Coming Out

Today is a very special day. A day we as the LGBT community come together to celebrate a wonderful time in each other's lives. A very wonderful and personal point in time for us all. This day we pay tribute to on October 11 is called National coming out day.

A lot of straight people think this is kind of irrelevent, but they don't understand the importance of coming out. Coming out for anyone is a huge point in a person's life. It is a point in life where a person finds the courage to accept themselves for who they are and let the world know who they are. For LGBT people, this may include coming out as transgender, bisexual, lesbian, or in my case, gay. But coming out comes in different forms. For some people they may come out as a furry, or a gleek, or even an anime geek. Either way, acceptance is the key.

Another thing about coming out, It's something that never ends. We as different people are ALWAYS coming out. Most people will never know certain things about a person unless someone comes out and tells them. I am one of those people who breaks stereotypes pretty well, so with that, I'm constantly having to come out and tell people I'm gay. And of course with that comes with the second coming out as a gay cub. But just because people come out all the time doesn't make it any easier.

Coming out is never easy. Especially the first couple of times. My first time coming out was terrifying. I remember my heart racing and my head going light, and I didn't even do it in person! The first person I told was this butch lesbian who was soo sure I was gay, but I came out to her as bisexual. We weren't close or anything, I guess I just felt like she really couldn't overreact to me because me and her really weren't very different. But after her brought upon the coming out to one of my closest friends. Again, very terrified and hesitant, and still not even in person. I couldn't even get up the courage to do it over instant messaging, I did it through a MySpace email. My heart was racing all the way until he called me later that day and he said he didn't really care. From there, it didn't get much easier.

Sometimes people feel coming out is a lot easier after the first time. That wasn't entirely true for me... I came out to some of my closest friends as bisexual, which wasn't really the truth. It took me until my sophomore year in high school to gain up the courage to ever try coming out again. My next coming out was in a GSA where I was completely choked up and damn near ashamed to say it in front of people who barely knew me and were in the same situation!

From there came the last time I was ever scared of coming out, which was when I decided to come out in school. In this case, I was completely full of anxiety because I knew what I was going to do, just how when was I going to do it? I first told my activity bus driver and we talked for a while about it and I got a little more comfortable and then the next day I ended up just blurting it out at the end of class and everyone accepted it and moved on.

I cherish my coming out and am very proud of it. As should everyone else, which is why I put so much feeling into this day. This is our day to appreciate and reflect on these memories and share our stories in pride and victory. I hope this tradition continues and everyone celebrates the true meaning of coming out. Happy national coming out day and thanks for reading! Feel free to share your stories or kik me or instagram me. Have a great night everyone!

~Be Breezy~

LGB... What's the last letter?

The other day, I was incredibly disgusted. I was so blatantly shocked this happened to us. I know things like this happen all the time, which doesn't make it ok, but I wasn't expecting that to happen that night. It even escalated to the cops being called... Sit down and let me tell you a story...

The other night, me and a couple of friends went to a gay club in Wilkes-Barre and met a couple of great people and decided to go out afterwards. We had decided to go to McDonalds because it was cheap, down the street, and we were hungry. So we go into McDonald's and meet some more people that came from a different gay club and they ate with us. Soon after the tranny from the club we went to comes in with her friends and a group of guys followed soon after.

So as we sit down we hear the tranny, Selina, scream at them for shouting homophobic slurs to her. She gives them the finger and we really overhear them screaming slurs to her. I get up and stand up to them and tell them to leave her alone and mind their own business. The main guy screams at me telling me to "shut the fuck up you faggot, you probably suck her dick too! You ain't gonna do shit!" I told him I wasn't going to do anything, but just tried reasoning with him. His friends tried to calm him down, but this guy was completely consumed by alcohol. His brother even tries reasoning with him only to end with getting punches in the side of the face.

This did result in us all calling the cops and him getting arrested, but me and my friends were so utterly disgusted. The guys all got away free only with getting DUIs. I was calm outside, but furious on the inside. The whole drive home I couldn't help but relive it all in my head.

He continuously harassed Selina for no reason. Yeah, he was drunk, but that's no excuse. If a guy was drunk and had done that to anyone else, he'd've been arrested. He was drunk, disturbing the public, and he hit his brother! I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for him getting away...

I could've talked to the police. I could've told them what he said. There could've been something that I could've done, but I didn't. I just felt helpless.

