Cub Vs. Guy Talk

You know that conversation that you have with your group of friends about how she looks cute? Or in girls' cases, he looks cute. Or how your friends talk about how they'd like to fuck this person in this position and run your toungue all over. That's what I'm talking about. Now, I'm calling it guy talk because I'm a guy and my issue mainly deals with guys. Not to say that females don't do this, because they probably do, I'm just more familiar with my bros doing it.

Every guy does this. They get comfortable and get raunchy. Which is fine! We all have sex, it ain't nothin to hide! We all masturbate; again, nothing to hide! And guys have thrown away their shame behind these mannerisms and just decide to be open about them. When he says how he'd like to fuck her in that hole with his finger here, he knows someone else was gonna say it anyways or they were gonna say it about somebody else.

My issue with this is when It's my turn. I have a lot of guy friends, most of which are straight. I don't mind you guy talking with me! Shit, I'll probably gas it up and join in! But when I start guy talking, I expect the same! I hate how I'm generous enough to listen and tag along in your guy talk and you dismiss mines! What, I can't be open about my sex life? Or lack of...

In this gay-themed movie called "Weekend", one of the main characters brings this up. He says how people are ignorant about what we do because we don't talk about it. And if they (straight people) get to be open about their sex, why can't we?! That's society's way of oppressing us. So with that, we should be open about our sex!

Now, I'm not too comfortable talking about me getting fucked or fucking him or anything like that, but I expect guys to be ready to listen ad I've listened to them. Just like one of my friends. He loves to talk about how he talks to all these girls and he never once asks me about how I am with guys. He never even considers it, and when I'm ready to talk about it, he has nothing to contribute to conversation! I understand that he is not too accepting about guys dating guys, but It's called being considerate. If I have to listen to you go in about girls, then you have to listen to me go on about guys!

This is kind of a short post, but It's ok. Feel free to add in your thoughts in the comments. Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has an awesome pride weekend!

Cub Vs. Religion

Ok, so this is a hard thing to challenge. I'm going to piss some people off, but hey, this is my blog right?! Why is religion so hard to challenge? Because it is something that cannot be proven. Religion is something that is solely internal. Nothing is based off of fact. This is especially challenging for me because of this. I am one of those people where I need to see it to believe it. Sometimes... It was one thing as a kid and believing in stuff, but I grew out of that. But something that just popped into my head contradicted that statement.

When I was a kid, I remember watching The Santa Clause with Tim Allen. In this movie, Charlie says something to him that just struck me: "Have you ever seen a million bucks? Tim: "No." Charlie: "Just because you haven't seen it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist!" Which brings me back to my initial point of, it just can't be proven.

Another thing that makes this hard to challenge is the comprehension. The bible/Torah etc. Are all so hard to understand! You may understand it in one way, and it turns out to mean something completely different! Someone just posted on my instagram about how in the bible it says Leviticus 20:6 A man shall not lie with another man or he shall be stoned. That could be comprehended to mean gays must be high! I joke, but I'm also serious. People take things into different perspectives. Which is religion is a topic best to be left alone.

My problem with religion? Personally, me and religion never got along. It always seemed to keep people in fear and stop them from doing or thinking things they would normally do/think. I have friends for example who are very religious. They would not marry someone outside of their religion. Now, I an in no way saying there is anything wrong with that, but to me it seems utterly ridiculous! Just because she/he doesn't believe in your God she is somehow not worthy of your love? If there was no such thing as religion, then she would have an equal opportunity! Also, one of these friends said he felt bad about the sexual thoughts he had been having towards girls. Because (now I don't know the true line, but I'm paraphrasing) he shall not be lead by temptation. That's fucking ridiculous! Everyone has sexual thoughts! To deny those thoughts because someone who may or may not be real said that isn't right?! That sounds like your being more of a follower.

Which brings me to my next problem with religion. I am no follower. So I refuse to live my life according to some "higher being" and he may not be right or real. Who is he/she to tell me that I can't have sex before marriage? Who is he/she to tell me that I may not lie with another man?! I am my own person and I lead my life. I do not follow anyone. ESPECIALLY if he/she has no proof of it being wrong or anyone has any proof of this person being real.

