Pride

Pride. The feeling of pleasure in one's own achievements. To feel proud of one's self. Today, I am missing the pride parade in New York City. While everyone one is out partaking in this celebration of who they are, I am staying home in the closet baby sitting and working. It really upsets me to be missing this celebration because we have even more to celebrate! The Defense of Marriage Act was named unconstitutional and marriage equality is now brought into California. So not only do we get the chance to celebrate who we are, we get to celebrate another step closer to true equality. But going to pride is a lot more than just a celebration to me. For me, it goes much deeper than that.

I am closeted at home. So I have no way of really being who I am. I can't walk around with rainbows on and throw myself out very flamboyantly. I can't scream out "I'm gay" and feel happy. I won't have that feeling of safety amongst my gay community. I won't have that feeling of community around me.

At the parade, I could hang out with my cousins and rejoice in celebration. I could wear my rainbow suspenders and bandana with pride. I can kiss another guy in pure happiness without having to fear anything. I can dance to all the music that's playing. I could feel safe amongst my gay family. I could mingle amongst more gay people and make some longtime friends.

For me, pride is an opportunity to be as flamboyant as I want and wear as many rainbows as I can without feeling self conscious. It is a place to feel like I belong somewhere. Out here, I don't have that feeling. I don't have many gay friends and I don't like wearing my rainbows all the time because I feel as though I'm throwing it out there. Pride is my opportunity to be proud if who I am, which isn't always easy to do.

I just recently started being able to admit that I like bears. Before, I thought it was something i had to hide. I was ashamed of it. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone because I wasn't ok with it... But now I have started taking pride into that part of me. I have learned that it was ok to like other bears and that there are others like me. This is something to celebrate. The ability to feel happy about who I am.

Over all, I hope everyone has a great time at the pride parade. I wish I could take part in the celebration, but things just didn't seem to work out in that way. Thanks for reading! Happy pride!

Ready, but not set...

Early this morning, I had an outfit I was planning to wear and I needed my mom to sew the shorts for me. So she forgot and said she would have it ready before it was time for me to leave. Finally she came back to me and told me she couldn't do it and it led to a problem of "what can I wear now".

Now, I don't know if I have a particular problem when it comes to choosing what to wear, but sometimes I just can't. I can't just throw on anything. It has to be perfect for the day almost. If it is warm outside, I can't just throw on any t-shirt and jeans or shorts... It's gotta be the right ones. My family hates helping me pick out what to wear because of this problem. But I don't think they fully understand the extent to which it bothers me.

If I put on something I feel is not right, it physically bugs me. Physically, i will feel wierd, as if I am not myself. And the mental aspect of me will let me feel every second of it. I will be non-stop thinking about how I look and what people will think of me while I'm wearing it; and I never really imagine them saying nice things. In the midst of me ironing my clothes coping with what I settled with wearing, I always think back to what else I could wear that could possibly be better;and then once I've found it, I run downstairs and grab the new stuff! Even though I have no time! It really bugs me and they just don't understand...

I know you're wondering, "what does this have to do with being gay?" Other then the fact of me having a stereotypical fashion sense.. while I was looking for that right outfit for today after she shot the idea of my first choice, she started criticizing all of the clothes I wear. How they're "too tight" or I always have to dress so "flamboyantly". I told her I simply like the style of it, It's just my sense of fashion and people seem to like it. Her response was, "Do you know who dresses like that? Gay people."

Obviously after this comment you can infer that my parents are homophobic. So my response was, for once, "I don't care!" I would never say that to comments like those to my parents because that would lead them to infer that I was gay. They can't know because that puts me and my future at risk. My dad has said since day one that he will not accept homosexual "behavior" in this house and if we think we're grown enough to make that "decision" then we are obviously grown enough toive on our own. I have worked way to hard in school and through life to throw it all away.

Another reason this puts me at risk is my safety. My sister insists I don't tell my dad in person because he might lose control. She thinks he just might kill me. Now I don't know if this is true, but I'm not gonna risk it. So saying this to my mom was a huge thing.

I hate having to lie about who I am. I want to be open and truthful about who I am because I am not ashamed of it. I wanna be able to wear my rainbow suspenders while leaving the house or not have to worry about my mom stumbling upon my rainbow bandana or suspenders. I don't want it to be a shock when I bring home a guy. I hate having to whisper about it and refer to it as the thing when my parents are around. It is simply ridiculous.

This is also why I don't have a problem with going to school. In school, I don't have to hide behind that closet door, as much. People don't know about the whole best community thing, but they know I'm gay so I don't have to worry about anything like that! I can freely say boyfriend or wear rainbows or even dress flamboyantly because it will be accepted and will kind of be expected.

But even though they understand the gay aspect of me, my school has yet to fully understand the bear aspect of me. I still hide behind the leaves that cover my tracks into the cave of bears. I hate having to hide and feel ashamed of that part of me because that is one of my favorite parts about me. I love the bear community and hate having to hide my love for it; but I am getting better. I hashtag gay bear and cub on instagram and people have found out through there or I have my favorite bear community photos on my lock screen and it shoots random photos so it is kind of sprung upon people.

But here's where the not set part comes into play. I want to come out from behind the closet doors, but if I do, I must be sure in who I am. Like I said in a previous post, I'm not exactly 100% sure I am gay. Sometimes I question it, other times I am sure. I never feel sexually attracted to a girl other then just wanting to hold them or kiss them, but it goes further with men. I want to hold, kiss, caress, cuddle, have sex with, etc.

