The Real Gay Agenda

I am soo sorry to have disappeared on such a huge hiatus. Sadly to say, I still only have my same excuse of, "Life got ahold of me." A lot has changed since my last post, things that I hope to inform you all of a lot sooner than later. However, today's post is going to be something I have been trying to write about since I created this blog. This post actually was created as my second essay for my English composition class. The topic was to convince the reader to want to watch a show, so I decided to make this my first post in my return, however, it will go from being entirely a persuasive to be a conversation and a completion of my professor's questions and remarks. So without further ado, grab some tea and let's have a go!

All gay people are disgusting! Having unprotected sexual encounters, and not to mention molesting kids! (Yes professor, one of the WORST completely unfounded misconception ever!) All they want to do is ruin the fundamentals of life, marriage, and our youth! They can't really have kids, so what are they really contributing to life? Those flamboyant, dress wearing gays, and butch, masculine lesbians ain't nothin but trouble! Those are all comments that are continuously thrown at the gay community. The gay community is one big generalization to the world. Just look at shows like HBO's Looking and ABC Family's The New Normal. These  shows do nothing but continue these stereotypes hung on the door of what it means to be gay. How will the world ever understand the true gay agenda? First things first, turn on your televisions to ABC Family on Mondays at 9 o'clock, 8 o'clock central, and tune in to the gay community's life on a screen, The Foster's.

Viewers might be asking, "What's wrong with shows like The New Normal and Modern Family? The problem with these shows is the misrepresentation of what a gay person and gay couple look like. All they are doing is suggesting a new conceot, but continuing the same social ignorance and state of mind. What state of mind might these shows be expressing? That every family needs a mommy and a daddy and in ever relationship there is a woman and the man. Yeah, they are absolutely introducing the world to two men being in a relationship, but one of these men were OBVIOUSLY made out to be the girlfriend/mommy, whilst the other is made out to be the boyfriend/daddy. In The New Normal, Justin Bartha is made out to be the man in the relationshio, although he still follows the basic stereotypes of a gay man Meanwhile, his partner, Andrew Rannells, is about as manly as Legally Blonde's Elle Woods.

**Right here I'd like to answer one of my professor's statements. She writes in, "I think it is a 'beginning'. I think it might help the population embrace the concept of same-sex parents..." By "it" she is referring to my argument that each gay couple distinctively includes the idea of man and woman. I completely agree. The idea that both of these men would have to be flamboyant and one more flamboyant than the other keeps the viewers happy through entertainment. The producers have to please the people and the people want to see the flamboyant snaps and the exaggerated words. It is a beginning because at least we are being acknowledged, but is this how we should have been acknowledged from the start? Should we have allowed ourselves to be viewed in this stereotypical manner? My answer to this is pretty mixed.

I would say yes, that we should allow ourselves to be viewed in that way, but only to a certain point. A point that we have passed already. Before, we were only known as the ass fucking she wannabees! At least after those first representations we were seen as just she wannabees. But that's okay! There are gay men who are like that! Have high voices, a little more flamboyant than the rest, and over exaggerate things, and there's nothing wrong with that! If anything, that first view into our community let the world know that those men aren't harmful to people. However, I did say that my answer was double sided.

Like I said, we could be viewed in that manner, but until we reach the time where we realize that those roles are played out and are just plain ignorant. It's 2014 for Pete's sake! We know that not all gay people act like that, so portraying that on TV isn't helping the show, if anything, people are annoyed with that point of view. They know that that's not the only personality out there and they just want to see pure comedy, but not at the expense of their peers, colleagues, brothers and sisters.

**The same concept is applied to Modern Family. Jesse Tyler Ferguson plays our devoted husband, whilst Eric Stonestreet plays our loving stay-at-home "mom" that goes into the obvious field for women once the child is old enough to walk to school by themselves, a teacher. (I hate to say it, but it is true. Every old tv show and history books all say it and they couldn't help but lump the gay men with the women.) This indicates to the viewers that not only are both parties flamboyant, but they must participate in the religious views of man and woman. Not to say that there aren't gay men who are flanboyant, because there are; nor is this to bash the men who act in this manner. Simply,  that these two perpetuate the idea of man and woman being together, just with a different outer concept.

The HBO series Looking is no better. Although, television did make a milestone when they didn't create flamboyant characters, they still followed the bigoted state of mind that all gays want to do is sleep around and lead polygamous relationships because they obviously can't continue a monogamous relationship!  Within the first couple minutes of the first episode, his best friend is calling the main character, Patrick, a prude because he believed in the fundamentals of being in a relationship and not sleeping around. However, just when you start to gain some faith in the gay community, he sleeps with a random guy and does not proceed to have any further connection with him. Augustine, Patrick's best friend, is the artist of the griuo. He is also "the slut) of the grouo. This main character is in a monogamous relationship that he later turns into a threesome with a pornstar. The entire show could never continue without at least one scene for our horny viewers. They even included an episode with a very underexposed parade, Folsom Street Fair. Nothing says we're all about love and family like leather straps, whips, and masks. Way to stand up for the gay community.

All of these shows feed into the bigoted state of mind. When battles like proposition 8 and marriage equality arise, people are going to stick to what they know about gay people; Modern Family,  The New Normal, and heaven forbid, Looking. If the gay community is lucky, the general public will sympathize with Cameron Tucker's bubbly personality, but what the general public needs to see is who exactly they are hurting. They need to see the not all gay people act in the stereo typical fashion, again, not that there is anything wrong with that. They need to see that gay couples are not all about sex and entertainment. That gay families can function without the pairing of a mother and a father. They need to see The Foster's.