So these problems I have with religion already put me on a bias about it. But even without those biases, it still has no place to be brought into a political argument. Why? Because it can NOT be proven. When people bring up God in a debate about homosexuality and say that he said that it is a sin, I want to burst out into a rant! Much like this... Because, how do you know he said that? Oh, because some man INSPIRED by this man wrote it down? Over 5 or so milleniums ago when there was no real written language and it was converted into a bunch of different languages where they don't necessarily have the same meaning? Oh... Ok. That makes perfect sense.

Fuck that! I am supposed to lead by that?! Not even by a man who MET this "God" and heard him preach that being gay was a sin?! And even if he heard this "God" preach that, who's to say he was right?! But for the sake of argument, let's say this happened. Who's to say that that's what he really said?! The written word has been changed so many times through language conversion and word of mouth that it could've said anything! And it was so long ago, how do you know if he really meant homosexuality in the general sense it means today?! It could have meant something completely different! It was so long ago, homosexuality probably wasn't even thought of, never mind it being thought of as being a problem! And the fact that people would still rather follow that than go for what America truelly stands for completely astounds me.

And that's what truelly eats at me and stops me from really liking religion. Because people are so quick to believe some dusty old book of stories rather than believe what's right in front of them: LOVE. Some people will quickly forget that we stand for a country of EQUAL opportunities. My main rights are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Not life under God, liberty if God said it was ok, and God's view of happiness. Why stop me from my GOD GIVEN rights as a human being because of something that cannot be proven? But I bet you I can prove that man kneeling down on one knee proposing to the man in front of him, loves him. I bet you I can prove that lesbian couple promising to stay together in sickness and in health, truelly love each other. You know what's great proof of that? The fight. The fight we have endured. We have lost countless family members, friends, work opportunities, etc. All because we were fighting for the right to love. If this was just a phase, why keep fighting? You can't prove to me that he didn't intend for us to win these fights. Because as you guys love to say, "God doesn't make mistakes."

Thanks for listening everyone. I hope I didn't piss off anyone too bad. My only goal was to open people's eyes, but by all means, fight me on it. But unless your God comes down to my face and proves he's real, your wrong. Until then, we'll keep winning battles of love. And if there really is a God, you know how I know he is ok with this? Because of our victory just the other day with marriage equality in California and the destruction of DOMA. There's your proof.

Misconception vs. Reality

Ok, so a couple of weeks back, I came out at the barbershop. I used to go to school with one of the barbers there and he knew of my involvement in the school's GSA. I eventually gave way into his curiosity and came out to him. This was something I wasn't expecting...

I knew this kid as the immature party guy that everyone loved. He used to touch guys and rub us in chorus to make us feel uncomfortable, he was cool with everyone, and he was pretty attractive. I never thought this kid could be mature. He was a grade ahead of me, but acted like a freshman for as long as I knew him! But now, here was this same guy, grown up, married, graduated from high school, mature, and talking about his future. And he even had his very own mature thoughts in my sexuality and standing in my coming out process.

He explained that his sister's brother was gay and his grandfather was gay so he was used to it and he knew how it effected people. He was never really homophobic, I just thought he was one of those guys that acted gay, but when it came down to it, would punch the shit out of a guy who'd flirt with them!

Anyways, later throughout our conversation about homosexuality, my usual barber jumps into the conversation and then this conversation turned more into a debate. I was in no way offended by what they said because this was just a matter of sharing feelings and thoughts. I said what I thought and they thought what they thought. Did I agree with them? Not all the time, but that's part of debates. They also said some things that didn't quite make sense to them, but did to me, but they still would run around with it.

My usual barber had these misconceptions about being gay that most old-fashioned people would say, that were just blatantly wrong. I think I even heard my dad say some of these things... One of the things he said was that gay people try to hog attention. This I know my dad say. His example was with the new outing in the NBA by Jason Collins. "Who cares about him being gay?! It has nothing to do with the game! Don't think you're going to get special treatment because you're gay! And why do they make such a big deal about it in entertainment. It has nothing to do with anything!".