I don't want to come out and then all of a sudden jump back in what I'm saying and figure out I'm straight and was just confused as a child. Or bisexual and just wasn't accepting it. That would give my parents and all those who think It's a decision a satisfaction I don't want them to have. That would hive them the opening they have been waiting for ti say, "see I told you you could change" or "I told you you weren't gay, and now that you have probably caught something, you wanna switch back."

I won't let them have it. That is why I must be sure first. I kind if fucked myself over in school because I came out as gay before ever really being 100% sure and now I can't go back on what I said if I am not sure. If I am all of a sudden attracted to some girl, I can't chase after her without someone questioning her or me, and I am just not ready or strong enough to deal with that yet.

I thought when I started getting more mature I wasn't gonna have to play hide and seek anymore. It was fun as a child, but the fun has faded and I'm ready to play man hunt... The society that surrounds me has kept me in this bind for 16 years going on 17, and I don't know how much longer this cub can hold it. Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has a great memorial day weekend!

~Be Breezy!~

Why is it always the gay?

Ok, so this is more of an internal post. This is something really personal about me and something that I have never told anyone aloud. Frankly, this will be the first time I'm even admitting to it or even giving it some acknowledgence... It's something I've done all my life, and it always keeps me in a bind. Most of us blame society, I blame myself for everything.

This is my internal problem. I blame every bad thing that happens to me solely on the fact of me being gay. I just failed my test, all because I couldn't focus and all I could think about was being gay and men. I feel upset one day, must be the gay in me tearing me down. I don't want to walk to the other side of the classroom, why? Because I'm gay and everyone will talk about me behind my back because I am. Why don't I like hanging out with certain people, because I don't want to burden them with my gay.

It starts weighing down on me and almost giving me low self-esteem. I feel almost less than. I feel as though I don't belong and all I can say is because I'm gay.

Why? Why is that always my excuse? I feel like part of me does it because of all the stories I've heard about the internalized hate people had for themselbes for being gay and I felt I had to do the same to be gay. I felt like I got off easy in my coming out. I always pretty much knew since I was exposed to porn at a very young age. I knew I liked boys and eventually came to figure out that meant gay. The worst part about my coming out process might have been the lies. Beyond that, I wasn't bullied, I didn't have bad any reactions (so far), and I never went through any real self harm.

I know people are ok with me being gay, but somehow my mind always takes me back there. I'm always thinking the worst of things in advance. I dream about the moments where I get jumped for being gay or be involved in a hate crime. I feel like sometimes, it gives me happiness but also something to blame my issues on.

This is a short post being that I don't really know internally what is going on, but I know something is wrong. A clear sign was when I got drunk about two months ago when my parents weren't here and I told my friend I wanted to get drunk. People always say in the moments you are dunk, you are the most truthful. Well my truth came out, and I had bottled a lot in at that point... Still am. I was bottling up anger, frustration, loneliness, self-esteem issues, and questions of who I am. So in the midst of me being drunk, I noticed my friend walked away from me for a second and caught wind that he was talking to this girl. I knew he didn't have a problem with me or anything, by this time we'd been friends for about 4 or 5 years and he's known I was gay for about 2 or 3, but I was maybe a little jealous AMD emotional. I got overly upset and bursted into tears asking "why am I gay." I hated myself for it, I hated being gay solely because of the loneliness it brought me. I was so hysterically upset I called my sister and cried to her for maybe 10 minutes just repeating saying stuff I didn't think I believed, but would always dream about in my phases of blaming the gay. Finally, I calmed down and I realized this was something that could eventually get out of control.

I can't keep bottling this up... But I don't know who to turn to. I don't want to ask kids in my GSA because I don't lime referring to other kids on matters like these. I don't want to turn to friends because I don't like dumping my problems on people and I don't like being pitied. I don't want to turn to teachers because I don't want to worry anyone or get a reply I'm not ready to hear. And I can't turn to my parents because of my conditions as a closeted teen.

I don't know what to do, but I know something must be done. I can't keep bottling everything all in for it may end up in my drunken emotional breakdown or even worse. I don't know what I will need to make me feel better or even if there is anything truly wrong with me and it may all be in my head... I just don't know... And that's what scares me the most...

Being Left Behind...

We've all felt this. That feeling of everyone else is forming relationships and falling in love, while you're all alone. In high school, the feeling almost consumes you. Seeing couples after couples holding hands and kissing behind the stairwells and even partnering up in class. They are all over you Twitter feeds, instagram feeds, and facebook feeds and even become the topic of conversations. All of that starts to add up.

I never really had a relationship throughout my whole life. I was always the chubby nerdy kid that everyone befriended, but never dated. I was never too interested in girls, so I didn't care about dating them. I would always only fake crushes. But I had my first kind of real relationship the beginning of my sophmore year in high school. I dated this girl for pretty much two weeks. She was my first kiss and then we were over after two weeks. Beyond that, I haven't dated anyone.

I've never dated a guy, and being that I'm gay, I pretty much consider myself never even having a relationship. Now I have a lot of friends and I am very happy for all of them for finding love and finding themselves out. I am in no way mad at them for living their lives; but am I jealous, of FUCKING course.

I hate the fact that they get to date all these different girls and guys and have sexual experiences and go on dates, while I'm at home playing my piano by myself or watching cartoons by myself; anyone else seeing a pattern? They sit there and complain about their relationships and vent, while I sit there in jealousy wishing I could have those experiences.

I can't explore my sexuality, I can't date other guys, see what I like and what I don't; I'm stuck here guessing and fantasizing. Everyone else gets to date and fight and so on, while I sit on the sidelines living through them! I am to listen to my friends talk about the new guy or girl they're talking to and what's going on, while again, I live through them.

