Your Favorite Kind of Fuckboy.

Let's start this post by clearing up exactly what the term "Fuckboy" even means. I just looked it up to see if the meaning has changed since the last time that I did, and what do you know - it did. When I first looked it up, it meant essentially a modern day "playa". Currently, it reads as the worst kind of man imaginable. A guy that represents the worst trends and "isn't bout shit."

My definition of Fuckboy is kind of a mix between the two. To me, a fuckboy is a guy who plays games and doesn't want a relationship or anything, but doesn't make it clear with any of the, for lack of a better word, hoes or bimbos that all he's up for is fucking. Me, I'm the cool kind of fuckboy. In my opinion, I'm the kind of Fuckboy that people WISH they had. I won't quote the title, but I'm the best kind of Fuckboy there could be.

I'm the kind of Fuckboy doesn't play games. I'm not into them. I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to play them. Not that I ever really had, and seeing the games be played doesn't make me want to play them any more so. Even when I was young I never really dated; I was always quick to get into a relationship (not that I was in very many relationships) because I knew I liked this person, so why am I holding off on making them mine? I've come to learn that that is not something that you rush, but I don't want to play games.

Playing games requires a lot of extra work and frustrations AND time. All of which either isn't worth it or I don't have. I realize that it can be very hard to not play games. The whole wait three day rule game, or see who will text who first. Trust me, I get how sometimes these games can seem like they will provide you with an answer, but all it will do it drive your brain insane and fuel anger. How will the other person know they're involved in a game? You're essentially setting them up for failure! And then on top of that, you're going to be blaming them for a failure they didn't even know was being committed! Ergo, I don't play games.

I'm the best kind of fuckboy because I'm honest. Most of the other fuckboys that exist don't. They manipulate, cheat, and deceive. Now I'm not saying I'm a saint because that is FAR from the truth. I'm just saying that I'll be real with you. Part of my new year's resolution to myself was to start being honest. I was tired of always lying to cover things up and to protect feelings. I've learned better. You can't always protect people's feelings; however, you can save them a lot of turmoil by just being honest.

If I don't like you, I'm going to make it very apparent to you. I'm not going to feed you false comments and pretend. If I don't like you, I will either straight out tell you, or be sarcastic about it. If I solely just want to have sex with you, I will be as apparent as I can be. I will flirt, I will take off clothes, and I will grab. I won't play the texting game with you and nor will I chase you down to figure out what time of day will work. If you want to play the game of someone chasing after you, then play it elsewhere because I don't want to play.

I know what my schedule is like and I can make pretty accurate guesses about things that happen around me. I don't believe anyone to have a busier schedule than I, unless you've got two or three little tots at home. I will not chase you down and I will not text you everyday to see if you're available. I will try three times at most, but then I'm done. If you've blown me off three times in a row, then fuck it. I've been told that if you're chasing someone and they don't chase you back, then they aren't worth your time. I'm really starting to see it.

It isn't a cocky thing either, it is just knowing what you're worth. Evidently I'm a pretty damn good looking guy, at least that's what people keep telling me, so why would I keep chasing someone who doesn't set aside time for me?! Honestly, fuck that! I'll find someone else who has their life in a better grip to fuck with. Sorry bout it.

Thirdly, if I want to be with you, I will fucking let you know. I don't think I've ever had an experience quite like this before. Where I know that I am not ready for a relationship, yet I want to spend my time with one particular guy. I had a bit of a hookup with this other guy who was very nice and he seemed to think that I was very taken by him. I told him flat out that that was not the case. He was a nice guy and all, but I have just my eyes set somewhere else. And I've told a multitude of people that. If I like you, I will let you know! This guy who I do feel very taken by, started out as just a very good friendship. (For the most part) We had great sex and I always had such a great time being around him. Skipping over a lot of bs, I find myself to now where I very much like him and I've straight out told him. I was leaving his house one day and I was very annoyed with how the morning was going, so I told him. I turned around and told him that I wanted to date him. I don't want to be his friend, nor do I want to be someone he just plays with. I want to know that this is going somewhere and I am not just getting angry and putting thought and emotion into something that will be going nowhere.

Like I said above, I don't have the time nor the patience for bs. I don't want to play games and I don't want to beat around the bush. I know what I want in my life right now. People who don't know what they want as of right now need to stay the fuck out of my way. Or don't, but I'll tell you what I want and you can take it from there.

It's not me being a dick, it's just me controlling my life. If you're being an idiot, I'll let you know. If you're saying something stupid, I'll let you know. If I think you're good looking I'll let you know. If I want to have sex, I will let you know. If I want something more, I will let you know. All I ask in return is that you be honest with me and you let me know how you feel. If you don't want to be with me, let me know. If you don't want to have sex, let me know. If you're not interested in me, just let me fucking know.

Be transparent. Be real. I promise I won't be too mad at you. Initially I will be a little annoyed, but at least I won't be wondering what the fuck is going on! I'll do you that favor, so just give it back. Most people WISH they had that! I'm the best kind of fuckboy. *Drops Mic*

Stop Lying.

I want to stop lying. To you. And you. And you. And especially to you. How long can I keep this up? I'm not doing anyone any favors. I want to stop lying. I hope I can. I think I'll start tonight, even though I kind of started two days ago. I'm petrified. I feel like these lies have gotten me this far, and taking them back might mean something bad. And I don't know how much more bad I can really take. Let me keep this short and to the point.

I'll start with you. I'm sorry I lied to you. We've gone through a lot. Adventures that people our ages couldn't imagine doing and people twice our age dreamt they could do. We were in love. We laughed. We fought. We yelled. We screamed. We kissed good night. We gave stuff up for each other. We fell apart. We're not friends.

For a while I had doubted our relationship. And for a while I had lied to you. I cheated on you. I can't even say just once. I did it multiple times. I did it because I knew we wouldn't have sex and it infuriated me. You either pushed me away or I had to thoroughly chase you and I never got chased back and I was fed up. I didn't even feel bad after a while. It just became something I felt I had to do.

The other night, I told you I didn't care about you. I didn't lie, but I was crude. I told you I didn't care about you, I took advantage of you, I manipulated you, and I didn't care. I knew I could get what I wanted out of you, so I did. I didn't even feel remorse for it. It was fucking with you, and I knew it. I knew it and I did it anyways.

To you, I'm sorry.

I want to stop lying to you, too.

I met you about two years ago. We met on grindr. We talked for a long time. Even talked over the phone. You were in a horrible spot. Hated your job, you were living with your ex and you could never have people over, etc. We tried to hook up multiple times, and we just never made it happen. Fast forward two years.

We reconnected after my break up. Finally. Somehow, I was hoping I'd run into you. We chatted for maybe 10 minutes. Very brief. I invited myself over and we connected very quickly. Very easily. I fell for you. Very easily and very quickly. I kept trying to tell myself not to fall so hard because I didn't think you'd like me back, but I did.

I'm sorry I told you I didn't think we should date. Every day I kick myself because of it.  Every day I wonder where would I have been if I had actually dated you. I thought we vibed very well together. I thought I saw a couple flaws between us and I let them scare me away, but I wish I hadn't. I don't think I'm in love with you because I've distanced myself enough to not get there, but I always get these deep feelings brought back whenever I think about you.

