join in! But when I start guy talking, I expect the same! I hate how I'm generous enough to listen and tag along in your guy talk and you dismiss mines! What, I can't be open about my sex life? Or lack of...

In this gay-themed movie called "Weekend", one of the main characters brings this up. He says how people are ignorant about what we do because we don't talk about it. And if they (straight people) get to be open about their sex, why can't we?! That's society's way of oppressing us. So with that, we should be open about our sex!

Now, I'm not too comfortable talking about me getting fucked or fucking him or anything like that, but I expect guys to be ready to listen ad I've listened to them. Just like one of my friends. He loves to talk about how he talks to all these girls and he never once asks me about how I am with guys. He never even considers it, and when I'm ready to talk about it, he has nothing to contribute to conversation! I understand that he is not too accepting about guys dating guys, but It's called being considerate. If I have to listen to you go in about girls, then you have to listen to me go on about guys!

This is kind of a short post, but It's ok. Feel free to add in your thoughts in the comments. Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has an awesome pride weekend!

Cub Vs. Religion

Ok, so this is a hard thing to challenge. I'm going to piss some people off, but hey, this is my blog right?! Why is religion so hard to challenge? Because it is something that cannot be proven. Religion is something that is solely internal. Nothing is based off of fact. This is especially challenging for me because of this. I am one of those people where I need to see it to believe it. Sometimes... It was one thing as a kid and believing in stuff, but I grew out of that. But something that just popped into my head contradicted that statement.

When I was a kid, I remember watching The Santa Clause with Tim Allen. In this movie, Charlie says something to him that just struck me: "Have you ever seen a million bucks? Tim: "No." Charlie: "Just because you haven't seen it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist!" Which brings me back to my initial point of, it just can't be proven.

Another thing that makes this hard to challenge is the comprehension. The bible/Torah etc. Are all so hard to understand! You may understand it in one way, and it turns out to mean something completely different! Someone just posted on my instagram about how in the bible it says Leviticus 20:6 A man shall not lie with another man or he shall be stoned. That could be comprehended to mean gays must be high! I joke, but I'm also serious. People take things into different perspectives. Which is religion is a topic best to be left alone.

My problem with religion? Personally, me and religion never got along. It always seemed to keep people in fear and stop them from doing or thinking things they would normally do/think. I have friends for example who are very religious. They would not marry someone outside of their religion. Now, I an in no way saying there is anything wrong with that, but to me it seems utterly ridiculous! Just because she/he doesn't believe in your God she is somehow not worthy of your love? If there was no such thing as religion, then she would have an equal opportunity! Also, one of these friends said he felt bad about the sexual thoughts he had been having towards girls. Because (now I don't know the true line, but I'm paraphrasing) he shall not be lead by temptation. That's fucking ridiculous! Everyone has sexual thoughts! To deny those thoughts because someone who may or may not be real said that isn't right?! That sounds like your being more of a follower.

Which brings me to my next problem with religion. I am no follower. So I refuse to live my life according to some "higher being" and he may not be right or real. Who is he/she to tell me that I can't have sex before marriage? Who is he/she to tell me that I may not lie with another man?! I am my own person and I lead my life. I do not follow anyone. ESPECIALLY if he/she has no proof of it being wrong or anyone has any proof of this person being real.

So these problems I have with religion already put me on a bias about it. But even without those biases, it still has no place to be brought into a political argument. Why? Because it can NOT be proven. When people bring up God in a debate about homosexuality and say that he said that it is a sin, I want to burst out into a rant! Much like this... Because, how do you know he said that? Oh, because some man INSPIRED by this man wrote it down? Over 5 or so milleniums ago when there was no real written language and it was converted into a bunch of different languages where they don't necessarily have the same meaning? Oh... Ok. That makes perfect sense.

Fuck that! I am supposed to lead by that?! Not even by a man who MET this "God" and heard him preach that being gay was a sin?! And even if he heard this "God" preach that, who's to say he was right?! But for the sake of argument, let's say this happened. Who's to say that that's what he really said?! The written word has been changed so many times through language conversion and word of mouth that it could've said anything! And it was so long ago, how do you know if he really meant homosexuality in the general sense it means today?! It could have meant something completely different! It was so long ago, homosexuality probably wasn't even thought of, never mind it being thought of as being a problem! And the fact that people would still rather follow that than go for what America truelly stands for completely astounds me.