I hate it. It's like I'm on a complete different planet; their world keeps spinning and mine keeps tilting and stopping. Every step I take that gets me a little closer to something, then everything stops and I'm back at square one. I can't wait for the moment when I can finally join the race with everyone and find happiness. Right now, society has me on lockdown. Thanks for reading.

~Be Breezy~

Ashamed or Scared?

Have you ever thought about why people lie? We all hate being lied to and most hate having to come up with a good excuse. In my opinion, people lie when they don't want people to know something about them because they're ashamed of a certain part of them or their scared of what people will think of them afterwards.

In the gay community, a trending lie is during the coming out process. We lie everyday before coming out because we are either ashamed of what we are or scared of what people will think of us. Before I came out, I was terrified of what anyone would think of me. I lied because I wanted to keep my friends and family around. Even now I still lie sometimes about the kind of guys I like. I used to lie because I was ashamed of what I was into and scared on top of that. And I still am a little scared of what people will think of me afterwards.

But I have held onto a lie much longer than I should have. I wish I would have killed it off once I started coming out, but I didn't. And now I converse with some of my closest friends with the knowledge that I must keep up with this lie or be exposed as a fraud.

The lie I have assumed was having sex with a female. Why do I continue this lie? I am not ashamed of being gay or scared of what people will think. Some people already know that I have never had sex with a girl, so why do I lie to some of my closer friends? I know how they would react and I have had plenty of chances to admit to them the truth, but a part of me hold on to that lie...

But why? There is nothing wrong with being a gold star gay, in fact, most other gay guys like that. Maybe there is a part of me that still wishes that I was straight and that was my way of proving I'm not entirely different or to ensure my homosexuality. But I am going to break this lying barrier today. Society will no longer hold me back from the truth. Thanks for listening everyone and don't let yourself get tied up in lies. The truth will set you free.

~Be Breezy~

Who am I?

This is a question that plagues a lot of us, especially in the LGBT community. Life bring everyone on a unique journey that includes tons of different trials to shape who you are as a person. But as life goes on, do you ever really know who you really are? After all, your life isn't over, so therefore there are experiences that have yet to shape you, which lead us to the question of "who am I?"

I said especially for the LGBT community because there is a whole other side of us that we are to discover, which is very personal and very internal. This question haunts us because it is not something most of us could discover openly and freely. This question is stunted by society. Some people hate LGBT people, therefore putting people in fear of exploring themselves. People fear LGBT people and this fear results in the destruction of the mind.

LGBT people must learn to overcome these factors before they can ever really explore themselves. This is exactly what plagues me. My closet door disallows me to explore myself openly. I have not been able to date any guys because I am not completely open, but also because of the area I am in. I am disassociated with my type of guys which also brings my journey of who I am to a standstill.

But I can not put all the blame of my standstill on my surroundings, because I am partially to blame. I feel as though I came out too early and thus brought me to fear of telling people otherwise who exactly I am. Also, I feel as though I was influenced by what I had been seeing and I wanted to be something that I wasn't and it made it harder for me to except the fact that I wasn't because of the happiness it brought others. With that feeling, I ran and I rushed myself to come out before ever being really sure I was gay. I compared myself to others thinking maybe I was just like them when I had my own story I needed to figure out. I don't know how I feel about women now.

Beforehand, I never was attracted to girls as much as I was guys. I would never search for them on porn sites, imagined them in my sexual fantasies, or wanted to spend the rest of my life with one. I had had a couple of girlfriends when I was younger, but I only did that because of what society had taught me. I didn't even have my first kiss with a girl until my sophmore year in high school, and I was almost completely fine with that.

I had never been sexually aroused by women. The thought of a naked women usually always gave me the shivers. Now, I was exposed to porn at a very young age, so I don't know if that could have done something to my sexual development or what, but I do remember paying a lot more attention to the men in the porn than the women. I was even brought into my first sexual experience at a very young age as well, but I had no idea what I was doing; I just knew I liked it. It was with another young boy around the same age as me. I must have been 6 when we slept in the same bed and he had started touching me and I touched him back and things started going on their own. He was two years older than me, so he probably new more of what was going on than I did. Could that have messed with my sexual development?

I had never had an experience like that with a girl, and just like the kiss, I was completely ok with that. The closest I had ever gotten to a sexual experience with a girl was my first girlfriend back in 6th grade, back when I was ten and I couldn't care less about girls. But I certainly paid guys some attention! Mr and my gf at the time would have pretty much phone sex asking what ifs and what would you do's. Which would then lead on to us hanging up and me going into the shower to go "relieve myself" while thinking about guys.

So with all these experiences and thoughts, you would think It's pretty clear cut that I'm gay, but what about now? Now when I see a pretty girl, I acknowledge she's pretty, look at her ass, and move on. I talk to a lot of pretty girls, flirt a bit, and I get some kind of feeling... But I just can't decipher what this feeling is. I still am disgusted by a naked female, so what is this that I'm feeling? Is it loneliness? Why is it that I feel the need to flirt with girls sometimes and kiss them, when I generally only feel this towards men?

Does this mean I'm bisexual? I don't know, I guess that depends on your meaning behind each sexuality. I personally feel as though sexuality depicts on sexual feelings and love. If you can fall in love with the same sex or opposite sex or both and are physically attracted, you are clear cut gay, straight or bi. So where does that leave me?