To this I knew the answer and he couldbt help but agree. These people in the public eye are viewed as role models. Kids look up to these people and it is important that these people set kids in the right direction, whether It's standing out against something, standing for something, or being true to yourself. Before Collins, there were no openly gay players in the NBA. This makes it seen like this sport isn't for gay people. This makes kids feel bad about themselves and feel like they can't follow their dreams because of their homosexuality. What Collins did by coming out was show that it is possible to be a basketball player and gay. Same goes for Anderson Cooper,  Ricky Martin, and frank ocean. What they did was show that you can be gay and a famous news reporter or entertainer. This made kids realize that they are not alone. That they have someone to relate to them and to look up to.

Another thing my barber had a problem with was "how gays push their homosexuality on everyone. It's only your business, you don't gotta tell the whole world you're gay. You don't see straight people running around saying 'I'm straight' or throwing parties and shit!" The answer to this misconception is we're not. We are not pushing anything on anyone. All we are doing is letting everyone know that we are here and we are going to be heard. We tell people so that they may know another gay person so they know whom it is that they may be talking about when they try to slander our names. So they can realize there is something other then straight families. You hear us all the time because we are fighting for acceptance. We are not trying to push anything on you. You know why straight people don't run around telling people their straight? Because it is accepted and expected. We have to go that extra mile to tell everyone that we don't like the opposite sex. And then on top of that, we have to deal with whoever just moved out of our lives! You know why we have pride parades, because most of us can't and aren't proud to be who we are and this is to say It's ok. Straight people font have to worry about that because they don't have to hide that aspect of themselves. We do.

The last thing that he said, which admittingly pissed me off a little, was "They are trying to teach little kids how to be gay. They are trying to teach my little 10 year old and 7 year old about cock and balls. Now I gotta worry about sending my children to a school where they talk about that? Fuck that, kidnergartners don't need to know about that shit!" My barber is referring to SB48 in California where it states that schools must provide education in homosexuality. For one thing, his facts were wrong, this policy is not for kindergartners. It is for kids that are mature enough to hear and handle this information. For me, sexual education happened right at the end of 5th grade to prepare us for this knowledge in 6th grade and so on. At this age we were about 9-11. At this point in time, some kids have already started going through puberty and most kids had already been dating and have had their first kisses done and over with a while back. This is where this knowledge comes in handy because this is the age where kids start experimenting and asking questions. They are not going to tell a kidnergartner who has no idea who the president is about any form of love. You don't tell your 1st grader about pussy and boobs right? Why would we tell them about cock and balls then? All SB48 is saying is to provide the homosexual information along with heterosexual. Which could basically be done by just acknowledging what it is and the dangers that can come from it.That is all they did with hetero sex, why would it be any different? To explain homosexuality, all you need to do is define it. Then tell them to throw on a condom and get tested. There is no explanation of what goes where and who does what. They don't tell us what goes where and how to do what with hetero sex. We are not teaching kids how to be gay or teaching any "homosexual behaviors". Just informing students that another form of love is out there known as homosex and that is just as risky as heterosex.

This is what I hate about debates, but also what I love about them. I hate it when people use this one thing that gay people have done, but don't loom into what it is and assume It's something bad. Then they pass it on as knowledge and then comes up as a misconception. I like when they come up against me with those misconceptions because then I have a chance to shut their dumbasses up! They have no idea what they're talking about or what we're doing, so don't try and create misconceptions out of something you don't understand.

Thanks for reading anyone, I hope everyone enjoyed! Have a great day guys!

~Be Breezy~

Like Father, different son?

Ok, there have been a couple of signs telling me I had to write about my dad. This morning and this afternoon, I just so happened to have caught to episodes of Law and Order: SVU. Coincidentally, both episodes had to do with disapproving attitudes from fathers to their homosexual sons. What are the odds that both the episodes pertained to an incident that happened about a day or two ago?