And that's what truelly eats at me and stops me from really liking religion. Because people are so quick to believe some dusty old book of stories rather than believe what's right in front of them: LOVE. Some people will quickly forget that we stand for a country of EQUAL opportunities. My main rights are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Not life under God, liberty if God said it was ok, and God's view of happiness. Why stop me from my GOD GIVEN rights as a human being because of something that cannot be proven? But I bet you I can prove that man kneeling down on one knee proposing to the man in front of him, loves him. I bet you I can prove that lesbian couple promising to stay together in sickness and in health, truelly love each other. You know what's great proof of that? The fight. The fight we have endured. We have lost countless family members, friends, work opportunities, etc. All because we were fighting for the right to love. If this was just a phase, why keep fighting? You can't prove to me that he didn't intend for us to win these fights. Because as you guys love to say, "God doesn't make mistakes."

Thanks for listening everyone. I hope I didn't piss off anyone too bad. My only goal was to open people's eyes, but by all means, fight me on it. But unless your God comes down to my face and proves he's real, your wrong. Until then, we'll keep winning battles of love. And if there really is a God, you know how I know he is ok with this? Because of our victory just the other day with marriage equality in California and the destruction of DOMA. There's your proof.

Like Father, different son?

Ok, there have been a couple of signs telling me I had to write about my dad. This morning and this afternoon, I just so happened to have caught to episodes of Law and Order: SVU. Coincidentally, both episodes had to do with disapproving attitudes from fathers to their homosexual sons. What are the odds that both the episodes pertained to an incident that happened about a day or two ago?

What was the incident you ask? Well everyone, gather round, cause It's story time! My friend, whom I consider my brother and refer to as bro, asked me to sleep over his house so we could watch cartoons. Now mind you, he is straight and has a girlfriend, plus he.lives down the street. I sleep over his house all the time, and his parents love it! They insist that me and my brother sleep over. His parents are going through a horrible divorce and us being around helps calm the tensions a little, that and help take my bro away from it all. Along with me sleeping over, he sleeps over here all the time! The problem occurred when my dad was in the process of saying no.

I wasn't thinking about what I was saying because he had already said no and therefore, I shut him out, but he asks "where do you sleep." And I said either on the couch, the floor, or on the bed with him. This set my father on a rant. Like I said, I hadn't thought of my answer. He went on and on about how I shouldn't be doing that and how It's wrong and more Bullshit. Which led to, I can't ever sleep over there again.

Obviously, My dad is VERY homophobic. He told me and my brother from day one that he doesn't condone "homosexual behavior" practice in his house. If we were old enough to make that "decision" to be gay, we were old enough to live in your own and therefore, get out. My sister thinks he would even go as far as to kill me. And the way he reacts to it, I am starting to see it myself.

How do I feel about this? Actually, I don't care to a certain degree. I care about what he says and I get pissed off, but to know that he may walk out of my life based on that one factor... I couldn't utter a flying fuck. Me and my dad have never been close. I have never had a heart to heart with him or a willing conversation. There was one point in my life where I said I despised him and everything he stood for. I didn't want any part of him in my life. It has only been recently, and hardly at that, that I would say I love him, but don't like him.

Where did this come from? Our history. I feel like it started with him hitting us as kids. It left bad imprints in our minds which started our hatred for him. And with that, we used to be exhilarated that he would be going to work. Then it was also the cold attitude he had towards everything. All of my friends notice it and they get a bad vibe off him. Another one, and one of the biggest, I can't stand his ignorant attitude. He acts as though he knows everything about everything because he's got a couple years of life on us and been around. He may know one aspect about one subject and base the whole thing off one generalization and then try to lecture us about it. Probably the last, but definetly the biggest reason, he hit my mother. I remember clearly her running downswairs into the basement to trying to get away from him and he followed her and beat her with his belt. I remember her screaming for him to stop and he kept doing it. Then he finally came upstairs and went to his room and left her in the basement crying.

Another time was when she was upstairs and telling him to leave her alone and then the next thing I hear is a bang. Followed by that bang was her cry. She was crying for him to stop, but he wouldn't. Next I heard what sounded like a vibration on the ceiling as he continuously hit her and she cried in pain...

