Ok, so let's set up the scene. Right now I am a 16 year old closeted teenager living in the house of two old-fashioned African American parents that were born in the 60's. My parents aren't too religious, but they aren't too accepting of the "gay lifestyle". My dad has made it clear to me and my brother since day one that being gay is unacceptable and is ungodly, and if we think we're grown enough to make that "decision", then we were old enough to live on our own. He has yet to say one nice thing about gay people in my sixteen years of life, so you can imagine my fear in telling him.
My mother... Is no different. She was born in the South, which everyone knows is one of the MOST close minded area. With that, she has her faith in god and reads her bible and has it set that gay is ungodly and unacceptable... Do you see why my parents are such a match made in heaven? In all the times being gay or homosexuals have come into conversation, she has usually referred to them as fags. I remember telling her that times have changed and people are more accepting nowadays and her response was, "gays will never be accepted!".
Now I don't want to create this whole bad energy around my parents because they are not awful people; ignorant and arrogant, yes, but not awful. My mom associates with the gay people in my family, but my dad will hardly give them a second look. My dad was tempted to tell his nephew to stay away from me and my brother so he wouldn't try to "influence our thought" or "enforce the gay upon us". So again, you can assume why I stay closeted at home.
But this is different at school. I know my school and peers to be very accepting of gay people. My school has done tons of anti-bullying assemblies and activities and we are all sick of it because we are very well off already. Now just because I say that doesn't mean I know there isn't any, because there is. But I didn't come out in school until last year, the second semester of my sophmore year. By that time, I already was friends with almost the whole student body and everyone had already had their opinions of me, and I knew it wouldn't change. I knew I was the same person regardless and my peers noticed that too when I came out. It gave them a chance to get to know me more and for me to allow them entry into my life.
The problem derrives from the split lives that I live. Kind of like that girl that you see on tv whom's parents are very religious and don't like her wearing certain things, so she keeps extra clothes in her locker or at a friend's house so she can change and lead the life she wants to outside of home. But as we all know, those fronts can only go on for so long. Being that my parents don't know I'm gay, they don't know that I don't like girls. And thus, the problem is revealed!
I hate having to continuously lie to my mother and father about why I don't have or want a girlfriend. Last week I had this modeling even that I was modeling in and my parents have always noticed that I have a lot of pretty girl's around me. So the general question is, why don't you have a girlfriend? What about that pretty girl? Why don't you like her?
I have a brother that is eleven months older than I am, so he is expected to be dating and so on as well. He will bring home girls and my parents enjoy meeting his girlfriends and him talk about he's going out on a date and so forth. But then there is me whom doesn't want a girlfriend, and I have to come up with a lie everytime as to why I don't.
Everytime I think I've defeated their reasonings and questions around this topic, they always come back again. Back when I was dating girls, my parents used to have everything to say about it! And then my sophomore year I purposely allowed my parents witness my kiss with a girl! Just to throw them off my gay trail! And then over the summer I told them I had a different girlfriend and after that I told them I didn't want a girlfriend because they either annoyed me, weren't right for me, or I was playing the field.
But they have all managed to be questioned! "Isn't that girl good enough for you?" "What's wrong with her?!" Why can't they just stay out of my business? I know they want me to be happy and find someone who is right for me, but you don't got to ask me every couple of weeks to see if there was a magical princess that is my knight in shining armour, or in their minds, Juliet to be Wed and bed.
And it doesn't stop there! All adults do this! They assume I'm straight, understandably, and ask if I'm a "killer with the ladies". Let these adults see one girl with her arm around mine or coming to see me and I'm a womanizer or pimp. They will all be ready to tell me to stop flirting or go off with that girl cause she's cute or you should get used to how girl's are because you'll be spending the rest of your life with her and it just upsets me cause it makes it harder to say I'm a player for the other team.
I may be getting upset over something that isn't a big deal to some, but it bugs me because these are the comments that tell some young guys that you should be with a girl. And that's what leads to young gay men feeling bad about themselves or hiding who they are even longer. But that is part of this gay cub's battle with society... But I'll win someday. Thanks for listening,
~Be breezy!~
No comments:
Post a Comment