The Foster's is the first show to not only focus on a lesbian couple, an interracial lesbian couple at that, but also show a functioning relationship without social biases. A double Whammy! Most shows with heterosexual couples don't even deal with this big an issue is race! This sitcom not only takes on the social controversy of an interracial relationship, but also lesbian one; and they have mastered it beautifully. The couple is represented without bias to their race or their sexuality. Stephanie Foster is the Caucasian, "hard-ass" mom, being that she is a cop, while her wife, Lena Adams Foster, is the strong minded, but understanding principle. At the end of the day, they are presented as just moms. They are both stern when they have to be, but both the cuddling and loving type. And of course, what is any good sitcom with irony to the name? Their last names are Foster and they just so happen to be foster parents and legal parents.

Stephanie Foster, commonly known as Steff, is the biological mother of the eldest son, Brandon Foster, and adopted mother to twins, Marianna and Jesus, and hopefully soon to brother and sister pair, Callie and Jude. She was once married to Brandon's father, Mike, but broke up before the beginning of the actual show because of Steff's truth to being a lesbian. the two except no hard feelings and remain good friends. In actuality, they continue to be partners! However, being as she is a lesbian, of course this means they are partners in crime, literally. What connects Steff to most LGBT people is the loss of her relationship with her father. Her father refuses to acknowledge Steff's "change" which in the end bring them to a heated argument, which leads them on to a path of no return.

Lena Adams Foster is the adopted mother Brandon, Marianna, Jesus, and hopefully soon to Callie and Jude. Lena is the only one who is not biologically related to someone in the Fosters household, which soon brings her distress. She battles with the racism and bigotry of her African American mother, solely because of the challenges her mother thinks Lena will face being that she is of African American and Caucasian descent. She expresses to Marianna that blood cannot make her love for her any stronger, but when given the opportunity to be biologically related to a child will she give up on an opportunity?

This show is great for families. There is something for all age groups to engage and relate to. It has real life events, just with a comedic and dramatic effect put on them. What the show does for families is spark discussion. Interracial marriage, gay marriage, adoption, and correctional facilities are not always easy topics to bring up at the dinner table. And why not discuss feelings about these topics when presented right in front of you? Everything is presented in a family friendly manner, so you should take advantage. When Jesus is having sex, take that opportunity to have a conversation about the responsibilities of sex. When Mike battles alcoholism, take time to express the dangers of drinking. Or a crowd favorite, when little Jude puts on fingernail polish, take time to discuss with that could possibly need or everyone's feelings about it. Take time to discuss with each of these moments mane and tail and responsibilities and consequences behind them to your kids. They're going to learn about them anyway, why not control the learning process? Or if you don't have kids, these are great questions for significant others and other friends. This show not only keeps the viewers guessing, it also keeps all the viewers emotionally engaged. Whether it comes to Brandon's worry for his father, Callie's struggle to get her life together, or Marianna's strive to be accepted, or Jesus is battle with love, or Jude's connection with Connor, the viewer is always left with something to keep running back for more.

The Foster's is an overall great show, and it does wonders for the gay community. For once, we are showing the not every lesbian is "butch". We are shown that not all gay people are promiscuous. Gay people can have a future, and a happy ending. Gay people can have a family and a life afterwards. When people think of gay people, they finally have something realistic to think about. Now, when they think about tearing apart families, they'll have the faces of Jude, Jesus, Marianna, Callie, and Brandon to think about. Family isn't proven by blood, but by love. It's not where you came from, it's where you end up, and the Foster's house is a pretty awesome place to end up.

**To finish up this post, I want to bring up the last couple comments my professor wrote in. One of these comments were the interesting fact that Cam in Modern Family is played by a straight man, meanwhile the "daddy" character is the gay actor. Her question is if it becomes problematic that the straight actor plays the "mom/girlfriend" role. My answer to this is again on the fence.

To have a straight actor play a gay role proves how natural it is. It shows the world that being gay is truly not that big a deal. Just as the person would not freak out about performing a 2 second kiss with the opposite sex, what would be the difference with the same sex? It just shows an immense amount of respect towards the actor. To be able to take your career to a level of maturity of that nature is impressive, because not every actor will go that far, but it shows that we are not so much different.

Now, at the same time, it may be bad, but not in the same circumstance. It is still great that the straight actor doesn't mind playing a gay character, but if the role is in the stereotypical manner, does it help anything? This may make it look like the straight actor believes in these role rigidities, therefore, they never play a gay character with real chracteristics. They may continue to try out for the roles with the same stereotype and never grow.

The main point of this post is to acknowledge the fact that we have finally moved passed the time period that gay people may only be portrayed stereotypically on tv. We still have a couple of those shows coming up, but hopefully the producers are seeing just as quickly as the viewers that we are not amused with these silly Will & Grace remakes. It is time that we were represented as who we truly are, even if that means the public may lose a couple laughs. We want to try and educate people on our culture, and we've got to allow ourselves to be seen. At this time, I'd want to thank straight actors who portray us on TV and in movies with such finesse,  because it is truly wonderful for them to respect our culture enough to portray us and not disrespect it. On behalf of my community, thank you all.