There was this theory I heard of where no one is 100% one-sided when it comes to sexuality. That's when the influences started pushing on me that I was gay and somewhere in that spectrum of "in-between". And then I had read Ricky Martin's book where he explains how he could be attracted by a woman, but he could never be with a woman for the rest of his life and I compared that to myself and ran with it. Lastly, I found the depfox family on YouTube and thought, if I was gay, that could be my future and had it set in stone that I was gay.

But is that really who I am? What if those early sexual experiences and exposals had fooled me? What if it had messed me up? I won't even be able to experiment with women now that I am out as a gay man and the fear of taking that back stunts me from exploring a true answer.

This fear will plague me until I move away, which who know when that will be. The fear of coming out again. The fear of saying I was wrong. The fear of looki g stupid because it took me so long to figure out who I am. A fear I can not bare to withstand.

So I am plagued with the question of who am I. Always wondering if I am who people think I am or if I'm somebody else. Always wondering when I will find out or what will be the final journey to give me the answer. Always wondering when I will be able to be confident in who I am and not have to worry about this anymore.

Who had done this to me? My parents? God? My past? Society? Me? Maybe, but I'll find the answer. I just gotta wait out to an opportunity to take another path to another journey. Society got me here, and I let it. Thanks for listening guys, have a great night!

~Be Breezy!~

Crushes

Crushes. We all have them. I remember being a little kid in elementary school and everyone gave out little notes to their crushes and would hold hands. Friends would converse about who they were crushing on and so on.

I always hated getting crushes. I am a very loving and heartft person and I fall hard sometimes so it never really leaves me feeling good. I always felt I experienced the true mean of crushing. In elementary school I crushed on three girls, shockingly, but nothing serious. It was more forced upon if anything, but all they ended up being was crushes and left me feeling crushed. They all knew, of course that's how it works when you're young, and none of them reciprocated my feelings so I was left crushless.

The next time I really crushed on another peer was in my freshman year. I was just figuring out that I was gay, and at the time I was out to very little of my friends and hardly myself, but as a bisexual. In my first semester I crushed in this straight cub in my last block class. Like I said, I crush hard so I thought about this kid night and day and all through the day. I would day dream about how the perfect relationship between the two of us would be like and the amazing times we would have.

I usually have this experience with all of the guys I crush on. I gas it up in my head and fill my head up with all these fantasies getting myself more attached even though I know it isn't going to happen. Then, of course, leads to my soft-hearted ass left hurt. It never manages to fail. But I can't help it, never being in a real loving relationship, I can't help but fantasize about it.

And that's why I hate having a crush on a guy. It ALWAYS turns out to be on some guy I can't be with because of some circumstance. The guy I crushed on freshman year, both of them, both straight. Crushed on one of my closest friends my sophomore year, straight and a good friend. And lastly, which I always seem to get, crushes on teachers.

I have two teachers this semester who just so happen to really fit the "bear" persona and I can't help it as a gay cub to be attracted to it. My chemistry teacher is short, white, short brown hair, brown beard, really cute blue eyes, and a big belly. I have the biggest crush on him just because of his bear persona! It also doesn't help that he's funny and kind too. I can't help but watch his small little round body girate across the classroom and hope for the occasion where he wears a small shirt and lifts up his arms and I can sneak a peak at his belly.

Another teacher is my photography teacher. He's a cute young cub with a big belly, short dirty blonde beard and hair, nice green eyes, short stocky stature, and a soft voice. Sadly, he doesn't wear shirts that are never tucked in so I doubt I'll get to sneak a peak at his belly or his back.

But with all these crushes comes the unrealistic fantasies that will never happen and only leave me feeling lonely. And with that, it makes it a little awkward to be around them because they don't see me in the same view and I can only focus on their cuteness. Which is why I hate crushes. They only remind me of how lonely I am and how I yearn for affection.

That's all for tonight, thanks for reading. Hope everyone enjoyed their day without a big struggle from society.
~Be Breezy!~

Insult or Culture

So this is something that just came across to me yesterday. It never really crossed my mind until it clicked with a teacher. Why is it that being called "gay" is seen as an insult? I understand it if you're firm in your answer and not wanting to be claimed as something your not, but why take offence? Should I take offence for you taking offence? After all, I am gay, so if you're taking being gay as a bad thing, then I should be insulted for claiming I'm a bad thing.

This kind of also ties in with my last post, "The Power Of Slurs" because of the negative power given to the word "gay". Gay is seen as such a bad thing because of its supposed conflict with the bible. Everyone has heard it before: "In the bible it clearly states that a man shall not lie with another man." But I have heard contrary! From different priests and ministers, I've heard how the bible was written so long ago that it couldn't have been talking about homosexuality because it wasn't even acknowledged back then.

What brought this to the light was my experience yesterday in my chemistry class my teacher was joking about how I laugh at everything and that I'm a very cheerful and happy person. And through the list of adjectives describing how happy and cheerful I was, my friend brought out the adjective gay. Now, I am out in school and I couldn't care less that he called me gay; everyone had known anyways and if they didn't, they were bound to find out sooner or later. Furthermore, he made it very clear that he meant gay in the sense of being happy, so I really didn't care, actually I laughed at the irony of it.

The problem occurred when my teacher questioned it... He gave the look a person would give of why did you just say/do that to my friend and questioned why he would say that as if my friend was calling me gay in an ironic offensive way. Now I am in now way offended or mad at what my teacher did because he was doing what he felt was right and protected the word in its culture.

The problem crossed my mind that he fought against my friend because he assumed the word "gay" was an insult. Gay is not nor should be portrayed in an offensive way. It is a culture of love, not a slang slur that you can use to demean others. After acknowledging this epiphany, I kind of feel offended! It's just like the situation when someone calls a situation gay because it does not go in their favor.