What was the incident you ask? Well everyone, gather round, cause It's story time! My friend, whom I consider my brother and refer to as bro, asked me to sleep over his house so we could watch cartoons. Now mind you, he is straight and has a girlfriend, plus he.lives down the street. I sleep over his house all the time, and his parents love it! They insist that me and my brother sleep over. His parents are going through a horrible divorce and us being around helps calm the tensions a little, that and help take my bro away from it all. Along with me sleeping over, he sleeps over here all the time! The problem occurred when my dad was in the process of saying no.

I wasn't thinking about what I was saying because he had already said no and therefore, I shut him out, but he asks "where do you sleep." And I said either on the couch, the floor, or on the bed with him. This set my father on a rant. Like I said, I hadn't thought of my answer. He went on and on about how I shouldn't be doing that and how It's wrong and more Bullshit. Which led to, I can't ever sleep over there again.

Obviously, My dad is VERY homophobic. He told me and my brother from day one that he doesn't condone "homosexual behavior" practice in his house. If we were old enough to make that "decision" to be gay, we were old enough to live in your own and therefore, get out. My sister thinks he would even go as far as to kill me. And the way he reacts to it, I am starting to see it myself.

How do I feel about this? Actually, I don't care to a certain degree. I care about what he says and I get pissed off, but to know that he may walk out of my life based on that one factor... I couldn't utter a flying fuck. Me and my dad have never been close. I have never had a heart to heart with him or a willing conversation. There was one point in my life where I said I despised him and everything he stood for. I didn't want any part of him in my life. It has only been recently, and hardly at that, that I would say I love him, but don't like him.

Where did this come from? Our history. I feel like it started with him hitting us as kids. It left bad imprints in our minds which started our hatred for him. And with that, we used to be exhilarated that he would be going to work. Then it was also the cold attitude he had towards everything. All of my friends notice it and they get a bad vibe off him. Another one, and one of the biggest, I can't stand his ignorant attitude. He acts as though he knows everything about everything because he's got a couple years of life on us and been around. He may know one aspect about one subject and base the whole thing off one generalization and then try to lecture us about it. Probably the last, but definetly the biggest reason, he hit my mother. I remember clearly her running downswairs into the basement to trying to get away from him and he followed her and beat her with his belt. I remember her screaming for him to stop and he kept doing it. Then he finally came upstairs and went to his room and left her in the basement crying.

Another time was when she was upstairs and telling him to leave her alone and then the next thing I hear is a bang. Followed by that bang was her cry. She was crying for him to stop, but he wouldn't. Next I heard what sounded like a vibration on the ceiling as he continuously hit her and she cried in pain...

I will NEVER forget those nights. They repeat back to me every couple of nights and I can't help but worry about her. This same man she sleeps next to every night is the same man who said he wouldn't do it again, but then did it again, and again... He hasn't done it in a while, but I will NEVER forgive him for that. You do not EVER put your hands on ANYONE. Especially not your spouse.

All of these factors are included in my resentment towards my father. It feels like I have gone most of my life without someone I'd like to call a father figure. He's been there, but hardly. My sister grew up without her biological father, and grew up with him. I told her I'd be fine with my father not being in my life anymore and I wouldn't care. She begs to differ. She feels that I will miss him and I will feel that difference.

But what will I be losing? Someone who tried to change me from who I was every step of the way. When I was younger and even still sometimes now, he criticizes everything I do because of how I do it. When I was a kid and used to play these pretend storylines with my brother, we would sometimes play as girls. At first I guess it was fine, but as we got older, my brother's voice changed first so I was the only one who could do a girl voice and ny dad had a problem. He asked, "why do you always talk in such a girly voice when playing?" When my niece lived with me, around the same time I was figuring out I was gay, I apparently picked up "gay tendencies". I talked with my hands a lot and exaggerated words when talking to my niece, whom was a baby at the time so I did it as baby talk. This came out to be a huge problem for him. He would expose these tendencies in front of everyone and let me know how unmanly it was.