I really feel for transgendered people and trannies. I feel bad that they are so misunderstood. I hate that they have to worry about what civilization will do to them today. I hate that they have to be scared to walk down the street at night or even use the bathroom, and apparently even walk into a McDonald's.

I really want to learn more about transgendered people, but a lot of them are too scared to even talk about it, but who could blame them when things like this happen all the time. I hope everyone takes consideration into this post and stands up for anyone when they are being picked on because regardless of what we look like on the outside, we are all people and we all deserve respect. Stay safe everyone. Have a good night.

How come he don't want me man...

Today's episode of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air actually really touched me this morning. Actually made me cry. I found it super ironic that that episode would come on today and it has never felt as powerful as it did today. I've seen it a thousand times and even knew the next part, but it still got me choked up.

The episode that was playing was the episode where his father comes back into Will's life and asks to be apart of it. Although I claim to hate my father on moalst occasions and  we don't really have a great, or even ok, relationship, I know who he is and he is here in my life. Most people don't have that. My sister never really had that, my cousin never really had that, and some of my closest friends never had that. Some were lucky enough to have a memory of who their dad was; some don't. Some are left wondering who or what their father was and the only knowledge of them they have is whatever bad comments the family makes about him. Most if not all of these deprived people are always left wondering: Why did he leave? When will he be back? Did I do something? Why doesn't he want me? And that was the part that hit me hard.

Ironically, today is my dad's birthday. And even more ironically, he's not here. But that's because him and my mom left for vacation. But this episode reminded me of how things might go when I come out to him. I actually felt the pain that some of these kids go through for a moment and it all just got to me. My dad has said since day one that if we were grown up to make the decision to be gay, then you were grown up to be on your own. He might even just walk out of my life forever. Not wanting to see me over holidays or my kids.

This is just something I can't understand. I ask myself "how could anyone just pack up and leave like that?" I think about it being related to adoption. When in a bad position, you want to give your kids a better life, so you try to give them away to a good family. But that's not what these people are doing. And I say these people because women do it too. These people are leaving their kid behind with one parent. Almost COMPLETELY making it harder for the child to have a good life. With two of them, they had two salaries or so. Now there's one, if that.

I saw Shark Tale again yesterday for the first time in a while. It hit me that Lenny, the vegetarian dolphin dressing shark, was gay. You had to read between the lines a little bit. It first hit me when he was laying on Oscar's(Will Smith) bed and essentially coming out to him. Lenny tells Oscar how he's never told anyone this, but he is a vegetarian. And it immediately all started coming together. How Lenny was scared to tell him because of ridicule, how he was scared to tell his dad because of fear of rejection, how he had a pretty flamboyant voice and acted a little flamboyant, and the clothing. It all just pointed to him being gay. At the end, he ends up telling his dad that he's a vegetarian and how he enjoys dressing like a dolphin and Oscar sticks up for him telling his dad that he should accept his son for who he is instead of trying to turn him into something he's not. And the father accepts him.

I actually thought about showing the movie to my dad in reference to that. I can't help but think why anyone would just leave someone's life just because of that small part of themselves. So I'm gay... So what? I'm also an entertainer, fashionista, hard worker, intelligent, etc. But you choose to focus on the part of me that really has nothing to do with you? You'd really disown me because the person I choose to marry might be a man? How shallow do you sound?

Like I said, me and my dad were never really close anyways, so if he chooses to walk out, I won't chase him. But will it hurt, yeah. Knowing he couldn't accept that little piece of me, sure. It'll hurt for a while. But it'll hurt him too. He'll have to go in through his life as one of those people who left his kids, but he'll be the kind that did it because of me. I won't ever have to wonder why he left either, which will provide me with closure.

Thanks for reading everyone. Big thumbs up to those parents who stuck it out for their kids through the hard times! Let us all remember to just love each other for who we are and never try to change anyone because you don't like a certain part of them. I hope everyone has a great day!

~be breezy~

Tired of hiding

I'm sick of it. I don't know how much longer I'm going to last. I'm done being left behind. I'm done not having anyone. I'm done with the lonely nights and the textless phone. I'm done hiding tracks and the lies I hold.

Lately, I've been finding it harder and harder to hide the fact that I'm gay to my parents. This all probably started a little while ago back when I was picking out clothes. My mom was criticizing what I wear and said, "you know who wears tight clothing? Gay people." And my response? I don't care.