I will NEVER forget those nights. They repeat back to me every couple of nights and I can't help but worry about her. This same man she sleeps next to every night is the same man who said he wouldn't do it again, but then did it again, and again... He hasn't done it in a while, but I will NEVER forgive him for that. You do not EVER put your hands on ANYONE. Especially not your spouse.

All of these factors are included in my resentment towards my father. It feels like I have gone most of my life without someone I'd like to call a father figure. He's been there, but hardly. My sister grew up without her biological father, and grew up with him. I told her I'd be fine with my father not being in my life anymore and I wouldn't care. She begs to differ. She feels that I will miss him and I will feel that difference.

But what will I be losing? Someone who tried to change me from who I was every step of the way. When I was younger and even still sometimes now, he criticizes everything I do because of how I do it. When I was a kid and used to play these pretend storylines with my brother, we would sometimes play as girls. At first I guess it was fine, but as we got older, my brother's voice changed first so I was the only one who could do a girl voice and ny dad had a problem. He asked, "why do you always talk in such a girly voice when playing?" When my niece lived with me, around the same time I was figuring out I was gay, I apparently picked up "gay tendencies". I talked with my hands a lot and exaggerated words when talking to my niece, whom was a baby at the time so I did it as baby talk. This came out to be a huge problem for him. He would expose these tendencies in front of everyone and let me know how unmanly it was.

I can't get my ears pierced because he thinks guys with ear rings are gay. He wouldn't let me wear anklets because they were gay. He got annoyed with me always hanging out with girls because it made me look gay. I couldn't do the play because it made me seem gay. He had a problem with most of the things I wanted to do and was when ibwas younger which brought down my confidence as a teenager.

I worry about being too flamboyant or talking with my hands or looking a certain way a little too much. I used to ask my friends all the time if they thought I was flamboyant and it would kill me more and more everytime. He took away a lot of my sense I had of who I was; a part I am trying to find today.

I will not miss that. Not in the slightest. I will also not miss someone who will be disapproving to the life I'm going to lead. I'm not going to miss that feeling of worry because I don't know how he will react to the man I love. I won't miss the worry I have for how he will react to the children I will have. I won't miss his judgemental stares. I won't miss his cold attitude, his ignorance, and especially his ability to do harm.

I will not miss it, and throughout this whole post I realize how much stuff he has put me through and how it had affected me. Don't get me wrong, I had a good life and he is partially responsible for that. But he is also responsible for mos of my insecurities and loss of who I am. In the end, time will tell if he will leave or not and if he does, I'll be ready for it. And I feel like it will hurt him a lot more than it will hurt me. Thanks for listening everyone. Just remember to love and cherish those that are close to you. And watch what you say, because you very well me be hurting the person who is closest to you... Have a great day!!!
~Be Breezy!~

Knock knock, don't come in!

I shouldn't deal with all the stuff I do by myself. I think about a lot and overthink a lot and I don't let it out. I don't let myself cry. I don't vent to anyone. I don't listen to anyone. I don't let anyone in. It's not healthy and is probably hurting me a lotore than I think, but it can't be worse than what it could be.

There are several reasons to why I don't tell people my problems. One because they are my own, two because I don't want them to think I'm always complaining, three because they wouldn't understand. Let's tackle these one by one.

In my first reasoning, I state they ate my own as my reason behind not letting people in. They are my own problems, not someone else's. They shouldn't have to listen to me bitch and moan. Plus, with all the people that can't keep their mouths shut, you can't tell most anyone anything anymore. People will tell their best friends and then that's already more people than I wanted to know! I don't want my business all out their on the street for everyone's discussion. That's how rumors get started and fake friends arise.

In my second reasoning, I state complaining ad my second reason. I hate sounding like a big cry baby. I don't physically have anything wrong with me, while there are other kids in hospital facing death in the fight against cancer and can't even live their own lives and I have the nerve to bitch and moan? I'm lucky I can have problems like these that fade in comparison to real diseases. Plus, I know what It's like to have someone complain to you all the time. It gets to be annoying and it seems that's all you end up talking about everytime they see you. I don't want to annoy anyone with my problems. My problems occur almost everyday it feels like, and I can see them getting annoyed.

Lastly, and my most important reason, they wouldn't understand. I HATE it when people pry and they give you answers like "it'll be ok" or "it'll happen" and especially "yeah, I understand.