Society gave the word "gay" to the homosexuals because we were portrayed as overly happy. Which I am ok, because I am a very happy person and that is not an insult at any standpoint. It is now when society is starting to coin gay as being stupid and therefore calling me stupid in a certain circumstance. That's where I start feeling a little offended.

I am in no way unhappy about being gay. I love my attraction towards men and don't see how it can be used as an insult as it is just another form of love. It's just like being called a faggot. Now that society has linked the word faggot with the word gay, why should I feel offended for being something that I am; in its new meaning of course.

But maybe I'm being too sensitive about it... After all, some people don't get offended when you call an act of someone "niggerish" or "white". They are cultures as well, but they don't get quite offended. Maybe It's because they are accepted now. Maybe It's because we are still fighting through the hate and ignorance that surrounds our community that it is so focused on.

I'm not exactly sure why. So I open it up to my readers and society. Why is it that a culture that is formed completely of love and has the same morals as the straight community can be seen as an insult or an act of stupidity? I don't know if I beat society on this one, but I damn sure an on my way to beating it! Thanks for reading this cub's view on this. Please feel free to comment and add your thoughts, I am always happy to hear. Have a great day everyone!

~Be Breezy!~

The Power Of Slurs

Slurs, we all know them. They are within every community and there is one for EVERY community. For the black community there's nigger, slave, "help", for Asians it might be chinks, for white people there's honkey, for straight people there's breeders, religious communities bible thumper, and for the LGBT community, there's dyke, tranny, and faggot.

These slurs were always used to demean and insult people. As a black person, when you were called a nigger, you were being referred to as lower class. You were dirt. It was something that would potentially start a fight.

Nowadays, the power to the word "nigger" has been taken away... To a certain degree. Now, people use the word constantly, but used in a different way. They may argue that their saying "nigga" and not "nigger" being that there is a difference. But today, there is, isn't there?

When someone says "nigga", they generally don't mean harm and only mean another word such as bro, or people. Black people have turned that slur, nigger, into and everyday word where not many are offended by it. When people say "nigger" it is often used as a joke or to start a fight because they are using it in the meaning of a lower class person and dirt.

This used to be a word that I would refrain from using. When I was younger, I saw the word as one thing, a slur. The word wasn't funny, and it didn't describe me. But since I have grown up, I have become more loose about the word. In fact, I find myself saying it often. Where had my feelings about this word disappeared to? What made them change? Power.

I realized that the word had changed. Thanks to time, this word hadn't meant shit. It was just another word that used to be something that it isn't anymore. Just like words such as bitch and hoe. Words like these don't mean a damn thing like they used to. You find girls saying it to each other all the time and now even hear men saying it. The words have been powered down and have now lost their meaning.

I bring this up because I have heard a lot of the word "faggot" lately. Faggot was and is a word to oppress gay people, but the true meaning is a bundle of sticks. Just like the word "nigger", it wasn't a good thing to be called. It meant you were lower class and different then everyone and deserved to be called something "other".

I hear it a lot more than I used to and it does come from friends. I've told them that I don't like the word and they catch themselves saying it around me and sometimes hate having to sensor themselves. I do get the occasional, "Why does it bother you so much, I'm not talking about being gay!" And I would always respond with the sane answer I would when it was nigger getting tossed around: "I hate the word because it was used to oppress the LGBT people and the power of a word like that has been used to kill many of our LGBT youth and I will NEVER be accepting of a word like that!"

I felt the same way about the word "nigga". I refused to be one of those people who through around that word like it was nothing when it was a word used to oppress many people before me and people in my background. But look at me now, using the word without as much of a second thought of how it made other people feel. Sometimes I feel ashamed about it, but should I? Time has done this.

I realized, I am not one of those people. I know what the word means and the history it has. I am not using it in the context of its history. I'm using it to show how time has changed. To show how accepting our world has become to use a word like that and be ok. Maybe It's time to do that with the word "faggot". And not only faggot, but other slurs like dyke, queen, lesbo, and homo too. And I can't forget our "T" for tranny.

Maybe that's exactly what our community needs. The power of these slurs to be removed. I grow tired of having to be annoyed with these word and fighting with my friends about why they should and shouldn't use them. There are people in our community who use these words with no problem, and maybe that's exactly what we need for our youth, so that they will no longer feel the oppression in this world. I hear gays with powerful voices use these words and notice how they never bat an eye. Calling each other fags, dykes, and homos in playful and accepting ways just to show how times have changed and how these words are only history that will soon be diminished, but never forgotten.

But is that the right thing to do with these words? Should we accept them? Maybe we should tear down these words and allow them never to be used. So that no one will ever feel their pain. No one will ever have to remember how they have been oppressed with those very same words and have it haunt them for the rest of their lives.

But then that brings controversy. People will fight and argue freedom of speech while others fight back saying that It's hate speech. People hate being censored, shit I should know. I have been cursing since I was in 6th grade and haven't stopped since. I hate having to watch what I say, because I have freedom of speech. Now I don't go around screaming "fuck you and fuck that and fuck this" in front of a group of kids, but I am growing as an adult and I should be able to speak my mind. But that only goes but so far.

I don't use my freedom of speech as hate speech, which is where the acceptance comes from. If people don't use these words in an oppressing matter, then it will be fine to use some of these words, depending on where you are and who you say it to of course. Just like the word nigger; as long as you don't have hateful intentions, you usually won't have a problem. Just as I feel it should be with other words sometimes.

