I hate this feeling. The feeling of being alone. Of the jealousy that burns behind my outer doors of emotions. Of feeling unloved...
Being in high school, you never escape the conversation of love, relationships, or crushes. That is the main topic of conversation, and it always has been. Life pretty much revolves around your love life. If you're in a long term relationship, you make decisions for "us", everything might be done for "we" and has be okay with both of us.
If you're in a relationship that just started, usually the world will revolve around it in conversation. You will want to talk about the new relationship, you will hear people say " Oh, you guys are so cute!" And have people asking how the relationship is. You share stories, they share stories, you vent, they vent; the word keeps spinning.
Lastly, but usually always forgotten, the singles. You would think that being single, your world wouldn't revolve around relationships... Unless you are newly single. When single, all you ever see and notice are other couples, the love notes being passed, the rumors getting spread, and how many lonely nights you face. People in relationships conversate with you about relationships, generally theirs, and they don't give a second thought about how you may be feeling about it.
That's what I mean by forgotten, that and being left with no plans because your "friend" decided to make plans over yours and go out with their partner and expect you to be ok. *annoyed face here* I can't say that that situation has happened to me a lot, but its happened. The part about people conversing about relationships to me knowing I've been single pretty much my whole damn life and not considering my feelings happens all the time. I know people can't read my mind and It's hard to read people when they put on a front, but some things are kind of common sense. A gay teenager who just came out about a year ago and has never had a real relationship has GOT to be lonely, of at least feel lonely. And all I want is someone to consider those odds and maybe just offer a little comfort. They don't need to know I'm lonely, but just a little kind reminder that I'll find someone. Usually, I have to remind myself that.
But I can't blame myself for feeling lonely. I haven't dated anyone since last year. And that was a girl! I've never dated a guy, so that true relationship feeling for me, has never been there. I used to talk to a guy, I mean talk, but that was not since the end of '12 and it wasn't even serious. In my 16 years of life, I have yet to feel like my love has been reciprocated in a loving relationship. And after a while, it starts to add up.
This was part of my movement into coming out. I am a very loving person and I wear my heart on my sleeves, so love is a big thing for me. When I was 13 and in my freshman year of high school, my loneliness was catching up to me. My grades were dropping in all my classes, my attitude towards people really started turning, and I got in trouble for snapping at teachers constantly. I was tired of the feeling by sophomore year, so I was urged to come out, as it may help me in my journey to find love. It didn't, but it helped some other parts of me. With my coming out, I did get a few messages from a few guys, but none were boyfriend material or even my type.
People say I'm picky, but I think I just know what I want. I generally like what is called a bear/cub. These types of guys are hairier, chubbier, and a lot more cuddly than most other guys. I don't require that a guy be a cub, but It's always a plus.
I loathe for the touch of a man. The heavy warm touch that they bring. The fur covering his body. To stroke my hands through his short hair. Stroke his scruffy beard. I yearn for the moment when I can wrap my arms around a thick bellied cub with fur down his chest down to where the sun don't shine and just cuddle with him and rub his chest. To feel his muscle and his strong arms wrap around my waste or my neck as he kisses me passionately. To feel the little scruff of a mustache and beard when his lips touch mine. His big heavy hands running all over my body. The touch of a man is unforgettable, and for me seems unattainable.
I just want someone to hold and someone to hold me. I want somebody to cuddle with in the cold or during a movie or just in relaxation. I want someone to hold hands with and kiss in the corners of the stairwells and when we part ways. Someone to go on double dates and go to amusement parks with and always count on them to sit with me. Someone to allow me to ditch my "friend" because I thought they'd be fine. Someone to say I love you back to me and kiss me passionately. Give me tight hugs. Fight with. Tell me how if I were to live for 100 days, they'd only want to live til the second to last second of my life, so they wouldn't live a moment without me and have to worry about me living without them.
I just want a boyfriend. But until then, I must try to keep a smile on my face and in my heart and remain patient, for my time shall come. Thanks for listening!
~Be Breezy!~
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