Normally, when it came to anything gay, I would deny deny deny. Now, it seems I am being more open with my thoughts and I couldn't care less about if they found something or heard something. Before, I would hide my suspenders and rainbow bandana in my backpack and carry it around with me to ensure that my parents wouldn't stumble upon it, but now, it sits in my piano bench. Where anyone can easily open and find it. I think about leaving my gay items around for them to find and not even be worried. But I know that also isn't good.

It's good that I'm mentally and emotionally ready to come out, but I'm not economically ready. I have to remember that I put my entire future at risk by coming out. If I slip up, my parents might kick me out. And then It's all over. I will have no way to really get to work, no shelter, and potentially no future.
I always think about it though. If I left something laying around for them to find and they call me upstairs into their room and we talk about it. I tell them my two cents and we move on. If I were to get kicked out, I could take buses to get to work, stay at a couple of my friends houses, save money and be ready for what the world brings next. I could do it. It is possible, but would that be the best thing to do?

I just can't help it. I'm sick of waiting. Sick of lying. I hate having to come up with a lie as to why I want to go to the library. Why I want to go to ESU. Where I wanna go on Friday night's. I hate having to hide the things that give me pride. My suspenders, rainbow bandana, pamphlets, books, websites, blogs, and videos. Lastly, I hate having to hide who I am. Gay geek. Flamboyant. Cub. Bear lover. Gay pride enthusiast. Gay best friend. Boyfriend.

The main thing is, I want to go out and meet someone! I wanna go to twist on a Friday night and meet a guy and chat and flirt. Have a great time and dance and exchange phone numbers. Text each other the next day to see what's up and when we can get together and move on from there. But while being in the closet, I can't really get there. I have to come up with a legit lie as to where I'm going, when I'll be back, why so late, how I'll get there, and what happened.

I'm just sick of being alone and this closet door isn't helping. I wanna go explore who I am, but I keep running into this annoying ass door! I don't know how much longer I'll last, hopefully I don't snap myself into a bad situation. I just can't help it anymore...

Everything is gay

So I'm in target right now and I was just browsing around and I walk upon the book section. I had been telling myself for a while that I wanted to get myself into more reading. It just seems distinguishing, fun, and relaxing. But if I were to start reading, it would have to be something I'm interested in. Only one thing comes to mind... A little while ago I was searching for books to read and again, only one thing of interest came to mind.

A little while ago I wrote a post called Why is it always the gay where I explained how everything bad that happens to me I happen to blame on being gay. I think I found a little bit of an answer to that. I think It's more than just I'm blaming my bad luck on my homosexuality, the only thing I'm really interested in is homosexuality! Everywhere I go, that is the main thing on my mind. It's almost like I have an obsession with it.

I don't know what it is about being gay. I am just so fathomized by it. The stories on how people figured out who they were. The rejections, the acceptions, the coming process in general! It's one thing that I am attracted to guys and all I can think about is guys, but I feel the need to involve it in my everyday life. The people I watched on YouTube when I was first coming out used to say being gay is just a little piece of you. It is not everything about you. For me It's the opposite! It's a huge part of me! Shapes my character, who I wanna be around, who wants to be around me, my thought process, and my social conversation.

I try not to talk about it a lot because I know a lot of other people don't care nor do they wanna hear about it, but truth is, I love talking about it! I love writing, learning, and reading anything that has to do with it! Not even a lot of gay people like talking about it that much. They feel it is just a little piece that they just glide on over. But me, It's more than just that. It is a huge part of my interests. Like I said, it shapes who I am as a person right now.

Is this a problem? I guess the answer's yes and no. Everyone has their obsession and mines happens to be my sexuality. But I can't let it be everything about me because that's how you turn people away. If some people don't want to hear it, I just have to respect that and move on. But it is an interest of mine and it's fine that I like to read and learn about it! It shows passion and drive! This could even be a sign of me brig a future activist! Who knows?!

Anyways, thanks for reading. Just thought I'd post a thought while I wad waiting for my shift to start and meanwhile it did kill a little time, I still got another 51 minutes... Shoot me..