~Be Breezy!~

Mother vs. Father

Well, everyone has heard about how I've felt about my dad, so I guess it's time to write about my mom. The person I first had a connection with. The person who gave me life. The person who I'm most scared to lose. Let's dive in.

I'd have to say I'm a huge mama's boy. It's alright, I admit it! I used to hang around my mother all the time! I used to want her to come with me everywhere,  and whenever she worked too much and we would be away, I would cry and get upset because I missed her soo much. I would get out of the car to chase her back, I was constantly creating these spontaneous, crazy gifts for her for mother's day and her birthday. I'm her youngest, of course I'm a mama's boy because she held onto me the longest! That and because I'm her favorite, whether she wants to admit to it or not.

What makes her different from my dad? My dad always gave off this cold attitude. He was very inapproachable, which wasn't very inviting to me and my friends. My mom is different. She's funny, very inviting, and always has that come bug me look. I am highly sarcastic, and she understood that and would joke with it. Me, my brother, and my cousins always felt like we could just laugh and have a good time with my mother; meanwhile with my dad, he never really joked with us. If I was joking or being sarcastic about something, he'd take it seriously.

One time my mom joked about giving me a beer and she pulled out a water. He gave her a dirty look followed by a, "I was getting ready to slap you upside the head". Obviously it was a joke. But that's the kind of stuff that makes the connection with me. I don't like that I can't joke around with a person. I'm serious when I need to be, not 24/7.

My mom made it easy for us to ask her things because she didn't carry that cols attitude. When my dad said no, it felt personal. Like he was saying no specifically because he didn't like us. I know that's not why, but that's the way it felt, and when you're going to ask something, you kind of want to be let down easily. When we asked her, she would generally joke about saying no, but mean it. It would make for about little wiggle room to get a yes, but it felt more easing when she said no because when she said it, it was no to what we were asking. Plus, when I ask something, she talks to us about it. Whenever my dad talks about something, it doesn't even feel like he's talking to us. It feels like he's talking through us with all this information, which to me, half the time is irrelevant.

Modesty. Now this isn't a huge thing, but it's just something that annoys me about my dad. I know what both my parents have done for me. I know that they have done this on their own and half the time, didn't have the money for it. My dad is constantly boasting to his friends and no in front of us about how he got all this and how he is entitled. I'm the big chief around here, I'm the one who makes the law. Boy you guys don't know how good you got it! Nothing annoys me more. My mom doesn't do that. She's never constantly boasting or anything. She let's everyone admire what she's got and she keeps it pushing. Enter clapping hands emoji here.

So why did I choose to write about this? How am I relating this to being gay? My upbringing versus my coming out. My dad has said since day one that if we were grown up enough to make the decision to be gay, then we were grown up enough to be on our own. He made it very clear that he was against it and does not condone any of it. I have a gay cousin on my mother's side and he was very set on talking to him about it. He wanted to tell him he was wrong for it and it is because he grew up with all women. But he wouldn't take that out of us; we grew up with a man around. My sister used to tell me that I shouldn't even tell my dad in person because he may cause harm because of it. His entire feelings towards the matter created a bigger disconnection than anything.

I lost any interest in somebody who would only always try to change me. Since I was younger, if I had acted not manly in any sense, I was made known of it and told to stop it immediately. He made me scared to be me. I realized quickly that who I was, I couldn't admit to him. I never connected anything of what I was doing to be gay, I was just being me, which obviously my dad didn't like. So I tightened up. I created this false version of myself, which soon became me. Whenever I fell out of that tight rope of a personality, I became paranoid and would bug my friends about it.

Soon, I realized it was ok to be me. There was nothing wrong with the way I acted or the way I did things, it was my dad who had the problem. I liked who I was and who I am. I figured, if he didnt, then don't stick around me. I began to stray away from him so that he didn't have time to say anything, or he didn't have enough time to process it. He had already morphed me enough, as I grow to be the man I'm going to be, I have to like me, I don't need to care about what anyone else thinks. Naturally, this created a very thick wall between us, one I was not willing to let down.

My mom was a little bit different. She never told us that she would kick us out for being gay, but she still made it very clear that she was against it. She would say things like little faggot, or it looks faggish. She would tell us that it was ungodly and how it would never be accepted. She told me, there was no place for people like that.

My mom had this ability to hurt my feelings. Not something many people have. Most of the time, I brush off what people think about me or something else. What they said didn't affect me, and if it was about me, you were way too irrelevant to me and or your word didn't mean shit to me. But with her, ever since I was a kid, I would be upset with her because she had said something that deeply hurt me. This is no different.

She made me scared to be me because of fear of losing her. Even if she didn't kick me out, she wouldn't like me. What if she referred me to be the little faggot or everything I did to be very faggish? It would hurt. Especially coming from someone who I loved very much and didn't want to lose. I created that tight rope of a personality to keep her in my life. I figured she wouldn't like me if I was anything else. It wasn't fair, and it wasn't fun.

I remember how she would make me feel. Whenever she talked about gay people, she was disgusted. She would say that they are all diseased and they had no place. I knew not to believe her ignorant comments, but it still hurt. To think, that's what she thought of me. I remember when we were in the car one day and being gay came up somehow and I said people don't care anymore and she responded with no matter how much time passes, they will NEVER be accepted. I remember in that moment, I just wanted to jump out of the moving car right into traffic.