I lied to you. Maybe not directly, but by not speaking up. I should have told you how I felt. Told you the type of feelings I had developing for you. I should have told you how angry it made me when I felt like I was the only one making plans with you. I should have told you how angry it made me because it felt like you could never make time for me or how I never felt special because of it. What pushed me away was your inability to make me feel special and wanted. Maybe not wanted, but needed. I really like you. Immensely, but I'm scared to tell you because I feel like it won't be reciprocated or maybe I've missed my shot.

For that, I'm sorry.

I want to stop lying to you.

You are such a special person. Such a rare person. So strong willed. Strong minded. Strong in general. You always keep kicking. There have been tons of forces that would have told many to give up and turn off the light, but not you. You have this light, this fire that burns. Burns bright. And no matter how dim it gets, you always turn it back on somehow. You're funny, you're witty, you're smart, and you are going to go far. But maybe not with me.

I've lied to you. For a while now. Longer than I thought I had. Sometimes not intentionally. It sucks because I really like you and we have such a great time together, but it's pretty clear that we're not meant to be.

The other day, you told me you were falling for me. I've been almost dreading the moment that you were going to say that. I've been dreading it because I don't feel the same way, and I don't think I ever will. From the moment we met, you'd been talking about me in this special light. A light that is clearly different from the light I see you in. You say things like, "You've known all along" or "From the moment I saw you". Meanwhile I say things like, "I love when you" and "you, too".

I don't see you in that light. Part of that I blame on myself for not listening to you. For a while you had been telling me that we can't say certain things to each other because it will feel more like we are friends more so than we are boyfriends, and you were right. I feel like we work better as friends than we do as boyfriends. We make fun of each other, call each other hunty, etc. And it has somehow pushed you into the friend zone with me.

If I'm being totally honest, the lies don't stop there. I haven't enjoyed our sex life, or lack there of. I know we'd been easing our way into things, but I hadn't been having a lot of fun along the way and I lied to you when we finally accomplished something and I said I enjoyed it. To be honest, I couldn't enjoy myself because my focus was elsewhere and I couldn't keep going.

As shallow as it sounds, sex is a big part of my life, and I enjoy it. I want to enjoy having sex with the person I like and eventually love, but whatever we were doing wasn't it. And then we don't vibe well sexually. As much as we vibe well everywhere else, I never felt as though we could make it happen sexually. This pushed me to cheat. Sex already wasn't readily available to me and I didn't necessarily enjoy it when it was, so I sought it elsewhere. I wish I could say I only did it once, but I didn't. I wish I could say that I wish I could be the one for you, but I can't, and I shouldn't waste any more of your time.

For that, I'm sorry.

Lastly, I want to stop lying to you. You are the most important person in my life. You are my absolute favorite person. Of all the people I should be honest with, you should be at the top of the list. At the beginning of the year, I told you I would stay true to you. Listen to your heart and follow everything that would make you happy. Good Vibes and good times. But I went back on that.

I'm not proud of myself. I'm not proud of you, whoever you are. Because of what I've done, you are not who I necessarily wanted you to be. For two months, I lied to you and drove you into this rut. This rut filled of fear, anxiety, solitude, hunger, etc. From that, I let you get talked into bad jobs, things you weren't ready for, and scary situations. I let you have a panic attack. Even passed that, I made you go back and have another one. I made you pull over to the side of the road and cry to your friend at 7 in the morning. I made you beat yourself up day in and day out for an hour until you got to your destination and then for12 more hours.

Now I've got you trapped between three guys. One whom you want almost nothing to do with. One you wish you could be the one for. And one you truly want to be with, but don't feel like could be with you. I feel like I don't even know what to tell you. I feel like I don't even know where to tell you to go next or what to do next.

For that, I'm sorry.

I want to do better. I want to start telling the truth. To you. And you. And you. And especially you. I hope I can somehow make you proud of me again.

Starting Over as Friends.

This post is in addition to the one I posted last night. I did a quick recap of where I left off in life, and where I am. In this post, I hope to further explain where I am in life, and hopefully clear some thoughts up in my own mind. Let's start from the break up.

Me and my ex broke up about two weeks into December. It had killed me to do it, but I had to end it. It sucked even more to ruin the holidays for the both of us, but I couldn't go into a new apartment with the feelings I had. I had held it in as long as I could, but I had to set myself free. Not only me, but him, too. Staying in that relationship would have meant deceiving him. It would have meant keeping him from finding who he was supposed to be with. It was keeping him in something that was going no where fast.

Like I said, it killed me to have to do it. I had to take a lot into account. I had to think about how it would make me feel, make him feel, the apartment, our Christmas presents, our families, our relationship as a whole, etc. I think at first, what hurt most was that I couldn't explain how I felt to him and he had to go off of whatever I could say in the moment. I hated to think that he thought I was just being selfish and did this all for myself. I actually even wrote a letter beforehand. It was a peculiar writing. It was addressed to both him and myself at the same time. In it, I explained how I was feeling, and what I might want to say to him. The letter hit all of the points I ever wanted it to. All the way to the nitty gritty parts. It allowed me to explain to him as best I could in that moment, however, it was far from done.

The whole night, we spent crying and fell asleep in each other's arms. The next day rolled around and I got up early, still in disbelief of what I had just done and of my new reality. I managed to keep myself together when I got to my parents house and explained to them what happened. Thankfully, my parents have come a long way. I remember just blurt in it out to my mom because I knew if I didn't say it as soon as I saw her, I wasn't going to be able to do it. She and I sat down for a while and I explained everything to her and what I was going to do next. She totally understood and was even proud of me for making the decision that I had made. Most people don't have the courage or maturity to do what I did and therefore end up in terrible falling outs. Thankfully, I ended things before they had gotten that far.

I was petrified to tell my father. We hadn't talked much about being gay after I had moved out. He had been around my ex, but it was never spoken about. I kind of preferred it that way; if it wasn't brought up, there was no potential for dirty looks or snide comments. However, this was different. We had a very grown up man to man talk. Kind of like the father son talk I always imagined having. We talked and I explained to him what happened and he, too, was proud of me.

After the visit to the parental units, I went to go see my brother, and best friend, Brian. He had been aware that this night was coming, so it came as no shock to him. I explained what happened and I remained calm for the most part. He had actually told me I had been handling it very well. I think that was the breaking point for me. I couldn't believe how I might have seemed. How could I be okay after what I had just done? How could I even muster a smile when my ex was probably at home crying his eyes out. I think I tried to explain what happened once I read the letter and I lost it.

For a while, me and my ex still lived together. Probably about two and a half weeks. Those had to be two of the worst weeks I had experienced since coming out to my parents. Everytime I had tried to talk to my ex, all I got was attitude and one word answers. I was constantly trying to make sure that he was okay and see what he was thinking. I knew what he was thinking. He was hurt. He was angry. He was confused. One day he thought we were fine. The next, I wanted to break up with him.

I knew I had to give him space, so I tried to keep myself busy and out of the apartment so he had time to think and such. I still had trouble letting go of passed habits and it caused a lot of anamosity out of him. I continued to use nicknames and wanted to text him, but he made it very clear to me that those actions were not allowed. Therefore, I decided I just had to suck it up.

I thought I had to endure the pain he inflicted on me. I thought I deserved it. Someone who did what I did didn't deserve to be happy or even deserve his forgiveness and friendship. For a while I let him walk over me and let those thoughts linger in my head, but soon enough, I learned better. I knew that I did nothing wrong. I was a good person. I did what I did out of love and to let love continue somewhere else. I didn't deserve the way he was treating me, and now I was standing up against that.