How the fuck do you know of it'll be ok? What if everything that could possibly go wrong does? What do I do to make it get better? What do I do until then? Still think it'll be ok?

"It'll happen" generally refers to my huge issue with being single. The problem is not knowing whether not it will happen. The problem is waiting until then and coping with it. You telling me "it'll happen" is about as helpful as telling someone with a sprain, it'll heal... Obviously it'll heal, but what are they to do until then? My problem is I've been single for so long and it is obviously starting to hurt me mentally and emotionally. It'll happen, does not change my relationship status.

And lastly, "yeah, I understand". This one probably pisses me off the most! What the fuck do you know about being closeted to two old-fashioned black parents and knowing you're going to have to come out to them with the risk of losing them or even harm. What could you possibly understand about having to hide certain aspects of yourself because that part of you isn't socially acceptable? What could you possibly know what It's like to have to come out twice? To be that one person who can't find love because there isn't anyone for him around? To feel the shame after every sexual encounter you have because that isn't how it should've gone? To not know exactly who you are inside? To question who you are everyday? To consistently crush on people you can't have and end up hurting yourself?

The answer to all of those questions is you don't. Don't say I understand because you don't. You probably never will, so don't act like you know what I'm going through. Don't act like you have an answer, cause you don't.

This is why I don't let people in. I don't want to involve someone who is irrelevant into my problem and then annoy them. I don't want to hear answers that won't help. I don't want you to try and understand or level with my pain, because you won't. So what is the point?

The point is to just be there. I am there for so many people, and it upsets me that they can't give me the same ear I gave them? I won't stop because I cant help but help, some people could at least show effort into knowing what I'm going through of trying to make me feel better, but they don't.

Oh well, such is life. This cub is tired out his mind, so I'll talk to you later society. Have a great memorial day weekend  everyone!

~Be breezy~

Ready, but not set...

Early this morning, I had an outfit I was planning to wear and I needed my mom to sew the shorts for me. So she forgot and said she would have it ready before it was time for me to leave. Finally she came back to me and told me she couldn't do it and it led to a problem of "what can I wear now".

Now, I don't know if I have a particular problem when it comes to choosing what to wear, but sometimes I just can't. I can't just throw on anything. It has to be perfect for the day almost. If it is warm outside, I can't just throw on any t-shirt and jeans or shorts... It's gotta be the right ones. My family hates helping me pick out what to wear because of this problem. But I don't think they fully understand the extent to which it bothers me.

If I put on something I feel is not right, it physically bugs me. Physically, i will feel wierd, as if I am not myself. And the mental aspect of me will let me feel every second of it. I will be non-stop thinking about how I look and what people will think of me while I'm wearing it; and I never really imagine them saying nice things. In the midst of me ironing my clothes coping with what I settled with wearing, I always think back to what else I could wear that could possibly be better;and then once I've found it, I run downstairs and grab the new stuff! Even though I have no time! It really bugs me and they just don't understand...

I know you're wondering, "what does this have to do with being gay?" Other then the fact of me having a stereotypical fashion sense.. while I was looking for that right outfit for today after she shot the idea of my first choice, she started criticizing all of the clothes I wear. How they're "too tight" or I always have to dress so "flamboyantly". I told her I simply like the style of it, It's just my sense of fashion and people seem to like it. Her response was, "Do you know who dresses like that? Gay people."

Obviously after this comment you can infer that my parents are homophobic. So my response was, for once, "I don't care!" I would never say that to comments like those to my parents because that would lead them to infer that I was gay. They can't know because that puts me and my future at risk. My dad has said since day one that he will not accept homosexual "behavior" in this house and if we think we're grown enough to make that "decision" then we are obviously grown enough toive on our own. I have worked way to hard in school and through life to throw it all away.

Another reason this puts me at risk is my safety. My sister insists I don't tell my dad in person because he might lose control. She thinks he just might kill me. Now I don't know if this is true, but I'm not gonna risk it. So saying this to my mom was a huge thing.

I hate having to lie about who I am. I want to be open and truthful about who I am because I am not ashamed of it. I wanna be able to wear my rainbow suspenders while leaving the house or not have to worry about my mom stumbling upon my rainbow bandana or suspenders. I don't want it to be a shock when I bring home a guy. I hate having to whisper about it and refer to it as the thing when my parents are around. It is simply ridiculous.