Pride

Pride. The feeling of pleasure in one's own achievements. To feel proud of one's self. Today, I am missing the pride parade in New York City. While everyone one is out partaking in this celebration of who they are, I am staying home in the closet baby sitting and working. It really upsets me to be missing this celebration because we have even more to celebrate! The Defense of Marriage Act was named unconstitutional and marriage equality is now brought into California. So not only do we get the chance to celebrate who we are, we get to celebrate another step closer to true equality. But going to pride is a lot more than just a celebration to me. For me, it goes much deeper than that.

I am closeted at home. So I have no way of really being who I am. I can't walk around with rainbows on and throw myself out very flamboyantly. I can't scream out "I'm gay" and feel happy. I won't have that feeling of safety amongst my gay community. I won't have that feeling of community around me.

At the parade, I could hang out with my cousins and rejoice in celebration. I could wear my rainbow suspenders and bandana with pride. I can kiss another guy in pure happiness without having to fear anything. I can dance to all the music that's playing. I could feel safe amongst my gay family. I could mingle amongst more gay people and make some longtime friends.

For me, pride is an opportunity to be as flamboyant as I want and wear as many rainbows as I can without feeling self conscious. It is a place to feel like I belong somewhere. Out here, I don't have that feeling. I don't have many gay friends and I don't like wearing my rainbows all the time because I feel as though I'm throwing it out there. Pride is my opportunity to be proud if who I am, which isn't always easy to do.

I just recently started being able to admit that I like bears. Before, I thought it was something i had to hide. I was ashamed of it. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone because I wasn't ok with it... But now I have started taking pride into that part of me. I have learned that it was ok to like other bears and that there are others like me. This is something to celebrate. The ability to feel happy about who I am.

Over all, I hope everyone has a great time at the pride parade. I wish I could take part in the celebration, but things just didn't seem to work out in that way. Thanks for reading! Happy pride!

Feeling defeated...

This is gonna be another internal post. Probably not too long because I don't really know what everything is until I get it all out. I hate expressing myself generally because it feels like complaining. There are so many people out in the world that are doing better than me. I have a pool, a big house, air hockey, my own room, a piano, a smart phone, etc., and I have the nerve to complain? But that's also why I started this blog. To get my feelings out there instead of always bottling everything inside and creating more destruction in my mind and hopefully not, my heart. So onwards!

These types of mornings pass me by every once in a while. Those mornings of just defeat. Where you feel like nothing has been going right or anything you want to happen is happening. Then you look for things that have gone wrong and let them weigh on you. It might be just me, I doubt it though. I feel a little spoiled when thinking about it actually. Throwing a tantrum because I'm not getting my way. But what's causing this defeat?

I couldn't sleep last night because I was so tired and sore that I kept twisting and turning. Then on top of that, I kept craving cashews. So no sleep. Then I bought my mother flowers last night. Just to tell her I loved her. What happens? She isn't coming home today. So now the flowers might not look as good by the time she sees them. Next, my mom gives us a coupon for the China buffet and I wanna go out to eat. The bros can't/ font feel like going. Everytime I try to make plans, they never work out because of that, but when everybody else wants to make plans, I'ma dick or It's my fault if I don't follow through. Same with six flags, I'm the only one tryna make these plans telling everyone to take off and they got a billion and one things. Next, there's nothing for breakfast. I planned on eating a steak sandwich, but there was only enough bread to make one.

With all that stuff going on, the only thing that comes to mind is, nothing is going right. Along with the terrible morning, I'm reminded that it is pride weekend and I can't go. I have to stay home and work... Closeted. I can't wear my rainbow bandana or suspenders or even buy ne a new pair. All over Instagram people are celebrating who they are and I can't. If nothing could go right this morning, why couldn't I at least be able to go to that?

It's also P-town this weekend. And all I'm gonna see is the big bear gatherings on instagram. How I missed out on all the insta meet and greets. How I don't get to party and drink. How I missed out on creating a bromance or brocubs or even a husbear.

On top of that, I'm reminded that I'm single. That I'm lonely. My bros have their girlfriends this weekend. They can kiss and act all lovely dovey and text all day while I sit in lonely despair. I have no cuddle buddy this weekend or anybody to share my happiness in the end of doma. Everyone else has got plans except me. Everyone's got somebody... Except me.

So now I get to eat my breakfast all alone, while watching digimon and get ready for another shift at work when I could be preparing for pride or even a good dinner tonight. Sorry for the story of defeat this morning everyone. I hope at least you're having a good weekend. Thanks for reading. Happy pride everyone!

~Be Breezy~