I think the last straw was when he wanted to split up the possessions. I had been trying to have any kind of conversation with him for days, but he would ignore me and shut me out all the time. I think I was already a wee bit peeved with him for some reason, but I left to go get a haircut, to then have him call me back to split the stuff up. At this point, I was livid. I remember storming back to the apartment furious and he just looked so smug. It looked as if he knew I was infuriated, and this was his way of getting under my skin. I'm sure that wasn't his intention, but in that moment, he could have fooled me.

He was going down this list that he had put together and he was just going down as if he couldn't wait to have this over with and leave. I was so infutiated, it didn't matter to me what he had took. He could have taken everything in the place, and I wouldn't have stopped him because I believed I deserved it and that this was the end of it between us. From that moment on, I wasn't taking anymore of his shit.

Probably a week after that, he and our previous neighbor decided they were ready to move him in. I was at work and did not know this conversation had happened. As far as I knew, he wasn't moving I to the other apartment until the beginning of the year. While I was at work, he decided he would move his stuff out, assuming that he had hoped to be done before I got here. I came home to him, his sister, and her friends helping him move and my possessions all over the place.

At this point, infuriated was an understatement. I was hurt. Truly hurt. I felt betrayed, and I felt insulted. I couldn't believe someone whom I had spent the passed year and a half and giving him all the love I could, could do this to me. Everything up to this point. The worst part was I knew that he was capable of it. All of what previous people said about him were true. I knew it. I always did. I just figured he'd never be that way to me. But I was wrong, and now I've learned my lesson.

I probably stayed there for a good twenty minutes trying to seem calm and as if nothing was bothering me. His sister sought a moment to try to even console me. I even offered to help. After that twenty-first minute, I had to leave. I couldn't stand it any longer. I couldn't stand him any longer. I went to my parents house without telling anyone. Only my brother was there and I told him what happened. I was done.

Later that evening, my ex finally texted me to see if I was okay. Of course I lied and said, "I'm fine, not that you care." Long story short, I basically told him that I didn't deserve the way he was treating me and how much it hurt me. My ending point, "It never really matters what you think you did. Just what the other person feels like you did."

When I got home, he was in tears. I was sitting on the floor, folding the clothes that were everywhere, and basking in what was left in the apartment to be mine. What was left? Two couches (which one served as my bed), the TV stand/space heater, the kitchen utensils, and a picture of us in the bedroom that had Mr. and Mr. above it. I had literally let him take everything. It didn't matter to me. all I wanted was for him to like me. For him not to hate me. For us to be able to move passed this point.

He apologized for everything that he had done in the passed few weeks. He had treated me like the enemy and like someone who cheated on him and threw him out on the street. He treated me as if I had done something morally wrong to him. What I did was put him first. What I did, was make a mature decision that would result in the best for us. But he didn't see that. At this point, he did. And all he could do was look at me sit on the floor and imagine how I must have felt. All he could do from that point on was remember the monster that had did that to the person he once called his true love.

Weeks had passed by of us just trying to behold each other's company. I tried to make him breakfast, and that was awkward. Everything we did was awkward, even the sex. Yeah, we did that. I'm not proud of it, but I did.

It lasted for probably all of two weeks and then I decided I did not want to continue with that arrangement. I felt dirty. I didn't feel right as a person. I felt like some hookup that was just toyed with and then tossed away. I didn't feel like someone who he had loved. I felt like another quick fuck. So I ended it.

Weeks and a couple of big boy conversations later, I had decided that I needed space. I had made it very clear that I did not any sort of sexual relationship with him, but the advances persisted, so I told him to leave me alone for a while. And in that time, I don't know that I have been the best person around towards him, but I have been who I am. For a while, I did feel like I was being a dick, but now I think I was just being honest in who I am. I am a dick. Everyone knows it. Shit, I take pride in it! I don't take it too far, but just far enough to be funny. I guess he didn't find it funny.

I don't know where to be with him right now. He wants to have a relationship with me. Just as friends, but I don't know if he can handle that. I don't know if I can handle that. We can't even get over having a guy over! I think I'm at the point where I don't care, but he is not. He still can't even stop sexually advancing on me! That's not the kind of "friend" I want. Well, maybe it is, but not out of him.

He's been sending me handwritten letters lately. Letters that explain where he's at in life and where he wants to be. I've only gotten two so far. I'm proud of him. I truly am, however, that doesn't mean that we're  ready to be friends. I'm still not in the right mindset. I'm still pretty angry. I know I shouldn't be and that I shouldn't hold grudges, but I can't help it. I can't help think that he needs to quit telling me that I'm being rude and being a jerk because that's not what he was thinking when he was being that way to me. He didn't bat an eye when he was that viscous. I know it only makes me stoop down to his level, but in my eyes, I'm not. I'm being me. . . And I'm enjoying it.

I don't know where life will take us. At this point in my life, I'm only focused on having fun and being me. I've taken great pride in this whole Good Vibes thing. Good vibes equal good times. Thick guys and good vibes are the only things allowed in my life right about now. I don't think I want to stress anything else. Who knows. Only time can tell. But I can always continue to say. . .

After All This Time? Always. 💕

~Be Breezy~

Young. Wild. Free.

Wow. My last post was back in October of 2015. It was on How To Get Away With Murder. I remember first coming across that show whilst searching up Alfred Enoch. He played Dean Martin in the Harry Potter movies, he was the only black kid. He becomes more relevant in the movies when he dates Ginny in Half Blood Prince, but he doesn't get more relevant than that. But I digress.

I remember searching him up to see where all the characters had gone off to and seen that he had starred in this show. Then, me and Kyle were looking for a new show to watch and then we came across it and we started to watch it together. We were hooked. Binge watched the whole first season in a week. Then we fan girled over it and other shows for a couple of weeks until they all ended. God, it feels so long ago.

I know what I want to say in this post. I know the story I want to tell. I know the feelings I want to express. What I hope this will do is... honestly. I really don't know. I hope it makes me feel better. Makes me feel stronger. More hopeful. More free. I've got my cup of tea. Grab yours and maybe a cup of Joe, too. This is going to be a long and bumpy story.

Around the same time as this post, I remember we had one of our biggest fights. I never thought I'd have a fight this big. I remember even thinking that I was such a tolerant person that I couldn't possibly get into huge fights. Then this happened. The fight of no return.

It was around Halloween time and we had planned to go to Mazilla. Mazilla is this corn field out in the poconos that people turn into a maze and create landmarks through the maize for people to find and mark. Actually loads of fun. That day, Kyle had mentioned that there was a house that was being forclosed and his client only deals with foreclosures that get fixed up and he wanted to check it out. Ultimately, he had planned that if he liked how it looked when it was fixed up that he would want to buy it and live there and then sell it and flip it years down the road.

For as long as I've known Kyle, he has always loved looking at and admiring houses. He's always talked about buying houses and other people buying houses and his entire family even talk about it. Shit, everytime his sisters came over, they would constantly tell him how good he's doing for himself and how he should just buy a house. This was something has always intimidated me. Looking back, I think my mistake was not addressing it then.