This is also why I don't have a problem with going to school. In school, I don't have to hide behind that closet door, as much. People don't know about the whole best community thing, but they know I'm gay so I don't have to worry about anything like that! I can freely say boyfriend or wear rainbows or even dress flamboyantly because it will be accepted and will kind of be expected.

But even though they understand the gay aspect of me, my school has yet to fully understand the bear aspect of me. I still hide behind the leaves that cover my tracks into the cave of bears. I hate having to hide and feel ashamed of that part of me because that is one of my favorite parts about me. I love the bear community and hate having to hide my love for it; but I am getting better. I hashtag gay bear and cub on instagram and people have found out through there or I have my favorite bear community photos on my lock screen and it shoots random photos so it is kind of sprung upon people.

But here's where the not set part comes into play. I want to come out from behind the closet doors, but if I do, I must be sure in who I am. Like I said in a previous post, I'm not exactly 100% sure I am gay. Sometimes I question it, other times I am sure. I never feel sexually attracted to a girl other then just wanting to hold them or kiss them, but it goes further with men. I want to hold, kiss, caress, cuddle, have sex with, etc.

I don't want to come out and then all of a sudden jump back in what I'm saying and figure out I'm straight and was just confused as a child. Or bisexual and just wasn't accepting it. That would give my parents and all those who think It's a decision a satisfaction I don't want them to have. That would hive them the opening they have been waiting for ti say, "see I told you you could change" or "I told you you weren't gay, and now that you have probably caught something, you wanna switch back."

I won't let them have it. That is why I must be sure first. I kind if fucked myself over in school because I came out as gay before ever really being 100% sure and now I can't go back on what I said if I am not sure. If I am all of a sudden attracted to some girl, I can't chase after her without someone questioning her or me, and I am just not ready or strong enough to deal with that yet.

I thought when I started getting more mature I wasn't gonna have to play hide and seek anymore. It was fun as a child, but the fun has faded and I'm ready to play man hunt... The society that surrounds me has kept me in this bind for 16 years going on 17, and I don't know how much longer this cub can hold it. Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has a great memorial day weekend!

~Be Breezy!~

Why is it always the gay?

Ok, so this is more of an internal post. This is something really personal about me and something that I have never told anyone aloud. Frankly, this will be the first time I'm even admitting to it or even giving it some acknowledgence... It's something I've done all my life, and it always keeps me in a bind. Most of us blame society, I blame myself for everything.

This is my internal problem. I blame every bad thing that happens to me solely on the fact of me being gay. I just failed my test, all because I couldn't focus and all I could think about was being gay and men. I feel upset one day, must be the gay in me tearing me down. I don't want to walk to the other side of the classroom, why? Because I'm gay and everyone will talk about me behind my back because I am. Why don't I like hanging out with certain people, because I don't want to burden them with my gay.

It starts weighing down on me and almost giving me low self-esteem. I feel almost less than. I feel as though I don't belong and all I can say is because I'm gay.

Why? Why is that always my excuse? I feel like part of me does it because of all the stories I've heard about the internalized hate people had for themselbes for being gay and I felt I had to do the same to be gay. I felt like I got off easy in my coming out. I always pretty much knew since I was exposed to porn at a very young age. I knew I liked boys and eventually came to figure out that meant gay. The worst part about my coming out process might have been the lies. Beyond that, I wasn't bullied, I didn't have bad any reactions (so far), and I never went through any real self harm.

I know people are ok with me being gay, but somehow my mind always takes me back there. I'm always thinking the worst of things in advance. I dream about the moments where I get jumped for being gay or be involved in a hate crime. I feel like sometimes, it gives me happiness but also something to blame my issues on.

This is a short post being that I don't really know internally what is going on, but I know something is wrong. A clear sign was when I got drunk about two months ago when my parents weren't here and I told my friend I wanted to get drunk. People always say in the moments you are dunk, you are the most truthful. Well my truth came out, and I had bottled a lot in at that point... Still am. I was bottling up anger, frustration, loneliness, self-esteem issues, and questions of who I am. So in the midst of me being drunk, I noticed my friend walked away from me for a second and caught wind that he was talking to this girl. I knew he didn't have a problem with me or anything, by this time we'd been friends for about 4 or 5 years and he's known I was gay for about 2 or 3, but I was maybe a little jealous AMD emotional. I got overly upset and bursted into tears asking "why am I gay." I hated myself for it, I hated being gay solely because of the loneliness it brought me. I was so hysterically upset I called my sister and cried to her for maybe 10 minutes just repeating saying stuff I didn't think I believed, but would always dream about in my phases of blaming the gay. Finally, I calmed down and I realized this was something that could eventually get out of control.