More than anything all I wanted was for her to continue liking me and stay in my life. I realized that if I had told her about me, she would never like me again. Recently she would talk to me about being gay and I asked her what would she do if I was and she responded with I wouldn't know what to do. Whenever my friends would ask me why aren't I out to my mom, I would relate them to my biggest fear: I'm not out to my mom because I can't deal with the reality of her not being able to look at me. Whenever I walked into the kitchen, she wouldn't utter a word to me because she wouldn't like who I was. I never felt any closer to that until that night that she told me she wouldn't know what to do. I knew it would take her time, but I myself couldn't deal with those 2-3 weeks of her not being able to look at me.

This passed weekend, I was outed to my mom by my aunt. She said She needed to know. My biggest fear was beginning to become a reality and I had no control over it.

I was planning to come out to her. Just not now. I knew if I came out to her, I would then have to tell my dad. Which again, I was not prepared for. I would have sat her down and talked to her about who I was and how I got here. How I felt so alone. How years ago I hated myself for it. How I tried nothing more than to change myself. Then how it changed me; broadened my horizons. How I became a better person because of it. What brought me here. What support groups I had. Everything.

I wanted her to be apart of my life that I had accepted. This life that I loved more than anything. I wanted to show her with how happy I was. The amount of people who didn't care. The friends I have made because of the connections. The creativity it had brought me. The love it had connected me to.

I wasn't intending her to find out that way. If anything, I would have never guessed that out of everyone, my aunt was the one who would hurt both me and my mother in this way. After all, she had a gay son who lived with her. Why would she want to hurt us both like that? To have somebody who could now understand?  I don't think so, I don't believe she's that kind of person. I believe she was just as drunk as my cousins were saying. Either way, it wasn't right for her to take that away from me. I was supposed to tell her myself. Not have my mom find out from her aunt who may have just wanted to be even.

But now I've got to deal with this,  and then soon after with my father. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, but these are the cards I have been dealt and now I've got to play them with the best strategy I can give: honesty. It's time to play the cards, let's see how they unfold.

Finally. . .

Hey everyone! I'm sorry for being MIA for the last couple of months. You know how life is, it picks up. And boy oh boy, mine has certainly picked up! Sit down, grab your drink, and let's talk.

In my last post, I broke down and completely admitted my problem. I swallowed my pride and I said it. I'm lonely. For months, I had been drowning in my own pain and being consumed by it. I was waiting for love to pass me by so I could finally feel completed. I didn't have anyone to cuddle with, no one to share affection towards, and no one to ditch my friends for. As a result of this, I began to create problems that didn't exist in my head. I would indulge myself elsewhere and create a well focused problem to veer my loneliness. In conclusion, I wasn't in the right state of mind. . .

Now, to my readers who read closely at what I was saying in that last paragraph, you'll notice a change in pace. "I would; I wasn't; I didnt." That's all past tense words! That's right everyone, my time has come.

No longer will I be drowning in my own sorrows of loneliness. No longer will I have to be told, "My time will come," Or "He's coming as fast as he can!" And especially, "You can't go looking for him." I had hated being told that stuff, and it had never helped anything. But now, that's over. My time has come, he's finally made it, and I can stop looking for him.

Now I'm sure EVERYONE wants to hear how I met my handsome change of pace! As much as I hated hearing, "You can't go looking for him," ironically enough, I looked for him! It was back towards the end of April where I had my National Honor Society "Passing of the Torch" ceremony where us graduating NHS members were handing off our positions to the following class NHS members.

That day had been a complete blow to me because I had to go get something done for my car, which ALWAYS meant, my dad was coming. Now, I didn't mind too much because my dad is a good heckler, so he could get me a good deal. But in turn, he was around to lecture me and bug me. After we checked some things out, while he was inside, I decided to wipe my car down and when he came out, judgement came along with him.

Of course, he eyed down my outfit and complained that my clothes were way too tight and how I didn't have to follow the crowd. He had been telling me and my brother to be leaders and to create our own style for years, but the second I come up with a style I like, he's got everything to say about it! I brushed it off as I normally do and continued to ask him if I could go to wing night with a couple of friends. As I explained in a previous post, all wing night is is just a cheap dinner with a bunch of broke friends. We all have bills and shit to pay for, so we don't always have money for Red Robin's (Yum!), or chili's! So why not take advantage of a cheap, well cooked dinner?!

He continued with his usual, you always go to wing night, and then lectured me about who I was going with because one of my friends is gay and the rest of them are girls, to which he proceeded to tell me no, I couldn't go. At this point, I was completely infuriated. Not only was I going to the NHS induction ceremony by myself, but I also couldn't go to celebrate this evening with my friends! To see all my peers and the other kids getting worshipped and praised by their parents, I sat alone in on stage, not getting cheered for, and feeling more lonely than ever.

I didn't want to stay for cake and be surrounded by a bunch of people I didn't know or even cared about, so directly after the ceremony, I left and went to wing night anyways to at least catch up with my friends. I joked around with two of my friends from work and explained I couldn't stay long. I soon pointed out three guys in the room who had caught my eye in a joking matter, but I would have pounced on them in a second! This is where things picked up. . .

I knew the one guy I pointed out was the owner, so he was one: too old for me. And two: not gay. But between the other two guys, the one guy really caught my eye. This guy had been everything I had always dreamed in a man! He was blonde, he had pretty blue eyes, a beard, glasses, and had been chunky in all the right places! I couldn't believe it, and I was ogling over him the entire time!