So, we go to see this house. Driving, this place was probably a good ten minutes from our apartment. From what I remember, it wasn't a bad looking place. Not great, but it had potential. Good space, reasonably sized yard, and it had the place had cupholders. I kid, I kid. It didn't have cupholders. (Deal breaker)

He loved the idea of this place. I think he had had his mind pretty well set before even going and then this was kind of icing on the cake. It had seemed so easy to him. He had a whole speech ready for me about how we were going to afford it, what it would do for us in the long run, etc. What he couldn't give me, we're the answers I wanted. Even more so, he couldn't get me to meet his point of view. If there could have been one defining moment of change, this was it.

At this point, I could no longer sugar coat anything. I had to make sure that I got my point across and that I got it across, firmly. I wasn't going to be pushed into doing something I didn't want to do, especially not something as big as this. Buying a house is a HUGE thing to do. Someone that I, being only 18 at the time, didn't want ANY part in. Shit, at that point, I didn't even have a car! I couldn't even afford a car payment or even insurance let alone a mortgage, or god forbid anything major went wrong with the house.

He asked me what I thought about his idea to buy it and flip it years down the road. At the first chance I got, I told him no. I had zero interest in this investment and there was not any room for compromise on the matter. First off, the place had been too far for me to really navigate. I was very fortunate that our apartment was about a mile down the road from campus, so I was able to walk to school. I was also very fortunate that the buses ran right in the vicinity of where I needed them to. This place, was not as feasible.

This place had been about another two miles from where we lived, ergo, another 3 from campus and 2 from the nearest bus stop. Kyle couldn't understand what that meant for me because he had a car. He could afford this move because getting around wasn't an issue for him, that and he makes more money than I do. However, he wouldn't have had the same problems as I, and he just wasn't seeing that. Nonetheless, it didn't matter to me whether he saw my point of view or not. My mind was made up, and it wasn't going to change.

After that discussion, we left to go for Mazilla. In that drive, I could tell the entire mood of the day had changed. He had been upset that I did not like his idea and that I didn't want to move. It had seemed that he had had so much faith that I wouldn't disagree with him and he'd be calling up his client to spread the news that he hadn't considered me saying "no". Everytime I had tried to hold a conversation with him, it was like talking to someone who was peeved at you. One word answers and pouting. I remember asking if he was okay, and of course he answers, "Yup, I'm fine." As if that ever means what it is supposed to, but I just let him deal with his feelings and decided not to push him into talking.

The whole evening at Mazilla, I got increasingly more frustrated with him because of this attitude he carried since the house viewing. He wouldn't want me to touch him, didn't want to talk to me, wouldn't listen to me, or even let me take the lead. He would sprint off into one direction and go, so after a while, I let him go. I let him go off into a direction and I went off into my own. The competitive part of me wants to admit that I found two or three landmarks while on my own and he hadn't found any. (Enter applause  emoji) Eventually, we linked back up, however, his attitude hadn't changed. He continued to sprint ahead without my discretion, until I forced him by intentionally leaving in a separate direction.

Two hours and a piss in the maize later, he pulls me aside in the middle of the maize and finally speaks up. He admits that he had been frustrated this entire time because of what I told him back at the house. He told me that he had saw such a great investment there and it would pave the way for us in the future. He had said that he had our best interests at hand, and that this would work out if I just listened to him.

I knew this had been coming, and I knew exactly what I had to do. My mind had not changed or even varied in the slightest in the hours we spent in the maze, and evidently neither did his. I had expressed to him once more that I didn't like the idea and that I didn't want to do it. The place is too far from civilization for me and is not feasible for me to get around, I didn't want him taking on most of the bills because I couldn't afford them, and I didn't want to be burdened by that much responsibility at such a young age. To me, we hadn't even been in our place long! At that point, we had lived there for 8 months! I hadn't even gotten the chance to fully enjoy living there. I LOVED being in that apartment,  and I was not ready to move by any means.

He continued to try and persuade me and feed me lines about how he was thinking about our future and how this would make it so much easier for us. At this point, I had started to get thoroughly upset because it had seemed like he hadn't even been listening to me. It was like talking to a bigot; only seeing one side no matter what. I had to get my point across. I needed to let him know that I meant what I said and that this wasn't something that I wanted to do. I knew what I had to tell him. Best part was that it wasn't bullshit. It was me speaking total truth.

I told him, "I can't make you do anything. At the end of the day, you are a big boy, and you are going to do whatever you want to do. But with that said, if you buy this house, it will be your house, and I will not be living in it." His face stood there astonished by what I said. What was probably a 20 second stare seemed like an hour, and he asked me if I was serious and I told him yes. Right at my response, he told me that he thought my thought process was stupid and immediately stormed off in the opposite direction and I couldn't even chase him. I stood there for a second and then I tried to find him, but I had lost him in the maize. I was so frustrated at this point, I don't even remember wanting to find him. I found the last two landmarks and then exited the maze.

Once I left, I sought him out to try to try to talk to him, but he wasn't having it. He continued to storm off and I met him at the car. At this point, I had had it. I tried to talk to him, but he didn't want to talk. I tried to be honest, but he didn't care. I tried to consider his feelings, but he didnt consider mine. I tried to be reasonable, but he chose not to be.

The car rise was quiet almost the entire way. I told him I didn't want to go to dinner, but he took us anyways. There, I didn't say a word to him. Shit, I couldn't even look at him. I was so infuriated by him, and him forcing me to go to dinner after I said I didn't want to was a slap in the face to me. I believe he tried to reach for my hand and then I snatched it away. If I remember right, he tried to have some type of conversation, but I was over it. I paid the bill, he drove us home, and I slept on the couch without saying good night. He didn't eve try to stop me. Rule number 10 of the love rules had been broken, and I didn't care.

The next morning, was quiet. Neither of us spoke to each other for the first hour and then he sat next to me. He grabbed my hand to hold it and I had snatched it away. I was still very furious with him. He hadn't considered my feelings. He called them stupid. He had hurt my feelings. I remember my mom telling me when I was younger to get used to getting my feelings hurt because it was going to happen a lot. That may be inevitable,  but it will be avoidable when it is possible and it will be enforced. The moment he had did that, was one of the moments he lost me in.

After I snatched my hand away, he rolled his eyes and walked away without further effort. With that, he got in the shower and my manager had reluctantly called me in early. With that, I got dressed and left without goodbye. Kyle expressed that that had been wrong of me, but I told him contrary. I felt as though he had not even began to truly try and I expressed that. I think that day was one of the many times I had actually believed I was going to have to break up with him.

Later that night, I believe we had actually had the conversation about what happened. He expressed that he wanted to move into a bigger place, meanwhile, in more words than I shouldbhave, I admitted that I had doubts in our relationship. I remember the amount of times that I would just walk out onto the balcony in the middle of the night contemplating how I truly felt about our relationship. How he made me feel. If we had been right for each other. What I would and should do. This fight had been something almost defining for me, and it was time I spoke on it.

He wasn't happy about it, but I don't think that he had taken me seriously. We had said that we would try to do better. I told him to stop rushing a move and he told me we had to plan something soon. So we compromised. If our neighbor had moved, we would take that apartment. It had been a lot bigger and only $25 more expensive. At the time, I thought this had been a perfect compromise because it wouldn't be further, wouldn't have been any more expensive, and it couldn't be for some time. Or at least I thought. I told you this ride was going to be bumpy. Remember that boiling hot cup of Joe? Grab it because it's about to get real cold in here.