I can't get my ears pierced because he thinks guys with ear rings are gay. He wouldn't let me wear anklets because they were gay. He got annoyed with me always hanging out with girls because it made me look gay. I couldn't do the play because it made me seem gay. He had a problem with most of the things I wanted to do and was when ibwas younger which brought down my confidence as a teenager.

I worry about being too flamboyant or talking with my hands or looking a certain way a little too much. I used to ask my friends all the time if they thought I was flamboyant and it would kill me more and more everytime. He took away a lot of my sense I had of who I was; a part I am trying to find today.

I will not miss that. Not in the slightest. I will also not miss someone who will be disapproving to the life I'm going to lead. I'm not going to miss that feeling of worry because I don't know how he will react to the man I love. I won't miss the worry I have for how he will react to the children I will have. I won't miss his judgemental stares. I won't miss his cold attitude, his ignorance, and especially his ability to do harm.

I will not miss it, and throughout this whole post I realize how much stuff he has put me through and how it had affected me. Don't get me wrong, I had a good life and he is partially responsible for that. But he is also responsible for mos of my insecurities and loss of who I am. In the end, time will tell if he will leave or not and if he does, I'll be ready for it. And I feel like it will hurt him a lot more than it will hurt me. Thanks for listening everyone. Just remember to love and cherish those that are close to you. And watch what you say, because you very well me be hurting the person who is closest to you... Have a great day!!!
~Be Breezy!~

Knock knock, don't come in!

I shouldn't deal with all the stuff I do by myself. I think about a lot and overthink a lot and I don't let it out. I don't let myself cry. I don't vent to anyone. I don't listen to anyone. I don't let anyone in. It's not healthy and is probably hurting me a lotore than I think, but it can't be worse than what it could be.

There are several reasons to why I don't tell people my problems. One because they are my own, two because I don't want them to think I'm always complaining, three because they wouldn't understand. Let's tackle these one by one.

In my first reasoning, I state they ate my own as my reason behind not letting people in. They are my own problems, not someone else's. They shouldn't have to listen to me bitch and moan. Plus, with all the people that can't keep their mouths shut, you can't tell most anyone anything anymore. People will tell their best friends and then that's already more people than I wanted to know! I don't want my business all out their on the street for everyone's discussion. That's how rumors get started and fake friends arise.

In my second reasoning, I state complaining ad my second reason. I hate sounding like a big cry baby. I don't physically have anything wrong with me, while there are other kids in hospital facing death in the fight against cancer and can't even live their own lives and I have the nerve to bitch and moan? I'm lucky I can have problems like these that fade in comparison to real diseases. Plus, I know what It's like to have someone complain to you all the time. It gets to be annoying and it seems that's all you end up talking about everytime they see you. I don't want to annoy anyone with my problems. My problems occur almost everyday it feels like, and I can see them getting annoyed.

Lastly, and my most important reason, they wouldn't understand. I HATE it when people pry and they give you answers like "it'll be ok" or "it'll happen" and especially "yeah, I understand.

How the fuck do you know of it'll be ok? What if everything that could possibly go wrong does? What do I do to make it get better? What do I do until then? Still think it'll be ok?

"It'll happen" generally refers to my huge issue with being single. The problem is not knowing whether not it will happen. The problem is waiting until then and coping with it. You telling me "it'll happen" is about as helpful as telling someone with a sprain, it'll heal... Obviously it'll heal, but what are they to do until then? My problem is I've been single for so long and it is obviously starting to hurt me mentally and emotionally. It'll happen, does not change my relationship status.

And lastly, "yeah, I understand". This one probably pisses me off the most! What the fuck do you know about being closeted to two old-fashioned black parents and knowing you're going to have to come out to them with the risk of losing them or even harm. What could you possibly understand about having to hide certain aspects of yourself because that part of you isn't socially acceptable? What could you possibly know what It's like to have to come out twice? To be that one person who can't find love because there isn't anyone for him around? To feel the shame after every sexual encounter you have because that isn't how it should've gone? To not know exactly who you are inside? To question who you are everyday? To consistently crush on people you can't have and end up hurting yourself?