Soon after I told my friends, I believe he looked up at me, to where I did what any smart man would do when they get caught looking. . . Quickly turn away and pretend you weren't staring!!! After we both exchanged a couple of looks, he got up and went to the bathroom. A lot of time passed in between those looks, so I thought nothing of it. He was obviously older than me, and he probably wasn't even gay! I assumed there wasn't much to look at, so he glanced over here. As soon as we seen him disappear into the bathroom, my friends push me to go into the bathroom with him. After a completely ludicrous argument, I finally gave into their pleading and went into the bathroom with him. Whilst in there, I complimented him on his shoes, which he then uttered in the cutest, highest, flamboyant voice, "Thanks!"

I was astonished. I couldn't believe it. I find a handsome guy that I'm attracted to, and he actually turns out to be gay! This excited me, but I still wasn't willing to go talk to him. He was still probably 10 years older than me, so there was no point to me. Then we continued to exchange looks between each other, where I continued to giggle, squeal, and panic like a little school girl. Finally, my friends gave me a push when his friend disappeared, and I thought he saw me; I figured, he's seen me look at him and now getting pushed, might as well! I thought I'd never see him again, and I happened to eat my words when he said, "You're soo cute!" After I extended my offer to take him to dinner.

That night, we texted until midnight, where we made plans to meet for dinner that friday. Five dates later, I had asked him to be my boyfriend and another date after that, he told me yes. Ever since May 2, 2014, I had been a very happy, committed man.

Now we face a new challenge, long distance. But that'll be for another post! Maybe after my first day or week in West Virginia. Until then everyone, take care. And as always,

~Be Breezy~

I Admit It...

I don't know how structured this will be more how long this will be. I normally have a flow of ideas going, but not this time. I'm going to try something that I don't do very often... Open up.

I never really open up; It's just not who I am. I had been raised to deal with my own problems and learned as I grew up not to complain. But lately, bottling things up just haven't been the answer. So I came here to start. To express how I feel. To admit what I had been denying for years now.

I'm lonely. I'm lonely and it bugs me, a lot. It bugs me so much that... That I can't even compare it to anything. Every waking moment I am sulking in it. I'm bottling up the tears that are desperate to come out because to me it sounds ridiculous. It sounds incredibly selfish and childish to be upset over something like that. Everyday people are starving and are running on E all the time, but that's one of my biggest issues?

Maybe It's because I'd been single for almost my entire life. I'm not okay with that. I'm a very cuddly and loving person, and I never got to express that towards anyone. My first "relationship" was when I was 10 and it lasted almost 9 months. I don't really count that because I was 10 for Christ's sake! I didn't give a rats ass about what we were! We had never even held hands let alone kissed! The most relationship part of that relationship was the fact that we talked on the phone everyday for about an hour, which I did with my regular friends anyways. After that ended, I hadn't really dated anyone else. I might have had two "relationships" after that til now, but they weren't real.

I describe them as "relationships" because it was just junior high school and mainly pity. I was maybe 11 and those girls didn't really like me, nor did I like them. We all had our sites set elsewhere. Granted mines was on my gay music teacher... But none of then were real. They felt bad for me and we were friends before that, so they didn't want to hurt me. So they said yes, only to end in then breaking up with me because "we were better as friends."

I had never dated anyone I really wanted to be with. At that, I had never dated anyone period, which just starts to weigh on a person like me. To look back through the years and see that no one could or would reciprocate the love that I coukdve given is saddening. I've always been told I'd make the perfect boyfriend, but no one ever gave me the chance to be. It makes me feel unwanted.

Everywhere I go I am reminded that I have no one to love me. No one to comfort me when I am sad; no one to call me annoying at times, but they love me anyways; and no one to go out with me. Everytime I go to work, my friends will talk about how they have another date with another guy, yet I'm over here listening, and waiting for my turn to arrive.

I've always been told that my time will come. I know it will. Chances are, I will meet a wonderful guy and get married and have kids and live happily ever after... But that's not what I'm upset about and that is certainly not what bothers me day in and day out. What bothers me is the journey there. The constant lunches by myself. The frequent nights I spend alone. The void of "I love you's" being passed around. Those moments where time seems to stand still and you feel on too of the world. Those days where you are just exhausted and all you want to do is lie down, talk about your day, and relax with the person you love, but none of that can be brought to life because you're still waiting for your time to come.

I wanted to be in love more than anything. It was my main push in my coming out process. I wanted to come out of the closet to be free of the rumors and questions that brought upon embarrassment and stress, but there was a much bigger reason. To find love. To find a guy who would care for me and show it to me everyday. To be able to date and explore my options. To be able to know how to be in a relationship so when I'm 25 looking for a partner, I'll know what I'm doing. But it didn't work out that way...

When I came out, I felt that huge weight get propped up. I felt as though I didn't have to hide and like I could be me. I had that feeling of acceptance without judgement and it felt phenomenal. But after all of that, I felt alone. Isolated. Lost. That huge weight was a lot lighter, but still there. I had no one who was like me. I had no one to get into a "relationship" with. I had eradicated my chance to date anyone, to be in a position where I couldn't date anyone. I felt better knowing I wasn't hurting anyone or wasting some girl's time by dating me, but I was hurting.

I know my time will come and that is the last thing I want to hear. I know my prince is coming as fast as he can, I don't want to hear that either. I know I'm young and have the rest of my life to date and should enjoy my youth! But the truth is, I can't. I wish people would stop telling me all those things. What I really need and want... Is a hug. Just a long warm hug. A hug of reassurance. A hug of hope.