Two months later, Kyle texts me while I was at work. At this point, I had been having even stronger doubts about our relationship and I had even expressed it to some of my closest friends and told them what it might even mean. It was amazing the feeling that this text brought me. I opened it and it said that he had great news for me. He didn't even need to tell me. I looked up at my friend (one of my coworkers at the time) and I told her. I told her that he had good news for me and that I knew what it was. It was the beginning of December and the year was coming to a close. I never thought this text would come this soon. I had been banking on the fact that it wouldn't, but it did. Our neighbor had decided he was going to move and that the apartment was up for rent. My heart had dropped.

I remember telling Kyle to just give me time to think about it, and he had been confused because he thought we had agreed, but said okay. Little did he know, I didn't need time to think about buying the apartment, I needed time to assess what it was that I was going to do next.

Maybe a week passes by, and I remember just feeling different the entire time. I had no patience. For anything. I didn't want to be bothere,. I had been angry all the time, and I felt trapped. I was a dick to Kyle and I made no effort in trying to hide it. I had become very blunt and less considerate as time grew on. The end was coming.

I remember being at work debating about what I was going to do. I knew I had to break up with him soon. I couldn't go into a new place and a new lease with the amount of doubts I had. I couldn't go another day of hiding my frustrations and going on the way I was. I had to break up with him while we were still on a good note and before I did something I'd regret. It sucked to have to ruin the holidays, but it had to be done.

I asked one of my coworkers how he had broken up with his ex-girlfriend hoping for good advice. It turned out that she was a bitch and he told her to fuck off. Not very helpful to my situation. Then another coworker came over while I was talking to the other guy. The sane guy I work was talking to had asked why I had asked and I had told the both of them that I had been planning to break up with Kyle. Me and the girl had walked over to where it was just me and her and I continued to talk to no prevail. I remember just talking about what I was going to do. Talking about how I needed to do what had to be done because if I didn't, we'd just end up hating each other. I had gotten about two sentences in and I started reminiscing. It had been amazing. The whole night I  had been scared and angry, but in that moment all of it relinquished to pain, distraught, and sorrow. I couldn't fight back the memories or the tears that came with them. I had remembered our first date at Chili's, the night I asked him to be my boyfriend, the beach trips, our move into the apartment, everything. It had all seemed to hit me like a wave hitting footprints in the sand and washing them away. That night, I broke up with Kyle.

We cried. A lot. I never thought I could hurt that bad. Or even hurt in that kind of way. I had always imagined that people had been exaggerating those feelings. This was no exaggeration. Nothing about this had been fake. None of this had been easy. In those 24 hours, i had to make one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life.

We had lived together for another two and a half weeks before Kyle had moved out. Those two and a half weeks had to be the most aggravating and stressful points in our relationship of knowing each other. He had not made it easy. I believe knew he had just needed space, which was very hard to do with us living in a one bedroom apartment. He predominantly stayed in the bedroom and I stayed predominantly in the living room. He slept in the bedroom and I slept on the couch. I tried to have conversations with him and tried to make sure he was okay, but he shut me out. Any time I had tried to talk to him, it had been one word answers or frustration and anger out of him. He only talked to me when he wanted something. It was only ever about splitting up possessions or sex, and it was enough to push me over the edge. He had finally moved out and we had another big boy talk resulting in a major key in our relationship: "it isn't about what you think you did, it's about what the other person felt you did." I stressed a major point on feelings. My feelings have always been of dire importance to me. They make me who I am and I am going to protect that.

As we rolled into the new year, I had intended to make this year count for something real to me. This was my first year that I had been single, living on my own, going to school, working, and being out of the closet. This is the first year that I've had to depend solely on myself. The very first year in my life where I am my own parent and my own best friend. When Kyle gave me his key to my apartment, that was the moment that introduced a new beginning for me. I had an apartment to refurbish, a life to restart, and new experiences to discover.

Currently, I am doing very well for myself. I still live in the same apartment, by myself, and going through each motion as it is presented to me. I have made it through the first couple of weeks at school and I am receiving my license for a new job that I will be starting very soon. I have been going on a couple of dates here and there, but nothing too heavy. There's even a guy who I've developed pretty big feelings about and I'm trying to decipher them and keep them at bay. I don't want to be in a relationship for a while. Right now, I want to date, have experiences at my leisure, work, meet people, etc. This year is all about redefining who I am as a person, as a young adult. This year is all about good times and good vibes. This year is all about making things happen. This year, I will be YOUNG. WILD. AND FREE.

~Be Breezy!~

How to Get Away With Murder

Hey guys, since my last few posts have been a little negative, I thought I'd write about something positive. I don't want to project that I'm a negative person because in reality, I'm the exact opposite. I'm a positive person who sees the negative, however, projects as much positivity as I can. I heard a quote once that said, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." There's enough negativity in this world to kill half of it, so without further build up. . . Today's topic!

About a month ago, me and my boyfriend were searching through netflix. Every night we get home from work and we'll be looking for something to watch because let's face it, TV just isn't what it used to be. All that is ever on these days are shitty remakes of classic shows, shitty reality TV shows, and the shit that no one wants to watch. Of course there are some good shows in contrast to those, but you only ever catch them if you stay home all day or its one of those once a week type shows.

So we were scrolling through trying to do d something to watch, and we came across this show called How To Get Away With Murder. The show came up in Kyle's top picks or most recommended,  but honestly we don't pay much attention to that section because 12 other people use his netflix. (Sorry Netflix) However, we had both came across this previously in passing and decided to give it a shot; it was another series to get into and it starred the wonderful and fabulous Viola Davis.

Mrs. - miss? I don't know if she's married or not... she should be, she's fucking Viola Davis! - Viola Davis has been a huge star for both of us in everything she's played, especially for me. She played one of the main characters in the movie The Help, which was an incredible story about what it was like during the Civil rights movement of black people's rights. I loved her ever since that film because she had been a huge advocate for black people and a wide inspiration to many.

In this show, Davis plays the hard ass professor of a law class in what I believe to be in the graduate school level. On top of that, she is also an active defense attorney in the courtroom whom does not lose cases. From the very beginning she takes on five students she names the "Keating Five" ( because her name in the show is Annalise Keating) that she essentially interns them and takes them into the courtroom with her and they are to help her solve and fight her cases. They are taken under her wing with her two associates and must continue their struggle in hiding and uncovering more about their dirty, little secret.

Right off the bat, you can tell that this show is a crime - drama. It includes the law and the fighting in the courtroom, however it is so much more. If you wanted to see law fighting and excruciating cases, you could just watch Law and Order or NCIS, or something, but I brought you to this show! Why? Because once you are engaged, you are hooked and there is so much more that you need to know before you can just jump ship. You need to know how she does it. How does she somehow manage to get these people who admit murders to her, off? You need to know how she plans to hide their dirty little secret. You need to know why she cares so much for these students. You need to know why more and more shit keeps happening to her. You need to know, what happens to the students in the very end.