But again, all this depends on the people you're around. I wouldn't advise you throwing these words around all the time because you feel they should be nothing because that's how you upset people. I don't really know how to feel about these words, so I open it up to everyone. How do you feel about these words? How do you feel they should be handled?

I think this gay cub has said enough for now. Society, I think I got you on this one. Have a great easter everyone and a great spring break to all the others!

~Be Breezy!~

Age Limitations

Sometimes, I HATE being young. For one thing, it stops me from being allowed to be myself, stops me from doing certain things, and meeting certain people. I know you're supposed to enjoy the time being young, and trust me I do, but I could see myself having the same amount if not more enjoyment if I was just 5 years older (21). Even if I was two years (18) older, I would probably have more fun! I can't think of something other then living at home for free that I couldn't do if I were a little bit older that I would miss.

This all came up when I was looking at colleges. I was being a good student and looking for colleges that fit the job I wanted to pursue and the area I would like to reside in with my studies. All the credentials that fit the area I want usually fit around the concept of drinking(of course), dating, clubbing, and bear events. ALL of those things I wish I could do now... Shit, I wish I'd be able to do them by my sophomore year in college.

Drinking and clubbing fit in the same category really and those aren't really that big a deal, since I party and drink now. The main thing I'm excited about is dating and going to bear events. Like I said in a previous post, I have been pretty much single all my life and I would like the chance to get to date... And date a bear/cub at that!

With my age limitation, I can't really date a bear because I'm too young for them and I can't date a cub or even in general because I can't go anywhere to meet anyone! I can't use online sites because there are no good teen dating sites... ESPECIALLY not for gay cubs. I can't find any in school and It's not like I can go out to a club to fund one. And I can't use the awesome bear apps like scruff or growlr you gotta be 18 to join and I'm an illegal age for those guys anyways!

If I was 18, I could go out to a gay club or gat bar and meet other gay guys and maybe even cubs. What would give me an even bigger chance is joining scruff or growlr or one of the other bear apps, which I'll finally be able to do. I could even go to a bear event and be with my own community and meet guys.

I'm always watching videos on YouTube of what I'm missing out on. Searching Provincetown bears or TBRU and watching the bears dance and chat and catch the occasional kiss. Those bears and cubs get to have the time if their lives woofing at each other and rubbing against each big bellied bear, while I am to watch from my tablet screen and imagine my turn. They make me feel better to watch them. Reminding me that I'm not alone and that I'm not completely weird. Showing me what I'm missing out on and what I can loom forward to in the future. It's exciting.

I even took that into consideration for what college I picked. "Will I be able to attend a bear event from there?" "Are there any good bear events around that place?" Now I didn't revolve my whole search around the bear events, but it was a thought in mind. Every time I saw a college I really liked, I immediately would search bear events that happened in that area. I'm really hoping I can get into a college in NY, MA, or TX for some of those big bear events.

But for now, this cub is trapped in solitude and imagination until he's old enough to go out and experience his own bear experience. Stuck in school crushing on his bear teachers for the while. Imagining them lifting up their arms high enough that their shirts will get untucked and I can sneak a peek of their bellies and watch their ass move when they walk... *sigh* looks like society got me here. Thanks for listening!

~Be Breezy!~

I'm Mr. Lonely

I hate this feeling. The feeling of being alone. Of the jealousy that burns behind my outer doors of emotions. Of feeling unloved...

Being in high school, you never escape the conversation of love, relationships, or crushes. That is the main topic of conversation, and it always has been. Life pretty much revolves around your love life. If you're in a long term relationship, you make decisions for "us", everything might be done for "we" and has be okay with both of us.

If you're in a relationship that just started, usually the world will revolve around it in conversation. You will want to talk about the new relationship, you will hear people say " Oh, you guys are so cute!" And have people asking how the relationship is. You share stories, they share stories, you vent, they vent; the word keeps spinning.

Lastly, but usually always forgotten, the singles. You would think that being single, your world wouldn't revolve around relationships... Unless you are newly single. When single, all you ever see and notice are other couples, the love notes being passed, the rumors getting spread, and how many lonely nights you face. People in relationships conversate with you about relationships, generally theirs, and they don't give a second thought about how you may be feeling about it.

That's what I mean by forgotten, that and being left with no plans because your "friend" decided to make plans over yours and go out with their partner and expect you to be ok. *annoyed face here* I can't say that that situation has happened to me a lot, but its happened. The part about people conversing about relationships to me knowing I've been single pretty much my whole damn life and not considering my feelings happens all the time. I know people can't read my mind and It's hard to read people when they put on a front, but some things are kind of common sense. A gay teenager who just came out about a year ago and has never had a real relationship has GOT to be lonely, of at least feel lonely. And all I want is someone to consider those odds and maybe just offer a little comfort. They don't need to know I'm lonely, but just a little kind reminder that I'll find someone. Usually, I have to remind myself that.

But I can't blame myself for feeling lonely. I haven't dated anyone since last year. And that was a girl! I've never dated a guy, so that true relationship feeling for me, has never been there. I used to talk to a guy, I mean talk, but that was not since the end of '12 and it wasn't even serious. In my 16 years of life, I have yet to feel like my love has been reciprocated in a loving relationship. And after a while, it starts to add up.

This was part of my movement into coming out. I am a very loving person and I wear my heart on my sleeves, so love is a big thing for me. When I was 13 and in my freshman year of high school, my loneliness was catching up to me. My grades were dropping in all my classes, my attitude towards people really started turning, and I got in trouble for snapping at teachers constantly. I was tired of the feeling by sophomore year, so I was urged to come out, as it may help me in my journey to find love. It didn't, but it helped some other parts of me. With my coming out, I did get a few messages from a few guys, but none were boyfriend material or even my type.