I'm sorry this was such a depressing post, but this was something I had to het out. I always come off as such a happy go lucky guy, but everyone has their dark moments, and this is mine. My name is Kaseem Parsley, and I'm Lonely.

~Be Breezy~

I'm Jealous

One of the most annoying things people can say, and my dad always says, is gay people make the choice to be gay. They always say how they don't feel bad for them when they get bullied or treated unfairly because they wished it upon themselves. They asked for it by leading the lives that the bible calls a sin. But it you think about it... That really doesn't make sense.

Now I'm not saying that gay people are necessarily born gay, because I don't have any clue. However, I will say two things: if I made the decision to be gay, I certainly don't remember making it and it must've really stuck because of how hard I've tried to change. Two, why would I chose to be gay if I knew it would lead my life to such danger and despair? Why would I constantly and deliberately chose to live a life where I could be potentially attacked because someone foesnt think It's right? That doesn't even make sense! All those kids who killed themselves because they felt that it was all over for them, why didn't they just change if it was a choice?! If they were getting bullied to the point they felt suicide was their only answer, why didn't they just decide to be straight? Because if that was the case, don't you think they would have done it?

Now this post isn't about whether or not being gay is a choice or if you're born that way. I don't think I could write a post on that because there is just no way to tell for sure. Although I could make a good argument as to why we would be born that way, but frankly, it doesn't matter to me. Who cares?! Why does it matter? What would that change? The person is still gay! Or trans or bisexual! Who are you to tell then otherwise?!

No. This post is about a gay person's jealousy, and not only any gay person's, mine. In one of my previous posts, I wrote about how everything that was bad that happened to me, I blamed on being gay. I'm jealous of the people who don't have to deal with that. All those people who just have accidents, can just call them accidents. There was a time when I used to be a lot worse, but currently, It's still there. Faint, but still there. I crashed my car because I was a gay best friend. If I were straight, I wouldn't have had that problem. I would have told her no and hung out with the guys because I wouldn't have found her attractive and cared.

I'm jealous of the guys who have support from all ends. The people who come out of the closet and get praised from their parents, I'm jealous. I wish I had that! Instead, I get lecture after lecture about why I shouldn't be gay and how it is not the way to live. Instead, I get to worry everyday about getting kicked out of my house because my parents found out that I'm gay. Instead, I get to live a double life that must not intersect. I'm happy for those people who get the support we all crave, but I wish I had it.

I'm jealous of the LGBT people who have the sexiest friends that all share the same trait: their homosexuality. They hang out all the time and post pictures on instagram about how gay they are and how they always have a good time, while I get lectured about how all my friends are girls and they'll take advantage of me. While they get to hang around each other and talk about boys, I'll hang out with my straight friends and be forced to listen to them ogle and fantasize about girls, while they ignore and shut out anything gay. Or I can hang out with my girl friends and be one of the girls and be forced to listen to guy troubles and only their problems. All those guys who have bromances with their gay friends and just have fun. If I had gay bear friends, we could have as much fun as those guys on ny instagram feed have.

I'm jealous of those guys that get to date other hot guys. They get to go to these bear runs and gay clubs and party with all these guys that all want to hook up too and have a good time, while I'm over here working. Instead of getting to cruise guys at the bars or on scruff, I get to pick from the selection of girls I don't want to date! There aren't any gay guys around here that are my age, and if they are, they're not my kind of cute! I don't get that huge selection of people to date from. I am forced to stay single and datwless until I move out on my own.

I'm jealous of those guys that are always in new relationships or even in just one great one. They post all of these adorable pictures of them being such a cute couple, while I am single over here, have never been in a real relationship let alone gone on a date, and cuddle with my teddy bears. Those guys get cute text messages, almost always have someone yo hang out with, and have someone who cares for them. I would kill to have that. To have someone who likes to talk to me. Someone who wants to take pictures with me and play music. Someone who sends me cute little texts that make me smile. Someone who fights with me because we never hang out. Someone who just wants to cuddle up and watch a movie with me. Someone to kiss. Someone to hold me. Just someone.

Lastly, I'm jealous of the straight people. They don't have to fight for their right to love. They're allowed to get married to whoever they want. They're allowed to have the perfect family because they have a mommy and a daddy and biological kids. They get to hold hands in public without worrying if someone finds them disgusting or their love a sin. Us as homosexuals get fight day in and day out for equal treatment by the government. We get to be told our family isn't real or our kids aren't really ours because we didn't have them biologically and we are a family of two dads or two moms. We get to worry about who is going to hurt us because people are cruel and would go as far as violence to tell us our love is wrong.

I'm jealous of straight people because they don't have to worry about being hurt because of who they are. They don't have to go to school because they are teased about how they are disgusting or are a faggot/carpet munched/ butt pirate. They don't have to worry about who leaves them or who will disown them because their way of life is unacceptable. But at least us gays do! We get to hide the part of us that should be the most celebrated. We get to tortured and taught that we're all alone and no one will ever accept us. We get shunned by our parents and closest friends because we're disgusting and only want to get with them. Lastly, we get told hateful things like you deserve this because you chose to be gay.

Just to let it be known, I love my life. No matter how much I may complain or be upset about it, I love who I am and the life I have lived and I wouldn't change it. I am also happy for all those people who exhibit all those traits and factors that I wished I had. I don't in any way wish they didn't have them. They worked hard and lived their own suffering to get where they are. Although I love my life, I do wish I had some of those traits and factors. It'd make me a lot happier in these moments.