Like in every show, at least in every good one, you get attached to the characters. In all honesty, that's what creates a great movie in my book! My ability to connect with the characters is crucial to me enjoying most things. I guess that is the psych major and sociology minor in me speaking. I just love people and I love getting to know more and more about them. Why did I feel so connected to Harry Potter? Because I literally grew up with him. When he cried, I cried. Harry was like a good friend to me, I listened even when he thought no one else did. I was there fighting with him in every book, in every movie, and just like his parents, I never left his side. Same goes for divergent. I felt like I grew up with Tris Prior. I've only read up to Insurgent, but I've known her since she was 16 and finding out in herself that she didn't belong in abnegation. Her panic in understanding in what it was to be different and having to hide it and fall in line to secure your safety?  I couldn't understand more. Harry and Tris are both important people to me because I was able to connect with them. To me that is key. In that case, How to Get Away With Murder has got me.

I am so involved in these characters, it is unbelievable. I think it even helped to bring in a familiar face for me to, and I do remember it being one of the bigger pushes to me watching it as well. Alfred Enoch stars in HTGAWM (typing that out everytime was getting to be murder) as Wes Gibbons or amongst the "Keating Five" he was formally known as "wait list" because of his unprepared first day in class was do to him being just allowed in because he was wait listed. If you look at Alfred Enoch closely, or have watched Harry Potter as much as I have, you could tell that he is Dean Thomas from Harry Potter. Dean is a longtime friend between Harry, Ron, Seamus, and really the rest of Gryffindor house. In Order of the Pheonix, Dean Thomas is actually dating Ron Weasley ' s sister, Ginny Weasley. Already, I was hooked from there because it involved Mr. Mudblood Dean Thomas!

However, the character that has really got me clinging to my bed sheets - Sorry Dean -  is Jack Falahee's character Connor Walsh. Connor is the clever, smart guy in the room who also has that sexy appeal to him. It's funny how much he rivals another student in the Keating Five by using his sex appeal to get him what he wants. Now, if you guys know me really well, you guys will also know why he is my absolute favorite. He is more than just a pretty face with a brain. . . That's right readers, you've guessed it; he's gay. (Enter applause)

You don't know how proud I was to find out that he was gay. At the very beginning, you know he's a major character because of the dirty, little secret he's involved in, but you don't find out right off the bat that he's gay. If you've been following along for a while, and if I had posted the paper I wrote my freshman year of college on The Fosters, you'll know that I LOVE it when they don't make it obvious that a character is gay. I just find that in so many shows, four out of five, that the gay character has got to be the traditional stereotypical gay guy with the flamboyant voice and traditional gay attributes. It's insulting. Yes, there are guys with those attributes in the gay community, howevwr, that is not all we are made of! In my paper, I even address how Will from Will & Grace is even made out to be a "straight - acting" gay guy with feminine attributes and is even sought out to end up with Grace!  We are a community with as wide a range of personalities as any other community, and it's about mother fucking time they noticed it!

What made Connor so much more meaningful to me was the fact that he was actually even competent. More so, he and his life are both relevant! How many times do you get the gay character that can't stop focusing on himself enough to be fucking competent in anything that the rest of the cast is doing! In addition, how many times do we actually find a good representation of a gay guy and then he's only seen for fucking 5 minutes and then he's never seen again, and if he is, he's only there for only five more fucking minutes! We don't ever get to know him or what his real attributes are like; they just so happened to have leaked that he was gay, or they probably blurted it out just to say they had a gay character, and exempt him from the show and claim to the public that they are proud to include a gay character. Bull. Shit.

In HTGAWM, everything Connor does has an impact on the show, his life, and the Keating Five. I believe in either the first or the second episode, he reveals that he is gay by seducing a member of the jury or a client and it works in their favor, also shooting at the sexual appeals of his rival, Michaela. Can we just stop to talk about this for a moment! The fact that his rival is supposed to be fucking Aja Naomi King is fucking awesome! She's an incredible actress, she's fucking gorgeous, and she's a great advocate for a black woman. Usually in these kinds of shows, there are two girls battling between sex appeal and brains, but in this case, they brought a King and a Queen. ( Ba Dum Dum) In this show, both of them are great looking people with great brains.

Back to Connor, the show holds him at being a little promiscuous, but as I'm growing up, I'm learning that what young adult isn't? It's not like they are doing it because he's gay and that's a stereotype, most young adults are just a little over horny, trust me, I know what I'm talking about! Even his colleague, Asher, is the same way! It is just nice to see that for once there is a character that can represent for those of us in the community who are so widely underrepresented. The nice thing is, a tiny spoiler, he grows out of being the obnoxious, sex crazing guy he is and "gets comfy."

In addition to Connor, and this is just me being the horny, young adult I am, you get to see some really good looking guys! Good thing is, everyone in the show so far is actually very attractive, but this guy Charlie Weber has got me running to all my girlfriends! I must have told almost 100 people about this guy. Google even knows when I'm going to search him up and what picture I want. Naturally, I don't go for the skinny and in fit guys as much, however, the second I seen that guy, I was fully hooked onto the show. He's not as big a character as Connor or the rest of the Keating Five, but he does have a pretty major role.

This show is a fantastic show. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone under the age of 16, but it is absolutely incredible. I am the furthest thing from being included in the topic of law, and this show still appeals to me. I think what this show has really even done to me has made me make that final push to thinking that I want to be a professor. For the longest time, I've always thought about being a twacher, but I could never find the age group that I liked enough to put up with it. On top of that, teaching jobs are hard to come by and there isn't anything within the couple subjects that schools teach that I would really want to teach to the extent I would want to. I have the patience to be a teacher and I think I have the personal skills for it as well. I think if I could be anything, I would want to be just like Annalise, just without the dirty little secrets everywhere.

I would love to teach my own class and then have my own little group of interns to work under me and I can get to know them all individually and I can build them up and set them off into the workplace, maybe even make my own office and have them work for me. I just love the idea of getting to be a role model just as she was. To have people look up to me and want to be me as people look up to Annalise and want to be like her. I would love to have that diverse group of interns that we all have something in common and individually we have even more in common and just becoming a good group altogether is amazing to me.

I have a research study that I take part in on campus that makes me feel almost how I would imagine Annalise makes the Keating Five feel. Everytime I am in the classroom with my professor and the other students, I feel special. Honorable. When she speaks about certain things, she keeps an extra eye out for us and we sneak glimpses at each other knowing that we're the special group she'll be talking about. Moreover, we've even got our own research lab! We've decorated it, brought in chairs and snacks and stuffs. I even go there in between classes as my time to get away. We've just gotten so comfortable in there and it has really given me that connected feeling to ESU that I always wanted in a college. In that form, is what I would want to give to kids in the future along with my own profession on the side.

How To Get Away With Murder is a must see. I have told everyone about this show because it is truly a show that needs to be known out there because of the underlying strengths that it carries. All of the first season is up on netflix and Hulu and the second season is playing on all the major news channels - excluding Fox and NBC - at 10 o'clock (I don't know what central, I guess 9?) on Thursdays. Please give this show a watch because that will make it continue to grow and we need more shows like this on TV that can actually benefit society.

That's it for today's post. I hope you guys had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. I enjoy writing about topics like this. They just flow so much better for me, especially since I've probably told this story almost 40 times. I hope to write again soon, and check out the show! Tell me what you think! I'd love to hear how everyone feels about it.  Or even just to say Hi! I have slowly been looking into more and more posts. I know these things are mostly internal, I love to hear from people, so I assume so do others.