People say I'm picky, but I think I just know what I want. I generally like what is called a bear/cub. These types of guys are hairier, chubbier, and a lot more cuddly than most other guys. I don't require that a guy be a cub, but It's always a plus.

I loathe for the touch of a man. The heavy warm touch that they bring. The fur covering his body. To stroke my hands through his short hair. Stroke his scruffy beard. I yearn for the moment when I can wrap my arms around a thick bellied cub with fur down his chest down to where the sun don't shine and just cuddle with him and rub his chest. To feel his muscle and his strong arms wrap around my waste or my neck as he kisses me passionately. To feel the little scruff of a mustache and beard when his lips touch mine. His big heavy hands running all over my body. The touch of a man is unforgettable, and for me seems unattainable.

I just want someone to hold and someone to hold me. I want somebody to cuddle with in the cold or during a movie or just in relaxation. I want someone to hold hands with and kiss in the corners of the stairwells and when we part ways. Someone to go on double dates and go to amusement parks with and always count on them to sit with me. Someone to allow me to ditch my "friend" because I thought they'd be fine. Someone to say I love you back to me and kiss me passionately. Give me tight hugs. Fight with. Tell me how if I were to live for 100 days, they'd only want to live til the second to last second of my life, so they wouldn't live a moment without me and have to worry about me living without them.

I just want a boyfriend. But until then, I must try to keep a smile on my face and in my heart and remain patient, for my time shall come. Thanks for listening!

~Be Breezy!~

Community

Community, that group of people with like minds that we all seek so we feel a little less judged. In a community, there are people who are generally in the same situation. Whether it is a neighborhood filled with houses that are similar in income situation and wants for being there, or in personality. The black community, Asian community, anime community, gay community, LGBT community, Facebook communities, or in my case, the bear community. The main important thing that is there for mostly every community, is acceptance. Something everyone deserves.

This is something that everyone deserves and should have, but sadly that's not how things are. I am in an area where there isn't much community for who I am. I feel like I am alone in this town and no one understands. I'm lacking that sense of community... That sense of acceptance.

The community that I take part in, or fall into, is the bear community. A bear is defined as a gay guy that is generally a little more masculine, a little on the heavier side, and very hairy. And sometimes even older, but I don't include that sometimes. Then with the bear comes a cub. Which is what I fall into. A cub is just a younger and more playful version of a bear. Also could be the more submissive in a bear/cub relationship, but not always.

This community is misjudged as a whole already, so I think to be without that sense of community there, times can be very lonely and very self judgmental. Bears and cubs are not really the "norm" when it comes to attraction and whenever it is brought up that a guy like that gets a person going, it usually makes the person on the other side get going on their merry way. They are sometimes shunned by their very own gay brothers. I always felt it was the hardest thing to come out as gay, but I was wrong.

I came out in school at the beginning of the second semester of my sophomore year in high school. I had so many struggles with who was gonna turn away and who would still be my friend and just change in general. But once I made that leap and found out there was nothing for me to fear, I noticed a new thing to fear. My second coming out. Not only do I like guys, but I don't like those skinny A-list gay guys that are over the top flamboyant and where make up and manscape. I like big burly men with hairy chests, a belly, and scruffy beards. I like my guys with some depth to them. I even like it when guys have love handles. So you see where my second closet door is.

And just like being gay, being a cub and liking bears is not something that is easy to take in. I remember when my bro found out that I liked bears... I was TERRIFIED!!! But just as he expected, I played it cool and brushed it off. But that doesn't escape me from the fear of everyone else knowing. I told one of my best friends for years about my attraction to bears maybe 4 years after I told him I was gay... And I did that over MySpace! It was like pulling teeth, and it was just as uncomfortable as coming out the first time. But I made the leap and now a couple of my closest friends know.
But again, that doesn't help me get it out. I've managed to get up the courage to like bear photos and follow bears on my instagram knowing that people can see that. But I still lie on occasion about what kind of guys I like. But it all comes from lack of acceptance, which can only be resolved (at least in my case) by community.

With community, I can converse with other bears and cubs and get myself to open up about my attraction and become more comfortable with myself. It can be so lonely being the only cub around and not getting to talk about it. And even worse, I don't want to talk about it even when people try and see because of the rejection that I'm scared of occurring. I'm afraid that people will be disgusted and give me a cold shoulder and never talk about anything gay ever again.

I long for the experience of a bear event. To be with a bunch of people who know me, have been me, who understand me. And I know people feel like this all the time. I just wish it didn't always take so long to fix.
So with this post, let us learn to stop judging people for who they are or what they like. And form one big community of love and acceptance. Thanks for listening!
~Be Breezy~

Locker Room Talk: One of the guys, or one of the girls?

Aaahhh the locker room. The place where everyone reflects on what just happened in gym and the new scoop in school. Now as guys, we love talking about sex. We don't do gossip as much, but got a story about who's getting smashed by who, and everyone's all ears. They may talk about how this girl did this and that in this position and how it felt and everyone laughs and gives the guy his props.

Now, I laugh and listen too, but with every locker room conversation brings to mind the reminder that I'm different. Not only do I feel a little awkward because I can't look at somebody for too long or else someone might say something, but I have to feel different and completely excluded from these conversations. In a big group of guys, of course they wanna talk about their sex lives and such, but of course only if they're straight stories.