I also didn't intend for it to be a post about how gay people would be born gay rather than they chose to be gay, but you see how that works. Why would we chose to be gay when everything I just said I'm jealous of other people about, we experience EVERYDAY. Like I said, it just doesn't make sense.

Thanks to everyone who read this post. I hope everyone has a great day!

~Be Breezy!~

Sex baby, Let's talk about You and Me

*In song* Sex baby! Let's talk about you and me! Let's talk about all the good things, and the bad things, that may be! Let's talk about sex! *end song*

Right now, I want to talk about something for mature audiences only! Sex. Viewer discretion is advised. Ah sex, the most exciting, dangerous, sensational, risky, and life changing part of life. Sex is something that can only be handled by those who are old enough to understand what is wrong and right, and the effects of it. I would say that age is right around 14 or 15. So just around the age everyone is starting high school. Why do I say that? Because of the risks and dangers of sex. In this post, I'm not going to only be talking about the fun parts of sex; I will be addressing the bad parts as well.

What are some of the risks of having sex? Well, depending on the people engaging in the act, the dangers vary. Some of the risks are the same for heterosexual and homosexual people, but there are some that can be very different.For right now, let's say the engaging parties are heterosexual. Ergo, a boy and a girl. Aside from catching an STI or HIV, you can get pregnant. Now getting pregnant at a young age does not mean you are going to be on teen mom. It also does not mean your life is over. What it means is that your life has changed, and you are no longer living your life for just you, your living a life for two. And whatever risks came with that sexual encounter, you may have passed on whatever disease you caught to a new born person who had nothing to do with anything.

If the engaging parties are homosexual, things are a little different. We are not more likely to catch HIV or an STI, but we also don't have to worry about getting pregnant, cause let's face it, it just doesn't work that way. Even though the life changing result of a baby is not a risk for us, we still must be aware of catching diseases and being brought into other dangers.

No matter what kind of sex and who you engage in sex with, you should be old enough to deal with the repercussions. That's exactly why we shield this kind of excitement from kids as long as we can because it sometimes brings more than just pleaseure, it brings responsibility. Responsibility that a person under 15 just can't handle. I am not saying anyone who has sex under the age of 16 is doomed to a life of responsibility from there on. I'm not saying It's necessarily a bad thing to have had sex before the age of 15. What I'm saying is, of you are going to make the grown up decision to have sexual intercourse, be mature enough to take on the responsibility and repercussions that follow.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I can take on the exciting parts about sex! The passion, the romantics, the logistics, the kinks, and the don'ts! All of which depict on the person. I'm mainly going to be speaking from my point of view and from what my friends tell me, but no one can tell you what you like. Everyone has different tastes and turn ons. It is just up to them to find them.

That's what I like about sex. It helps you to find out a lot about yourself. A lot of people find that sex is very taboo and you should never talk about it. Some people are even ashamed! Which I just don't understand anymore.

When I was younger, and was just really starting to have sex, I would never like to talk about it. I liked it for the most part, despite how bad it was, but I was ashamed of what I did as a gay man versus what I would've done if I was straight. And as time went on, I learned I didn't have to tell anyone what I did behind closed doors. It was my business! But then I saw a movie called Weekend, which was a movie made in the UK about these two guys who meet up at a club and start dating, kind of. One of the main characters is making a movie about gay sex and he explains to the other character why gay people should share their sex stories. We are always being stereotyped and the straight people think they know us, but unless we start speaking out about ourselves, they will continue with their ignorance.

And he wasn't wrong. I too was ignorant. I thought all gay men enjoyed oral and anal sex, which just isn't the case. Some guys just don't like giving oral, or receiving. Some guys don't like anal because it hurts or they are disgusted by it, which is fine, that's their opinion. But I would not have known that if it weren't for the people who spoke up against our ignorances and told us that. From that point on, I realized that it wasn't bad to talk about se, and I shouldn't be ashamed of what I was doing. If I liked sucking cock, fine! If I liked rimming a nice clean hole, so be it! And if sometimes I wanted to get pinned down and fucked from behind, then by all means, I'll let ya know!

In sex I learned a lot about myself. I learned about passion and kinks. I learned that I am can be a very passionate lover, but also very aggressive. Let's tackle passion first.

I am a person who loves to kiss. I love to make out first and get into some hair stroking and then rubbing my guy all over. I love being rubbed down and making out and the work our way slowly. I never liked jumping right into fucking. I appreciated the pleasure and the foreplay that went into sex. I always enjoyed making my partner feel good. After all, if he wasn't having fun, I wasn't! I pretty much hate doggy-style just because I don't get to see my lover's face. I love getting to lean over and kiss while getting fucked or doing the fucking. And then to end, I love that last finishing moment of holding on tightly and kissing.

The aggressive part is just very sexy! Again, I love taking my time. Playing with his hair and then kissing and licking his neck! I am known for leaving guys with hickeys. I love licking him all the way down to his nipples and hearing him moan and groan as I lick my way down to you know where! Slowly pleasuring him, teasing him into ecstasy. Licking and fingering his hole to really get him rowled up and sucking his cock at the same time always gets them going! And then I like pinning their legs back and slowly getting inside and taking my time while I fuck him. Pinning his hands above his head while I pound his ass and keeping him from jerking off. Then as I'm ready to cum, I pull out and then I shoot all over him. Then, It's my turn!