Have a great weekend everyone!
~Be Breezy!~

Making Us Look Bad

Good morning guys, I know it's been a while, and I'm sure you're expecting the same usual BS. Well, that's good because that's really all it is. (Enter shameful emoji)

Today's post is brought to you by an experience I've been having in my Intro to Cultural Diversity lecture class. I can only hope that my writing is getting better as time goes on; however, being that I keep taking such huge hiatuses, it may be getting worse. But this post is mainly to get my thoughts out, however crude they may be, and hopefully get some feedback or answer my own questions.

I have an 8 AM lecture class that is required for my minor in Sociology and required for most other people's majors and minors, whatever they may be. In difference to some others, I actually find this course interesting, which I assume should be important if it is related to your choice of field. I actually care about what the professor is talking about and find the information interesting and engaging from time to time. Now, because I'm saying that I find the topics interesting doesn't mean that I don't find some parts uninteresting and boring. To all wide range courses, there are parts you like and dislike. In general, I think there are parts of things that you like and dislike, but you have to take the good with the bad. In fact, this course was going to be the deciding factor on if I was going to keep sociology as my minor because I didn't find the first course I took, Intro to Sociology, that interesting. It turned out to be my professor that I found less interesting than the course itself, which is good because it means I have a good professor this semester to keep me engaged. The problem this semester lies with this insanely rude student in the class.

This is a class of AT LEAST 100 students! The fact that ONE student could annoy me this much is insane! I never used to notice him until after he presented his project with his group. His group's topic of choice was nothing interesting and his performance was dull to say the least. What made him stand out to me was that he was obviously gay.

People like this always stand out to me because of their strength and their egos. They stand out to me because despite what the general population of males may think about guys who are flamboyant and for lack of a better term shoot rainbows or a purse falls out when the talk, they stay true to who they are and they do it with pride. This guy in particular where's the tight skinny jeans, the long, flowing cardigans, talks in a very effeminate voice, and paints his nails. I think the nails is what caught me right off the bat.

I remember painting my nails when I was little. I thought I looked soo cool. My older sister and mom did it, so I thought I would be just like them. And then my parents seen what I had done. My parents were obviously disapproving and made me take it off immediately. I never cared about it much growing up, it was just one of those things we did when we were little and got in trouble and never bothered with it again. I don't think about it now and I'm not jealous of the kid that wears it, I'm just proud of him for wearing it outright and proud.

So why does he bother me? No doubt he made me proud and made me feel like I wasn't alone. He stood up against stigma and fought it off of him. He stays himself among anything else. Why does he annoy me to my last nerve? Because of the rest of his character.

Ever since I noticed him that day, EVERY time I'm in class, I know he's there. Not because I can see him, and not because I find him attractive. (Gross) It is because I can hear is rude, obnoxious ass.

Every class period, this guy is fucking belching up a storm and talking over the professor about the STUPIDEST shit! He'll be complaining, or talking about what he's doing or what he would want to be doing, or gossiping, or talking about someone, and those kind of people aggravate the SHIT out of me!

It would be one thing if I only heard him or he only annoyed me whenever I had to sit near him, but he's obnoxiously annoying from everywhere in the room! He always sits in the back left corner of the room and his voice just fucking travels; mainly because everyone else is fucking quiet. One day, I had to sit next to him because I was already late and I didn't want to be picky on where I sat, so I sat next to him and a friend of mine who is friends with him. I never wanted to hit someone as bad as I did that morning.

This guy kept fucking complaining that he was getting sick, and then how he was going to shop online, asking our mutual friend if she liked the sweater he was going to buy, and why he should get it, and other clothes that were ugly, and how he wanted to go get coffee. I shit you not, this is the short list of what he actually did. What made it all so much worse was that he knew he was being obnoxious, and he was feeding off of it.

Today was just as bad, if not considerably worse. Today, the professor won't off lecture and started to talk about an experience that had touched him personally about genocide. He went on about the topic and even broke down and started crying because of how strongly this topic meant to him, and the kid was still being obnoxious and whatnot. I was unbelievably infuriated that the kid could not even hold himself together while the professor is pouring his heart out in front of the class and couldn't help myself from shooting him dirty looks for the remainder of the lecture.

So why did I choose to write about him? I'm in college now, I've had TONS of people annoy me in this manner before, if not worse! What makes this guy special enough to make me write about him? The impression be leaves behind.

Over the summer, the United States courts finally did the right thing and legalized gay marriage in all 50 states. This was an incredible victory for the gay community, and I wish I could have gotten myself to post something before I went to work that day, but I couldn't. After the initial excitement and tears and feelings had been gradually eradicated, I couldn't help feeling like we still aren't where we need to be. No doubt, we passed an incredible milestone and have come a long way, however, our fight and struggle are not over. We still have battles of stigma we need to fight. What about our Transgender brother and sisters? What about the youth that kill themselves and struggle with the knowledge that coming out could mean dire repercussions and exile from family and friends. What about that guy that doesn't know that being gay doesn't have to change who you are?

What makes this guy different from anyone else to me is the impact that he has on other people's meaning of what it is to be gay. I remember my dad and my assistant manager talking about how "all gay guys are catty and throw themselves out there, etc." What this kid is doing is proving to some people that that stigma is true. He's showing how we only care about ourselves and be obnoxious, etc. Guys like him make it hard for guys like me who come out because we don't want to be stigmatized that way just because we're gay.

Standing on the inside, however, I understand and know that it shouldn't be looked at that way, but sadly, it is. I know that he shouldn't be looked at as a spokesman for gay people, but when the population is scarce and uncommon, that's what happens. He didn't ask to be, just like I didn't ask to be, but we are; the difference is, I plan to use it to benefit the community.

As I continue to write and rant, I can see how my arguments can sound kind of weak and may seem like I'm picking at straws, but to me, that's what I see. It's what racist people see whenever they see that ONE black guy act obnoxious, and that's what bigots and ignorant people will see when they see him. No matter where we go or what we do, we are constantly being watched and constantly being stigmatized. It is our job to turn that into a proactive thing. I'm not saying to change who you are as a person, because trust me, I am far from perfect! What I am saying is watch what you do and where you do it, because it can sometimes be your footprint that people find.

That's my rant for the day. I'm still deciding on if I want to confront this kid publicly or do I want to do it gracefully and pull him to the side. The problem is that this kid isn't going to take me seriously unless I make an impact, but I have to remember that this is college and that things don't work out as easily as they should. Let me hear your guys' input, I'd love to hear what you guys think.

Enjoy your weekend,
~Be Breezy ~

The Hunt For A Gay Best Friend

When I was 16, which feels like YEARS ago, I began this blog to document who I was and how I was feeling. My posts reflected my fay to day interactions with people and their ignorance, my parents and their ignorance, and my internal struggles with love and loneliness. In one of my first posts, I wrote about community and how it can effect people. I also wrote another post talking about the public's right to know if you're gay, to help create community. Recently, those posts have been racing through my mind constantly.

As most of you know, I no longer struggle with a life without love. I have been in a relationship for almost a year and a half, and I couldn't be happier. I have someone to love, kiss, hold, cuddle, etc. But that's not all I want. What I would like is to have that group of friends where we share that common feature: being gay.

About a week ago (cue song and dance) I was talking to Kyle, the boyfriend, about making other gay friends. We have friends that consist of my brother and our mutual best friend, and two of his clients. I also have my friends, who I admit I rarely ever get to see these days, that I made through my previous job that I love very much, but from this point of view, it just doesn't seem the same. The problem is I won't know until I actually have another gay friend. One with similar interests and that I can just hang out with.