The answer to all of those questions is you don't. Don't say I understand because you don't. You probably never will, so don't act like you know what I'm going through. Don't act like you have an answer, cause you don't.

This is why I don't let people in. I don't want to involve someone who is irrelevant into my problem and then annoy them. I don't want to hear answers that won't help. I don't want you to try and understand or level with my pain, because you won't. So what is the point?

The point is to just be there. I am there for so many people, and it upsets me that they can't give me the same ear I gave them? I won't stop because I cant help but help, some people could at least show effort into knowing what I'm going through of trying to make me feel better, but they don't.

Oh well, such is life. This cub is tired out his mind, so I'll talk to you later society. Have a great memorial day weekend  everyone!

~Be breezy~

Ready, but not set...

Early this morning, I had an outfit I was planning to wear and I needed my mom to sew the shorts for me. So she forgot and said she would have it ready before it was time for me to leave. Finally she came back to me and told me she couldn't do it and it led to a problem of "what can I wear now".

Now, I don't know if I have a particular problem when it comes to choosing what to wear, but sometimes I just can't. I can't just throw on anything. It has to be perfect for the day almost. If it is warm outside, I can't just throw on any t-shirt and jeans or shorts... It's gotta be the right ones. My family hates helping me pick out what to wear because of this problem. But I don't think they fully understand the extent to which it bothers me.

If I put on something I feel is not right, it physically bugs me. Physically, i will feel wierd, as if I am not myself. And the mental aspect of me will let me feel every second of it. I will be non-stop thinking about how I look and what people will think of me while I'm wearing it; and I never really imagine them saying nice things. In the midst of me ironing my clothes coping with what I settled with wearing, I always think back to what else I could wear that could possibly be better;and then once I've found it, I run downstairs and grab the new stuff! Even though I have no time! It really bugs me and they just don't understand...

I know you're wondering, "what does this have to do with being gay?" Other then the fact of me having a stereotypical fashion sense.. while I was looking for that right outfit for today after she shot the idea of my first choice, she started criticizing all of the clothes I wear. How they're "too tight" or I always have to dress so "flamboyantly". I told her I simply like the style of it, It's just my sense of fashion and people seem to like it. Her response was, "Do you know who dresses like that? Gay people."

Obviously after this comment you can infer that my parents are homophobic. So my response was, for once, "I don't care!" I would never say that to comments like those to my parents because that would lead them to infer that I was gay. They can't know because that puts me and my future at risk. My dad has said since day one that he will not accept homosexual "behavior" in this house and if we think we're grown enough to make that "decision" then we are obviously grown enough toive on our own. I have worked way to hard in school and through life to throw it all away.

Another reason this puts me at risk is my safety. My sister insists I don't tell my dad in person because he might lose control. She thinks he just might kill me. Now I don't know if this is true, but I'm not gonna risk it. So saying this to my mom was a huge thing.

I hate having to lie about who I am. I want to be open and truthful about who I am because I am not ashamed of it. I wanna be able to wear my rainbow suspenders while leaving the house or not have to worry about my mom stumbling upon my rainbow bandana or suspenders. I don't want it to be a shock when I bring home a guy. I hate having to whisper about it and refer to it as the thing when my parents are around. It is simply ridiculous.

This is also why I don't have a problem with going to school. In school, I don't have to hide behind that closet door, as much. People don't know about the whole best community thing, but they know I'm gay so I don't have to worry about anything like that! I can freely say boyfriend or wear rainbows or even dress flamboyantly because it will be accepted and will kind of be expected.

But even though they understand the gay aspect of me, my school has yet to fully understand the bear aspect of me. I still hide behind the leaves that cover my tracks into the cave of bears. I hate having to hide and feel ashamed of that part of me because that is one of my favorite parts about me. I love the bear community and hate having to hide my love for it; but I am getting better. I hashtag gay bear and cub on instagram and people have found out through there or I have my favorite bear community photos on my lock screen and it shoots random photos so it is kind of sprung upon people.