Because I can cum twice, it allows me to get fucked, and do some fucking! I love it when guys pull my hair and lightly play wig my nipples. Groping at me every step of the way. Me and my friend joked about how we have long hair. I have always had short hair when I was young, and now that I have long hair, I want you sexy mother fuckers to pull it! I love it when a guy is very rough and aggressive with my neck! Giving me hickey after hickey and pinning me down while he does so. Then licks his way down and delicately licked the tip of my nipples and works his way down. Slowly sucking my cock and playing with my nipples at the same time, dirty talking to me the entire way through. I love it when a guy dirty talk while he rims and fucks me. He rims my hole until is is nice and lubricated and fingers me while he sucks me. The he 69's me and fingers me until he's ready to plow this bear cub's ass! He slowly gets inside me and he plows away, dirty talking me the entire way. Leaning over and kissing me and pinning my hands down so I can't jerk off. Finally, when it is time to cum, he pulls out and cums all over my torso and jerks me off himself.

Sex is a wonderful thing, but like I said, is only for people who can handle it. It is very invasive, but also can be very rewarding. I have learned a lot about myself and have gained tons of confidence from it. I give it to those people who wait til marriage, I would NEVER be able to wait that long. Plus, I wouldn't know what I know now about myself, which I would never give up.

Thanks for reading everyone, hope everyone enjoyed the post and took something from it. I hope it won't be too long until the next post. I leave you with many sexual thoughts and wish you many adventures that will lead you tk finding who you really are! You dirty boys you!

~Be Breezy!~

Going Away...

I'm sorry guys, I'm going to go away for a while. I just have too much on my plate, too much to handle, and too much going on. I'm sorry to leave you guys like this, but.. umm.. JUST KIDDING! I would never! At least not for a while... Take a seat and listen to what this bear cub has to tell society!

Now, I'm not virtually going away, but I am physically. Whilst picking out colleges, I made sure the colleges in my decisions were away from home... Far away. So why am I telling you this? What does this have to do about being gay? Well my little fags and hags, this is also just a rough draft to what I might write into my essay for another college, but also to collect my ideas as to why I want to leave, and being gay has a lot to do with it...

So the schools I mainly wanted to go to were West Virginia University, Boston University, and North Carolina State University. All equally as far away from home. Why so far? I needed to find myself. I needed to explore and see what was out there in the world and see that I can handle it on my own. It gives me the chance to be independent. It gives me the opportunity to make every decision on my own and without anyone's supervision. It gives me leeway to grow up.

My brother started college close to home. He goes to college one exit away from us, therefore, he also stays home. This keeps him under my parent's watch and under their thumbs. While staying home for college, he doesn't get the same opportunities as I will. He won't get to explore much, he's lived here for the past 11 years! He won't get the chance to make executive decisions for himself because he'll have to pass through the whole, "you love under my roof, so you'll have to follow my rules!" Statement, which just ruins everything. He can't do much without our parents breathing down his neck.

But if I go away, if I wanted to try something, I could do it. If I wanted to stay out late, I could do it. If I wanted to sleep over a friend's house or even have a boy over, I could do that. If I wanted to explore the town at all hours of the night, I could do that! And if I want to pierce my ear, I could do that too! And who would I have to go through? No one. I'll be my own parent. Making decisions for myself.

Now comes the real reason.. I must go away to find myself. Finding yourself as a person is the hardest thing for anyone to do and it sometimes it takes people more than four years of college to figure out who they are. But the only way you'll find who you are as a person, is to go out and experience things. You'll never find out that you like skydiving of you stay at home listening to mommy and daddy tell you thats too dangerous. And never mind that, you'll never know you like skydiving if you don't go somewhere to try it!!!

College is more than just learning about what you want to do for the rest of your life. It's about finding what's best for you on your own. Your parents will want you to be the best that you can be, but what if their opinion of the best, isn't what you want? Then you have to break away from them and find out what is the best. And that's what I'll have to do.

My parents think they know everything, but they don't. They are ignorant. I hate to say it, but It's true. I can't be me or make experiences out of that. I have to find my own answers to everything and break down my own ignorances, which I can only do by going out and seeking out everything that I need to shape me as a better person.

Along with finding myself comes being gay. I can find a community who will accept me. I won't have to worry about my parents meeting this person or how they feel about this guy, because they won't have a say. I can go make friends who understand my feelings and can talk me through them. Make brocubs and bromances. I can go to the bear events and make friends and have the possy of gays that I've always wanted. I could meet and date great guys or girls and not worry about who sees me.

I can completely recreate myself. I can kiss a girl without contradiction. I could eat cheese without everyone questioning. I could wear bunches of colors and wonder if that is still me. I'll be in a completely different crowd and different world that doesn't know Kaseem Parsley, and I'll have to show them who I am according to my own independent choices that I'll make.

My parents seem to be the main reason I need to get away. That and the area. I just need somewhere to explore and not be questioned about the things that I do while exploring. I don't need to have someone telling me what I can and can't do and what is and isn't right. And I don't need repetition and familiar views. I need spontaneity and variety. I need freedom and understanding. I need to go away.

So now that I've written this out, I still don't really know if I might write this for my essay. I'll read it to a couple people and see what they think. Thanks for listening and reading. Feel free to comment your college experiences and what you did and didn't like about going away to college. This cub is going to relax for the rest of the day away from school and work and and hope tomorrow isn't too bad. Everyone have a good night and explore something!

~Be Breezy!~