I told him that I had created a scruff, gay app, to meet other gay people. He made a joke about it the night before I made one, so it had actually got me thinking. Those apps aren't solely for dating! People go on there all the time just to meet different people! Granted there are a lot of guys on there who just want to have sex and date, but there are people on there that just want to meet other gay guys to hang around. Unfortunately, I deleted it because I felt that Kyle wasn't approving of it and felt some type of way, whether he wanted to admit to it or not. I felt guilty about it from the start because I knew that that's how a lot of other gay guys just found hook ups. Sadly, that's what most of the guys on there were looking for; if it wasn't about dick, then you weren't it.

But if that's the case, how's another gay guy to meet another gay guy with similar interests? I wish I could say I could just go to clubs or the bars, but I haven't reached that stage in my life yet. I thought being 18 was going to be fucking great! I could get into clubs, go to strip clubs, I'm a legal age, etc. NOPE. I can smoke and that's it for the most part. Nowadays, night life prefers people to be 21 to enter so they don't need to worry about illegal alcohol consumption. JUST. MY. LUCK.

I wish I could say that I could just walk up to people and have a conversation, but even that's just not as easy anymore. For one thing, it's hard enough to even find out if someone is gay! Sometimes you get a very accurate guess, however, that is all it is - a guess. What if you're wrong?  Then what? Awkward pause and then pray to God that you can play that shit the fuck off! Then you've just got a wierd story to tell everytime you see the guy.

I even really suck with picking out if someone is gay! I couldn't tell my coworker was gay until he said and then when he did, it all can into perspective! Sometimes just looking for stereotypes isn't the trick. Most people can't determine if I'm gay because I don't follow a lot of those stereotypes. I don't have a high pitched voice, the gay lisp, walk with a strut, dress any different than any other guy, or talk with my hands. I actually put on a gay front, if you will, to actually give people an incite that I'm gay. I act very over the top excited, say phrases like "Hey girl, hey!" To everyone, and say things like "hair flip" or quote Beyonce. Sometimes I'll even wear my pride bracelet to let people in a bigger incite incase they don't catch those hints.

I don't hide any of those features because I think about how it would affect me if I saw another guy doing that. My stomach would drop due to excitement, my heart would lunge for the connection, and my brain would scramble due to the series of interactions that occur. I would be overly estatic if I seen that because that would mean another opportunity to meet someone else like me, more so because I actually enjoy being like that. I would hope that even if they weren't out of the closet, they could find trust in me to have that conversation with me and I pick up on it. After all, that's all I ever wanted growing up.

What makes me most upset, is the fact that I have seen a generous amount of gay people lately, of course while I'm at work, and they're just so rude. They may not even be rude, but they are just outright sassy, and don't care. It's as if they give me that same look our entire community has been given just for being gay. It's almost like a look of "I don't have time for you or your silly questions or gaymes. I figured it out by myself, so can you." I know that look because I've seen it in my boyfriend. I know that look because at one point I had given it in one way or another.

What ever happened to being there for each other? What happened to just stopping for a moment and talking? Why does it seem so impossible to build a relationship with someone else so like you, but easier to dismiss them because you don't want to be bothered? Probably two weeks ago, I was at work where I see this guy every couple of nights and my "gaydar" goes off. He was a cute cub. he looked like a really cool and sweet genuine guy. Minutes later, I see him at the deli counter ordering and holding his boyfriend. Briefly, I see them share a kiss. It warmed my heart to see because naturally I feel like I'm the only gay guy for miles. But I know I'm not because my boyfriend is with me, making us the only two gay guys for miles, which can be very challenging for me at times because it makes me feel as though all eyes are on us and it makes me feel a little vulnerable. 
After they are done at the deli, they walk into the produce department, my department. At this point, my heart is racing. I'm ties between just not saying anything at all because I'm afraid of the rejection and how wierd it may come off, or being genuine and telling them how I really felt about it. What actually scared me was the thought of them being how my boyfriend would react if someone had complimented us. One time (what?! Another story while telling another one? Yeah, I'm trying something new.) me and Kyle were walking down the Jersey shore boardwalk hand in hand and another guy broke away from his group of friends and came over to tell us that we were the cutest couple and that he was happy for us. I genuinely said thank you and told him how much I appreciated it, but was kind of cut off by my boyfriend giving him a brief "uh-huh, thanks" and kept moving. Kyle solely thought the guy was just being a dick, but I thought the better of him.

It even happened while we were on vacation that another guy came over to talk to us just because we were gay and he wanted to express that it didn't matter and that his brother was gay. Kyle acted a little more genuine and continued talking, but he still wasn't very approving of what went on. He absolutely hates it when people just talk to us to give us their verification, as if we need it. However, I enjoy it. It shows me that the world is changing. Not all of us actually get to see it. He works in a profession that is very gay friendly - I do not. As of right now, I work in a grocery store in the produce department; no one is expecting me to be gay. I don't get to see the friendlier side of people with that all the time. Most of the time, I get the crazy older generation complain about us. It's nice to hear other straight people go out of their way to compliment us, because it is truly a compliment.

Back to the original story, I decided that I want to tell the couple how I felt about their kiss. I thought of it in my own shoes, I enjoy hearing that and it warms my heart, who's to say that they won't feel the same way? The cute cub did. As soon as I started talking, he cut me off and said "uh-huh, thanks." I had gotten halfway through the sentence to where I had saw the kiss and I thought it was cute and he just brushed me off and kept walking. He hardly acknowledged me; part of me thinks that he was half scared of what I was going to say so he just darted off because he didn't want to hear anything bad, but that would be me thinking the better of people. I know why he walked away.

That gave him a very bad look in my book. What is so bad about just accepting a compliment and building upon that? Honestly, it made him seem very sassy and rude, which is what I'm sure those people thought of Kyle whenever he dismissed them like that. Sad thing is he doesn't care, and neither do other guys who do this. They don't care how it comes off or what it does. I think about those repercussions and take them very seriously, mainly because they do not do us justice.

What they do is reinforce a stereotype. They reinforce the idea that we are very sassy and rude. That we believe ourselves to be above everyone and are uppity. That we don't want anything to do with the rest of the world unless it benefits us. I don't want to be looked at that way, and I certainly don't want to be referred to in that manner. Main thing is, he never even got to truly hear what I had to say, and now, he probably never will. He may not have known that I was gay, too, but would it have mattered if I was? To me, it should.

I believe you should want to make connections with people who share your community. Why not build and form a friendship? Some strong sensibility that makes us as gay people stronger. Who wouldn't want that? The black community does. That's why they formed together to create their own channel, their own movements, their own traditions. The 99 percent does. That's why they create their own marches, speeches, and outreach programs. The art community. That's why they have art shows, art sales, and contests. Why shouldn't we follow that example? More so, why shouldn't we branch out that community to our straight allies? They are who's votes truly mean a lot. They are our friends, our family, our neighbors, and our government. Why wouldn't you want to give them the opportunity to see who we truly are? Some people may not think a lot of this, but I do. And I think it's important.

I'm still on the hunt for a gay best friend. Someone just to hang out with. Go get dinner, work out with, be athletic with, etc.  I would prefer someone who was a part of the bear community as well, but being a part of the gay community is just as good. With this post, please remember that every interaction leaves a mark. Let's not leave a bad one.

~Be Breezy ~