Pride

Pride. The feeling of pleasure in one's own achievements. To feel proud of one's self. Today, I am missing the pride parade in New York City. While everyone one is out partaking in this celebration of who they are, I am staying home in the closet baby sitting and working. It really upsets me to be missing this celebration because we have even more to celebrate! The Defense of Marriage Act was named unconstitutional and marriage equality is now brought into California. So not only do we get the chance to celebrate who we are, we get to celebrate another step closer to true equality. But going to pride is a lot more than just a celebration to me. For me, it goes much deeper than that.

I am closeted at home. So I have no way of really being who I am. I can't walk around with rainbows on and throw myself out very flamboyantly. I can't scream out "I'm gay" and feel happy. I won't have that feeling of safety amongst my gay community. I won't have that feeling of community around me.

At the parade, I could hang out with my cousins and rejoice in celebration. I could wear my rainbow suspenders and bandana with pride. I can kiss another guy in pure happiness without having to fear anything. I can dance to all the music that's playing. I could feel safe amongst my gay family. I could mingle amongst more gay people and make some longtime friends.

For me, pride is an opportunity to be as flamboyant as I want and wear as many rainbows as I can without feeling self conscious. It is a place to feel like I belong somewhere. Out here, I don't have that feeling. I don't have many gay friends and I don't like wearing my rainbows all the time because I feel as though I'm throwing it out there. Pride is my opportunity to be proud if who I am, which isn't always easy to do.

I just recently started being able to admit that I like bears. Before, I thought it was something i had to hide. I was ashamed of it. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone because I wasn't ok with it... But now I have started taking pride into that part of me. I have learned that it was ok to like other bears and that there are others like me. This is something to celebrate. The ability to feel happy about who I am.

Over all, I hope everyone has a great time at the pride parade. I wish I could take part in the celebration, but things just didn't seem to work out in that way. Thanks for reading! Happy pride!

Feeling defeated...

This is gonna be another internal post. Probably not too long because I don't really know what everything is until I get it all out. I hate expressing myself generally because it feels like complaining. There are so many people out in the world that are doing better than me. I have a pool, a big house, air hockey, my own room, a piano, a smart phone, etc., and I have the nerve to complain? But that's also why I started this blog. To get my feelings out there instead of always bottling everything inside and creating more destruction in my mind and hopefully not, my heart. So onwards!

These types of mornings pass me by every once in a while. Those mornings of just defeat. Where you feel like nothing has been going right or anything you want to happen is happening. Then you look for things that have gone wrong and let them weigh on you. It might be just me, I doubt it though. I feel a little spoiled when thinking about it actually. Throwing a tantrum because I'm not getting my way. But what's causing this defeat?

I couldn't sleep last night because I was so tired and sore that I kept twisting and turning. Then on top of that, I kept craving cashews. So no sleep. Then I bought my mother flowers last night. Just to tell her I loved her. What happens? She isn't coming home today. So now the flowers might not look as good by the time she sees them. Next, my mom gives us a coupon for the China buffet and I wanna go out to eat. The bros can't/ font feel like going. Everytime I try to make plans, they never work out because of that, but when everybody else wants to make plans, I'ma dick or It's my fault if I don't follow through. Same with six flags, I'm the only one tryna make these plans telling everyone to take off and they got a billion and one things. Next, there's nothing for breakfast. I planned on eating a steak sandwich, but there was only enough bread to make one.

With all that stuff going on, the only thing that comes to mind is, nothing is going right. Along with the terrible morning, I'm reminded that it is pride weekend and I can't go. I have to stay home and work... Closeted. I can't wear my rainbow bandana or suspenders or even buy ne a new pair. All over Instagram people are celebrating who they are and I can't. If nothing could go right this morning, why couldn't I at least be able to go to that?

It's also P-town this weekend. And all I'm gonna see is the big bear gatherings on instagram. How I missed out on all the insta meet and greets. How I don't get to party and drink. How I missed out on creating a bromance or brocubs or even a husbear.

On top of that, I'm reminded that I'm single. That I'm lonely. My bros have their girlfriends this weekend. They can kiss and act all lovely dovey and text all day while I sit in lonely despair. I have no cuddle buddy this weekend or anybody to share my happiness in the end of doma. Everyone else has got plans except me. Everyone's got somebody... Except me.

So now I get to eat my breakfast all alone, while watching digimon and get ready for another shift at work when I could be preparing for pride or even a good dinner tonight. Sorry for the story of defeat this morning everyone. I hope at least you're having a good weekend. Thanks for reading. Happy pride everyone!

~Be Breezy~