This brings to the question that constantly plagues my mind: "Am I one of the guys, or one of the girls?" I always wondered why gay guys might get along with girls more than guys and I can kind of see why. The mutual "locker room talk" about guys. I can't have that conversation with another straight guy without one of us getting a little uncomfortable... And of course, the straight guy is a lot more uncomfortable than I am. With girls, we just pass back and forth which guy is cute or not.

Not only do I get along with girls on a sexual oriented level, but on a fashion level. I could go on for hours about what clothes to wear with what and what new clothing brand and so on. And I can be a little effeminate with it too without being totally judged. Or I could be masculine and still not be judged. With guys, they may not want to talk about it as much, or they may point out the femininity in my voice or something and judge me.

But I connect with guys on another level. I'm not a complete sports guy, but when It's time to play football, I can relate. We can relate on a physical level about certain body functions. They can help me cater to my masculine side without me having to worry about being too rough, and I like getting rough, so they don't have to worry either. (No pun intended)

But there is no great place for me in the locker room. I don't talk about girls, cause um... Yeah, GAY. And I can't get too personal with girls because they don't understand the whole bear/cub thing and that's where judgments get passed. No way to escape it either because it is everywhere... Barbershops, school, classes, gatherings, etc. And every experience can only remind on how I am different.

So am I one of the guys, or one of the girls? Feel free to answer if you have dealt and/or struggled with this. Thanks for listening.

~Be Breezy~

The Girlfriend Talk

Ok, so let's set up the scene. Right now I am a 16 year old closeted teenager living in the house of two old-fashioned African American parents that were born in the 60's. My parents aren't too religious, but they aren't too accepting of the "gay lifestyle". My dad has made it clear to me and my brother since day one that being gay is unacceptable and is ungodly, and if we think we're grown enough to make that "decision", then we were old enough to live on our own. He has yet to say one nice thing about gay people in my sixteen years of life, so you can imagine my fear in telling him.

My mother... Is no different. She was born in the South, which everyone knows is one of the MOST close minded area. With that, she has her faith in god and reads her bible and has it set that gay is ungodly and unacceptable... Do you see why my parents are such a match made in heaven? In all the times being gay or homosexuals have come into conversation, she has usually referred to them as fags. I remember telling her that times have changed and people are more accepting nowadays and her response was, "gays will never be accepted!".

Now I don't want to create this whole bad energy around my parents because they are not awful people; ignorant and arrogant, yes, but not awful. My mom associates with the gay people in my family, but my dad will hardly give them a second look. My dad was tempted to tell his nephew to stay away from me and my brother so he wouldn't try to "influence our thought" or "enforce the gay upon us". So again, you can assume why I stay closeted at home.

But this is different at school. I know my school and peers to be very accepting of gay people. My school has done tons of anti-bullying assemblies and activities and we are all sick of it because we are very well off already. Now just because I say that doesn't mean I know there isn't any, because there is. But I didn't come out in school until last year, the second semester of my sophmore year. By that time, I already was friends with almost the whole student body and everyone had already had their opinions of me, and I knew it wouldn't change. I knew I was the same person regardless and my peers noticed that too when I came out. It gave them a chance to get to know me more and for me to allow them entry into my life.

The problem derrives from the split lives that I live. Kind of like that girl that you see on tv whom's parents are very religious and don't like her wearing certain things, so she keeps extra clothes in her locker or at a friend's house so she can change and lead the life she wants to outside of home. But as we all know, those fronts can only go on for so long. Being that my parents don't know I'm gay, they don't know that I don't like girls. And thus, the problem is revealed!

I hate having to continuously lie to my mother and father about why I don't have or want a girlfriend. Last week I had this modeling even that I was modeling in and my parents have always noticed that I have a lot of pretty girl's around me. So the general question is, why don't you have a girlfriend? What about that pretty girl? Why don't you like her?

I have a brother that is eleven months older than I am, so he is expected to be dating and so on as well. He will bring home girls and my parents enjoy meeting his girlfriends and him talk about he's going out on a date and so forth. But then there is me whom doesn't want a girlfriend, and I have to come up with a lie everytime as to why I don't.

Everytime I think I've defeated their reasonings and questions around this topic, they always come back again. Back when I was dating girls, my parents used to have everything to say about it! And then my sophomore year I purposely allowed my parents witness my kiss with a girl! Just to throw them off my gay trail! And then over the summer I told them I had a different girlfriend and after that I told them I didn't want a girlfriend because they either annoyed me, weren't right for me, or I was playing the field.

But they have all managed to be questioned! "Isn't that girl good enough for you?" "What's wrong with her?!" Why can't they just stay out of my business? I know they want me to be happy and find someone who is right for me, but you don't got to ask me every couple of weeks to see if there was a magical princess that is my knight in shining armour, or in their minds, Juliet to be Wed and bed.

And it doesn't stop there! All adults do this! They assume I'm straight, understandably, and ask if I'm a "killer with the ladies". Let these adults see one girl with her arm around mine or coming to see me and I'm a womanizer or pimp. They will all be ready to tell me to stop flirting or go off with that girl cause she's cute or you should get used to how girl's are because you'll be spending the rest of your life with her and it just upsets me cause it makes it harder to say I'm a player for the other team.

I may be getting upset over something that isn't a big deal to some, but it bugs me because these are the comments that tell some young guys that you should be with a girl. And that's what leads to young gay men feeling bad about themselves or hiding who they are even longer. But that is part of this gay cub's battle with society... But I'll win someday. Thanks for listening,

~Be breezy!~