I can't keep bottling this up... But I don't know who to turn to. I don't want to ask kids in my GSA because I don't lime referring to other kids on matters like these. I don't want to turn to friends because I don't like dumping my problems on people and I don't like being pitied. I don't want to turn to teachers because I don't want to worry anyone or get a reply I'm not ready to hear. And I can't turn to my parents because of my conditions as a closeted teen.

I don't know what to do, but I know something must be done. I can't keep bottling everything all in for it may end up in my drunken emotional breakdown or even worse. I don't know what I will need to make me feel better or even if there is anything truly wrong with me and it may all be in my head... I just don't know... And that's what scares me the most...

Being Left Behind...

We've all felt this. That feeling of everyone else is forming relationships and falling in love, while you're all alone. In high school, the feeling almost consumes you. Seeing couples after couples holding hands and kissing behind the stairwells and even partnering up in class. They are all over you Twitter feeds, instagram feeds, and facebook feeds and even become the topic of conversations. All of that starts to add up.

I never really had a relationship throughout my whole life. I was always the chubby nerdy kid that everyone befriended, but never dated. I was never too interested in girls, so I didn't care about dating them. I would always only fake crushes. But I had my first kind of real relationship the beginning of my sophmore year in high school. I dated this girl for pretty much two weeks. She was my first kiss and then we were over after two weeks. Beyond that, I haven't dated anyone.

I've never dated a guy, and being that I'm gay, I pretty much consider myself never even having a relationship. Now I have a lot of friends and I am very happy for all of them for finding love and finding themselves out. I am in no way mad at them for living their lives; but am I jealous, of FUCKING course.

I hate the fact that they get to date all these different girls and guys and have sexual experiences and go on dates, while I'm at home playing my piano by myself or watching cartoons by myself; anyone else seeing a pattern? They sit there and complain about their relationships and vent, while I sit there in jealousy wishing I could have those experiences.

I can't explore my sexuality, I can't date other guys, see what I like and what I don't; I'm stuck here guessing and fantasizing. Everyone else gets to date and fight and so on, while I sit on the sidelines living through them! I am to listen to my friends talk about the new guy or girl they're talking to and what's going on, while again, I live through them.

I hate it. It's like I'm on a complete different planet; their world keeps spinning and mine keeps tilting and stopping. Every step I take that gets me a little closer to something, then everything stops and I'm back at square one. I can't wait for the moment when I can finally join the race with everyone and find happiness. Right now, society has me on lockdown. Thanks for reading.

~Be Breezy~

Ashamed or Scared?

Have you ever thought about why people lie? We all hate being lied to and most hate having to come up with a good excuse. In my opinion, people lie when they don't want people to know something about them because they're ashamed of a certain part of them or their scared of what people will think of them afterwards.

In the gay community, a trending lie is during the coming out process. We lie everyday before coming out because we are either ashamed of what we are or scared of what people will think of us. Before I came out, I was terrified of what anyone would think of me. I lied because I wanted to keep my friends and family around. Even now I still lie sometimes about the kind of guys I like. I used to lie because I was ashamed of what I was into and scared on top of that. And I still am a little scared of what people will think of me afterwards.

But I have held onto a lie much longer than I should have. I wish I would have killed it off once I started coming out, but I didn't. And now I converse with some of my closest friends with the knowledge that I must keep up with this lie or be exposed as a fraud.

The lie I have assumed was having sex with a female. Why do I continue this lie? I am not ashamed of being gay or scared of what people will think. Some people already know that I have never had sex with a girl, so why do I lie to some of my closer friends? I know how they would react and I have had plenty of chances to admit to them the truth, but a part of me hold on to that lie...

But why? There is nothing wrong with being a gold star gay, in fact, most other gay guys like that. Maybe there is a part of me that still wishes that I was straight and that was my way of proving I'm not entirely different or to ensure my homosexuality. But I am going to break this lying barrier today. Society will no longer hold me back from the truth. Thanks for listening everyone and don't let yourself get tied up in lies. The truth will set you free.

~Be Breezy~