But here's where the not set part comes into play. I want to come out from behind the closet doors, but if I do, I must be sure in who I am. Like I said in a previous post, I'm not exactly 100% sure I am gay. Sometimes I question it, other times I am sure. I never feel sexually attracted to a girl other then just wanting to hold them or kiss them, but it goes further with men. I want to hold, kiss, caress, cuddle, have sex with, etc.

I don't want to come out and then all of a sudden jump back in what I'm saying and figure out I'm straight and was just confused as a child. Or bisexual and just wasn't accepting it. That would give my parents and all those who think It's a decision a satisfaction I don't want them to have. That would hive them the opening they have been waiting for ti say, "see I told you you could change" or "I told you you weren't gay, and now that you have probably caught something, you wanna switch back."

I won't let them have it. That is why I must be sure first. I kind if fucked myself over in school because I came out as gay before ever really being 100% sure and now I can't go back on what I said if I am not sure. If I am all of a sudden attracted to some girl, I can't chase after her without someone questioning her or me, and I am just not ready or strong enough to deal with that yet.

I thought when I started getting more mature I wasn't gonna have to play hide and seek anymore. It was fun as a child, but the fun has faded and I'm ready to play man hunt... The society that surrounds me has kept me in this bind for 16 years going on 17, and I don't know how much longer this cub can hold it. Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has a great memorial day weekend!

~Be Breezy!~

Too much of one thing...

I am a firm believer of "too much of one thing is bad for you". It just makes sense, and in more cases than one. If you have too much sugar, you're going to damage your heart and blood cells. Too much salt will give you high blood pressure. Spending too much time in front of a lit up screen will damage your eyes. Too much of one thing is never good.

This problem has developed in my life, and I'm sure many others out in the world. My too much is loneliness. This loneliness that I have been cursed with has made me almost develope problems out of anything and everything. I feel like I'm alone all the time. The feeling swallows me up in the moments when I am truly alone and in those moments I think of horrible things.

I think of moments when I would be jumped and had to fight people off on my own, getting held at gunpoint, being confronted about who I am by my parents, etc. This loneliness quickly takes the smile off my face and makes me feel something a lot worse than what is happening as if it were happening. I feel this empty feeling in my stomach and surrounding my heart as if it were building lonely blocks from the inside out. I hate it, but I have no control over it.

A huge sign of this forming is when I'm alone now, I talk to myself... And loudly at that. It's almost thinking aloud, but it seems like I do it to hear another voice for me to respond to. I was by myself selling things and my friend was wondering who I was talking to. It was then that I started looking into this more.

I feel as though there is a void that needs to be filled. A void that has been there long enough to create more voids in my body to where it is just a black hole sucking up all my valuables. I feel like I have no friends. I feel like my love is never reciprocated. I feel like I'm no one. I feel like I'm unloveable.

I feel like this all snowballed when I stopped allowing myself to fall for just about anyone that walked pass because it would only lead me to a dead end. Since then, I felt like the loneliness has just piled up and I haven't had anything to replace it. But I can't just start falling for people, even though I still feel I do, because that doesn't help either. I still felt lonely in those days, I was just chasing after someone who would never love me at the same time. So that's not going to help much.

I feel like I need love to distinguish this feeling as a whole. Maybe if part of this void was filled, I would snap out of the rest of it. If I had a boyfriend, maybe it'd snap me out of everything else. Maybe them I could hang out with other friends. Maybe the glass wall of fake problems that form will finally fall to this void of unprovided love and affection.

Like I said, too much of one thing is bad, and it my case, it consumes me. I fight as hard as I can, but I just can't shake it for good. I may stop myself for thinking about it for a second, but a minute later, I realize I am still alone...  Very very alone.

So I thank you all for reading and bearing through this internal battle I have with myself. I'm not yet ready to take this out into society, although society might be able to help me in this case. I should go ask for help, but I just can't allow myself to do it... Everyone, keep a smile on your face and in your heart and I hope you have a great day!

~Be Breezy!~